Previously on Big Bother III:

* 12 Hamsters moved into the House
* Lisa nominated Marci and Psycho Lori for eviction
* Amy ate a bunch of cheese
* Gerry didn’t wash his hands and discovered his purpose in life was to save gay black men by nominating the Southern Belle in place of Marci.

Tonight: Watch Julie Chen screw up live television yet again on an episode we like to call

I’m Blind, I’m Deaf, and I’m Stupid: The Return of Julie Chen

Our first sight is AAAAAHHHHH. It’s America’s Worst Reality Hostess of 2001, Julie Chen, working hard on a repeat. She’s reading cue cards, although not very well and turning her head at the wrong time. She tells us that the hamsters are suddenly in turmoil. Julie dear, if you actually watched the show you’d know they’ve been in turmoil since they first moved in and could only find 2 of the 3 bedrooms. But I guess that’s not in your contract.

Now we flash to Gerry Luther King still feeling so proud of his salvation of Marci and discovering his purpose in life. He tells Marci and Psycho Lori he feels very manly. Psycho Lori responds “Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.” I’m not making that up, it’s really what she said. Marci says that the house is dividing into “Touched By an Angel” vs. “Baywatch.” Great Marci you’ve just reminded everybody watching of two other shows on right now that would be both more interesting and more spiritually edifying to watch than this one.

Now we get a recap of the changing members of 1 Beer short of a Six Pack. We’ve seen all this before. Amy got replaced by Roddy. Now that Gerry is out, Cheap Beer decides to replace him with Chesty, the only hamster with bigger boobs. Lisa thinks this is good because it evens up girls and guys. Of course, the girls and guys are each now plotting an end game strategy when there are 6 or seven left. I find this rather amusing since the chances that more than 2 of the members of Cheap Beer making the Final 6 are about as remote as the chances of Marci and The Virgin Jason sleeping together before the show ends.

Meanwhile, The Virgin Jason and Invisibelle decide to lay low and hope the others knock each other out. Hey, people with an actual strategy. What is this, Survivor? Get these people out immediately and bring in some airhead replacements, please!

Psycho Lori thinks Miss Cheese is strategizing to stay in the game. Miss Cheese isn’t too worried about alliances, but she is trying to stay. Josh tries to convince Chesty that Psycho Lori is more easily controlled than Amy and she should vote out Amy. Stupid as Chesty is, even she isn’t convinced by King Josh’s plan.

Ooh, now Julie Chen gives us a live look at the Hamsters!

Julie: Hi everyone!

Hamsters: Hi Julie!

Julie: What? Did you say something? Sorry, I’m deaf and I can't even read lips. I’ll just read my cue cards and hope things work out fine.

Hamsters: <Look dumb and confused>

Julie: This week you were introduced to an awesome new power…the Power of Veto. Danielle, since you are totally irrelevant, weren’t nominated, weren’t the Head of Household, and didn’t win the Power of Veto, anything you’d like to say.

Danielle: Julie Chen, you are a sick, wrong woman. Please leave me alone.

Julie: Marci, did you like the veto?

Marci: <French Kisses Gerry> I wanted to stay so much. Thank you so much. I’d like to thank the Academy, everyone who voted for me, my family, my wardrobe consultant, and all the little people I’ve forgotten along the way.

Julie, scared by this unscripted outburst, nervously moves to her next cue card and woodenly asks Gerry Luther King “If you could change one thing that you did in the last week, like vetoing Marci, what would it be?”

Gerry: I would avoid having to answer your stupid inane questions. Do you have no clue how to interact with people?

Julie now asks Jason if his vote was based on a greedy desire to keep earning $1500 a week by keeping Psycho Lori in the house. Gee, Julie those tough probing questions are filling me with insight into the inner workings of these people. What’s next, “Amy would you prefer to stay in the house or have me pelt you with questions I read off of cue cards?”

Julie now allows the two nominees to show just how much stress they are under.

Amy: I thank you for naming me Miss Tennessee. I long for world peace. I love you all.

Psycho Lori: I’m on an adventure!

Julie now reminds herself that nine of the hamsters will be voting on whether to evict Amy or Lori and we will see three votes cast now. To create suspense, Big Bother has dubbed over all of the votes so that the nominees give either one of two speeches.

Speech A} Amy is an evil wench who eats cheese. Lori is a sweet wonderful woman. I vote to evict Lori.

Speech B) Lori is crazy and if she stays in the house any longer she’s liable to hurt herself. Amy is just a sweet, funny girl who I love hanging out with. I vote to evict Amy.

I’m assuming this was done because all of the hamsters actually voted to evict Julie Chen as host but Big Bother won’t stand for that. That, at least would have been my vote.

Anyway, Gerry Luther King votes to evict Amy because she is “less useful to him.” Invisibelle votes to evict Amy even though Lori is “cuckoo for cocoa puffs.” And Chesty votes to evict Psycho Lori despite their instant connection in the house.

Time for some filler watching the loved ones of Marci, Psycho Lori, and Cheese Girl react to their nominations. Marci apparently has no family dumb enough to sign a waiver, so so woman named Lorraine who claims to be his roommate says she loves him anyway. This despite the fact that the producers order her (in the most forced scene of the night not involving Julie Chen) to shout “Yes, Marcellas! Yes!” after a clip of Gerry’s veto. I guess she has big plans for the crib this weekend.

Lori’s mother Myrna loves her even though she’s a crybaby. Moms are funny like that. Myrna says that before Lori went away to the mental ward she was a funny, happy child. Then we have to watch Lori’s poor children read cue cards urging their mother on. At least they can read, I’m not sure Eric and Chiara are even up to that yet. We then get to watch Lori’s son shooting a gun. I hope King Josh never accidentally sets foot in Wisconsin as he’s liable to be shot on the spot.

Amy’s parents, “Fay” and “Taylor” (I’m assuming they declined to use their real names) dust her majorette trophies, agree that she is a snob, and disapprove of her drinking and carrying on. Way to support your kid. She also has some yippy dog over which are dubbed ferocious sound effects from some wild beast. Man this show is terrible.

Now we watch 3 more votes.
Eric: Speech A.
Chiara: Speech A.
Jason: It hurts me to have Lori here because she reminds others that I’m making money. I am in love with Amy. Because this threatens my virginity, I vote to evict Amy.
Ooh a 3-3 tie. The suspense would kill me if Julie Chen hadn’t already.

Back from commercial Julie Chen tells me that “Eviction night is always filled with tension and suspense.” Actually it’s filled with you reading cue cards and a bunch of filler Julie, but thanks for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you

Speaking of filler we are now subjected to a “Where Are They Now?” Feature from Big Bother 2. I know you don't care, but it is my duty to summarize the show. If you don't like it, blame AyaK.

Nicole: I work the weekend graveyard shift at a really bad Atlanta radio station. But at least my husband didn’t leave me! I don’t speak to anyone in the house except Hardy.

Hardy: I moved back to my old life in Miami. I couldn’t get any modeling or commercial work except for one gig with Shannon making fun of her putting my toothbrush in the toilet. I’m still phenomenally good looking, but I don’t have a girlfriend.

Autumn: I’m the lead singer in a terrible band. I don’t have a record deal. Because of the show, I got an eating disorder!

Kent: I quit smoking! I'm a total media whore and I miss my fame so much, that Sheryl, Bunky, Autumn and I are going on a cruise to meet some fans in November!

Julie Chen: Wasn’t that heartwarming? Let’s interview Lisa. Lisa, how was it being HOH?

Lisa: I felt pushed aside back in my own room. But after a while I started sleeping with Eric and I let Josh make all my decisions and Chiapet and Chesty are skanky like me, so I guess it was just great really.

Julie: Who would you NOT like to see as the next Head of Household?

Lisa: Well, you because you ask stupid questions. And also King Josh. He’s much better behind the scenes.

Julie now reveals two more votes.
Marcellas: Amy is my best friend in the house. Thanks for sacrificing yourself Lori, but bye.
Josh: I swore on my love of my girlfriend that I would not vote Lori out. That doesn’t mean a thing to me, but Amy is an obnoxious little whack job, so I vote to evict Amy anyway.

Ooh, we’re tied at 4-4. How will Roddy vote?

Actually there is no person named “Roddy” on Big Bother 3, and the producers are really just doubling shots of Eric. Because we already know how Eric voted the whole “suspense” is gone and we know Psycho Lori is out the door, as Julie announces to the Hamsters.
Julie then forgets to turn off her audio, so we get to hear her only unscripted lines of the night “Take my envelope please, Come in, come in.” Actually, maybe that was on a cue card too. It's so hard to tell with this creature.

Hugs all around as the houseguests are relieved to be rid of the psycho. Psycho Lori keeps repeating to herself “This is not a bad thing,” as if joining Scary Farrakhan Supporter and Knife-Wielding Thug as the first to be removed from the house is something to be proud of.

Lori then walks out of the house and wanders about while Julie tries desperately to coax her into the studio. We’ve gone from huge crowds greeting the houseguests in BB1 to family in BB2, and now we are down to just Julie Chen. Terrifying.

Julie: What is your reaction to finishing last?

Lori: I’m the same messed up freak I was before I went in the house.

Julie: Don’t you feel bad about being used a prop?

Lori: I thought the producers said I couldn't badmouth them or you.

Julie: Did anybody in the house disappoint you?

Lori: Things don’t always happen the way you want them to. Everybody disappointed me. I hated them all.

Now we get clips of “Everybody saying nice things about Lori.” Apparently only The Virgin Jason, Gerry Luther King, Marci, and Danielle were willing to lie to the woman since only they appear. Psycho Lori starts crying and Julie awkwardly cuts to a commercial while doctors from Wisconsin take Psycho Lori back to her happy place.

At last on to the new HOH competition. Lisa can’t compete. The other ten all line up in a booth for a competition called “In the House.” Everybody has to then use props to indicate which room correctly answers the question. The ladle is the kitchen, the plunger is the bathroom, the Globe is the Globe Bedroom. You get the idea.

Question 1: Where do the geckos live? Everybody manages to correctly pick the Gecko Room. Man those hamsters are smart.

Question 2: Where in the house did Psycho Lori sleep? They all correctly get the Globe Room.

Question 3: Where were the nominations first revealed? The answer is the living room, but Josh, Roddy, and Danielle incorrectly say the kitchen. Julie, again reflecting either a misplaced cue card or a total lack of comprehension of the English language, announces that this was a trick question.

Question 4: Which room has cot beds in it? Eric decides he’s tired of playing the stupid game and picks the kitchen.

They all get Question 5, but Jason incorrectly thinks that people take showers in the living room on Question 6.

Question 7 is a stumper: Where are silver dragonflies? Only Amy and Marci correctly pick the ladle, but Julie tries to persuade CHO-ira that a plunger is “close enough to a ladle to let you keep playing.” After some puzzled stares, the producers quickly write out a new cue card for Julie while Chiapet shakes her head and moves to the sidelines. Julie apologizes for being “not only deaf and stupid, but also blind.”

Down to Amy and Marci, who are doing well in the game since both refuse to spend any time with the other hamsters and basically just stare at the furniture anyway. Eventually, Marci wins, meaning we have to put up with him for at least two more weeks. He jumps up and down like a giddy little girl and immediately starts casting evil eyes at King Josh.

Tune in next week to find out who Marci nominates other than King Josh and watch next Thursday to see Julie Chen screw up her cue cards yet again. In between, we promise plenty of shots of Tonya’s chest and Eric’s muscles.

Ice Cat, does my writing three horrendous summaries merit a sig pic yet?

To the rest of you, I hope you write humorous summaries because I'd rather spend 90 days locked in a house with the hamsters than ever subject myself to watching this drivel again.