LAST EDITED ON 03-27-02 AT 10:13 AM (EST)

It's easy to predict what will be on Combat Missions:

- The squads fall in. Everyone is present.
- The theme is introduced that runs throughout the show. Usually Jody or Helvenston or the bootee. Usually someone is brought into Col. Rudy's office.
- First pre-mission challenge. Usually an aesthetically-pleasing but otherwise-boring obstacle challenge of some kind. If Bravo is involved, they'll lose.
- More moaning about the theme or being up or down points. If someone talks about how good it is to be up points, you know they'll lose the mission.
- Scenic shot of Camp Brainstorm somewhere in here.
- Something featuring Col. Rudy or Heather the Medic Babe.
- Second challenge (if there is one). Again, Bravo loses if they're involved.
- Mission briefing. Sgt. Major talking in a voiceover, even when he's standing right there speaking to the camera.
- Mission prep. Usually talk about how great someone should be for that particular mission. That person is usually the bootee if his team loses.
- First team goes on mission. If it's Charlie, they're going to fail and Crenshaw will be killed. The elapsed time will be shown, however. Sad bugle music if this team will end up losing.
- Second team mission prep shown in a couple of brief frames, then go to commercial.
- Second team runs mission. If Charlie, they fail and Crenshaw is killed. Elapsed time usually not shown. Sad bugle music if this team will end up losing.
- Shots of everyone around camp, either relaxing or lamenting about the mission.
- Some non-related thing gets put in right about here. Also, usually some scenic sunset shot.
- Mission results. Squads file in every time. Voiceover of results as soldiers shown standing there looking bored as hell. Charlie loses no matter what the elapsed times or number of people killed are.
- Rudy smirks at the losers and tells them they have 10 minutes to pack and report back to the Discharge Room.
- Sad bugle music as 10 minutes turns into a half hour of discussion. If Col. Rudy says someone should stay, or be the leader, that person will be the bootee. If Col. Rudy thinks someone will be booted, that person will stay. Bank on it.
- To the Discharge Room! Squad files in, every time. The red light on the wall is turned on. As if anyone is going to walk in on them. Lady Major gets to pass out the voting cards. Her uniform never fits, despite tailoring. Is she anorexic? After vote is read, everyone shakes the bootee's hand as they all scurry out of there.
- Final formation, bootee comes out, gets Salute Of Death from Col. Rudy, who shamelessly lies about it being an honor to serve with the bootee. More salutes of death from former squadmates, and usually hugs. Bootee takes walk of shame to spotlessly-clean-despite-driving-in-the-desert, product placement Chevy Avalanche.
- Sad bugle music. Other squads run off, losing squad walks off dejectedly. Fade to black.

*** Contradictions don't exist. If you are faced with a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong. -- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged