LAST EDITED ON 09-29-01 AT 08:44 PM (EST)

THE NEVER ENDING SUB-PLOT

Wow, how time flies when you’re waiting for your Love Cruise fix. I mean, it seems like just yesterday we were watching Gina not at all care about Toni’s big fake boobs, Micow getting dissed more often than that guy who models for those “Johnny didn’t tell you that he has AIDS” subway posters, and Sideshow Bob suffered a fate worse than death by disembowelment when he was sent to Loser Island...with Gina. Oh wait, it WAS just yesterday. Damn, this show’s on more often than “Who Wants to Be A Millionaire” and “Hollywood Squares” put together. I’m half expecting Whoopi to worm her way into the middle of the next Gender Jury...although I’m not sure exactly which jury she’ll be in?

Anyway, on to the show...

DAY 3

This can’t be a good sign, the show starts out with a shot of breakfast accompanied by a Micow voice over that they already used in episode #1, you know the “this game is gonna be won on the relationships you build” Tony Robbins wannabe bullshit. Is this going to be the trademark line of the show or something? Is this like the Temptation Island “this could RIP two people apart” mantra that we all found ourselves waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat screaming?!? Or maybe that was just me? Uhm, anyway, back to breakfast.....we get a clip of Ass-phony saying some crap to Least-a and Laura about needing to masturbate regularly in order to get a release??? I don’t know, this show isn’t even two episodes old and I’ve already learned to not listen to a single word this poseur says.

Next up, its time to do the re-coupling portion of the show. Last round, the girls picked the guys they wanted, or in some cases all too personally familiar, not wanted. This round, the guys will get a chance to turn the tables and pick the ho they want to bed down with for the next few days.

In their cabin, Laura tells Assphony that she wants to find a new partner to which Assboy responds that if she even attempts to switch partners he will tattoo her name all over his body, strap himself to the undercarriage of her car and spend the rest of his life sitting in front of her in movie theaters smoking cheap Ecuadorian cigars and laughing maniacally until she takes him back.

Just-him gathers the couples on top of the boat and then organizes what looks like a mean game of Red-Rover Red-Rover, but it turns out that its just the re-coupling thingie. Anyway, the guys all make their way across the deck to the ladies of their choice....lets see what we got here, Guido the Killer Ralph ends up with some blonde I’ve never seen before, the screen says her name is Andrea so we’ll take their word for it, Darren partners up with some other blonde I’ve never seen before named Melissa...what the hell is up with this show, did they replace the cast from one episode to the next? Anyway, Adrian sticks with Toledo.....Assphoney pees on Laura’s leg to mark his territory....Toni and her twins have to choose between Tony and some guy named Greg, she chooses Greg saving you all from a slew of bad “Tony, Toni, Tone” jokes. In a voice over Toni says that, “Greg is a total hottie.” Uhm, that’s great and all, but seriously, who’s Greg? Micow slides over and stands next to the ship’s cabin maid, oh wait, that’s Jeanette...damn, why do I keep doing that, I really need to start paying attention, even to the twelve people on this show who still haven’t spoken yet. Wait, there’s still one couple left.....uh-oh, Least-a didn’t get picked again, better bring out the pumps and buckets, were about to have another patented Least-a flood. But wait, what’s this...no tears! Could it be that our little Least-a is all grows up? As she explains in an interview, “Well, I didn’t get picked again and it doesn’t feel good again, but I can’t really cry about it because after all the bawling I already did these last few days, it damn near took two IV’s just to have the strength to climb out of bed this morning.” Eventually, she ends up with Tony, but I’m too distracted to notice as I finally caught a glimpse of the outfit Laura has on. What the hell are you wearing? I mean seriously, shouldn’t you be up in the hollow tree with the other two elves whipping up a batch of fudge stripe cookies? You just might want to rethink that little fashion ensemble.

As the new couples get acquainted, Just-him informs everyone that the ship if off for the island of Margarita, as if these drunks haven’t been boozing it up enough as it is. Melissa, who by the way is quite melicious (get it? melissa, delicious, melicious.....you know, I’ve been waiting a year to use that line and now that I see it in print, its really not that funny or clever. Well, it ought to fit right in then, right?) So anyway, Melicious, a 24 year old respiratory therapist, which in reality TV terms means that she teaches hookers how to breathe properly while they’re giving blowjobs, is sitting with her new partner, the ever exciting Barren as she voice-overs, “Barren is obviously an attractive man and I was honest with him, I told him I had a boyfriend and he was respectful of that.” Excuse me? Boyfriend??? Aren’t you on the wrong friggen show? Well, at least you’re being “honest” with Barren as opposed to the sad sap who is sitting at home somewhere wondering why you still haven’t returned from going to the store to get a gallon of milk two weeks ago.

Next up, its time for the whoremates to go to The Booth to submit their anonymous questions for tonight’s Hot Seat. Andrea, the aforementioned unknown frizzy hair blonde, asks Laura, “I think that you’re acting like you like Assphony just to win. Is this true and if so, why are you doing this?” Uhm stupid, you just answered your own stupid question, stupid....she’s doing it to win. Is that a bad thing?? I kind of thought that was the whole point.

Next up, Tomiko (Oh MY GOD, I finally got it right) informs America that Tony hasn’t had sex in several years and then asks him why that is. If he’s anything like me, the answer is, “by choice”. Of course, that choice refers to that of the entire female population and not my own, but what’s the difference.

In an interview, Toni tells us that, “I think Assphony is into Laura more than Laura is into him.” Then we cut to wife beater cabin #2 where Assphoney is trying to keep Laura in line. Laura tells Assphony that, “I wish you could not question me so much, stop asking me all the time if I’m putting on a front.” Assphoney responds that he is not asking her if she is putting on a front and then he proceeds to ask it anyway. Then comes a bunch of dimestore nonsensical psycho analysis wannabe BS that really serves no purpose except to make Assboy look even more like an idiot than he already does. At one point he even pulled out the whole, “I just wanted to know if you were keeping it real” as he pumped his fist into his chest. Yes, he did really do that. Isn’t he just soooo street? And I of course mean not at all. This guy’s name ought to be Stanley he’s such a tool. And then he ends the conversation by saying, “I’m not asking you because I’m looking for a girlfriend. I don’t have time in my life right now for a girlfriend.” Hold on a second, let’s just take a closer look at that statement for just a sec here. I was really wondering just how crazy busy the life of an aspiring screen writer is, so I hired a private investigator to follow Assphoney around for a couple of weeks just to see exactly what type of hectic routine he is running here. After all, on its face you would think that Assphony had nothing but time on his hands, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt before I tore him apart (yeah right)....so, I’ve examined the report and without further ado, here is a breakdown of Assphony’s extremely busy daily routine......

1:30 pm: Wake up
1:30 - 2:00: scratch
2:00 - 3:15: search between all the seat cushions of the couch for spare change in order to buy lunch.
3:15 - 4:00: Go to local McDonald’s, negotiate 35 cent rebate on Happy Meal in exchange for letting them keep the toy that comes with it.
4:00 - 6:00: Nap
6:00 - 10:00: watch movies on TV looking for ideas to steal.
10:00 - 1:00 am: go to neighborhood bar, drink water and feast on free day old pretzels. Tell every stupid looking girl who wanders by that he already has a five picture deal with Miramax in a pathetic attempt to get laid.
1:00 - 4:00: go home, watch QVC.
4:00 - 4:30: scratch
4:30 - ?: go to bed.

Yeah, I can see where Laura might get in the way there.

That night, everyone gathers for a black tie dinner. As the couples walk in two by two, Assphony voice overs, “love really doesn’t exist on the love cruise, unfortunately I’m beginning to learn the same lesson on this ship as I did in life.” What lesson is that, that you’re an ass? Geez, write it down already, you’d think you’d know it by now. Laura responds in an interview, “at this point I’m really confused about Assphoney’s character.” Who are you kidding? The way I see it, at this point I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you were “really confused” about right foot/right shoe, left foot/left shoe. Sorry, but it ain’t exactly a pretty picture of perception that you’re painting here, honey.

At dinner, Toni stands up and makes an ass of herself with some stupid, kiss-ass toast....didn’t Micow already do that last episode? Get your own strategy, lady!

After dinner, its Hot Seat time...but, I’m just gonna skip it cause it sucks and nothing seems to happen anyway...basically, Assphoney likes Laura, Laura likes Tony, and Tony likes Laura, so long as he never has to touch her. Who cares? The fact that this redundant story line is dragged out throughout the entire hour doesn’t mean that I have to spend any substantial time on it. Besides, episode #3 is on in like two days so I better just move on and half ass my way through this crap already.

Later that night, Tony, Micow and their two horrible shirts get to know each other in a drunken bonding session. Micow confesses to Tony that he misjudged him as a playa when they first met. Its such a heartfelt and tender moment I have expect the two to start making out, but instead they sway back and forth like the alcoholics they are.

Before commercials, Laura sneaks out of her cabin before Assphony can awaken and handcuff her to the bed, again. She joins Tony and a bunch of the fellas in diving off the top of the boat into the sea....damn, with all this swimming in the ocean I can’t stop wishing that last summer (when this was filmed) was the summer of the shark attack instead of this summer. Now, that would be some great TV!

DAY 4: Margarita Island

Just-him gathers the whoremates on the promenade deck to explain that tonight’s Switch Card competition will be a salsa dance contest on Margarita Island. In order to practice, Just-him has brought in a couple of local salsa pros to help teach them the moves. One look at the guy in his skin tight spandex shorts lets us know that he is either the second coming of John Holmes or he is harboring international fugitive Osama bin Laden in his crotch. Either way, its not a pretty sight.

As the couples begin to practice, Jeanette gets mad at Micow for not even trying to learn the dance to which Micow replies, “Its not about trying, its about being white and Jewish.” After watching him move around a little bit I have to say that I whole heartedly agree with his two prong argument. By the way, got to love Micow’s “4:20" shirt.....for those of you who get it, you know what I’m talking about Micow further explains, “I am absolutely the worst dancer in the entire free world. I can not, will not, never have and never going to dance. I got other skills and this ain’t one of them.”

Later on, Least-a gossips to Melicious that Tomiko needs to win the switch card because she is in danger of being voted out. Then we get a shot of everyone swimming except Tomiko and Adrian who are still practicing their moves. Hmm, wonder if they are going to win....we all know Bigtime Moral Propoganda and the way they try throwing the occasional life lesson into their cheesy shows. Well, looks like we are being set up for the old “hard work pays off” thing. Yawn.

That night, as the couples get ready to leave for the island, Tony, wearing a red boa, and Laura sneak away to a cabin where Tony asks Laura if he can kiss her. Laura agrees because after all, how do you say no to a guy wearing a boa, right? In an interview, Tony, who my sources tell me was already about 75 sheets to the wind at this point, says “it doesn’t happen often, I’ve only known her, if you add it up, for like four hours. I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m starting to like her.” Then he starts to cry cause as we all know, those four hour relationships are some of the most emotionally trying anyone will ever experience. Damn, remember when I said after episode #1 that Micow was probably the train wreck portion of the cast? Well, I think I’d like to amend that answer.

SWITCH CARD COMPETITION : Salsa competition

On Margarita Island, the couples must salsa dance for a half hour in front of 100's of locals. How they managed to get that many people to show up to watch these whores is beyond me, but my guess is that the people of this economially depressed island were offered free food stamps or something. Either way, the locals are given stacks of monopoly money and told to tip the dancers they like the most....the couple with the most tips win the Switch Envelopes, only one of which contains the highly coveted Switch Card.

As the couples take their spots on the stage we learn that Micow and Jeanette have decided to forfeit and not compete. After seeing Micow attempt to dance earlier I have only one thing to say......good move. The competition starts and basically all we see are cut aways between Laura and Tony, in case we didn’t figure out by now that there is something going on between them. Tony is all over the place, at one point even doing the old grab onto your leg and swing in back and forth behind you move. Unfortunately, thanks to FUX actually pretending to have standards, they left out the full extent of Tony’s dancing performance which included him getting completely naked and running around the audience hugging all the local women. Funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, wish they would’ve shown it.

Anyway, as we all knew was going to happen, not even Toni’s big fake boobs could stop the rhythm twins of Adrian and Tomiko who easily win the competition. The Switch Envelopes are passed out and opened revealing that Adrian has won the game’s first Switch Card.

After the contest, everyone goes to Senor Frogs for an after party....well, everyone except Tony and Laura that is. Assphony cries-over that, “well it looks like the switch card isn’t the only thing I lost over here, I might also have lost my partner.” as the music of his tiny breaking heart plays in the background. Back on the boat, Tony offers to massage Laura’s back, but instead spends the whole time squeezing her butt like he's testing the Charmin as Laura makes sickly, wounded and dying animal noises.

Down in The Booth, Assphony does something not really that clever by telling Laura he’d like to do to her what he’s about to do to the camera as he violently turns off the camera. Ohhh, so witty. Not. Besides, did you see what this idiot was wearing? A friggen red and white polka dot shirt with the sleeves ripped off, sunglasses and a red bandana. I swear to god, he looks as if the board game Candyland came to life and formed a street gang. It is that stupid.

DAY 5

As the vote approaches, Assphony switches into hardcore backstabber mode as he begins to complain to anyone who will listen about what a jerk Laura is for, of all things, not liking him anymore. Meanwhile, on top of the boat Toni and Laura play the home version of “Throw Momma From the Train” as they figure out that Tony likes Laura, and Assphoney really likes Least-a, so maybe they should just, you know, kriss-cross.

At the Gender Jury, Assphony makes his case for eliminating Laura. Tony says he wants to vote out Jeanette because of some conflict she had with Adrian. Uhm , thanks Boring Mundane Plots for letting us actually see that conflict. But, I guess there wasn’t time with the 17 hours that just had to be dedicated to the whole Assphony/Laura/Tony thing. Next up, Guido says he wants to get rid of Andrea because he can’t stand her. Adrian concurs that she is quite annoying. Once again, huh? Guess we’ll just have to take your word for it since BMP didn’t think we had time to see it.

On the girl side of the boat, they are debating whether to vote out Adrian or Assphony. Uhm, excuse me, but doesn’t Adrian have the Switch Card and is therefore immune from the vote? Well, at least these girls aren’t stupid or anything, right?

Back to the guys where Assphony lies that Laura has been manipulated him and he “won’t be played again.” Uhm, isn’t that a line from a “Baba O’Reiley”? Barren shows the true depth of his intelligence (officially measured at 1.2 inches) by falling hook, line and sinker for Assphony’s load of crap. Says Barren, “I’ve seen some of the manipulation that’s been done, and to be honest, if you hadn’t said anything I probably wouldn’t have noticed.” Good job buddy, way to be perceptive.

Meanwhile, Melicious calls it right by saying, “Assphony went to all the guys and planted these little seeds because Laura blew his ego and wanted to hang out with other guys.” The girls vote and its 3-3 with Laura the only one left to vote. Oh, this should be easy....vote out the asshole that has been stabbing you in the back right? Right?? It seems to make perfect sense to me, but Laura, who is about as bright as a rolling blackout, says “I’m the only one he’s bad mouthing and now its down to me to vote him off??” Uhm yeah...seems like a pretty ideal situation to me. Let’s see, guy’s bad mouthing you and you get to vote him off....well, what’s the problem there?

At the vote off, Micow delivers the news that Laura is gone and just for a second we get to see the famous bug-eyes as a shocked and not at all acting Toni shows her disbelief.

The girls deliver the news that they are voting out Adrian, even though they can’t do that since he has the Switch Card. Morons. Adrian makes a smart move by telling the girls how all women suck, but especially the seven that are left on the boat. Oh, he’ll last long. Anyway, Adrian switches Tony for him in order to give the budding Tony/Laura romance a chance to grow.

As everyone says goodbye, Toni pulls yet another NicHo (BB2 reference, in case everyone has already forgotten that show, as they should) by crying yet again when someone leaves.

Alright, that’s enough, this show was kind of boring so I really don’t feel like writing anything else. And by “kind of” I of course mean so much that I wanted to gouge out my own eyes and stuff them into my ears so I wouldn’t have to see or hear this crap any longer.

The previews for the next show come on and it looks like someone calls Adrian a male chauvinist pig. No way, that couldn’t possibly true. Also, a romance blossoms between Toni and some guy named Greg as she says, “Greg has a big heart and I just need to figure out how I’m going to get there.” Uhm, I can think of two ways.

And before I leave, one more thing.......who’s Greg?

Guess who?