LAST EDITED ON 11-19-16 AT 12:42 PM (EST)The Coconuts nailed it this time. Millennials suck.
There. I’ve said it. Here in the research lab of the Coconut Gallery Library where all the best people are, including myself, Alphonso Goldfish, also known for my great glued on ‘stache, I’ve found proof positive that Millennials suck. At least a certain batch suck. And they suck real hard. REALLY hard.
Yes, it is I, Detective Pornstache, finder of all things arcane and many that aren’t, some are basically unarcane but cute nonetheless, who, with the assistance of an adorable bevy of lusty languid ladies of the morning and night, the really really really raunchy girl graduates of the Really Really Really Raunchy Gentrified (not so much, really) School of Sexual Satisfaction (theirs), Pocket Picking (yours), and Moped Mopedling, we have discovered the secret of their suckiness. CBS overdid the shtick.
In their effort to stay alive for one more season, EPMB and SeeMyBeegAss went over the top in schmucks casting. Meet Taylor, Schmuck #1, previously (and accurately) introduced as Petri dish experiment #1 (PED#1), and Adam, Schmuck #2, also previously (and also accurately) introduced as Petri dish experiment #2 (PED#2).
Due to the sensitive nature of the secret X-rated Files that we’ve uncovered, we can’t go more into detail, but the trust and integrity that we’ve earned thus far what with all the super spoiler scoops that we’ve delivered in the past, ensure that this is the naked truth. It doesn't hurt that these naked truths are coming from naked ladies, either. Doesn't hurt a bit. Anyway, we just learned that now that we’ve announced this, no bookie in the world will take bets against us, such are the odds against us being wrong.
So, you can take it from us that this season’s millennials suck. Really really suck. Really really hard.
Sucky Millennial Spoiler #1: Taylor is a Millennial. Tailor’s suckiness has spread to the rest of the tribe. His chest beating braggadocio was one thing, it’s well known that the producers encourage that kind of sucky behavior and so we've come to expect it, but he sucked Figs into his sphere of sucking, he sucked Jay into his sphere of sucking, he sucked Adam into his sphere of sucking, and has basically infected the whole Millennial tribe with the Suck Fever. The Suck Scourge has also threatened certain members of Gen-X.
One of the most obvious Rules on Survivor (unless you live in a Petri Dish) is that you don’t sneak steal food from the common tribal larder, then try and pass it off as no big deal, and blame others for not telling everyone after they catch the thief (PED#1) stealing. This is a place where everyone is starving, where they’ve plotted how to sneak up on goats and pigs so that they can slaughter them with their bare hands while laughing maniacally, so it should be bloody obvious that they will be very protective of their food. It’s probably only because of the cameras that Taylor wasn’t gutted and roasted on a spit.
Excerpted from his TC exit speech:
”My Survivor adventure has been quite epic. Running through the night and sneaking food, I lived through a hurricane, made a new great friend -- his name is Jay -- I got a girlfriend, and hopefully we're going to buy a sailboat and have some adventures together. So I'm pretty stoked about that," Taylor said following his ouster. “
This is the picture of a Millennial that he’s proud of painting. Sneak stealing food from the tribal larder and burying it on the beach for personal midnight snacks, accusing a confidant (Adam) of also being guilty and worse {ed. here it comes}, not telling anyone that Adam caught Taylor stealing food.
This accusation comes after an earlier TC at which Brett had already spilled that he had caught Taylor stealing food. So everyone already knew this ‘secret’. Taylor continues his rampage of idiotic shit slinging by throwing another confidant (Jay – basically his last ally on the island, see his final TC speech above. His other Millennial ally Will is performing his best ‘whistling while walking past the cemetery act’ and avoiding eye contact, no doubt hoping to God that his name doesn’t come up during this back and forth) under the bus by telling everyone that Jay also knew of the theft and that he actually joined Taylor in eating the food, and that he (Jay) also didn’t tell anyone about the Taylor’s thievery. Which every one knew about anyway.
Taylor was just about to break thru the meniscus in that petri dish, but slid right back to the bottom with that revelation.
So, as if all that weren’t stupid enough, he reveals that hopefully he and Figs will buy a sailboat together and have some adventures. So I guess PDE #1 is actually unaware of the fact that since he's been voted out, he is no longer eligible to win the Million. (I guess it'll take a few days for that to penetrate that microbial brain.)
Oh yes, about that fling with Figs. He apparently has no idea that she would find about the pregnant girlfriend who was waiting for him back at home. Apparently his idea of handling relationships is similar to his idea of food sharing.
It’s likely that on top of not winning the Mill, he’s now going to be facing a child support lawsuit. He ain’t got no girl no more, he ain't gonna get the money, and he doesn’t have a future with Figs. Goodbye sailboat dreams. Try not to ski into a tree, Taylor.
Sucky Millennial Spoiler #2: Adam. Also known as PED #2. Who thinks telling the person (Taylor) who has sworn revenge against him about his special advantage, and expects him to keep the secret. OK, that’s old news. This week Adam allows himself to be set up by Taylor (and really, anyone stupid enough to allow himself to be ensnared by PED#1 deserves the title PED #2) by trying to get Taylor on his side by making a deal with him. Adam won’t tell the secret of where the stolen food is, and Taylor won’t tell anyone of Adam’s secret. Big stupid mistake, superfan. Because Taylor immediately tells Jay and Will about the advantage secret, and they immediately begin to plan a way of using that knowledge to get Adam booted.
Not wise, PED #2, not wise. No super fan you. In fact, it’s as if you’ve never understood anything about how to survive Survivor.
Sucky Millennial Spoiler #3: Hannah is the Gary Johnson of the island when she declares that she is disgusted with both the Gen-Xers and the Millennials, and is now running as an independent. (Or is too soon for an 2016 election analogy?)
Sucky Millennial Spoiler #4: Ken quietly wins IC. No one picked him to win, but he even beat PED#1, the supposed surfer guy. No confessionals, and only a minimum captures in camera shots, he’s become a sleeper.
Sucky Millennial Spoiler #5: Best quote, by Jay when having a confrontation with Taylor at TC about the food stealing, “I’m not a dumb surfer!” . Three days later Taylor figured out (actually one of the sounds guy told him) that that was an insult.
Sucky Millennial Spoiler #6: PED #2 is inching out of his petri dish. And he showed some huevos (that’s Spanish for eggs. Which is colloquial for balls. Which you probably already knew, so nevermind.) He was hungry and the tension was high after the reward challenge. That reward was calling his name. He knew he would be one of the targets, but he didn’t play his advantage and thus avoided alienating some undecided voters. He only got one vote at TC, but who knows, there were five Gen-Xers on the tribe that that would have had their reward stolen, so I think that was a smart move and I have to think he’s going from Petri dish slime to unicellular intelligence, at least.
Addendum, addressed to any millennials out there that might have taken offense at these observations;
As your older and wiser non-millennials, we know that these idiots don't represent you in a stereotypical way. But we also don't go along with the theory that being young means one should ignore the voices of experience and lessons learned, as these millennials seen quite willing to do. But, as you will also experience sometime in the future, we do enjoy watching you when your turn comes to experience the following:
- the joys of being second guessed by neophytes,
- being told that they are to blame for the ills of the world,
- finding out that the succeeding generation (whatever label they get) are in fact completely and frustratingly oblivious to the reality that you are responsible for their being able to be beach bums and ignore the harsh realities of life,
- and being told that your decades of experience doesn't amount to a hill of beans.
These pleasures will be yours to enjoy.
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