THE GHOST OF KIMMI or

KIMMI’S SUCH A WHORE SHE EVEN MANAGED TO SCREW THE GAY GUY or

KIMMI: THE SMELL THAT LASTS AND LASTS AND LASTS

Alright fellow Survivor fans, here we go again. It’s Thursday night so it’s time to warm up the TV, grab your “Go Kucha!” banners, t-shirts and limited edition wind socks...crank “Eye of the Tiger” on your stereo and settle in for a prime-time serving of Manifest Destiny as America’s tribe, the beloved KuchaKids begin what is sure to be a 5 week carnage of the “lucky to be here” universally despised Ogawhores. Don’t worry kids, we are just a brief one hour away from seeing Scerri slither her skank ass back to the casting couch....I can hardly wait!

Previously on.........................SURVIVOR..............

The KuchaKids continued their Challenge domination over the Ogawhore LA Clippers as “Oh my God he does have a name” Nick led his tribe to victory in the Blind Leading the Blind Reward Challenge. Lamber cried and the Colbster gave Scerri the proverbial cold shower as dissension rattled the Ogawhores in the wake of mounting losses. Vermin continued to revel in Ogawhore’s suffering and Scerri conceded Kucha’s dominance “The other tribe will probably just pick us off one by one.”

BUT, one day before the Immunity Challenge the unthinkable happened......Mark Burn-it tossed an unsuspecting Psyhco-Michael from a 4th story window at the Book Depository into the campfire after Mike stumbled upon the sound stage where 30 years earlier, MB had expertly filmed the 1969 “moon landing”. Psycho-Michael was then mysteriously removed from the game, but not before he was able to deliver a drug-induced “win one for the Gipper” speech to the rest of the KuchaKids. The news was delivered to the Ogawhores who we’re so distraught by the news that they stayed up all night laughing and giggling, dancing naked under the stars and finally, having an orgy reminiscent of 14th century druids.

And now we move into the merge and hopefully a departure from what has been a particularly boring and sluggish Act I of.................SURVIVOR.

NIGHT 18

KuchaKids.........

The KuchaKids are sitting around the fire talking about the obvious, that being how ridiculously lucky the Ogawhores are to be entering the merge even at 5-5. Said Chocolat Chyna, “they were about to be voted off one by one and they know it.” Then the obligatory shot of Vermin hiding out by his tree talking about the merge...”We’ve talked about strategy ever since Mike got hurt b/c the last thing that he said to us was that someone from Kucha has to win this money. We need to eat them up and spit them out.” Oh yeah, I’m with you Vermin. With Burn-it’s propensity for foreshadowing we just know it is gonna be a slaughter tonight, America and Jesus won’t have it any other way and Ogawhore is going down down down....woah there, Lizliz must’ve grabbed my keyboard for a second.

Nick (wow that feels weird to actually type) has this to say about strategy to the group, “That first vote we have to do something to get an advantage.” Gee really, did you really need a Harvard Law School education to come up with that brilliant pearl of wisdom. You know, I liked it better when this guy wasn’t on the show, which in case you’re scoring at home was episodes #1 through five minutes ago. And then out of left field, the first chink in the KuchaKids armor starts to show as the tribe started to talk about voting order for the upcoming tribal councils...”If I had to vote right now, I’d vote Colby and then Jerri next.” said Lizliz. NO STUPID, haven’t you been following along on the spoiler boards all week, you need to vote off whoever has the most previous votes cause it’s obviously gonna be a 5-5 tie. Well, it’s just Lizliz talking, so I’m sure the rest of them will figure it out before the next Tribal Council, right? And then Chyna said that Scerri should be the first person voted off, but I couldn’t hear anything after that over the roar of millions of Americans screaming in appreciation for her comment.

Chyna and Nick both state that they will be the most likely target for the next Tribal Council since they are the two strongest. Lizliz thinks that she is the one and I shout at the TV, “Who are you kidding, the other tribe probably doesn’t even know you’re there.” And then Vermin, the brains of the operation lets us in on the reason why he will definitely be the first to go from Kucha...”Kimmi on the first reward challenge opened her big mouth and told Ogawhore that Debb had voted for me.” Jeff then explains in an interview that the previous votes DO carry over into the next round of Tribal Councils. Nick then chimes in, “Do you think they remember that cause I totally forgot about that.” Hmmmm, I wonder if Mr. Harvard Law made sure they remembered that just to make sure his ass wasn’t the one getting voted off...oh sh!t, that’s kind of a spoiler so forget what I just said.

Now let’s check in with those losers in Ogawhore...

The Colbster explains that they still don’t know who was hurt from Kucha and to what extent. The tribe starts to speculate about who might’ve been hurt as Scerri beats on her bongo while Lamber lays faithfully at her side as the two scream out their speculation.....

Scerri: Rodger had a stroke!
Lamber: Michael cut himself with a knife!
Scerri: Jeff tripped and fell coming out of the closet and broke his foot!
Lamber: I LOVE meatball subs!

Lamber goes to fetch the tree-mail which is only shocking b/c Scerri is not at her side, or should I say, walking 3 steps ahead of her whistling, snapping her fingers and saying “C’mon Lamber, that’s a good girl...now heel.” Lamber reads the mail which is titled “Boys Night Out”....it turns out that the men of Ogawhore get to go to the Kucha Kamp for a hot meal and a chance to scout out the other tribes ho’s. The Colbster, remembering his days of scamming on passed out 18 year olds as a 6th year senior at Texas Tech, gets ready to turn on the charm...”I better go iron a shirt.” he says with a laugh which causes Scerri to run over and lifts her leg to pee all over the Colbster in an attempt to mark him with her scent.

KKK and the Colbster take a bath together and talk about their exciting night on the town. Benedict Tina explains the real importance of tonight’s dinner, “It’s important for us to get info right now about who’s had votes cast against them cause it’s probably gonna come down to a tie breaker.” The Colbster lets everyone know that “we have to be totally silent about who’s got votes in our tribe.” Scerri agrees, “we do have a lot at stake, if we slip anything out regarding the voting situation we’re done.” Hold on, let me turn on the Scerri-Decoder and run that sentence through...this should only take a minute..okay, here we go...”Please don’t tell them that I have 2 votes or else I’m completely fuccked.”

Back to Kucha.....

KuchaKids get the same tree-mail only in their version it is the girls who get the night out. Of course, as we’re slowly but surely finding out, our beloved KcuhaKids ain’t that bright and they misinterpret this to mean that the girls from Ogawhore are coming to their camp instead of the men. Said Vermin, “Their chicks are coming to us and we’re entertaining them and swooning them and trying to convince them that this is the place to live, especially now that we had that guard rail installed around the fire. Said Nick, “I think we have a really nice camp and no one wants to move to a new camp where things would be kind of strange.” Well duh, you don’t want to move cause you’ve somehow amassed more furniture than an IKEA store....in fact, you’re probably gonna have to rent a U-Haul.

Vermin rubs it in to Lizliz and Chocolat that the Ogawhore girls are gonna be eating much better than they are as he lays out a menu of chicken, Duh-ree-toes and 85 degrees Mountain Dew. The girls get upset as Nick explains that the guys are gonna have to “woo the Ogawhore girls”. “Woo woo woo, woo them” pouts Lizlizlizliz and Chyna says “I don’t like you guys anymore.”

Lizliz and Chocolat start the hike to the Ogawhore camp as KKK and the Colbster begin the opposite journey. As Lizliz and Chocolat arrive at the Ogawhore camp they are greeted by Benedict Tina who gives them both a hug as she tries to feel around for the softest region of their back’s. The girls sit in the tent as Lizliz and Chyna explain the “accident” to Psycho-Michael. Scerri, the aspiring actress that she is, even manages to get her eyes to water up a little. Scerri, in an interview, explains that when they heard the news the night before they didn’t know whether to celebrate or simply party like its 1999. BT explains that with the accident and the 5-5 merge, “It’s a tie game and we’re going into overtime.” And we’re going into commercials ourselves.

Back from commercials the Kucha men are shocked to see the men of Ogawhore instead of the women. “We we’re expecting the women from your tribe to come over here,” says an obviously unhappy Kentucky Joe. The Colbster replies, “Rodger I’m really sorry bro, I didn’t even bring a skirt so there’s nothing I can do for you.” Vermin, on the other hand, did bring a skirt and lights up like a Christmas tree (not that there’s anything wrong with that) at the prospect of spending some quality time with the Colbster, “All I saw from Colby we’re teeth and biceps and hulking muscles and bulging pecs and oh my god, I think I’ll go visit my tree for a few minutes.”

KKK lights up and finally talks when he hears that the menu includes chicken...”We can cover that in bark and slow roast it,” he says as I’m thinking, shut up you can’t even cook rice and now you think you’re Kenny Rodgers Roasters...give me a break. The chicken is cooked and the men sit around in tight circle and take a bite, pass it on with the 4 pieces of chicken....if you want a better visual try and remember that scene from “Quest For Fire”, where instead of passing chicken they passed Rae Dawn Chong around the campfire...and instead of eating, well, uhmmm, you know the rest.

Over at Ogawhore, Scerri manages to somehow pick a fight with KKK even though he’s not even there. Seems KKK “accidentally” brought all of Ogawhore’s matches with him to Kucha and now that it’s starting to rain, Ogawhore is in danger of losing it’s fire and the opportunity to impress the Kucha girls with a 5 star meal of rice and, well, rice. Scerri does the best job that can be expected of a 5th rate actress in concealing her true feelings for KKK in front of Lizliz and Chocolat, “He doesn’t realize it, I’m sure” she says with a barely concealed look of hatred in her eyes as she bites down on her lower lip. BT says in an interview that obviously KKK didn’t take the matches on purpose and it would be in Ogawhore’s best interest for Scerri to just keep her mouth shut about the whole thing...but, we all know what a tall order that is.

“Scerri’s a good cook” says BT to the Kucha girls as we see a shot of Scerri tending to what appears to be a tortilla, but it’s hard to tell cause the things got more “useable holes” than all my blow-up dolls put together. As Scerri tries to cover the burnt spots of the tortilla with tomatoes, Chocolat informs BT and Lamber that the Ogawhore men are eating chicken right about now. BT groans and Lamber’s draw drops to the ground as she blurts out, “Oh my god I LOVE meatball subs.”

After dinner, the girls sit around and talk about what else, food. “I would love a hot dog” say Scerri....I bet you would. Chocolat asks them what their favorite kind of food is...Scerri shouts out “hot fudge” which we all know what that really means by now. BT says, “how about Dove Chocolate?” Everyone groans in appreciation and someone, and I’m not sure who cause I turned away from the TV for a second, blurts out “oh my god I LOVE meatball subs.” Later in the night, Chocolat asks the other girls if they’ve ever had vanilla Tootsie Rolls. Scerri screams out, “Vanilla, I’ve never had a vanilla Tootsie Roll!” Who are you kidding Scerri??? You’ve had more vanilla Tootsie Rolls (wink wink) than America’s had school shootings...don’t try playing Ms. Innocent now. The conversation is so boring that I find myself drifting off and wondering if the girls have been together long enough for their menstrual cycles to start synchronizing......and then I snap out of it just as the sun is rising on yet another beautiful morning in Studio City, California, errrr, I mean Australia.

Scerri and Lamber are comparing the differences between the Kucha Kamp and the Ogawhore camp which is kind of like comparing “Tara” to the apartment from “Good Times”. Said Scerri, “they have firewood, they have a kitchen, they have all these wonderful things and we have nothing except the god damned State flag of Texas and two sticks.” Well, maybe if you got off your ass in week #1 and did some work instead of sitting around playing “Clue: The Survivor Edition” (its Kel, in the bushes, with a fist full of jerky and a candlestick), you’d actually have a real campsite instead of what appears to be half of a giant kite.

The next morning BT fetches a tree-mail which informs the girls that they have five minutes to dismantle the Ogawhore camp and bring everything to a new location shown to them on a map....5 minutes?? How long does it take to rip down a flag?? Scerri brilliantly surmises that, based on the fact that the map points to a brand new location, “maybe we’re gonna have a whole new camp.” Wow, with such brilliant deductive reasoning skills its no wonder she cracked the “Kel Case” so quickly.

On the other side of the sound stage, the men have the much tougher job of dismantling Le Hotel Kucha. Nick gets to work on removing the newly installed sneeze guard at the salad bar as the Colbster and KKK help take apart the shelter.

A scant two hours later the men and women are reunited at their new campsite where they are greeted by a mysterious box crate. “I think there might be food in there,” says Vermin as the rest of the media=whores gather around to open the box. A note on the box informs the newly formed tribe that they must come up with a new tribe name. The crate is opened to reveal platters of fruit, cheese and crackers and a couple bottles of wine. Lizliz predicably screams out, “A toast a toast a toast” as the rest of the girls just scream annoyingly as each platter of food is removed. The next scene is equally awful to anything you’ve seen on “Wild Discovery” when the pack of Hyenas descend on the fallen Zebra in a mass feeding frenzy...as the Survivor’s turn their back on 6000 years of civilization and rip apart the contents of the crate, growling and showing their teeth as they protect each mouthful. The Colbster and Nick look noticeably upset at the lack of order, “We open the box and people start diving their hands in which pissed me off cause I’m thinking let’s at least make sure we each get equal amounts.” Sorry Nick, but thinking was probably a mistake with this group, maybe you ought to save that sh!t for your discussions back home on negative easements and promissory estoppel. (sorry, had to throw a little law-talk in there just to remind myself what I actually do for a living when I’m not wasting all my time writing these summaries).

As the table is set for the feast we hear Tina say, “I’ve never had wine in my life”, which answers the long debated question of “Name the only girl from Tennessee who actually remembers getting laid at prom?” As new tribe sits around in a circle eating and drinking, Lamber blurts out b/w mouthfuls of dates and crackers, “this is so great, I LOVE meatball subs.” In an interview we see that Vermin has managed to replace his favorite tree with 2 trees, and now he doesn’t sit in front of them anymore, no, now he actually hides behind them during his interviews, “they seem to be very nice and then I saw KKK and Scerri walk off and start whispering and then I saw KKK and the Colbster walk off and they were pointing at us and whispering and they were like she’s gonna go first and he’s gonna go second. We weren’t together 15 minutes and it’s already started.” What the hell happened to you Vermin???? That’s what you’re supposed to be doing as well, that’s the whole point of this damn game and up until 10 minutes ago, no one seemed to realize that more than you...and now look at you, crying b/c the other team won’t play nice! As my “GO KUCHA” banner falls limply out of my hands I start to get a baaaaaad feeling about this episode.

DAY 21

The new tribe is looking for a place to put their shelter as Kentucy Joe and Nick check the high ground for a suitable location. Of course any decision not made by Scerri is a bad decision so she gets her 2 cents in as usual, “Like, what’s the purpose of putting it up here? You know what, I’ll just express my opinion right now (no really) but I think you all suck and we should put the shelter over on the beach in the soft ground where it’s almost impossible to build anything and you run the risk of water exposure from the river and the high ground.” BT and the Colbster look away and brace for yet another Scerri outburst, but Kentucky Joe is too much of a pushover and let’s Scerri have her way. B!tch! Said the Colbster, “sometimes you run into a situation where there’s too many chiefs and not enough indians so I’m just gonna sit back and not ruffle any feathers.” Of course, by saying that he just “ruffled the feathers” of 1000's of Native Americans who will soon be camped outside his front door in protest.

As the shelter is being constructed the next order of business is coming up wit a tribe name. The whores settle on the name Bare-a-midriff in honor of the fact that the only reason any of these clowns got picked for this show is because they look good in a bathing suit.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Jiffy Probe greets the Bare-a-midriff tribe at the river for the first post merge immunity challenge. This one is gonna suck as the survivors each have to swim out to their own respective totem pole and then stand on the thing until there is only one person left. Unlike the same exact challenge that was used in the first series, there is no removal of boards or rising tide and waves to deal with so JP assures them that this one is gonna take awhile. Scerri immediately starts her annoying tactics by suggesting that people stare up at the sun..Kentucky Joe, having learned his lesson from the shelter fiasco politely declines.

An hour and a half into the contest, Vermin suggests that they try and alphabetize the 50 states. Nick, knowing that the alphabet was his worst section on the LSAT, doesn’t want to be embarrassed any further on national TV and jumps into the water. An hour later the Colbster joins him with a front flip into the water. In an interview the Colbster reveals that his strategy is, “to make the Kucha Kids mad to convince them that I’m the man to vote for. If I can draw some attention away from KKK and Scerri who both have several votes for them. We need one of those two to win immunity and the other to be camouflaged.”

At the 4 hour mark, JP starts to torture the remaining contestants with bribes of food. Wading out into the water with a tray of apple slices and peanut butter, the tribe responds accordingly...”It’s not peanut butter and apples, is it?” says Lizliz who continues while plugging her ears with her hands, “you guys shut up. Is it Skippy?” Well, someone sure is angling for an endorsement deal, that’s for sure. JP tortures them further by letting Nick and the Colbster eat some right in front of them. That’s enough for Rodger who jumps in to join in the snacking. Now, we all know that Vermin is the only person from Kucha with any previous votes so he NEEDS to stay up there as long as possible, so there’s no way he’s gonna risk a shot at the million just for a scoop of peanut butter, right?? Well, The Colbster does his best to torture Vermin, “That one scoop of peanut butter was better than all of the wine and cheese put together. C’mon over to the dark side, Jeff.” Lamber tries to explain the situation to Vermin which is kind of like having Corky from the TV show “Life Goes On” try and teach you physics. “If you don’t think you can out-stand us, then you might as well jump in so you can get some peanut butter.” “Not if you’re gonna vote me off,” says Vermin, who then jumps in anyway. For those of you that are a little slow, let’s recap what just happened....Vermin just gave away a chance at $1,000,000.00 for a lousy scoop of peanut butter. I don’t even need to really comment on that because it basically speaks for itself.

At the 7 hour mark JP shows up with ice cream, hot chocolate and chocolate sauce. Scerri, realizing that this is about as close to sex as she is gonna get on this show jumps in even before JP is finished with the sentence. And in what has to be the most predictable moment in television history Lamber follows Scerri into the water not 2 seconds later. I’m really starting to think that there is a leash around her neck and Burn-it just airbrushed it out. Anyway, Scerri and Lamber finally get to have sex as we are treated to a shot of Lamber getting the “money shot” all over her hands, which she promptly licked clean.

8 hours and 23 minutes later, JP returns to light a campfire as darkness descends on the contest. Chyna, Lizliz, BT and KKK are still standing. Lizliz hints to JP that a boat ride home might be enough to get her to give up and JP shows up in rowboat about a half hour later. Lizliz hops in and we are left with 3 left. After nearly 11 hours on the logs, Chocolat is finally ready to give up. KKK turns to Bt and tells her, “Hey Tina I need it,” realizing that he has 3 prior votes whereas BT has zero. For the good of Ogawhore’s chances, BT gives up and lets KKK have the much needed victory. 11 hours that guy stood on that damn log and how about BT, she stood up there that long and she didn’t even need to. On the other hand we have Vermin, who quit on his team for a lousy scoop of peanut butter.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

After the IC the tribe goes straight to tribal council for what promises to be a 5-5 tie. Now, we know that Ogawhore is gonna vote for Vermin based on the info they received from Big Mouth Kimmi, but what we don’t know is what the Kucha Kids are gonna do. They wanted to vote for KKK, but we all know that isn’t an option. Scerri is the only other person with votes in Ogawhore so the only chance Kucha has is if they vote for her. Well, this should be a no-brainer since how hard can it really be to figure out that the queen b!tch most likely picked up a vote or two based on her behavior. The pre-vote is filled with idiotic comments from Kucha led by Chyna saying that her quitting in the challenge was not going to have any bearing on tonight’s vote. Now, I’m starting to get worried.

During the vote we finally see what we all feared was gonna happen as Kentucky Joe reveals just how truly stupid the Kucha Kids are by voting for the one guy who you would figure had ZERO votes against him, the Colbster. A smug Vermin copies his vote with these sentiments, “Cause everything’s bigger and better in Texas, this Lone Star’s got to go.”

JP totals the vote and comes up with the obvious 5-5 tie between Vermin and the Colbster. After a long pointless re-vote (insert Florida joke here) we have yet another tie, duh. Previous votes are the final tie breaker and since the Colbster has zero previous votes and Vermin has two, we say goodbye to one of our favorite, yet stupid characters from this year’s Survivor, Mr. Vermin...don’t let the catwalk hit you in the ass on the way out.

In his final words Vermin reveals the answer to the age old riddle, “Name the only continent where it is impossible to escape the loud annoying voice of Kimmi no matter where you stand?” and the answer is obviously Australia as Vermin reveals that it was Kimmi’s big mouth way back in Episode #2 that did him in....of course one might argue that the utter stupidity and total lack of observational skills by the entire Kucha tribe had something to do with it.

Previews for next week are the same as they always are....a whole bunch of sound bites that make us think that Sceri is getting tossed, but I think we all know better by now. Say goodbye to another Kucha member next week, and the week after that, and so on and so on....and after tonight’s disgusting performance I say “Good riddance!”