Previously I never thought of myself as someone who would even watch romance reality TV, let alone recap this dreck. So, why am I still here? Two words: drinking games. Drinking games provide me with a means to self-immunize against brain-cell loss due to mind-numbing repetitive behavior and a great way to feel closer to my message board buddies.

During all these seasons, occasionally there have been awesome moments but those moments don’t come without a price and I’m not talking about the liquor store bill. Watching this genre means coming to terms with the fact that awesome moments are sandwiched between long, long, long periods of suckitude. That’s why I’m on the wagon -- the drinking game bandwagon, that is.

This week we have the Largest Assortment of Drinking Games EVER! Long-time readers are familiar with Snog’n’Sip, the sipping for kissing game. Occasionally I'll point out sipping opportunities, but basically, anytime the history of Byron with one of the ladies is reviewed, rest assured it contains anywhere from 5 to 15 sips. You can use your own impressions on how strong you felt their connection was based on what you saw of their journey to determine how big of a sip to take.

Reflective Sipping was devised in Byron’s honor and appeals to those who enjoy a little diligent analysis before they partake of their G&Ts or chardonnay. In last week’s recap thread at RTVT, we discussed where to take the intrepid drinking game for this Women All Kvell episode and Hopie suggested Sipping For B!tchiness. I agree! Perfection! If it looks like we’re tailoring the Games to ensure maximum intoxication in minimum time, then generally and on the whole, you’re right. B!tchiness is the ticket tonight if you want to “win” the Blotto Lotto more quickly than Snog’n’Sip can provide. The truly adventurous/desperate should b!tch-sip whenever I’m b!tchy, too. Our motto this week is: “Call ‘em as you see ‘em, sip ‘em when you feel ‘em.”

As a bonus game, I have also created The TMI Game for the recap readers. In lieu of the foregoing games (or in addition thereto: let your existing medical conditions be your guide), sip whenever you see the letters TMI (which stand for Too Much Information.) And now, let’s get on with the show!

Next week's special guest game will be Sipping for Allusions to Mary (and Her Family) Having Been Hurt Before, which for obvious reasons would have been a completely inappropriate game tonight.

Previously this season, we met Byron and Jay, two of America’s most personality-free bachelors. They in turn met 25 biddybumps on logs. Byron won the rose-off and immediately booted 10 (un)lucky biddies without determining or even seeming to care if they had voted for him. Then Byron moved in! With his dog!! Chris claimed this twist caused mayhem but since we weren’t shown any of it before, I have my doubts. Byron cut 5 more, then the producers threw in some mayhem of their own.

You see, bizarre and surprising as it may be, it turns out that appearing on this show is not a guarantee of landing a man and living happily ever after. The proof is Mary and Heather, Rejectees. And just how exactly were Heather and Mary selected to meet Byron? On the other hand, is the answer likely to provide a legitimate sipping opportunity under the rules of at least one of our current Drinking Games? Because if not, why would we care? They can’t be the only two previous contestants still unattached because most of the contestants have been dogs at best. Maybe the producers picked their names out of a hat. Mary is still in the running to become America’s Next Bachelor Rejectee, so either Byron really likes her or he’s really spiteful.

From 12 to 8 to 6 to 4, each cut more predictable than the cut before. After visiting 3 women in their natural habitats, he selected his final 2: Mary the Returning Momma Wannabe and Tania the Special Ed Teacher Who Voted for Jay. He told a friend of Tania’s that being with her is “a relief,” making her sound like a pack of Rolaids. Since the Tania date followed the Mary date, that coincidentally also made her seem like future wife material. Romance reality TV has coughed up more than its share of of hairballs, notably PigBob Guiney and Jesse the Canadian Clophodder. What are the odds that Byron really is sweet, charming and good-looking?

AND NOW! More precrap!

Coming up next on “It’s really all about Me, My Personal Self and I On Television”, the 25 bubblehead loser reject pussies who didn’t pass muster, will reappear with their GATO (Given-name, Age and Token Occupation), ready to sell themselves to the next bidder. Pre-crap also warns us Krusta and Jayne have hot seat tickets, Cyndi has memorized her “I’m so broke up” speech and Cheresse just wants more facetime. If you thought we’d be hearing from most of the women, then you haven’t watched The Women All Kvell before. On the other hand, even one woman saying something real would be amazing and set a record.

Finally! We’re underway. Chris is back and this time, the Seats of Heat are pale blue. Ah, the irony. He yaks about twists and cutthroat competition and insists that coming up soon are scenes ne’er before seen. It turns out as it always does, they are mostly variations of oft-before seen crap.

Remember these chicks? Me either. So, okay, maybe a couple. I only wrote down their names. The GATO was there, the interest wasn’t. Susie, Ashley, Wende (whom I only remember because her TAR4 runner-up sister’s boyfriend Jon is such a hottie), Kristin, Kerry, Lisa, Leina (chick who left for her “best friend, and no, we learn nothing further), Amanda, Nicole, Abby (whom I don’t remember but onscreen GATO says she’s an acrobat, which I find hilarious), Jennifer, Carolyn, Kelly (“look at me! I have a dog too! Her name is Lola, she'd like a cola. She comes everywhere with me, I hope she doesn't have to pee”), Natalie, Cynthia (a.k.a. Cyndi), Elizabeth (the black chick who lasted the longest), Krusta (ugh!), Melinda, Andrea (Woo! and she doesn't get to talk, haha), Amy, Heather (latecomer who was bounced immediately), Kristie (she still looks kind of mannish), Jayne (old and crazy looking) and Cheresse (who blows a kiss at everyone for some unfathomable reason. Who does she think she is, Charlie's Angel?) Green outfits abound this time. Green, for jealousy?

Before we go any further, let’s count those names. Hmm, only 24, eh… 25 original + 2 Retreads – 2 Unlucky Finalists = 25. Who had the nerve to decline to return? I consult a list of original women and discover that Alma, 35, from Oregon had such nerve. Or maybe she “misplaced” her invitation or hasn’t yet received it or just had the plain good sense to blow this lame gig off altogether.

Mr. AMAI thinks Abby & Natalie are more suited to Byron. How would he know, given that Byron probably tossed many women who really would have been more suitable? But thanks for showing an interest, hon!

Okay, we’re about to dive into actual “now” material. Are you ready? Do you have a full pitcher or keg, along with back-up booze?

Miss Controversy herself is first. Krusta, self-proclaimed B!tch, the b!tchiest b!tch in all of b!tchdom, “B!tch is my middle name,” B!tchy McB!tcherson, her, plonks herself down in the Seat of Heat and immediately commences flipping her hair around, in a very annoying, hence, b!tchy manner. At first I thought it sensible to get her turn out of the way; now I realize I'm pissed that she even gets a turn and furthermore, how awful for those who follow her. She’s definitely the most likely to pee in the chair or have stinky sweat or something equally skanky and horrible that will make the chair uncomfortable and all subsequent users smell funky.

Our first course of B!tchery consists of scenes we didn’t see. What can Chris mean, scenes we didn’t see? Every time we broke away from Byron and his Date O’ The Day, we were served an ugly portion of B!tch. And if there is one thing we didn’t need to see or hear more of, it’s this unappetizing skank. Furthermore, she was cut when the group was trimmed from 8 to 6. Byron didn’t even take her on an Alone Date. Giving her more attention reinforces that she was important this season. Honestly, I'm still stumped on how there can be stuff we missed. Oh, of course, there is no back behind which she didn’t talk. And we hadn’t yet seen her talk about people like Amy, for example.

The producers obviously figure that but for her, there wouldn’t have been much a show. Take half a sip for the b!tchy producers foisting her on us. At least we have our drinking game.

B!tch’s Views on Amy: Get over herself (like every other fricken girl in the house.) Get roots done. Get make up tips. Go home now. B!tch also tells some other unidentified girl that she’ll “break her other arm” for her.

Now, you should sip for each comment, which would yield 5 sips, not 6. The “I’ll break her arm” comment is beyond b!tchy, and I advise against sipping for that. We’re not sipping for B!tch’s violent tendencies. Not this week, anyway. Unless you want to. Perhaps those of you less used to alcohol could make decent headway through a martini...

In the house, someone asks B!tch if it bothers her that people don’t like her. She considers the issue, finally snotting back, “No.” Maybe I should indicate when not to sip; B!tch’s appearances are 99.99% sip-worthy.

B!tch says Cheresse just wants to notch up enough camera time so she can be the next Bachelorette. “Call her a limo – get her the f*ck out.” Of course, no way in hell is B!tch ever going to be considered for that role, so her only course of action is to bad-mouth Cheresse. But is it bad-mouthing? Is this b!tchy or simply the truth? While I tend to think it’s the truth, you might consider it b!tchy. Take one, two or three sips according to your moral compass.

B!tch enjoys saying that Andrea is emotionally disturbed. Again, this qualifies as a sip more because the word “disturbed” is a personal B!tch favorite and less for the b!tchiness of the comment itself. Andrea most definitely IS emotionally disturbed and should look into her food=love issues. The pot/kettle-ness of it all further qualifies this morsel for a sip. Not that we need reasons to sip; I’m just trying to be thorough here. B!tch goes on to inform us that she was afraid to close her eyes one night on account of lame-a$$ Andrea’s disturbedness. I’m happy to hear B!tch experienced a taste of the nightmare everyone else lives through every time she appears in their vicinity, whether on TV or in person.

“I’ll have to trip her and break her ankle.” Those now sipping specifically for B!tch’s violent tendencies, sip! I fully expect that the next time this creep appears on TV she’ll be in handcuffs. What a horrible specimen.

The “Kristie is a hockey-playing man” material gets a replay. It feels old to me but that’s because Mr. AMAI and I commented many times about her masculine qualities. And who among us hasn’t said Cyndi looks like an alien with fake boobs? Kelly and Andrea have fake boobs, which, again, are merely observations. However, I advise sipping for the tone of voice, as that is constantly, unrelentingly and stomach-churningly b!tchy. B!tch b!tchily adds that if she’d been allergic to silicon she’d have been dead. Oh opportunity lost. That would have been so cool. I’m sipping for the dream.

B!tch readily admits she is a b!tch and will kick everyone’s a$$ inside that house. Ho-hum. A short scene with Byron follows in which she lies, “Oh yeah, I get along with everybody.” She wears no make-up and looks predictably hideous. The difference between B!tch with ten pounds of makeup (onstage, at Rose Ceremonies) vs B!tch without an ounce of makeup (in all her sitting around the house scenes, remarkably, usually with Byron!) demonstrates for me why she is so mean. It’s an understatement to say she is not naturally pretty. She is plain and ugly with makeup. Without makeup, she is serial-killer material.

After B!tch’s OutTakes, camera pans over tight-lipped Cheresse and Andrea. Andrea may be a foolish woman, but I never had the impression that she’s mean-spirited. Cheresse looks pissed off, but she’s no angel. In the Seat of Heat, B!tch cackles, tosses her hair and rolls back and forth in her chair. Either she finds herself uproariously entertaining or she’s on the verge of a fit. I have the impression that she has no friends and never has had. I wouldn’t trust the people who would flock to her side after her performance on this show.

Our second course consists of Chris asking questions. Does B!tch feel bad? She never really gets around to answering with 'yes' or 'no,' choosing instead to extend her face-time blithering about “honesty” and “putting herself out there” and “having fun.” We know the answer is 'no,' but it’s kind of interesting that in this situation, she didn’t own her earlier position. She explains she knew this was all destined to be broadcast, while in the bottom corner of the screen, Byron, who is backstage, puts both hands up, two fingers crossed to ward off the evil spirit.

Kristie the Man takes a turn. Mr. AMAI points out that he thought he saw a “package” when we had that glimpse of Kristie in her bikini poolside but I risk hitting TMI by pointing out that maybe she has a big pud, or was on her period, or maybe it was a weird camera angle. Kristie says B!tch belittles people to make herself feel better. Yeah, I could buy that. Mr. AMAI and I agree her nastiness is the product of insecurity and no self-esteem.

Cyndi alludes to a recent issue of “In Touch” one of those Big & Pointy magazines, which apparently sports a picture of B!tch, all b!tched up in leather on a motorcycle. Cyndi calls it a Poor Man’s Pam Anderson and cattily suggests B!tch look into silicone. (Half a sip, maximum! For a full sip, Cyndi should have told her to look into a personality transplant.) But B!tch doesn’t like it when others try to muscle in on her b!tchfest territory. No one may one-up the B!tchmeister. She’d like to think she owns the b!tchy limelight, yet her reply lacks oomph, pizzazz and soul. “I like my boobs just fine,” is poor quality but then, big boobs would just get in the way and slow her down.

Kristie wants to know what part of her looks like a man. Heh, what part doesn’t? (Oooh, AMAI, bringing a sipping opportunity!) Well, the voice is deep and the face is horsey. Anyone can slap on some boobs. We rewind and look at her “package.” Hmm, jury is still out. Kristie tells B!tch to get a real job and buy herself nice stuff if she’s so “high maintenance.” B!tch’s foot waves around, a sure sign of nervousness and/or anger at once again being out-b!tched.

Chris puts a stop to the When B!tch Attacks portion of the evening. Awww, and I was just getting warmed up. “She wasn’t the only one cutting down the competition,” he admonishes. Is he protecting the company's "property?" I mean, we know she was a producer-plant, but this is over-the-top. Refill your glass as we roll tape….

Meh, it’s a repeat of Cheresse telling Byron she knows now why none of these women are married. It’s still a sip but it’s nothing new. Cyndi wants to know, “Did we do a background check? Do we know who’s crazy?” She goes on to talk about G. I. Jayne and Psycho Kitty (Andrea). Cyndi says Cheresse measured her a$$ every day. Heather got a lot of negative commentary (needy person, slut, etc.), but she doesn’t count because she was an interloper. People had bad stuff to say about B!tch, too, but that doesn’t count either. Kristie was a truckdriving potty mouth, smoking cigarettes and knocking back shots. Each of our "stars" this evening (i.e., Cheresse, Cyndi and B!tch) gets to say that other women are looney tunes and crazy. I'll guesstimate a glass & a half or 10 sips, whichever you prefer.

You know, the thought occurs: you can’t squash a season’s worth of information into one 40 minute “revelations” show. Why are they trying to? Chris says it was one of the wildest groups they’ve ever had, and yet, it seems there are too many women whom we never got to know.

Back in the studio Cheresse laughs loudly about the a$$ measuring. Did she really measure it every day? She says no, then stands up and slaps her butt, mumbling something that sounded like, “Outta luck.” Meaning what? The guy who turned her down is outta luck? “Maintaining perfection is hard work”?

Cyndi felt like she was back in high school, with the locker room mentality and the PMS/hormones-raging atmosphere. So that’s why she continually told Byron she felt like a schoolgirl. Which came first, the petty gossiping or the big crush?

Going into TMI territory, Cyndi explains, “So many women and no men, Cheresse started looking good to me,” fully expecting the huge laugh she (admittedly) receives. "That would have made for good tv," says Chris forlornly, a TMI in itself.

Heather knew she was not going to be welcomed. And you can buzz off, now, too. Cheresse’s parting words for B!tch are she’s taking it with a grain of salt. B!tch looks pissed to learn she isn’t getting as much of a rise out of one of her prime targets as she'd hoped. She bites out, “Good for you” through tight lips. “I’d hope everyone would do that.” Then her face twists involuntarily. She is not happy that Cheresse is stoic; she wants everyone on the floor in puddles of tears begging for mercy. Or something. Mr. AMAI thinks she’s very insecure and hides behind the nasty comments. She strikes first and often. Yes, Mr. AMAI has deigned to join me for this show. During precrap ‘n’ ads, he grills me to ensure I included his comment about Kristie’s man-bulge.

Back and Chris is thanking B!tch for taking the Seat of Heat and for facing the “music.” She smirks in her usual ugly way. But before we can shut down the cacophony, Chris noticed Amy has “something going on." She speaks with a catch in her voice. “I totally defended you!” B!tch is momentarily stymied, “When?” “After the show aired. Do you understand what people say about you? Remember on the second day you said to me, ‘Amy, I hope you of all people would defend me?’ Well, I did!!” And now she’s hurt, confused and needs a comforting hug. Honestly, TMI. B!tch looks at her all, “Are you a dumbass?”

Chris tells us obviously we’re digging deeper into secrets than ever before, what with all the jealousy and secrets and whatnot. But no, not really. I know it seems like the women have something to say this season, unlike every other incarnation of this candy-a$$ show. It seems like the output is living up to the hype (and by “hype” I mean, title of the show), but it’s an illusion, mostly. The women tell us nothing of substance, again.

Jayne’s Turn in the Blue Seat of Heat. So, yeah. Chris’ idea of a brilliant segue to Jayne’s segment is “jealousy and secrets.”

She sashays forward, he launches in. "Everyone thought you were the Frontrunner in Byron’s eyes." The highlights are recrapped, beginning with Byron & Jay checking out the girls and Byron saying, “She’s my favorite.” They fish and she does a good job, so he says “Oh I’m loving you.” She does a good cast and he patronizes her, "Good cast." He should pull out a small bag of treats and pat her on the head.

Confessionals about striking gold with her because she’s falling in love with what he loves to do confirm our original impression that he's very self-involved. So, oh, boy, a sip for the patient Reflective Sippers! He did have a lot of personality with her, but that's not saying a whole hell of a lot, so far. Then, tragedy. Jayne finished her custom-made personality regularizing prescription, having unexpectedly lasted longer than she packed for. She lost her marbles, her grip on reality and her ability to self-censor. Bits of Jayne are still on the walls of that mansion.

Next thing they knew, they were taking the horseback ride of shame into the sunset and the front-running was over. In fact, the chances of being the first "older woman" bachelorette also went out the window; even future bachelors are making notes to insert in their contract that under no circumstances is Jayne to be introduced into the roster of rowfies.

Cyndi's DR that Jayne’s the front-runner is inserted around here, for some reason.

Noisy smooching, so yay for the Snog-n-Sippers! Then, awww, sad guitar music. “I can see a future with Jayne,” says Byron. Unfortunately it looks toxic.

Chris probes, “How’d that feel to hear ... (and I thought for a second that he was going to ask her how it felt to hear that she's a crazy loon, but then realized that he's not really asking questions we want to hear answered) .. to hear he’s falling in love with you?” Shy Jayne is back, firmly tucked into place, “I didn’t even realize that.” She's kind of a dimwit. But then, how smart do you need to not be to happily groom dogs?

She couldn’t tell she was the lead gal, because all these other beautiful women (and B!tch) were still there. I think that's the part of it that the producers seem oblivious to. They think we need the manufactured drama in the form of a House B!tch, but really, we don't. The true drama that ensues when a group of women finds they're truly all developing feelings for the same guy, and he is reciprocating, would be much more interesting and actually original. Stop, already, with forcing the guy to keep the B!tch around. She just obfuscates the good stuff. That's me ranting. This show is at its best when the conflicts are real; perhaps the problem is that the exec producers don't trust that such conflict will always occur. To that I say, if there's not a real conflict, then chances are there's a real love story (example, Meredith and Ian.) Either way, the target market will be happy with the result.

Back to the show, Chris requests the audience to show their support for Jayne As The Front-runner and they break into raucous cheering and applause. Yeah, okay I admit it, I thought it was going to be Jayne, too. Mr. AMAI reckons that the fishing outing revealed she actually hates the outdoors.

Jaws dropped when her emotions got the best of her. Cyndi thought Jayne was jealous. More footage of B!tch in which she mildly (for her) observes that usually Jayne doesn’t have a thing to say. “Jayne, stay in your shell. It’s actually better.” Yeah, same backatcha. That’s a sipworthy comment.

The prelude to hot tub replays. It turns out Byron tried to beg off, pleading stomach pains. Jayne tries to whisk him through it: “So, pain’s over. Let’s go.” “No it’s not. It just happened.” Aww poor Byron. The woman he was pretty sure was “the one” turned out to be Pyscho Beeyotch From Hayull and the most frightening part was her name wasn’t Krusta. I can see how you’d end up with stomach upset. Mr. AMAI reckons Jayne realized she was gonna picked and she panicked. That's quite an insightful comment, hon. Plus, remember how I used to wonder about whether Jayne were gay?

Jayne reprises her crazy-assed yelling, with Cyndi reprising her comment that Jayne lost it, along with another tidbit of new footage: “There were no ruby slippers for Jayne.”

Jayne’s last moments with Byron recrap; he thought she seemed stable and solid; we thought she was on drugs; she unraveled and he saw all his aspirations vanishing by the second. He re-blathers "another time another place" like that cliché could possibly mean anything, given the situation. Honestly, I'm going to need another drinking category, "Dumbass Remarks Courtesy of Byron."

In studio, Jayne says she has nothing to say to Byron because he lied to her and led her on. Yawn. Her pinched face would be perfect for an Acid Reflux Disease poster.

Chris implores her to tell us all, “What happened? What the heck happened?” Chris acting like he's such a gossip who just wants to dish the dirt is unseemly. He's not gay, yet he doesn't quite have the older brother touch that Mark L. Wahlberg has over on Temptation Island. It's TMI whatever else it is.

Jayne, “I’m sorry everyone had to see me act that way again. It’s embarrassing.” Again? But she’s glad for it. (Again.) She saw it and it won’t be happening again." (Right.) Gals cheer but the damage is done. Try getting that toothpaste back in the tube, dearie. Also, way to weasel out of supplying an explanation. It was the empty drug stash, wasn't it?

Jayne lays the blame mainly on Cyndi and Cheresse, for they were the two who loved to gossip. Cheresse, hard-hearted, snaps out, “And it had to be about you?” Oh boy, big sip!! Jayne counters that the two of them talked about everyone and “a person can only take so much.” Cheresse says she may have said it was wild that Andrea fell in love so early, but "I didn’t go crazy.” Jayne says she didn’t go crazy either but had to deal with a bunch of gossips talking about her. Cheresse maintains she did too. Oh nobody talked about you, Cheresse. Hmm, maybe that's what's really bothering her.

Kristie tries to empathize with Jayne, saying she got that “Hushed Room” treatment too. She says she took to knocking on doors and walls to alert people to her impending presence. Nobody comments about that because they could hear her man-feet clomping down the hall and the tippy-tapping was redundant.

Cyndi reckons Jayne is the only one who had a problem with her. Jayne apparently ruined her 5 seconds of happiness. Jayne retorts she wasn’t happy with how her date went, which is exactly what I figured. All those women talking about her upset her as well. "How about the group sitting around talking about me before I went on the date?" Cheresse shrugs, all “Yeah, so what? Sh!t happens.” Jayne can't read the shrug and whines, “You don’t remember talking about me?” Hey, I remember. And why isn’t Chris teeing up that footage?

Cheresse talks about being in the running but funnily enough doesn't receive a formal invitation to sit in the Seat of Heat. So not in the running. She was in the Final Four because Jayne lost it and Andrea really was missing a screw or two. Chris asks if she was shocked at being cut. She lies she hoped for a future and to bring him to her hometown and meet her family. Cheresse trots out her own prepared speech, "If you don’t take the fantasy suite you don’t get to go further than that." Sip for the b!tchy! Whoops and cheers worthy of an episode of Springer ensue. She’d be embarrassed if she were him, to have kicked that one girl out. I'd be embarassed if I were her, making these idiotic and groundless observations. (BTW, I took the Fantasy Suite the other night. The next night I got lamb chops for dinner. Mmmmm.)

As for Cheresse and her “chemistry with Byron,” excuse me, what chemistry? I do not buy for a second that these two ever had chemistry. Their fantasy sailing date looked like a nightmare, with Byron finding any conceivable reason to hug from behind so he wouldn't have to look her square in the face. Of all the chemistry-free dates I've ever seen on Blind Date, theirs was the least contaminated by chemistry.

I think she’d have gotten cut regardless of a visit to the Suite. She back-pedals a wee bit, “maybe we didn’t have chemistry.” But then she re-forward pedals that everything he says to everybody seems to be the same. Oh très b!tchy comment. Drain glass. And she's calling others delusional? There really is n overly large percentage of crazy, freaky women this season.

Cyndi's Audition, er Turn in the Seat of Heat. After ads, Chris says Cyndi was another who went home broken-hearted. She may have acted blasé, but she’s here to tell the truth. She was stunned. First, the recrap of the schlep down memory lane. He’s hot, she’s giddy, he's hot, she’s a schoolgirl. She hadn’t felt this good in "prob’ly 15 years." Whoa, that's pathetic. We re-watch as she raises the “ex topic.” “Are you over your ex?” He’s drunk in the limo and this pisses him off instantaneously. “You wanna talk 'bout my exsh-wife?” “No.” “Then whyzshhee comin’ up?”

She made her ultimatum and he acted on it. So off she went home. Chris prods her and she says she didn’t say anything because she thought it was a bad dream. Okay, that’s bullshit and I'm sipping for it. (Onscreen, Andrea and Kristie display shock.) Cyndi’s monologue continues, “No way he just called somebody’ else’s name.” She’s still emotional, and Chris can see it in her eyes. He can see something in her eyes - he must be getting that up-close & personal version of the Crazy Eye we used to notice at Rose Ceremonies.

Byron’s in the corner of the screen looking poleaxed, lost and vacant. Cyndi milks this for all it’s worth. She can practically smell a Hollywood screen test, or at least a recurring role on Days of Our Lives. "I thought we were sharing the same feelings. He said it over and over that he felt the same way. I hate to say it but (dramatic pause) Jayne might be right that he’s lying about his feelings." *Bury face in hands, then bravely raise head and dab at one eye.*

Once Cyndi realized how much she missed the cameras and attention, er, how broke up she was, she called the show in the middle of the night. They quickly hauled the Emergency Diary Room over to her place and filmed her “writing in her diary” and tearfully “telling all.”

Chris asks, “You were in love with Byron?” “I definitely felt for him.” As in, felt sorry? But not really in love with Byron, but with cameras.

“My intuition told me I’d be the last woman standing. For him to pull the rug out, I’m confused. Why did it end like this? I kept thinking the limo will turn around and I’ll get a rose.” Couple days later, and she’s still at home, wondering where the hell is the limo. With a catch in her throat she says how she loved seeing him, saying hello to him, loved hanging out with him, talking with him. She felt special and that’s gone. (Where are the tears?) He opened a vein in her and she doesn’t know what to do with it. She still feels there is a future for them. (Uh oh, now she's verging into delusional territory.) He was her soulmate and she’ll never meet anyone else. Okay, now she’s going overboard, just trowelling it on – is anyone buying this?

In studio, she thinks he should get a hold of her and talk to her about it. She won’t find anyone else to have these feelings with. I dare not sip – I may lose my drink all over the laptop as I type.

Another chair has been placed next to Cyndi, so that Byron may join the Pity Party. Whoops and cheers greet his arrival.

She melodramatically moves to the far side of her chair. She doesn’t know whether to hug him or throw something at him. He’s feeling horrible. She says, “Good.” He sniffles melodramatically. I think we need a sip, let's file it under Reflections.

Byron thinks it’s overwhelming, gut-wrenching and painful. That's close enough to call a TMI. It was difficult. She is speechless, so Chris prods her to make the most of this opportunity and obtain the answers she said she wants. She says, “You look great.” He says, “So do you.” She says, “Wanna go make out?” Huge laughs from the crowd and he takes the opportunity to awkwardly reach over to give her a hug. It was a lovely moment, because it broke the tension.

“Why did you let me go?” Byron pulls out the obvious ultimatum dilemma. “We were growing, just like Tania and Mary and I were growing.” It wasn’t something missing in her, so much as his fear that were he to reject her at final 2, that would have been worse. He didn’t want to do that, was afraid to hurt her and her parents. Of course, this is a giant Reflection, so you patient Reflective Sippers, enjoy your drinks now. She says, “Missed it, missed out on a great girl.” Crowd cheers. He says the women are remarkable and Cyndi would be a gift to anyone’s life. While I did find her "broke-up story" to be over the top, I think she did get a little more invested than she thought she would, and did have a bit of delayed-reaction sadness over getting tossed.

But then, this begs the question: if she hadn't made that ultimatum, would he have chosen her for the Final 2, and if so, in place of whom?

Now that she’s heard this, which really, how hard could it have been to figure out, but anyway, now that she’s heard it, she’s okay. She wishes him the best, apologizes for the hard questions. They smile at each other and shake hands. Awww. She's still kind of cute and definitely has a sense of humor and timing. Maybe she'll turn up as a stand-up comedienne.

Mr AMAI is still working on his theory that Abby and Natalie were so quickly eliminated because they’re too much like his first wife and that means Byron will “never learn.”

Chris reminds everyone Byron is the first bachelor to live among the ladies. 15 girlfriends is apparently some mythical man’s “dream.” Byron says women were lurking round every corner and fighting for his attention. Short montage of 5 women saying Byron is “Mr. Right.” Cyndi and Kristie are the only ones I recognize. That was lame.

He sits in his poolhouse, on the bed reading, voicing over he likes to be alone. Someone comes to the door, disturbing his solitude! The women were trying all different things to spend time with him. Cyndi whines to Mary about the situation. Jayne explains some of the ploys used to get Byron’s attention – notes, flowers, food, pictures, drinks. Byron says “I’m a dead man.” Pool antics. He says it’s hard to stay focused when there is so much drama. Yeah, so I do remember this stuff, but while it was a bit of drama, it didn't feel like "mayhem."

Cheresse in a DR says many girls are using ‘tactics” to score time with him. B!tch corners Byron on a sofa somewhere, complaining she hasn’t had any time with him. He says, “You have had plenty of time, usually unsolicited.” Bwahahaha!! Also, sip! That was the best comment of the night. Have two sips! Gorgeously b!tchy. He even looked off to the side, like “H E L P. I’m Byron, Get Me Out of Here.” The montage of women ends with Byron looking bedraggled and ready to snap or break down.

Chris says, “Most men think living with 15 women is a dream.” “Watch what you wish for,” says Byron all knowing-like. Then Chris says, “You tried to bribe me, but I’m opening it up to the ladies.” “Oh great,” Byron doesn’t even try to hide his displeasure, laying on the sarcasm.

Cheresse wants Byron to admit that the Fantasy Suite had a bearing on his choice. He explains he told her at dinner that the Suite represents 8 or 10 hours to spend together, and that they needed that time. It’s about sitting around the fire, in sweats, eating chocolate covered strawberries, sipping wine, chatting, etc., being friendly and building a relationship.

Cheresse was afraid of how it would look, is what she wanted us to think at the time, as I recall. However, the bottom line here is she really didn't care, wasn't into him at the time and is just trying to cause trouble now. Exasperated, Byron’s about had it with trying to have her understand that that’s all he did with the other women. It wasn’t about hot sex (necessarily, although I do wonder about the Cyndi date.) I have a feeling he didn't have sex with all of them but enjoyed the extended time, whatever it consisted of. She didn’t want it, so he obviously thought she didn’t want him.

Chris facilitates, asking Cheresse if she's “buying” that. She shrugs. Now Byron is pissed off, “Why not? That’s what happened.” He doesn’t want the other women to feel like they’ve been painted with a hussy brush. I guess. And look at me getting so invested. He looks disgusted, with Cheresse, with B!tch, with so much stupidity and pettiness. Maybe he’s pissed that someone who wasn’t really into him was responsible for driving away someone who was (e.g. Jayne.) Cheresse concludes she has to buy it, because he’s saying it even though he says it to everyone. Yeah, whatever. Now I’ve had enough of her. What a little b!tch. (Sip!)

Jayne changes direction. She wants to thank Byron for being nice to her at the slumber party when she lost it. Watching that was hard, and she's sorry. He reminds her he picked her even after that slumber party, which, Byron, please. What do you want, a medal? You had plenty of other women to toss, women in whom you had zero interest, looneys, as I recall. He wants another gold star for telling people what a remarkable woman Jayne was. Except, emphasis on "was." He adds that if it had been Elizabeth who’d been having a hard time, he’d have gone to console her. Elizabeth’s contribution to the season is summed up here: she rolls her eyes.

B!tch sees an opportunity to interject, “I don’t think you would have followed me out.” “That's because I would have feared for my life.” (Huge laugh. Also, sip! Sip for b!tchy sippers + sip for violent tendencies sippers!) She continues she never met a man so scared of her. “Nobody has been locked in the same house with you before,” replies Byron. Ooooh burn. SIP! She wants it on the record that she has spent time in the same house with guys before. Hey B!tch, your brothers don’t count.

“You were scantily clad and freaking me out and freaking out my dog Sabrina.” Byron’s disgust is palpable. It's also a not-too-subtle way of conveying that she lasted as long as she did solely because producers made him keep her around. There is NO way he had any interest in her.

Final Thoughts. Chris asks for final thoughts. Cheresse starts out saying she was glad she got to meet all these women and it was great experience and Chris interrupts her, “Um final thoughts for Byron?” Laughs all round. Cheresse finally allows as how she's known the truth all along, “We didn’t have chemistry and it is what it is. I’m glad I got to meet you.” Finally! But what a little cow, eh? What was it with all those bullshit accusations, then? She knew there was no chemistry, and probably got more out of the gossiping than she got out of the dates.

Cyndi has one last thorny topic: “Why did you freak out when I asked about your ex?” He has a line of patter and goes into it. It's a long convoluted monologue about how it was a hot night, all emotionally charged and stuff. “I saw myself going kind of GI Byron. There was no TV, no phone and no books.” Here's where I finally decided to note down what Byron chose to wear this evening. He’s in a black tee, with an unbuttoned brown-orange shirt over that and matching brown/orange shoes and black jeans. I think they were black. He’s not that badly dressed. Definitely not the worst we’ve ever seen. He looks put together at least.

Jay. After ads, Jay returns. What for, you ask? To ask someone out. Oh? The audience cheers itself sick. Chris asks the ladies, “Who voted for Jay?” There’s a middle distance shot of the show of hands but the camera dips and swoops around. It's almost impossible to work out all of the culprits, but we do learn that B!tch, for one, voted for Jay. Heeeyyyy, didn’t she get upset after learning that someone else who'd voted for Jay was still here, receiving alone-time with Byron? She’s such a plant she could sprout leaves.

“Wow, like surreal, man. When I left I just wanted to get some sleep," says Jay dweebily. TMI and I don't want to know more.

The contest was rigged, too. Five minutes alone with this guy, and Jesse the Clod looks intruiguing. What a dweeb. Jay’s one of those generic "It’s great to see everybody. Where's the football game?" type of guys. He's here to thank those who voted for him. He’s an entrepreneur. Oh, wanna bet he also applied to be The Apprentice and Rebel Billionaire? Jay says the competitive side of him was “bummed.” What a twat! He comes from a family of 5 guys and losing is tough. Blah blah if he’s meant to blah blah win he’s blah blah meant to win. Byron’s been great. Blah blah. Yeah, looks like the women made the right choice and selected the more interesting guy with something going on upstairs. And man, I know! I'm talking about Byron!!

Chris asks if he's dating anyone. "Having a blast in New York City," is Jay's TMI reply. He also tells the other women that it should be great for all of them, too. (Pssst, Jay, remember what I said about Heather and Mary? It doesn't always work both ways.) "Now everyone out there knows you're single and committed to getting married." He says that like it's a good thing.

Chris says, "You and Byron sat there and watched all the ladies. Who specifically is invited for this coffee? Who are your favorites?" Jay tries the diplomatic route but Chris won’t let him cop out. He wants names! "Looks can be deceiving," Jay is a craftier weasel than Chris figured on. But finally, out spill a few names. Jay says he was attracted to Natalie, Kelly, Leina, and a couple more whose names he's not revealing because they're the ones he probably intends to truly invite out. But he wants to get to know them and what’s going on there. Jay looks like he's thinking, "Hey, did I mention I'm having a blast in New York?" He really doesn't need anyone here to be "the one, the love" of his life.

Chris thanks him for coming back and tells him he was a great one-day bachelor. And he’s still a one-day bachelor and still taking numbers. Also, still kind of a dillwad.

Next Time On!… Precrap shills for Byron’s big decision about whom to choose, Tania or Mary... But first...

Ads! Huge batch of commercials - here's a sampling: Honda is having a snow shovel trade-in sale. Shlep in your tired-out, manually operated shovel and drive away with a snowblower and a giant hole in your bank-account. The shovel should knock about $4.63 off the $1500 pricetag.

Next Time On!… Back, and Chris puts his heart into precrapping the recrap of the journeys of Mary and Tania, which pre-recrapped segment will be repackaged once more to emerge next week in all its glory as a full-fledged pre-re-precrapped-recrapisegment. Suffice to say that the contest is between Mary, with whom Byron had “an instantaneous connection” and Tania, to whom he said, “I love you!” They were at the mechanical bull, but still.

In all seriousness, I agree with Our Hero that it’s a difficult decision. I’d say it’s the most difficult decision we’ve ever seen, ever, on Romance Reality TV. There’s real precrap in which family members accompany their Loved Ones to the mansion for some grilling of and by the Bass Boy and his loved ones, followed by a sneak peak of each woman visiting Byron’s hometown, wherever the hell that is. It’s a see-saw of precrapisodic tidbits, designed to make us think first this one wins, then that one. Poorly edited precrap hints that he goes down on one knee to a woman in a black dress, which unctuous voice-over would have me believing is “the most romantic proposal ever.” Naturally, both women are wearing black so no sneaky figuring out who it is beforehand. Suddenly I notice the spelling of Tanya’s name. It turns out there is no one this season named “Tania.” Looks like foreshadowing to me…

Thanks for reading.