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""Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Kindergarten Cop""
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RollDdice 5776 desperate attention whore postings
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02-24-16, 10:09 PM (EST)
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""Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Kindergarten Cop""
LAST EDITED ON 02-28-16 AT 07:56 PM (EST)


Toe Tag is still sans flambé and this allegedly means that they can't produce clean water. Seeing that they've already cleaned out the mini bar, they could be headed for some dry times.

Debbie continues to impress with her immense knowledge of... well, everything, over at Chad Lowe. And Tai Tai, Cutie Pie decides to open up a Kissing Booth at Gandalf and he offers Caleb multiple gift certificates.
======================================

"There's Got To Be A Morning After"

Alecia is one confused young bunny. She forgot to read the Survivor by-laws, Chapter 47, section 12, sub-section 3, which allows contestants to vote for you even if they've told you "not to worry". Whatever the case, she's back on track now-- working on fire building and hoping to nurse that fire embryo into a full-fledged fire fetus. Which will someday be a productive tinder toddler. To quote Alecia, "Oh, me and my words."

Over at the Gandalf beach, life is Beautiful. The tribe finds a huge bearded clam, but somehow Tai just isn't interested. Instead, he struggles with the temptation of looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol once again. The devil on his shoulder wins out and goes "to get water" without bothering to carry any sort of container for water collection. But Tai's search leads him to a clue, which leads him to the HII, which requires a key that's 20 feet up a tree in a box. Is it any wonder that the parents of the neighborhood 5-year-olds boycott my Annual Easter Egg Hunt? They won't even sign the liability release.

Meanwhile, the Brains are riding high in the cranial cavity after having won the Deluxe Fire Making Kit. Of course Little Debbie doesn't see the need to boil the water as her realm of experience TM allows her to analyze water just by looking at it. So for those of you keeping score at home, you can add x-ray microbe vision, water analysis, personal training, ranching, turtle wrangling and juggling to Debbie's résumé. As a matter of fact, in 2014 Debbie broke the internet by listing her qualifications on LinkedIn.

Faux-bama wisely puts her in the "40 cat" class and says that Debbie marches to the beat of her own drummer, which may include a broken kick drum, some maracas, four roto toms and a couple of clàves.

Back at Beauty, Tai introduces everyone to sugar cane and tries to sprinkle a little cuddlelicious sugar on Caleb and a create a bromance between himself and the Big Bother metrosexual. Surprisingly, Caleb doesn't file an Island Restraining Order (patent pending) which involves sleeping with a loaded coconut under your pillow. Instead, Tai almost gets his fishy kiss and everyone laughs it off.

"I've Seen Fire and I've Got Brains"

Like Aubry, the fire-starting kerosene appears to be wasted. And although the Brains tribe has kerosene on their Amazon Wish List, the Kaoh Rong wifi has been a little spotty and there's been no drone drop. They blame the kerosene for eating through the rubber stopper and evaporating, perhaps there's some spillage or maybe Mr. Ice Cream Pants is a closet pyromaniac on an island without closets.

It turns out that GI Joe and Debbie are the more life-experienced pair, while Liz seems to have swallowed a How Things Work book before departing. Liz and Joe get into a parasites vs. microbes macro argument which drives a tearful Liz to the Indian Ocean, also known as Darnell's litterbox.

At Brawnyville, they can't make fire. No fire, no water. No fire, no food. So everyone's feeling a bit sucky. But not Jason. Jason's been through so much that even sunburn can't bring him down. He's used to the suck. He powers through by complaining about Blondie and grabbing a quick nap. During his five hour REM cycle, Alecia decides to prove her worth by taking machete to flint in an effort to start a fire. Alecia's quest for fire finally produces an embryo and smoke. Her cries wake Jason and Scot and as they feed "baby sticks" to the fire, Alecia becomes the hero of the moment instead of just a white hot mess.

Immunity Challenge: Dropping yet another log in the ocean.

The Immunity Challenge requires that each tribe carry a 300 pound log through a series of obstacles. You then unwrap a ball and string combo and use it to knock down two hinged targets. The first tribe to finish will win Immunity and the Deluxe Fishing Kit. The second tribe gets Immunity and the smaller fishing kit.
The last tribe get a date with Jiffy at Tribal Council and a table in Debbie's section at Red Lobster.

Debbie misunderstands the concept of "sitting out" and adds Professional Cheerleader to her growing list of marketable skills. To stop the sound of Debbie cheering the Beauty tribe knocks down the second target and wins. Next is the Brains, led by Faux-Bama on the slingshot. This leaves the Brawns with the Tribal Council fireside chat.

"Should I Cut The Crust Off That Jenny Melt For You?"

In the scramble hours before TC, Jennifer decides that she's annoyed by Jason and despite a rock solid alliance with the boys, starts shopping around the idea of an all-girl alliance. Alecia's committed like a kitten chasing a laser pointer beam on the floor, but Cydney's less than thrilled by the presentation.

Sitting around the campfire, Jiffy begins by asking an innocuous question about possible game strategies. Jennifer grabs this hook and runs with it like a hundred pounds of brain damaged barracuda headed for the high seas. She begins with "It was definitely up in the air...". While alliance partners Scot and Jason exchange his-and-his "WTF!" looks over her head, Jenny unleashes a metric shite-ton of conspiracies, including Alecia approaching her, Obama birther theories, childhood vaccinations as a CIA plot, three shooters on the grassy knoll and a comb-over alien running for president. This culminates in Jennifer standing up on the bench and shouting, "Please trust me, original alliance we had!"

After a world-class awkward silence the votes are cast and read. Jennifer Lanzetti is sent back to Area 51 by way of the Ponderosa.



Mark "Dry Martini" Burnett
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  Table of Contents

  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 Just shut up Debbie. suzzee 02-25-16 1
 Ha! suzzee 02-25-16 2
   The Odd Coupling kingfish 02-25-16 3
       RE: The Odd Coupling suzzee 02-25-16 5
       RE: The Odd Coupling Aruba 02-25-16 6
 I'm Supergirl! suzzee 02-25-16 4
   RE: I'm Supergirl! Agman2 02-26-16 7
       RE: I'm Supergirl! suzzee 02-26-16 8
 How do you like me so far? kingfish 02-28-16 9
 RE: "Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Ki... kingfish 03-01-16 10
   RE: "Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Ki... Aruba 03-01-16 11
       RE: "Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Ki... kingfish 03-02-16 13
           RE: "Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Ki... tribephyl 03-02-16 14
 RE: "Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Ki... kingfish 03-02-16 12

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suzzee 5921 desperate attention whore postings
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02-25-16, 02:36 PM (EST)
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1. "Just shut up Debbie. "
gah!! It's a female Phillip.

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suzzee 5921 desperate attention whore postings
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02-25-16, 02:46 PM (EST)
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2. "Ha!"
LAST EDITED ON 02-25-16 AT 02:48 PM (EST)

Booyah!

Dodged another Tribal Council. How? Because we're the brawns, not a lot of frontal lobe action going on here.



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kingfish 18791 desperate attention whore postings
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02-25-16, 03:27 PM (EST)
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3. "The Odd Coupling"
LAST EDITED ON 02-25-16 AT 10:02 PM (EST)


My super stealthy and slithery spy team from the Really Really Raunchy Girl’s finishing school of “How To Get Away With Moida” and “Mexican Casserole Preparation” are not here again this week, they are still competing in the Chocolate Pudding Wrestling Worlds.

They have survived the preliminary rounds, and are now in the finals against Russian team featuring Olga Beatyourassovich and Navatrovia Gimmesomemoreinova in the Butt Naked category. It will probably end in overtime because of the prolonged clenches that the referees will not be able or willing to break up (most of the time they just give up and join the fun) as it usually does. All the members of both teams, both benches, will be in the pit getting in on the action, head to toe as it were, but in the name of perestroika and glasnost, all will emerge when their energy is spent as the best of friends and lovers. If only all of our international problems could be solved this way.

But I, ToTangGondolwattleChanLoMan (please, just call me Bill) still have a job to do, and since you did pay your dues, most of you, (some of you?) I will do it. I will provide you with the best spoilers you ever saw or ever are likely to see unless you return here next week for more of the same. Be aware, I will be auditing the accounts receivable.

Featured this week in Survivor are the highlights of the budding and very surprising romance between Oscar Ungerwear the Repressed Virgin, and Felix Madehisbone, the finicky temptress.

Oscar and Felix’s Spoiler #1 – So, Oscar is sitting on a log, see, whittling a point on a pole, probably to fashion a spear for protection (you know, in case lions or cannibals attack the camp? Did I mention that Oscar is also a whack job?), and the temptress comes over and sits down beside him. And as Felix edges over to be closer beside him, Oscar nervously begins whittling faster. And faster. In no time Oscar’s spear becomes just a point. He looks down at the pile that’s accumulated at his feet and claims that he was just making shavings to start a fire with (sure Oscar. Sure, that’s what that was).

Felix the Temptress asks Oscar how he slept last night. Did he mind cuddling up with him? Oscar is perplexed, then he remembers the dream he had where he went shopping with his girlfriend and ended up buying lingerie and looking down and discovering that he wasn’t with his girlfriend, that he was the girl. He also remembers that as they left the Victoria’s Secret that he found himself suddenly on a deserted island on a bamboo floor being ravaged by Felix. Then he realized that he was actually awake, and that he actually was being ravaged by Felix. Funny how that happens.

The feelings of the night have changed Oscar forever, and he tells Felix “to shut up and kiss me, you fool”.


Oscar and Felix’s Spoiler #2 – We learn that Debbie (appropriately nicknamed Blah Blah Blady Blah by Liz), with her naked eye can see bacteria such as E-coli, microbes, and in general, any impurities including pathogens in their water, and declares the island water safe to drink, no boiling required.

Next week’s episode will be titled “Beaver Fever and The Fool”.

Oscar and Felix’s Spoiler #3 – This week’s Malapropisms:

Alecia, when trying to start a fire – “I had almost had an Embryo.”

Jason, in confessional – “On this Island things can change at the drop of a dime.”

What’s most fun is the straight faced manner with which they utter these things, and in Jason’s case the scholarly air that accompanies the remarks. He actually thought he was saying something intelligent. In both cases they would have no inkling of their malapropism unless someone points them out as Jen did for Alecia.

Then Alecia rewards Jen by providing the decisive vote to boot her off the island. Lesson? On Survivor, just STFU. No one cares.

My hope is that they just keep them coming.

Oscar and Felix’s Spoiler #4 – This episode starts with everybody on the Brawn tribe agreeing to boot Alecia and dissing her in every way they can think of. Even depositing their flaking skin in her water (OK, Jason is a vile, gross, Neanderthal). So the spoiler here is that with this lead in, there is no way Alecia will be booted, she is an obvious red-herring. Also, the boot will most likely be someone else from her tribe, otherwise why focus on the Brawnies first? There are boot prospects that could be used as red herrings on every tribe.

Oscar and Felix’s Spoiler #5 – Obama wants to keep Crazy Lady Debbie. Which is sensible, because if he makes it to the final TC, sitting next to her would definitely help his odds.

Obama, why can’t you run the country with that kind of sense?

Oscar and Felix’s Spoiler #6 – Joe explains that his FBI training as well as his military experience (i.e. his years on KP duty) gives him the edge over the naïve and innocent youngsters - babes if you will - on his tribe. Then he loses the fuel for the fire and lets the matches get wet. I don’t think Joe was even a Boy Scout. Or a Cub Scout. Or a Brownie. I don't even think he got an Ovaltine decoder ring as a kid. I mean, even Brownies know not to let your matches get wet.

But never fear, Debbie is here! She has extensive experience and training in fire building as well as (Fill in the blank).

Oscar and Felix’s Spoiler #7 – Beauty wins Immunity and Reward, and in an ecstasy of celebration, Caleb starts humping Tai right there on the beach.

Oscar and Felix’s Spoiler #8 – Kudos to Alecia the Dim. Keeping at her self-imposed task of trying to start a fire and staying with it for five hours (and suffering ridicule from the peanut gallery all the while) was admirable. And as unbelievable as it seems for someone who is as perpetually confused as she is, and especially since she has had her head on the chopping block at the last two TCs, that elevates her to the “Good” player category. I got to give her something for that before she leaves (except, unless the other Brawn-ies can figure out who is goat material and who is not? Nah, not likely. They are just as dim as Alecia).

Oscar and Felix’s Spoiler #9 – I started with a good opinion of Shovel-Mouth Jen, but at TC she opened her mouth and dug a hole for herself that just kept getting deeper the more she talked. At the end they dropped a rock down her hole, and never heard it hit bottom.

Very cringe worthy. And a Survivor lesson that they never seem to learn, “Keep all audible vibrations from coming out of your mouth. Just STFU!”


Tribe wins the Gif Challenge.

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suzzee 5921 desperate attention whore postings
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02-25-16, 04:46 PM (EST)
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5. "RE: The Odd Coupling"
I forgot about this one:
Alecia, when trying to start a fire – “I had almost had an Embryo.”

You're totally on point Bill, yeah you'll be Bill because I can't even begin to remember ToTangGondolwattleChanLoMan.


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02-25-16, 10:16 PM (EST)
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6. "RE: The Odd Coupling"
LAST EDITED ON 02-26-16 AT 07:16 AM (EST)

Alecia thought she almost had an “embryo” attempting to start fire. On the Reunion Show after the season they had the audacity to call “All-Stars” did Bird Brain think Rob dropped to his knee and proposed to Embryo? Wasn’t Caleb’s love interest on Big Brother also named Embryo?

Hey, don’t you be dissing Debbie by criticizing her trained eye to detect microbes, parasites and all other kinds of life threatening organisms! Her experience cannot be questioned otherwise Production wouldn’t have changed her occupation back to “Chemist.” I'm going to go out on a limb and predict Debbie lost her gig at the Red Lobster because customers got sick from the water she poured in their glasses.

Debbie’s (as well as the other castaways this season) experience in starting fire is “as well as” pathetically inept Sundra and Becky (Cook Islands) and Carolyn and Rodney (Worlds Apart) both during the fire-building F4 tiebreakers. Well, you did tell me to (Fill in the blank).

Michel must be on to something when last week he tried to set me straight for being so inexcusably insensitive and pointing out my "ignorance" by attributing Aubry’s day-two anxiety attack to her North(west)east departing location coupled with the lack of “cooling winds” for some unexplained reason does not find its way ONLY to the Brain’s beach. HMMMM, perhaps Liz’s similar meltdown this week could also be attributed to those same conditions or maybe “a touch of the flu or something else” going around their camp? AHH GEEZ, that’s right...I shouldn’t be “diagnosing people from thousands of miles away.” Are there any words of apology for my short-sightedness???

Scot may have some serious explaining to do with Alecia when they return back to camp from TC. It was Scot who assured Alecia she was safe at the first TC and went out of his way making it a point to remind her of that fact when they returned to camp. So what might he say to her this time when she deducts he was the other tribe mate who wrote down her name? I guess he could try to convince Alecia he was intimidated by Jennifer. After all when Jenn stood on the bench to profess her alliance it could have been the first time the 6’11” mountain man ever had to look up to someone during such a defining moment. Bubbleheaded Blondie may be ditzy enough to buy it.

The way Caleb impressively ran away from the competition during the waterlogged first leg of the challenge reminded me of how I saw a lizard running across the water when watching some footage on the Animal Channel several years ago. If another poster (who is not as technically challenged as I) could post side-by-side gifs of Caleb racing through the water at the beginning of the challenge and footage of a lizard running across the water it would be beyond hysterical.

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suzzee 5921 desperate attention whore postings
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02-25-16, 04:06 PM (EST)
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4. "I'm Supergirl!"
LAST EDITED ON 02-25-16 AT 04:12 PM (EST)

Here's what I see when I look at water, of course I'm immune because I was raised by farm animals.


Yummy, water borne bacteria. Drink up although it might make you sick, I'll be fine.

Added PS: She may have been a chemist but I've been working in the field just as long. So unless she's gotten Terminator cornea implants those "harmless bacteria" are MICROSCOPIC. You cannot tell if it's contaminated by looking at it. I can see why she's not in the field any longer. You test the samples you don't drink them.

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02-26-16, 11:45 AM (EST)
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7. "RE: I'm Supergirl!"
I think I'm gonna get sick!
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suzzee 5921 desperate attention whore postings
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02-26-16, 12:22 PM (EST)
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8. "RE: I'm Supergirl!"
Only if you drink out of Debbie's cup.



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kingfish 18791 desperate attention whore postings
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02-28-16, 02:45 PM (EST)
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9. "How do you like me so far?"
I'm pretty good at hiding how smart I am, aren't I?

(But how come Tai picked Caleb? I may have to act smart after all. Hope my smart act is as good as my dumb act)


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kingfish 18791 desperate attention whore postings
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03-01-16, 11:47 AM (EST)
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10. "RE: "Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Kindergarten Cop""
OK, what the hell just happened? One minute I was just riding along, not a worry in the world, talking about this and that, that and this, the next minute I'm walking the plank.

JUST WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?


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Aruba 2324 desperate attention whore postings
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03-01-16, 10:33 PM (EST)
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11. "RE: "Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Kindergarten Cop""
I’ll tell you what happened.

Well actually I told all of America first...I’m bonding with the strong men. There is a very knowledgeable poster on these Boards who says “You are...who you are...who you are.”

That same knowledgeable fan preaches of the Anti-Darwin Syndrome. And you start talking about targeting the strong! Jason tracks down fugitives. Scot is a former Pro Athlete. And I have muscles in places where Tai doesn't even HAVE places.

Still wondering JUST WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?


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kingfish 18791 desperate attention whore postings
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03-02-16, 12:56 PM (EST)
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13. "RE: "Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Kindergarten Cop""
I took an idea from Caleb and Joe, and am sharpening a bunch of Punji sticks for the tiger pit surprises I have for Jason and Alecia when they come to Ponderosa. They will be dipped in 'specially approved Debbie water.

Hey, it occupies the time, and I left my Kindle at home. .

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03-02-16, 03:21 PM (EST)
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14. "RE: "Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Kindergarten Cop""
That idea wasn't Caleb's, nor was it Tai's. It was mine! All mine! Mwahahaha!

Now let me read you some passages from Sun Tzu...


Black Belt Inception Artist

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kingfish 18791 desperate attention whore postings
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03-02-16, 12:53 PM (EST)
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12. "RE: "Be The Survivor" S32 Ep02: "Kindergarten Cop""
They didn't tell me I was signing up to be on a tribe with a bunch of sissy civilian punks. This is a man's life, there's no place for women here! Especially that Liz, coming up with all kinds of stupid ideas like boiling water, ant prevention, stupid stuff like that.

Why boil water when Debbie can just look at it and tell if it'll kill you or not? And who cares anyway, real men don't! That Liz is just a bother and a pain. When I was in Nam, we didn't even need water, we just did without, like real men do, not that any of these Nancys know what a real man is. We drank sand instead. And we liked it like that.

These young idiots with their new fangled idiot ideas, can't even take a little dysentery without sheitting all over themselves. Well Boo the Hell hoo! What ever happened to good common sense and pride in letting ants live where they want to live anyway?

You dumb punks, just don't get in my way!


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