Previously on Big Bother III:

Lisa nominated Psycho Lori and Mincing Marci and conspired with the other members of Cheap Beer (CHOira, Firefighter Eric, Eric Lookalike, King Josh, and Gerry Luther King) to get rid of Marci.

King Josh got to call the shots because he has the biggest ego in the house, but this made Gerry, who has the second biggest ego, mad.

Big Brother tried and failed to make the show interesting by awarding a Veto power. Gerry won.

Now it’s time for an episode we like to call

The Racist Who Didn’t Wash His Hands

Gerry is very excited to have won the veto power. He loves power.
King Josh, still wearing his fashionable Mike Boogie blue bandana (have you bought yours yet?) informs Lori that Gerry is likely to use his power to screw her over, so she needs to work on him.
Lisa, again not too quick in the upstairs department, thinks Gerry won’t switch things up. Neither does Chesty. Fortunately Lisa is doing just fine in the downstairs department and we get to watch her tan herself in her thong while Cheap Beer debates whether Gerry Luther King is going to break up their wonderful alliance, which has lasted all of two episodes.

Gerry Luther King now decides he doesn’t like beer because he’s not as beautiful as Firefighter Eric and tells Marci that the reason he agreed to vote against him had nothing to do with Marci’s “negative energy” or the fact that he acted like a complete jerk to everybody the first few days. Instead, it was solely because Marci is gay.
Marci, who is obviously much more of a game player than Gerry, could care less about this but is still hopeful that Gerry will use the veto to save him.
Meanwhile poor deluded Psycho Lori thinks Gerry might actually save her because she and Gerry are such close friends. Sure Psycho Lori. And your teenage kids aren’t embarrassed by what you’re doing. Got news for you. I was embarrassed by things my mother did when I was a teenager and she didn’t go on the lamest of lame reality shows.
Gerry is mad at himself for being “strategically outplayed.” I have no idea what he’s talking about. He’s acting like he nominated Marci and Lori for eviction although after reviewing the tape I’m quite convinced that Lisa was the one who actually did this. This stupid “alliance” is all talk. None of these people have had to so much as vote yet; when an alliance does nothing you can't say it has formed. This alliance is worse than the “Chick Alliance” of Survivor 3.

We are now treated to three totally random scenes of people moving around in fast forward. I mention this only because these are by far the most interesting scenes of the entire episode, mainly because none of the hamsters speak.

Meanwhile, Marci completely flips out in the diary room, bursting into tears, hitting the couch complaining that “I’m crazy. I’m sick. I’m a pawn.” (Obviously he’s been playing too much chess). He thinks he’s going to wake up dead. While that would obviously add an interesting dimension to the show (How do you wake up if you are already dead?), the fact that Justin is not a hamster this year makes me think such a scenario is a tad unlikely and that Marci is just being his usual dramatic queenie self.

Gerry and Josh now are talking. King Josh wants to continue to reign over the Cheap Beer Alliance because he knows it’s the only way he has a chance of finishing better than eleventh place. Gerry disagrees and says he wants to throw things in chaos. He then meticulously details his plan: He will use the facilities, refuse to wash his hands, and then make salad!

We now get the joy of watching Josh take up a new hobby. Bored of chess, he is given to smacking all the girl’s asses. (Chesty, Chiapet, Invisbelle, and Marci all get to experience the joy of Josh’s ever-loving hands. Yeah, Josh didn't Mel Gibson also decide that What Women Want isn’t love or affection, it’s a firm smack on the behind. Sigh. Where do they find these people?
Invisibelle and Marci get mad but Josh doesn’t care. Amy smacks Josh right back but isn’t very good at it. This is something that takes talent?

Anyway, on to the luxury competition. As with every competition that doesn’t involve water, they are forced to change into their bathing suits. I’m sure that as soon as the hamsters vote Gerry out, the producers will require the entire cast to wear their suits 24/7. Maybe then people would actually watch the live feeds.
The competition has two teams: because they are the two biggest losers on the show, Lori captains the Red team and Marci the Blue team.
Marci picks Lisa first, but then realizes that he shouldn’t pick the popular people because he’s not popular. Instead he picks Gerry and Miss Cheese USA. Of course, he also picks Eric and Chesty, while not picking King Josh, whom everybody despises, so 10 points to whoever can figure that one out. Miss Cheese USA whines about being on Marci’s team because Red is more her color.
On to the competition: Six items have disappeared from inside the house. The teams send one member at a time in to identify a missing item and write said item on the board. If incorrect, they must go back until they find a correct one. Everybody must find one item. First team to get all six wins a Hawaiian luau, complete with lobster, fruit, music and CHEESE (just for Amy). The losing team will be forced to watch.

I’ll spare you the boring details of the competition and give only the highlights
Jason for the red team goes third and can’t find a thing. As he admits in his own words “I don’t do very well with what’s around me.” Maybe that’s the real reason he’s still a virgin.
Meanwhile, the blue team gets five items pretty quickly (although it takes Firefighter Eric quite a while to figure out how to spell the word “picture.”) and sends Chesty in last. This is a big disadvantage for the Blue team since Chesty gets tired quickly from carrying around so much extra weight.
Finally Jason, after 14 hours, discovers that, get this, the Globe is missing from the “Globe Bedroom.” See these things are really tricky, so you can’t fault him too much.
Chiapet goes after Jason and quickly notices a missing oar on a wall. But like Firefighter Eric she only managed to pass spelling by sleeping with her 4th grade teacher (who owns the Empire State Building), so it takes her a long time to actually translate her discovery into a recognizable English word.
Josh wanders the house and spends more time slapping Tonya’s ass then looking for stuff, but he finally finds the Bathroom “Occupied” sign.
So that leaves Psyscho Lori as the last for Red and Chesty for Blue. These two spend days wandering through the house stumped while the live feeds remain down. In fact they do such a bad job that Big Brother finally declares both teams to be losers and cancels the luau.
Well that’s what should have happened, but instead the stupid producers relent and let other team members enter the house to search for stuff. Yes this is a violation of the rules but apparently we’ve now given up all pretense that these are either “game shows” or “reality shows.”
So Firefighter Eric goes in and finds the Occupied sign after a few minutes, winning the game.
Marci finds it “weirdly nice” to win. Or maybe he just said he was weird.

That night the winners (even Chesty!) get to eat lobster at the luau. Again you’d think they were starving Survivors not well-fed hamsters, but I guess living with Lori for a week would make anybody nuts. Eric, showing his lack of geography skills, is a little disappointed they didn’t actually get to go to Hawaii that night, but he “feels like he’s there.” Sure Fire Boy. It is at least funny to watch King Josh’s reactions to losing. This guy is going to be a trip when he gets voted out of the house. He toasts to “not having dinner with Amy and Gerry.” Then his former teammates lock him in the bathroom, eat a nice meal, and toast to “not having dinner with Josh.”

On to a feature on a new housemate—Rosie O’Donnell! Actually, it’s Invessibelle, but like Rosie, she sure thinks she’s funny, even if nobody else does. She starts doing impressions of Tina Turner and Halle Berry. Nice Invisibelle, but your Vee impression has been better. The Virgin Jason thinks that humor is important. Too bad nobody in the house is very funny. Invisibelle now does some cheesy imitations of the other hamsters, mostly using the cheap laughs we like to avoid here at SurvivorBlows. I think the main point of this bit is to do slow shots of the other hamsters, giving IceCat multiple shots of Tonya’s boobs. And for equal time, they also do a long pan shot of Eric jumping rope. How badly do you think Arnie is hoping for these two in the finals? Then Invisibelle eschews humor altogether and just starts telling us things we already know, such the fact that Gerry hasn’t got a clue, Amy likes “cheese and more cheese” and that King Josh is the “most unsexiest” man she has ever met, especially when he walks around in his shamrock underwear and Mike Boogie bandana. Got news for you Invisibelle, Josh is the “most unsexiest” man any of us have ever met. And no I haven’t forgotten Bunky. (Though for anybody still thinking about Tonya’s boobs, how about Bunky in Shamrock underwear and a Mike Boogie bandana?) Lori claims that Danielle is her “medicine.” No, Lori medicine is what the nice people at the state hospital give you to drink. It’s high time why got you back there so you can have some more of it. Danielle is a boring, unfunny hamster just like the rest of you.

Now we get a Will-sized whopper from Marci, who claims not only to have been engaged to a woman but (stop your ears The Virgin Jason) also to have had sex with one. I would be more willing to believe this if it weren’t for the fact that Marci gathers all the women (except Amy, who was too busy eating cheese) around him and tells this sweet touching romantic story about how they met and just how much he loved her. All the women instantly swoon over Marci, exclaiming that they would sooner die than vote this sweet, sweet man out of the house. Lisa in particular is so impressed with Marci that she exclaims “There are nice guys out there!!” Careful Lisa or while you’re not looking Mr. Nice Guy Marci is likely to steal away your firefighter…. Afterwards, Marci admits that he was strategizing.

Now the Huge Incident that you knew would dominate the show: NOT WASHING YOUR HANDS.
While Danielle is showering, Gerry Luther King begins his devious strategy. He exits the bathroom, bypasses the sink and runs to the kitchen to toss a yummy delicious Caesar salad for all his “friends” in the house. This grosses out Chesty, who has few rules in life (especially since she is currently letting King Josh lie in her lap), but apparently one of them is “Don’t eat other people’s urine.”

The women then convene in the living room to b!tch about Gerry behind his back. Eventually, others join in the family meeting The vote is unanimous that people should wash their hands until Psycho Lori joins in and takes an adamant stance against handwashing. Her argument seems to be that people like Lori and Gerry are so old and have so much disgusting stuff on their hands that washing them won’t do any good anyway, so why bother?

This leads to a huge confrontation in which both Danielle and Psycho Lori pretty much flip out. Eventually, Danielle calls Gerry into the room, and tells him to wash his hands. Gerry, not wanting the matter to upstage the “impending drama” of his Veto, amiably agrees. So much for that. Danielle and Psycho Lori now have a major Dynasty-style catfight until Choira and Chesty, desparate for attention, decide to strip down in the shower and make each other shaving cream bikinis for the amusement of King Josh, Firefighter Eric, and that Guy who looks like Eric, Invisiboy (wow I didn’t realize he was even still on the show!)

Yes, it’s time for the shaving cream bikinis scene. Although Big Bother, rather than just admitting it is trying to show these scenes in a cheap attempt to boost ratings has to get all preachy on us and use at as an excuse to discuss the serious issue of Miss Cheese USA not “fitting in” with the beautiful people because she won’t join in the festivities. This even gives the producers an excuse to show the scene a second time in, get this, black and white. Big Bother: Continuing the Grand CBS Tradition of Tackling Serious Issues. I heard there’s a rumor they might change the title of the show to 60 Minutes III.

Miss Cheese USA is apparently traumatized by seeing Chiapet in only shaving cream and shares her distaste with Psycho Lori. Lori, still off her meds, starts talking about “shaking it” and going back to the “power circle.” Maybe if you’re lucky Psycho Lori the power circle will come and take you back to your planet.

Now we get to watch Gerry Luther King talk to Marci about how happy he is to have a black brother-in-law and 2 black nephews. He feels bad for not recognizing who Marcellas was and for even suggesting voting out a gay black man first. Um, Gerry you didn’t recognize Marci was a gay black man that first night? I think even Psycho Lori managed to pick up on that.
Gerry now starts talking about the reason he was put on earth and decides that it was to save Marci.

I’d just like to take this moment to point out how wonderful it is that the Lord is using reality TV shows to fulfill his purpose in the world. First, Vee learned that her purpose in life was to backstab Kathy, and now Gerry has been sent to earth solely to help a gay black man who will only wear Prada and Gucci get one step closer to his dream of winning a glorified game show. And don’t worry folks, just as soon as Big Bother III is over, the Lord will go back to watching over the American economy. Not much is likely to happen while his attention is diverted.

Marci doesn’t want Gerry to veto him because he is the black gay guy, but he’ll take what he can get.
Gerry now tells Invisibelle that the only reason people nominated Marci is because they are homophobic and racist. I’m still stuck on this "people" thing. Last time I checked, the only HOH was Lisa, so I guess Gerry Luther King thinks that she’s a homophobic racist, even though last time I checked Lisa wasn’t smart enough to use such big words yet.
Invisibelle (who seems to be getting a lot of air time for trying to play things "under the radar") says Gerry is rubbing her the wrong way. Gerry tells Danielle he will play the race card for her to make sure she doesn’t get nominated as Marci’s replacement. Danielle doesn’t think racism or homophobia has anything to do with Marci’s nomination. Ya think?
Danielle comes to talk to Lisa and Chiapet, informing them he will use the veto to save Marci.
The rest of Cheap Beer refuses to believe this, but it’s a done deal. Revealing himself to be as naïve as they are, Gerry hopes that Lisa will nominate King Josh. Yeah Gerry, and she’s also going to dump Firefighter Eric and start putting the moves on you. To prove her mental genius, Lisa suggests to King Josh nominating another member of the alliance if Gerry vetoes Marci. No explanation as to how this would help the alliance is given. The hamsters are in chaos. Ain’t life fun?

Back from commercial they assemble for the Hand of God Meeting. I see that as part of the protocol the nominees are required to wear the ugliest things in their wardrobe, so Marcei is decked out in a white bathrobe while psycho Lori has on that terrible pink shirt with her jeans jumper and a ridiculous straw hat. Here’s the full transcript of the meeting.

Gerry Luther King: This is the Hand of God Meeting. I am here through twists of fate to free one of my people. It has been a long journey, but here I am. The length of my journey underscores the importance of my mission, for I have the greatest power known to man. Greater than the power of healing, greater than the magic of birth, more exciting than sex, and yes, even better than shaving cream bikinis. It is the Hand of God. The power is mine and it weighs heavy upon me. Come my gentle subjects and answer me this question, why should I save you? Let us begin with you Mad Woman of the Great North?

Mad Woman of the Great North: Well the only reason that Marci even has a chance of getting vetoed out and saving his little black butt is because I took pity on him and didn’t make him win the competition. But I just felt so bad for him and I want to go back to my Happy Room with all the Nice People in the House with Softer Walls. <Bursts into tears and incoherent babbling.>

Gerry Luther King: Thank you Mad Woman of the Great North. And Glamorous Gay Black Boy Who Reminds Me So Much of my Little Black Nephew, speak on behalf of yourself. Ask and it shall be given to you.

Glamorous Gay Black Boy: Before I knew I was nominated by Racist Homophobic King Josh, I turned to the Mad Woman of the Great North and said, I’m so sorry to have to campaign against a nice woman like you. But now I know I need not campaign against the Mad Woman of the Great North because Gerry Luther King has cometh to save me. You go girlfriend, I want to stay!

<Polite Applause>

Mad Woman of the Great North: Well said Glamrous Gay Black Boy!

Gerry Luther King: I have determined my purpose in life. That purpose is to bring the Hand of God down to save the Glamorous Gay Black Boy. And so you are saved. Your life and your soul are now saved. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I will now cast that stone. I have looked deep into my own soul and realized that I cannot allow the Glamorous Gay Black Boy to be picked on because he is black and because he is gay and because he is glamorous. I have two beautiful black nephews and many wonderful gay friends and I myself was glamorous once. These are the demons I must defeat every day. When I permitted this nomination to be made without immediately decrying and condemning all who would dare to vote against the Glamorous Gay Black Boy I made an error. I correct that error today. I can only hope that the rest of you will all voluntarily leave the house allowing the only black and the only gay inside this house to win the Ultimate Game of Life, Big Bother III. I thank you all, and I will now allow Lisa to correct her error and nominate that which she believes to represent all that is ultimately evil, hopefully King Josh.

Lisa: I am not happy having to nominate anybody. Other than Gerry Luther King, who I can't nominate, I don’t want to evict anybody from the house, so I don’t know who to pick. I guess I’ll just make the pick the same way I made it the first time.

She glances covertly at King Josh. He shrugs his shoulders and points at Amy.

Lisa: I pick the Southern Belle.

Amy: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

She jumps up and down and takes Marci’s seat.

Both Miss Cheese USA and Psycho Lori are confident they will survive eviction. And Mincing Marci is convinced he’s in it for the long haul: he’s here to kill the cancer, the cancer is King Josh. Over and over he repeats “They can’t make me go out there and face Julie Chen! I'd sooner die!” The racist, homophobic alliance meanwhile sets their sights on ousting Gerry Luther King in the next vote.

So that’s where we’re at folks. Tune in to the next episode to see whether the hamsters decide to send Amy back to her cheese or Lori back to her meds and whether anybody yet has a staph infection from lack of handwashing.