LAST EDITED ON 09-30-04 AT 04:14 AM (EST)

My apologies for the long delay, my thanks for your patience, and my respect for your fortitude to watch this show. Thanks also to Webby for getting the episode to me.

The Bachelor Season Six: Season Premiere

We're given an idea from the get-go about how long and drawn out this show will be just by watching our host walk through what seems like 10 rooms in two minutes. We're hit with our first shocking twist as the host walks into the conservatory. There is not just one, but *two* bachelors. I so did not see that coming *coughFLOM4cough*. They will compete to be the one left standing after The Very First Women's Rose Ceremony. After that, it's all catfights, backstabbing, and sobbing, the things we cherish most. But first, let's meet our bachelors shall we?

Ok, I haven't read or heard much about this season, but it seems ABC has finally gotten a clue and is now casting older desperate attention whores as opposed to younger desperate attention whores in an attempt to up the chances for The Rebirth of Trista's Wedding. I'm thinking this age thing is pretty cool. With more mature men and women, perhaps there is hope for this show, and maybe even for a relationship. Little do I know how wrong, wrong, wrong I am.

The bachelors Byron and Jay meet each other. They follow the host through the library, courtyard, bathroom, back through the courtyard, and into the secret room where all the shocking secret twists are revealed. There they are told they are going to get a look at the competition. Stupidly, I'm thinking that we will get to see those oh-so-funny audition tapes from the women, but instead, we get to watch not-funny-unless-you're-high videos of the men.

Byron is a bass fisherman, whose office is the water. Where does he put his post-it notes? Ok, I'm jealous, but at least my face doesn't look like a Coach purse that's been run over by a train. He's a SoCal native who grew up at the beach and loves to fish because his earliest memory was fishing with his dad. *Cue sad music* Byron's parents divorced when he was young, thankfully we pictures of him as a boy because I can't imagine him looking younger than Phyllis Diller. Anyhoo, his dad left and he had to take on the role of the man of the house, yada yada yada. He graduated from college, in 1987, I note, and think Byron should discover the wonderful world of moisturizer because in 5 years he will look like he's 80. He's won some fishing awards which are meaningless to me, but apparently he's good cause he's got some big shiny trophies. Byron's friend talks to us as we are shown shots of Byron biking, playng pool, petting his dog, and rescuing 3 cats from a house fire. Byron has been married before, but apparently his wife liked to party Vegas style, and he needed someone at home to clean and gut his fish while he's out doing more outdoorsy stuff.

Jay seems to be the complete opposite of Byron right off the bat, in that he seems to utilize proper skin care. Jay's the city mouse to Byron's beach mouse. He works in real estate in New York City, grew up in a large family in which he has a twin sister, and went to prep school. *Cue sad music again* Jay's father passed away, and we're only given seconds to contemplate that before we are shown the requisite clips of Jay playing golf, hanging out with his family, getting sparkling reviews from his brother and mom, and I actually am hoping he will be the Bachelor. I know, however, that hope on a reality show is as non-existant as a purple people eater.

The men are shown pictures of the women, and prepared for the crazy day ahead. Twenty-five women will be arriving, and they have *no idea* that there's not just one, but *****two***** bachelors! I hope they have EMS standing by to help the women deal with shock.

Jay and Byron secretly watch the women as they alit from their limos in a flurry of highlights and glitter lip gloss. They raid the mansion, jumping on beds and getting hepped up on margaritas. Time to meet our 25 beyot---bachelorettes.

Cheresse, 31, an advertising director who feels that her dating life has suffered due to men being intimidated by the canyon between her boobs.

Cynthia, 37, a charity director who is like a ripe fruit dangling from the tree of youth who yearns to be in a pie somewhere.

Amanda, 27, a cosmetics buyer (Hey, I buy cosmetics too! Can I get paid for that?) who has been unlucky in love on her own and has turned to ABC for that hope I was talking about before.

Carolyn, 36, a financial advisor with southern values and lipstick on her teeth. She seems smart and down to earth and I know she will be gone tonight because the smart ones die an early life on these shows. Which is probably a good thing all around, because it just wouldn't be fun without all the spineless breakdowns.

Amy, 27, a marketing consultant who was raised country but now lives in a dating cesspool in San Diego.

Wende, 28, a model and self-described "wild-##### woman from Texas". I thought all women from Texas were wild, at least the ones I know and love. Wende has a jealousy problem, which I'm sure will play no part in any future scenes whatsoever.

Lisa, 33, a teacher from West Palm Beach Florida. I'm currently on a hiatus from making fun of anyone in Florida, including media hos and myself, until everyone has their power restored so they can revel in the glory of bashing.

Kristie, 32, a bar owner from Canada, who is really pretty if you can see beyond her schnoz. She must have clicked the wrong link when she applied for "Extreme Makeover".

Andrea, 33, a dental hygienist who bears a striking resemblance to the actress who was in "Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down" with Antonio Banderas. Someone better tie Andrea down in a hurry, because she is armed with eight yards of silk for her wedding dress and the self-esteem of a worm. She'll probably make it to the final two.

Nicole, 28, a headhunter who thinks her employment skills will help get her far in this game. If she was a literal headhunter, I'm sure she would get farther.

Kerry, 31, a traveling nurse who wants to be tied down. Kerry, meet Andrea, who you will be tied to for the remainder of the season.

Jayne, 37, a dog groomer from Florida. Due to my hiatus, I'll only say that she is a wallflower waiting to be put out of her misery. Byron claims her as his favorite.

Krysta, 28, a financial analyst who I have decided will take the bashing of the Florida peeps in this summary. She looks older than most of the women and stands by the mantra "all's fair in love and war". All she wants is a guy who will buy her some Sutter Home instead of Boone's Farm.

Leina, 28, an advertising associate who wants four children. She can dream, but we all know when she hits her 30's that number will go way down. I'm currently at 1.5.

Tanya, 31, a special ed teacher who compares her dating life to crickets chirping. I don't get it. Don't crickets chirp to attract a mate? Ok, now I get it, she must not be chirping the correct way.

Elizabeth, 28, a pharmaceutical sales rep and self-described "strong woman" looking for a strong man. Apparently she meant to apply for "Fear Factor".

Alma, 35, a cafe owner who, like, thinks that God, like, saved her for this show. She doesn't know that God only watches shows like "Survivor" and "The Amazing Race".

Kristin, 27, an office manager from Florida. Dammit. Ok, she's ready for marriage because she has a degree, career, house and 2 puppies.

Jennifer, 31, an account executive and Anna Nicole Smith doppleganger complete with rack. I have to chuckle when she says her best feature is her lips while the camera lingers on her "true" best feature.

Abby, 29, an acrobat whose boob shot has the poor luck of following Jennifer's. Abby gets lots of strange questions from men about her occupation, which I'm sure have nothing to do with sex. At all. And she wants to be married by the time she is 30, otherwise she will wither up and die.

Natalie, 34, a writer who loves love and is loving and love is romantic and so is she.

Melinda, 39, a photographer who has never had to catfight for love, but if it comes down to it, she'll scratch and pull some hair.

Susie, 32, an insurance broker who looks like she's had a bad nosejob, but her body will carry her for another few episodes.

Ashley, 31, a teacher who has been married before, to a great guy but it didn't work out. Come on. Details, peeps! It couldn't have been that great. She reminds me of Sarah from "Joe Millionare", perhaps it was she in all the shoe fetish videos. See how much more interesting it can be when you explore the scary parts of your brain?

Kelly, 34, an actress who has brought her puppy, Lola, with her. You know how they say after a while a dog and their owner start to look alike? Didn't take too long for these two, unfortunately it works for the dog but not Kelly.

After seeing the women, the men trip on their tongues and slip in their drool as they run for the pool. Once again we are reminded that the women are in for the surprise of their lives when they find out there are *two* bachelors. Surprise of their lives? Life should be so good, my latest life surprise came to me in the form of something named Frances ripping off my roof. Two bachelors? I can bat an eye if I try really hard.

Chris the host takes the women off-guard as he tells them they are about to meet the bachelor. The women are surprised but distressed that they will not have any time to apply 3 more coats of lipstick and flat iron their hair. Jay is introduced to the women, then Chris brings Byron out and the women scream and jump up and down like they hit the jackpot. Anything but, my friends, anything but. Byron's appearance provides filler though, as we switch from shots of the women, to Jay, to Byron walking through one room, which seems once again like 5 rooms. The women are so very shocked- *two* bachelors?- and they're informed that they get to pick which one stays, which makes them very sad, for about 2 seconds. But the power is in their hands, and evil will rule the earth, bwaaahahaha! Whatever.

The men mingle with the women and their racks, as the women express how hard of a decision this is, ad nauseum. Jay says his hobby is international travel. That's a hobby? More of a luxury, methinks, but the women don't care and dash to find their passports. Tension mounts between Amy and Krysta as they vie for Jay's attentions. Krysta is just mad because it's all about her, everyone should kow that. Jay's a Gemini? I'm a Gemini! What a coinkidink.

More of the women and the difficult decision between cityboy and fishboy. How difficult can this be? Isn't it enough that they clearly cast two men from opposite ends of the spectrum? Either you want to shop, or you want to fish. Pick one, I guarantee your life will not end if you pick wrong, though your hopes for a Playboy shoot might lessen a tiny bit. More of the men saying anything to convince the women to choose them, though Byron screws up and says that marriage should be banned until one is over 30 (I agree), but if you're 40 and not married something is wrong (disagree). The younger women dispute this, and the odds shift to Jay's side. Byron talks his way around questions better than Dubya or Johnny. Jay, when faced with a question, looks like a deer trapped in headlights. The men leave so the women can have time to lacquer their faces and hair before the Ladie's Choice Rose Ceremony.

Krysta starts a campaign for Jay with the "older" women, as the "younger" group focuses on Byron. Time for the rose ceremony. host Chris takes us through the voting process, which I think we should use in the upcoming elections. The women will either put a white rose (Byron) or a yellow rose (Jay) in a box, the men are unable to see who votes for whom.

The counting of the roses is gruelingly drawn out and seems neverending, kind of like this hurricane season. Jay is in the lead after 6 votes, but Byron quickly catches up. One more white rose and Byron wins. In what seems like super slow motion, Chris pulls out a white rose, and Jay is sent home.

The next morning, Byron swims and works out while back at the hizzouse the women talk about great of a choice they made, even though some of them voted for Jay. Hmmmmmm. Now the Jay-voters are worried that they might not get a rose from the man they didn't vote for because they didn't vote for him. Got that? Krysta holds a conference by the pool and makes fun of Christie looking older. Pot, meet kettle. Krysta is *almost* as delusional as Sarah from "The Real World", as she states she thinks she "stacks up well" to the competition. You go on believing that, hon, and some peeps will be along shortly to fit you for a nice white jacket with lots of straps.

The women have a cocktail party and play pool. One of the women "jokingly" calls Krysta a ##### (my thoughts exactly) and Krysta "playfully" slaps her. I'm hoping a catfight ensues in which Krysta's smirk is wiped off her face, but Byron arrives and the women trip over themselves to work whatever it is they have. They have no chance aganst Krysta, though, who pulls Byron aside and uses her mind melding powers on him: "We will continue this journey together, dammit, come hell or high water, whether we love each other or not, this is about getting the guy and you will give me a rose tonight!"

Andrea, watching Byron talk with other women from a distance, is overwhelmed with love and emotion and begins to cry. Red flag. "He will be mine. Oh yes, he will be mine", as she picks her nails down to the quick. Amy echoes my feelings as she questions how Andrea can be feeling this guy enough to cry. Amy will be gone soon, remember, the smart die young in reality tv world.

Byron realizes as rose ceremony time gets closer that he is getting drunker and better spend more one on one time with the women because he'll be plastered by decision time. Well that's my analysis anyways. Krysta spews more crap then puts on her good act for Byron with the same girls she was dissing earlier. Andrea finally gets alone time with Byron, and this is almost painful to watch, if it wasn't so amusing. She makes some analogy with strawberries they feed to each other. The girls get drunker and Jay is happy that they are revealing more about themselves. He's also happy about getting to know more about them too.

Time for The Rose Ceremony. 25 women, 15 roses. 7 of those women didn't vote for Byron, but he is not letting that affect his decision. It's all Jack Daniels from here out.

Cheresse gets a rose.
Wendy gets a rose.
Tanya gets a rose.
Leina gets a rose.
Kelly gets a rose.
Jayne gets a rose.

Dang, they really LOVE to draw these things out. I'm so over the 2 minute dramatic pauses between votes. And Byron does this creepy thing where he is looking in different directions then quickly focuses on the women when he says her name. If you're watching, God bless your heart, you know what I'm talking about.

Natalie gets a rose.
Elizabeth gets a rose.
Krysta gets a rose.
Amanda gets a rose and a wolf howls.
Kristie gets a rose.
Susie gets a rose and the dog barks.
Cynthia gets a rose.
Ashley gets a rose.

Chris announces the final rose, like we can't count or have fallen asleep or something...

Andread gets the final rose.

Tears abound and hearts are broken among the rejected, even the smart ones. Byron and his 15 chosen share a toast.

This season on "The Bachelor": You've already seen it by now. ;)

An IceCat/Mon Cherie Production
Apologies if humor does not abound, summary was done in haste.