Joe Schmo Episode 6, Official Summary
You Want Me to Eat What?!
(with apologies to bazookabill and the rest of Schmoleron Nation)

Previously on The Joe Schmo Show…
Matt has performance issues with another naked chick
Molly’s boyfriend William is nonplussed about her new bondage fetish
William’s stormy exit caused Molly to need some “consultation” with Ralph
Hutch got kicked to the curb for threatening Kip

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Our episode opens as they usually do, with the cast in the production van while Joe/Matt is giving his daily interview. This is supposed to serve, I guess, as a reminder that these are, in fact, actors. Mostly it’s just a way for the director to weasel his way into the show. “Stay in character…brak, brak, brak…Molly confides in Matt…brak, brak, brak…Molly and Ralph…brak, brak, brak.” Thankfully, it’s brief.

Inside the house, Ralph enters just in time to save me from visuals involving Brian, man boobs, strawberries, and champagne. He tells them that it’s ‘Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Chance to Get Your Ass Booted’ Day. 2 people will share the pimp robe, while 2 will get iced. He then pulls out a letter from the “Lap of Luxury” legal department, filled with 1st year law school phrases, stating that there is no prima facie case against Hutch, he wasn’t properly Mirandized, Habeas Corpus, other restrictions apply, offer not valid in Guam.

Matt: As soon as Ralph started reading the letter, I knew from my (pause) short time in law school exactly what the letter meant. (What he failed to mention is that his ‘knowledge’ really comes from the Matlock reruns he was watching while he should’ve been going to class.)

What it means is…

Hutch: I’m baaa-aack!

While Ralph tries to explain to the cast that the producers are reinstating Hutch, Hutch does the nasty to Ralph’s leg.

Hutch: Hutch has legal representation, FYI. (the law offices of Zack and ASSociates out of Puerto Vallarta, in case you’re curious)

Matt: Whatever, dude.

Lance (Kip): They wrote up a letter full of ‘legalese’, because Matt’s a smarty. (Although not smart enough to figure out that you’re all yanking his chain, apparently.)

Matt demonstrates his knowledge of law by describing to all what a ‘Prima Facie’ case is using more “likes” and “ya knows” than Mary Kate and Ashley combined.

Hutch: I’m just glad to be back, man.

Matt (eating a sandwich containing the world’s largest piece of lettuce): Things were easier while you were gone, dude. (Exactly. You all didn’t actually think that the producers would let Brian and Molly carry this show, did you?) And I don’t want you out of here unless you’re out of here legitimately. (Which is to say that he wants to personally have a hand in voting out the pool-pisser.)

Matt (confessional): We didn’t really realize how MUCH of an asshole Hutch was until he came back.

Right on cue, Hutch throws food at Kip. Kip screams at Hutch, and Hutch apologizes. Ahhh, everything is back to normal.

Matt (confessional): I was told that under no conditions would I be made to eat anything that you couldn’t find on the kids menu at Denny’s during my stay here. You see I have a bit of a **air quotes** ‘gag problem’. (Cue footage of Matt puking up chocolate, hair balls, and Lord knows what all) And since I have this **air quotes** ‘gag problem’, it would be completely not right to exploit it and make me look like an ass on national TV.

So just to show what sick bastards the producers are, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present THE GROSS FOOD CHALLENGE.

Smarmy Ralph tells them that they can win 42” plasma TVs for each of their rooms if they can all eat what is put in front of them in the “Meal NOT QUITE Fit for a King” luxury competition. (How long did it take the crack staff at Spike to come up with that title?)

First up is Brian, who is served a plate full of gummy worms the producers try to pass off as ‘armadillo tails’. Matt immediately jumps into coach mode, telling big Bri to not look at it, pop it in his mouth, and take a big swig of water. It’s been working for him for years with Mom’s “Meat Loaf Surprise”. Brian follows Matt’s advice, feigns disgust at the gummy armadillos, and somehow summons the strength to swallow them.

Next up is Molly, and she’s given ‘whale blubber’. Matt gives her the same advice. She does a better job of fake-gagging (she likely learned it from spending so much time with Matt), and chokes down her sugar confection in the shape of a whale’s ass.

Next in line is Kip. He’s given ‘sheep eyeballs’. Dude, these things don’t even look like eyeballs. They look like something you’d find at your local Halloween shack to freak out your toddler. Kip, God love him, can’t keep a straight face, and tries in vain to make it look like he’s struggling, but fails miserably. Fortunately for all involved, once Ralph said “sheep eyeballs”, Matt passed out.

Fourth is Hutch. He’s given ‘wombat stomach’. Wombat stomach? I’m starting to get the feeling that they picked the foods for this game by using refrigerator magnets with animal names and body parts. Anyway, it hardly matters because Matt stopped watching after Brian, intermittently hiding under the table and covering his eyes with the napkin. Hutch, being Hutch, doesn’t need to act too much, since you’d likely find something 10 times worse than wombat stomach in his fridge…if he had a fridge…which is to say if he were an actual human being…which he isn’t. But I digress…

Ashleigh’s up, and she’s given ‘monkey balls’. Hutch tries to be degrading here, but the real star is…

Matt: that is not bad at all. Chew it a little, drink some water and suck it down. It’ll slide right down your throat. It’s not that hard.

This sounds way too much like Matt begging for sex for my personal comfort level. Not that I’m saying he does, just that it all rolled off his tongue a little too easily. Take that for what you will. I need a shower.

Ashleigh: It has foreskin on it. (Oh come on sweetie, Molly’s the virgin here. You can quit with the “I don’t know male genitalia” routine.)

Now for the coup de grace…Matt, our next and far from coincidentally last, contestant gets (drum roll please) dog shit. Now I get that the shock of being told you have to eat canine feces can be a bit high, but A) that pile looked fake, and I’m watching it on TV and B) don’t you think something that soft and fresh would have a bit of an odor?

Anyway, everyone is disgusted. Matt thinks momentarily about eating it, then thinks momentarily about it being fake, but before he can put 2 and 2 together, Ralph steps in and asks to see an exec.

(Well it’s nice to see that Hoover from ‘Animal House’ is still getting work these days. They could have perhaps found someone with, ya know, a chin or someone who looked remotely like they could’ve been someone with some clout.)

Ralph and Matt go upstairs to talk with a Spike TV executive who tells Matt that he could hold him in breach of his contract. (Dude, if it says in your contract that they can compel you to eat shit and you signed it, I’m really not surprised that the law school thing didn’t quite work out.) Matt gets upset and asks that they not ‘pigeonhole’ him. The exec backs down. Ralph tries to interject, and Hoover calls him a ‘Ryan Seacrest wannabe’ and kicks him out of the room.

Matt says he can understand having them eat rare ‘delicatessens’, but he has to draw the line at poop. The exec says he wants ratings. But Matt’s still pissed about being ‘pigeonholed’ to eat rare ‘delicatessens’. Then, in a twist so bizarre and out-of-leftfield, the exec suggests having the ladies go topless. I’m really not sure how they would edit that, ya know, if this were an actual show, which it’s not. But still…

Matt says he’ll talk to the girls. Ralph suggests that maybe they could just have them kiss. The exec kicks him out again and explains to Matt that Ralph wasn’t their first choice. Matt leaves to work his charm on the ladies.

Matt (confessional): that was the first time I’ve been able to use my law school knowledge. (Yeah, I haven’t seen that kind of negotiating acumen since Master P worked out that insane contract for Ricky Williams)

Matt informs Ashleigh and Molly that in our “male dominated society” it isn’t about him, but about them. Ashleigh says it should be about him since it was his turn and all. But, Matt says it goes so much deeper than any of them realize. Huh? This is a cheese game show, not Watergate. Anyway, the chicks veto the topless idea, and after some hemming and hawing (mostly hemming), Ashleigh stands up and plants one on Molly. Yay! Everyone gets a TV! A TV that they’ll watch when, exactly?

Matt (confessional): that was unfreakingbelievable! It was even better than the scrambled porn in mom’s basement!

I guess that meeting with Hoover took up most of the day, because we go right from the luxury competition to the Lord of the Manor Immunity challenge.

They’ve brought back our chocolate ho’s from last week for a wet t-shirt contest. Teams of 2 will compete. One person will jump into the pool, spraying water on the bimbos. Once their shirts are sufficiently wet, a word that was painted on their front will become visible. It will complete the phrase “King of ____”. The contestant will have to guess who the “King of _____” is and then the ummm ‘model’ will turn around and the contestant’s teammate will do the same to read the clue on the ‘model’s’ back. They will be completing the phrase “Queen of _____”. The team that completes both “King” and “Queen” the fastest, wins immunity for both.

Matt and Hutch went first. They were supposed to set a quick time that the others would fail to meet, but Matt made it more difficult by being completely out of shape and unable to get any air (underneath him or in his lungs). He had to catch his breath at least once, and said he “felt like he was going to vomit”. As if this were the Boston Marathon. Our boy Matt is not a particularly strong athlete. Anyway, he managed to solve his puzzle in about 2:30. Fortunately, Hutch was able to solve in about 15 seconds, so the time to beat was about 2:45.

Molly and Kip went next. Molly didn’t exactly choose her bathing suit wisely as her little string bikini number wasn’t quite ready to handle the rigors of multiple cannonballs. Her big ol’ silicon booby came squirtin’ right out the side, much to her surprise (yeah, right) and everyone else’s amazement. She managed to uncover the clue pretty quickly (“late night”) and while Kip was doing a good job stalling by blurting out such nonsense answers as ‘Jackie Gleason’, Molly went for Carson right out of the box. Genius. Say anything but Carson, Molly. Molly: “Carson”.

What followed was a pretty pathetic display by Kip. All dolled up in water wings and a life jacket, Kip would run up to the edge of the pool and flop in.

Brian (Brian): It was the worst acting in the history of Hollywood.

No Brian, that distinction goes to the cast of “Showgirls”. This, however, was pretty darned close. It was so bad that the silicon ho-bag on the raft wondered if the whole thing was fake. Yes, that’s right, Brain-dead porn actress 1, Schmo 0.

Still, Kip’s theatrics more than made up for Molly’s stupid mistake. Next up was Ashleigh and Brian. Ashleigh did a pretty good acting job and took about 2 minutes. Brian gave his glasses to Matt, so he was officially screwed. In the end, Matt and Hutch win immunity.

This being such a challenge-laden episode, the next scene was the Riches to Rags Eviction Ceremony, complete with Hutch’s resurrected and (poorly) taped together plate. Matt and Hutch, having to share the pimp robe, looked like some weird conjoined-twin, genetic-disaster, Uber-pimp.

Ralph explains that the 2 highest vote-getters will be evicted. He then asks Ashleigh how good a kisser Molly is on a scale from 1-10. Ashleigh says “why don’t you tell us?” Ralph looks pissed. He then says it’s time to vote.

Voting:
Hutch: not shown
Kip: I will miss Molly’s boobs
Matt: Ashleigh
Brian: TV adds 20-30 lbs.
Ashleigh: not shown
Molly: not shown

Final tally: Molly 3, Kip 2, Ashleigh 1.

(OK, is there some reasoning behind these votes? We have no idea who voted for whom, or why. Matt voted Ashleigh, so Kip must’ve voted for Molly and Molly for Kip, but again, why? I get that it’s not the point of the show, but I’d like to think that the producers would give it at least a little thought. It seems they’re too wrapped up in the personas of the characters to give even the slightest thought to voting strategy. And couldn’t Matt pick up a token vote here and there? And how come Matt always seems to be the only person voting for whoever he votes for? Anyway, none of it makes any sense to me. </rant>)

Kip’s final words were about a castle and how Ashleigh’s the queen (funny, I thought Kip had that part), Molly the princess, Brian the court jester, Matt’s the knight in shining armor, and Hutch was the dragon. I think Kip’s been watching too much Shrek.

Molly said something for her final words, but frankly I was staring at her breasts the whole time. Then she tongue-kissed Ralph, which made Matt do that buggy-eyed thing he does every week. Afterward, Ashleigh said something about being right all the time and how no one listens, but I wasn’t paying attention.

Next week: A Ripped-from-the-‘Paradise-Hotel’-Archives episode with twists, cast returning and an unbelievable ending. *Yawn*

Fester