LAST EDITED ON 03-05-05 AT 06:09 PM (EST)

Before I begin the summary I would like to take a moment for a few words. I want to say that it is a huge privilege to be able to tag-team with Jims to bring you the premiere episode of The Amazing Race 7 summary! I originally contacted Jims about a team approach and had it not been for him…I would have missed the chance to summarize this season. I don’t fair well in random draws! Thanks for taking this one with me Jims! With that in mind…let’s get to the good stuff!

Jims: "That's not fair! I want to summarize! I don't want to be stuck in italics for the whole summary!"

Vols: “No Silly, we are both going to take turns writing the summary!”

Jims: “So, does that mean you will be commenting during my section?”

Vols: “Yes, I will respond with navy text.”

Jims: “I’m down with that. Let’s start the show!”

The Amazing Race 7 begins with Phil and his manboobs standing on the deck of The Queen Mary as she (The Queen Mary not Phil nor his manboobs) is docked in Long Beach Harbor in California. The race will begin in Long Beach with 11 teams participating. As Phil is talking about the race we see three helicopters transporting the 11 teams to the starting point. The helicopters land and we officially meet the teams:

Team Bro: Brian and Greg are brothers both living in California. Brian is a waiter and Greg is a bouncer. This means that Brian is a waiter at the bar where his bro works.

Jims: "Yawn. More waiters from the cultural cesspool that is L.A"

Team LLF 1 (Lifelong friends): Debbie and Bianca are lifelong friends. I guess they met in the hospital where they were born! Debbie lives in LA with Bianca living in Virginia and are photographer and school teacher respectively.

Jims: "Not only that, they're lifelong hotties."

Team Homo or the Happy Boys: Lynn and Alex are from WeHo (West Hollywood) and I think we have our first gay on reality TV with a daddy complex! Alex is 22 and Lynn is 30 and Alex has not come out to his family…Alex honey, don’t even break it to anyone gently, just go on national television and proclaim your love to another man!

Jims: "They're like this weird combination of Reichen/Chip and Rob/Brennan. That's a good sign."

Team Roomies: Megan and Heidi are roommates that are rumored to be huggy-kissy towards each other. They are from California where Megan is a fashion designer and Heidi is a full time mom. Ummm…could someone please tell me where I could find me a sugar daddy and to be able to be a stay at home mom?

Jims: "OK, now how about a contestant from one of the other 49 states?"

Team Grand parents: These senior citizens are ready to take on the world! Meredith and Gretchen are both retired and from Maryland. Meredith holds seven National Masters Swimming Championship titles. DAMN! Gramps can swim!

Jims: "What kind of mom would name their boy Gretchen?
...Huh? What's that you say?
I knew that."

Team Jonathan/Victoria Light: A young girl with a daddy complex! Is there a pattern here? Ray is 44 and Deanna is 27 and both are successful in the business world. However, is Ray as domineering as Jonathan? Only time will tell!

Jims: "Great. A combination of Freddy/Kendra and Jonathan/Victoria. Charming."

Team we are sick of you: They are back for 15 minutes of fame and we are so excited to see them…NOT! Are they STILL in the race? Entertainment Weekly is reporting in this week’s edition, ”Race 7 proves you can cast culturally and economically diverse folks and still deliver compelling reality TV. (Are you reading this Mark Burnett?) It almost makes us forgive the presence of Survivor’s Amber and Boston Rob, but not quite.” BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jims: "You really shouldn't slam Alison and Donny like that, Vols."

Team plain old Ron/Kelly: Ron and Kelly are from Georgia. I can’t make fun of this team because Ron was a POW from the Iraq war! I am so happy Ron made it back to his family and friends; I wish this team well in the race!

Jims: "They're going to lose. And the odds are, I'm right."

Team LLF 2: Looks like Ryan and Chuck met in the hospital when they were born as well! This sentence in their bio says it all, “Ryan enjoys riding motorcycles with his best friend Chuck and herding sheep with his dog Blue.” Maybe they should be team farmers.

Jims: "Not only that, they're lifelong... um... hillbillies"

Team Mom/Son: TAR’s first mother/son team! Susan has been married to Patrick’s dad for 37 years and Susan says that her family has always been supportive of their gay son. Patrick is from Los Angeles and I wonder if he has met up with the Weho couple before the race?

Jims: "He probably has. And the 5 other teams from L.A. Blech."

Team Token Blacks: Uchenna (pronounced “you-chin-a”) and Joyce are a married couple from Texas. This team could be a time bomb. They both have recently lost their jobs due to accounting problems and they have been trying to get pregnant. They are doing to race to get closer as they seem to have drifted apart over these trying times. RUT RO!

Jims: "Nothing like a high-stress, fast-paced reality series to cure the tension"

With the intros out of the way, Phil tells us that the teams are on a race around the world with a number of legs, of which, eight will be elimination legs. We have no idea how many will be non-elimination legs nor whether we will have one of the “to be continued” episodes. I hope we don’t have one of those…they really mess me up! I don’t need the added confusion to my stupidity!

Jims: "If I see them go to a Internet Cafe, I'm going to literally travel to L.A. and beat the TAR out of Jerry Bruckheimer."

Phil continues to explain the race and that the first clue is on their backpacks that appears to be about 100 feet away. The teams will run to their backpacks and open the envelope and everything that happens from here on out is in their (the teams) hands. Then he raises his hand to send them on their way. He pauses and raises one eyebrow doing his best imitation of The Rock! I had no idea Phil was a WWE fan…who knew? Phil screams GO! The Amazing Race 7 is officially underway!

The teams race to their backpacks and grab their first clue. There are two flights leaving LAX going to Lima Peru. The teams have $133 for this leg of the race. They all jump in their cars and head off except Romber. Seems Rob doesn’t know how to open the trunk of the car. He is fumbling around the car looking for the lever to pop the trunk! The other teams are leaving the parking lot and the opening credits roll!

Jims: "It's about time they changed some of those opening pictures. Those old ones are *so* TAR5."

Vols: “Let’s not digress to TAR5. How bout you write for a while."

Jims: “Digression is my middle name."

The teams continue to race around in their new, groovy cars. Uchenna and Joyce point out that they grew up in California, so they already know where the airport is. Megan and Heidi's only going 20 miles to the gallon. Scratch that. They're actually going 70 miles an hour. They were looking at the wrong gauge. While Megan ponders this, Heidi almost hits another car. This isn't a frickin' James Bond movie, girls. You gotta bring back the car in one piece or Bruckheimer's gonna send Phil's manboobs after you. Frightened by this alternative, the girls eventually switch drivers.

By the way, the producers finally stepped in and showed Rob how to open the trunk. Rob wants to go pick up some grub, but Amber tells him that they (he) needs to lose weight. Lynn and Alex, meanwhile, are generalizing about Peru, the land of llamas and South American people. Hillbillies Ryan and Chuck comment that they can drive anything with wheels and a motor. But when it comes to Roadblocks, Detours, airplanes, or simple running, they're screwed.

Vols: “Hillbillies are in trouble when riding around in the rickshaws as well."

The teams spend another good five minutes passing each other and cackling with joy. Uchenna points out that brothers Brian and Greg are "in it to win it," as opposed to Uchenna, who is in it to have a baby. Finally, teams arrive at the airport and begin Rabid Parking Procedure. But not Meredith and Gretchen. Gosh darn it, Gretchen just missed the darn, dang, diddly exit. Brian and Greg, horny as usual, let Megan and Heidi, the "cute, little pink butt," go ahead of him. I have a feeling these two are going to follow these girls around for awhile.

Vols: “Well she was advertising her pink butt…it was written on her pants!”

Mama's Boy, the hillbillies, the Happy Boys, and plain old Ron/Kelly are now riding around in an airport shuttle. While the other teams correctly choose American, the Happy Boys are going to wait and get off at United. Those communists. Ray/Deana, Uchenna/Joyce, Megan/Heidi, and Brian/Greg eventually show up at American airlines too. Thanks to Debbie's clever use of a cell phone and the Happy Boys' sullen return from United, we learn that the American flight is faster by about an hour.

Vols: “If the Happy Boys made one more trip between counters Lynn was going to need oxygen or a cute Cabana boy to serve him some much needed ice water.”

Eventually Romber's cameraman gets motion sickness and gives them directions to the airport. They finally arrive and grab a shuttle. Meredith and Gretchen try to get on the same shuttle, but the doors close. Despite a failed attempt at suspense with a commercial, the old folks get on the shuttle anyway. This shuttle eventually picks up the Happy Boys at American Airlines too. While this is all happening, the brothers continue to flirt with Megan and Heidi. Debbie or Bianca (who cares?) tells Patrick that he looks just like her/their first boyfriend. Uchenna and Joyce don't make the American flight and is forced to look elsewhere.

Thankfully, Phil finally recaps what just happened.
American Flight: Mama's Boy, the hillbillies, two hot blonde teams, plain old Ron/Kelly, and Ray/Deana.
Communist Flight: the Happy Boys, Meredith/Gretchen, Romber, the token black team, and Brian/Greg.

Cut to Lima, Peru, where Phil tells us that the teams will now have to make their way by bus to the Plaza de Armas, also known as Plaza Mayor. The American flight lands and the teams begin scattering their separate ways. Well, at least they would if they weren't complete and total sheep. All the teams kinda stand around and gawk in confusion. Debbie or Bianca (who cares?) speaks Spanish fluently because her/their mom is fluent. The hillbillies, shockingly, are semi-fluent in Portuguese. And that's scary. When ya got a motorcyclist chasing you while yelling Portuguese, you know you're in trouble.

Vols: “I don’t know if you would be in trouble or just confused. Can you imagine hearing Portuguese coming out with those strong southern accents?"

After a good deal of floundering, the teams finally find a bus, go sightseeing, and then find the next clue. This time teams need to travel 30 miles by bus to Ancon. Then, they need to use a rickshaw to get to Playa Hermosa to search three sand piles for plane tickets. Each of these piles is labeled with a particular flight times (6, 7, and 7:40 AM), and once a team claims some tickets, they can't change their minds. This should be a cinch…

Vols: “It sounds easy but keep the lost sheep in mind”

Debbie/Bianca and Mama's Boy are tired of being sheep. They decide to break off from the rest of the group and go find their own bus. Thank goodness. It's bad enough that the producers bunch these teams up, but when the teams automatically bunch up, we have a problem. The sheep teams have a problem too. They're too darn stoopid to find the bus station on their own. While they harass the locals and Debbie/Bianca and Mama's Boy finds a bus, the Communist flight finally touches down.

Romber are first out of the gate. Oh, look, they've found a guide! A young TAR producercustoms worker named Craig recognized Romber from "Survivor" and decided to take off work to help these two. Romber/Craig runs away from the other teams and finds a short bus to ride in. The other, less famous teams have to wait for a big bus. Alex astutely calls the bus "grande" which is, according to Lynn, "so international." Idiotas.

Romber/Craig finds the clue box first. They ask a local how to get to the busso stationo, and Rob is surprised to get help. Rob then goes on to say that they have all of Peru working for them. Yep, that's right, Rob. An entire country, just waiting to be ordered around by bossy DAWs. Of course, Patrick really nailed it dead on. Patrick tells Debbie/Bianca that he watched Survivor and Rob really is as dumb as a rock. That's being generous, Patrick. Rocks don't wear idiotic baseball hats and speak with thick Bostonian accents.

Vols: "I am not so sure that Patrick is any sharper of a tool. He can’t make any decisions without talking to Debbie and/or Biance (which one? Who cares?)”

The hillbillies and the sheep are still lost. They need to all get on a bus together, or they're in big trouble, because none of them know Spanish. Cue slow motion tension shots.

Vols: “I bet those sheep are scared with those red neck hillbillies around."

Jims: “Agreed Vols, I miss using the italics…”

The sheep (Ryan/Chuck, Ray/Deana, Megan/Heidi and Ron/Kelly) are still trying to find a bus to Ancon! They are shown asking questions but it appears no one knows where a bus stop is much less where the hell Ancon is located! What is up with these people not knowing where this little city is located? After asking numerous people they finally find the buses. GEEZ, I thought Phil was going to have to travel to Lima to tell these 4 teams that they were too stupid to be in the race and they were Philiminated. They are on the third bus to Ancon.

Jims: "Wanna know the saddest part of all this? The Spanish word for "the bus" is "el bus" or sometimes "el autobus." Heck, they could've stood around shouting "BUSSO!" and still would have found it faster."

The happy boys, Bros, Uchenna/Joyce and Meredith/Gretchen are walking around trying to find the route marker holder. Alex asks one of the locals where the plaza is and the local volunteers to take them. On the way the guy decides to show off his wares as he starts doing cartwheels better than an Olympic gymnast! He is very impressive. He leads them directly to the holder and they discover they have to take a bus to Ancon. Let’s watch the relationship between the Happy boys and the Bros. They seem to be getting into some type of alliance.

We are now shown that Susan/Patrick and Debbie/Bianca get off the first bus at the beach and both teams get in those little rickshaws to be taken to the beach. Debbie kisses Bianca and tells her that she loves her. This is just too damn strange. Shortly behind them are Romber and the paid help. Rob is excited that he doesn’t have to pedal to the beach.

Jims: "Well, he's does have the whole country of Peru working for him... Y'know, he could do very well in the shoe industry if he played his cards right."

Team Bro decides they are going to take a taxi to the bus stop and they make it before anyone else and are off to Ancon on bus 4. Next to the bus stop are The happy boys. As they are waiting for the next bus, Lynn states that, “it is muy caliento”. Lynn buddy, it is caliente. According to freetranslation.com Lynn just stated it is very I heat. Too freaking funny. Anywho, they take bus 5 to Ancon. Meredith/Gretchen are not far behind on the sixth bus but Meredith almost did a face plant on the side of the bus as gramps seems to have problems walking. I don’t know how these teams got so separated as they were all at the route marker holder at the same time. However, Uchenna/Joyce are on another bus! When everyone got their clue they all asked a local where to catch the bus. The man clearly told them it was 5 blocks and pointed in the direction. How in the hell can these idiots get lost from each other on a 5-block walk and/or taxi ride? Meredith/Gretchen rode in a taxi yet The Happy Boys beat them to the bus. *boggle*

Jims: "It's amazing what a positive attitude can do for you. They're not called The Happy Boys just because they're overtly gay."

At the beach in Ancon, teams have to dig in sand to find their airline tickets to their next destination. There are flight times clearly marked by signs that represent the number of set of tickets in each huge pile of sand. As the teams find the tickets they are to remove the sign to show the other teams the piles of sand that have the remaining tickets. There are three flight times, 3 sets of tickets for 6:00, 4 sets for 7:00 and 4 sets for 7:40. This should be very simple…let’s see how it pans out.

The order of arriving at the beach and the tickets chosen:

Debbie/Bianca: Arrive and find 7:00am set of tickets.
Susan/Patrick: Arrive and find 7:00am set of tickets.
Romber with paid help: Arrive and find 7:00am set of tickets. Rob wonders what would have happened if they hadn’t found this guy! CBS paid him off dummy!
Ray/Deana: Arrive and start digging in the 6:00am pile until Romber gets the ticket and then they move onto the 7:00am pile and get tickets.
Megan/Heidi: Arrive and find a set of 7:40am tickets without looking at the other times.
The hillbillies: Arrive and get 7:40 tickets without checking the other times as well.

Jims: "A Detour is a choice of two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. This week's Detour is 'The Fool' or 'The Fool that Follows.'"

In one of the funnier moments of the show before the hillbillies arrive at the beach they decide the guy isn’t moving their rickshaw fast enough and get out and PULL the rickshaw with the driver still on it! They are running and screaming, “BEEP BEEP coming through coming through clear on the high side clear on the high side!” I hope the locals know what the high side is because I sure don’t! This was really funny even though it didn’t get them any extra time because they are all running so closely together. I think it actually bunched them up more than if they had just stayed the course.

We find out that the teams will be spending the night on the beach and will leave in the morning at the times mentioned. They are on their way to Cusco, Peru where they will find their next clue at the airport. The altitude at Cusco is close to 11,000 feet and could cause some problems!

Jims: "At least now the racers will have an excuse for acting like illogical stoners."

Ron/Kelly arrive and Debbie or Bianca screams out that the time slots left are 7:00 and 7:40 while the other one screams really loud and says go to the sand in the middle. The middle sandbox is the 7:40 time slot. Ron/Kelly either didn’t hear the 7:00 or just took them for their words because they start digging at the 7:40 time slot. They get their tickets and then realized that the girls had lied to them. Kelly says they can’t be trusted. UM…this is a race for a freaking million dollars baby! I would not trust anyone 100% and I sure as hell would not take someone’s word of where to go during this type of race. I hope this is the only time Ron/Kelly are this naive!

The next wave of teams begins to trickle onto the beach. The Bros arrive and they go look at all the times and realize that there is one 7:40 left and there are three 7:00 time slots left. They are looking a little confused and realize that where they came from 7:00 is before 7:40! Man these young whippersnappers are pretty damn smart! I bet they will become bean counters like Bolo…58, 59, 70! They quickly get a 7:00am ticket.

Jims: "Next week, Brian and Greg discover bunching."

The other teams arrive in this order:
The happy boys: Arrive and get tickets for the 7:00 flight.
Meredith/Gretchen: Arrive and get tickets for the 7:40 flight.
Uchenna/Joyce: Arrive and get tickets on the 7:00 flight.

That was the biggest fustercluck I have seen in a while! These teams are idiots by not investigating all avenues before making a decision and go with it then to find out they did the wrong thing. GEEZ! I hope this is just first leg jitters and they learn from their mistakes. If not, no one is going to be able to make it far in this game!

Jims: "Instead, they'll just play a million-dollar round of 'Red Light, Green Light.' And that will still only last four minutes."

Everyone arrives at the airport ready to leave for Cusco. The first flight is in the air as we discover that there is a technical difficulty with the 7:00am plane. The flight is delayed. The teams go to the counter and realize that their plane is delayed by at least 45 minutes. OH.MY.HECK! The teams that were so stupid and idiotic the day before just got a pass by their flight leaving BEFORE the 7:00am flight.

Jims: "Dumb decisions yield dumb luck. Ask any Texas Hold'em player."

Vols: “This may be a dumb decision but I am off to play Texas Hold’em.”

Jims: “SLACKER! I was tired of this goofy maroon font anyway.”

The smart-but-unlucky teams don't know what to do. Luckily for them, they have Brian and Greg. Where they come from, a 7:45 AM flight leaves after a 7:40 AM flight. So, all the sheep beg to be transferred to the 7:40 flight. Wait a gosh darn second! Didn't Phil just say that you had to take the flight that you dug up in the sand? Don't you think bad things happen sometimes and you have to deal with it? Do you think you can throw out all the rules, and just do whatever you want? DO YOU WANT COMPLETE AND TOTAL ANARCHY? Do any of you possess a brain cell? You gotta follow the rules, folks! Only Romber is allowed "assistance."

...This all being said, a giant plot hole envelops the teams, and they all get on the 7:40 AM flight. Curse you, evil Bruckheimer.

As all the home viewers begin scratching their heads, the first flight finally lands. Mama's Boy and Debbie/Bianca find the hidden clue box first. Teams must now make their way by marked taxis 22 miles to Huambutio. Then they must find a kiosk, owned by a guy named Felipe and receive their next clue. But where are the marked taxis? Marked taxis? Where? Huh? Marked... taxis? Oh, there they are. Wow, the scenery's beautiful. Scenery gorgeous? Yeah, Mom. Scenery, wow! Scenery neato. Scenery cooler than Pennsylvania. Scenery groovy.

Vols: “I think the viewing audience started scratching their heads when they started reading this summary!”

Eventually the teams stop commenting about the scenery and Debbie/Bianca finds the kiosk first. Now teams must travel across a rickety bridge to the top of a gorge. Then they must take two obligatory ziplines to the bottom and receive their next clues. Ziplines are fun. They were fun in TAR5, they were fun in TAR6, and gosh darn it, they gotta be fun in TAR7.

Debbie/Bianca, Mama's Boy, and Romber finish the zipline easily and open their next clues. Detour! This week's options are "Rope A Llama" or "Rope A Basket."

Vols: “A tisket, a taskat, Rob had a huge basket! I know Jims would not have noticed but when Rob got strapped up for the zip line I was the one screaming HOLY CANOLI!”

For those of you who enjoy lists and the abusive use of HTML, let me rope some statistics.

Skilled Detour - Rope a Llama
Objective: Rope two llamas and direct them to the top of a hill to their pens.
Llamas: Giant fuzzy camels.
Camels: \ka-mels\ n: either of two cud-chewing mammals used especially in desert regions of Asia and Africa for carrying and riding.
Llamas' temperment: Angrier than a Jonathan in second place.
Megan/Heidi: Will never see second place.

Brainless Detour - Rope a Basket
Objective: Teams will use a rope to hoist a two baskets over their shoulders and carry them to the Tienda Victoria Valdiria.
Baskets: 35 pounds of nasty alfalfa.
Number of Miles: .6666666666667 miles
Number of Feet: 3520 feet
Minimum IQ Requirement: 75
Average Racer IQ: 69
"69" is a Funny Number: Brian/Greg

Surprisingly, Debbie/Bianca, and Mama's Boy do the Llama Detour while Romber opt for manual labor. The llamas really hate Debbie, so they switch to the brainless task. Patrick and his mom are doing great, because they picked the cute, cuddly llamas. Romber's doing well too. As Rob says, "When in Incaville, do as the Incas." Nice one, Rawb. Yep he’s right. And when in Aztecville, sacrifice Romber to the reality TV gods.

Romber stays away from Aztecville and finds the clue quickly. Now teams must find the Huambutio police station and take a delivery truck twenty miles to the village of Pisac. Once they arrive, teams must search the marketplace for a clue and cheaply made Gucci wallets.

Vols: “The Happy Boys are gonna be all over those Gucci wallets! Where is Danny/Oswald when we need ‘em?”

Mama's Boy, meanwhile, is covered with llama spit. Eventually, the llamas tire of showering the stoopid Americans and go in their pens. Llamas are jerks. They meet up with Romber in the truck and the two teams passive-aggressively bond. Debbie and Bianca, after much grumbling, eventually finish the Baskets Detour, but just misses the truck.

In case you were wondering, the other flight finally lands and all the teams begin driving to the zipline. At first sight of the canyon, the Happy Boys notice "it looks just like Splash Mountain." DUH! It's a small world after all.

Vols: “I would have thought they would have compared it to the Dixie Classic Fairgrounds but guess not!”

Brian and Greg reach the zipline first, followed by the Happy Boys, the token old people, Ray/Deana, the token black couple, the hillbillies, plain old Ron/Kelly, and then finally the "cute little pink butt", in that order. Whew. When the teams finish the zipline, they proceed to the Detour. I'm sure you're tired of reading by now, so here's the short-n-sweet version.

Llamas: Meredith/Gretchen, Uchenna/Joyce, and the hillbillies.
Baskets: Brian/Greg, the Happy Boys, Ray/Deana, Ron/Kelly, and Megan/Heidi.

Brian and Greg, the brainless, macho doods, have found a new hobby. Their basket-carrying skills are at least six notches above the rest and they easily finish the detour before the others. The Happy Boys, and their "super-heavy bags" finish shortly afterward, and end up on the same truck as the brothers.

Vols: “Well, I thought the Happy Boys would carry Brian and Greg’s baskets!"

By the way, Meredith and Gretchen are amazing llama herders. They've got a really cool strategy going. Meredith ropes both camels, and begins leading them along the path. Gretchen's job is to follow behind, complain, and slow the whole process down. This strategy works. They receive their clue and head straight to the pokey for to ride in the delivery truck. Ray and Deana, on the other hand, have an good strategy as well. Ray will carry his basket, while Deana slowly suffocates herself. Deana complains and Ray gives her the "suck it up" routine. Eventually, they finish the Detour and walk to the police station. Right when they arrive, Meredith and Gretchen's delivery truck closes the door and begins to drive away. As we go to commercial, Gretchen cleverly notices "this gives us an advantage." Gosh darn it, Gretchen, you're right.

Vols: “Gretchen thinks she is the sharpest tool in the shed.”

Jims: “"More like, Gretchen knows she's the sharpest tool in the shed, considering the competition."

Vols: “Is that the best you could come up with Jims?”

Jims: “"FINE, I won't summarize any more! I like the neat maroon font better anyway."

In the only real complaint about the altitude, Deana says she can’t hardly breath. Jonathon Light tells her to suck it up and move on. Sometimes I would like for one of the peeps that are verbally abused to just waylay into the person and give them a dose of their own medicine! Don’t just sit there and take it…open your mouth and speak! URGH!

Sharing the same truck to Pisac is Susan/Patrick and Romber. Patrick goes on and on how they didn’t know how Romber was going to act. They (I guess everyone else in the race) thought Romber would be all cutthroat. Rob says nope they just want to enjoy the experience. Then Rob asks if Susan/Patrick wants to be in alliance. Patrick jumps at the chance because he says in a confessional that he wants to be in the alliance to be part of the reason they (Romber) get booted. Two things here 1) Patrick is damned and determined to get Romber out of the game. He better worry about his own sorry ass across the mat and let Romber mess up and boot themselves. 2) Who the heck in their right mind would trust Rob after watching him in the two seasons of Survivor? Maybe Patrick has a little man crush.

Jims: "Amber could *so* take Patrick."

Susan/Patrick and Romber make it to the market place and decide to help each other find their next clue. It doesn’t take long for Susan to find it and they notify Romber. The pit stop is a 325 year-old church that looks absolutely beautiful. The last team to arrive will be Philiminated!

On the truck ride to Pisac, Lynn and Alex start singing PERU PERU PERU as the locals laugh and make fun of them. Lynn should not try out to be on the next American Idol. He would get booted just as fast William Hung! I hope he has no plans of quitting his day job!

Uchenna/Joyce and the hillbillies decide to rope a llama…THE RIGHT WAY! One of them takes the reigns while the other follows the llama hitting on its tail along the way. They have to make two trips but have absolutely no problems what so ever. They get the clue to head to the market place and are 8th and 9th respectively. Did anyone have any doubt that the hillbillies would know how to do this?

Jims: "Not me. I was expecting them to strap on four wheels and a motor to theirs llamas, and drive their way to victory."

Ron/Kelly and Meagan/Heidi decide to rope a basket. Ron just grabs the ropes and he is off. Both teams have little trouble with this. They get their clue and head out to the market in 10th and 11th place.

Back at the market, the Bros and the happy boys (with Meredith/Gretchen not far behind) decide to help each other as well. They all go up and down the isles until the clue is located. This market is like a small flea market and wouldn’t be as hard to find the clue than that museum the teams had to go to last season. On their way to the pit stop, Lynn says, “muy muy muy! What am I saying, very very very?" Yes, Lynn you are saying very very very and you need to actually learn Spanish before you attempt to speak the language. Stoopid Americans. The three teams head off to the pit stop.

The fifth truck is sitting and waiting to leave for Pisac with Ray/Deana on board. Uchenna/Joyce makes the truck and climb aboard. Ron/Kelly are running down the street and Ron runs up and asks if they can get aboard. Ray screams no and they are off. When did Ray become the Pisac truck police? I didn’t see a badge or uniform. What gives? That leaves us with the last three teams on the same truck heading off to the market. Ron/Kelly, the hillbillies and Meagan/Heidi are those teams.

Jims: "I love how the producers are making them ride around in delivery trucks this year. Next leg, Phil's going to send them through the mail."

Ray/Deana and Uchenna/Joyce are the next group to head out at the market to locate the clue. Ray suggests they stick together and help each other out. However, Ray finds the clue and then shouts to run to the taxi. Deana says what about Uchenna /Joyce and he says they have already left! How the hell does he know they left? Ray and Deanna were looking for a clue and had no idea where Uchenna and Joyce were. This could come back to haunt them later.

Romber’s taxi is in front of Susan/Patrick’s cab by like 20 feet. Rob keeps turning around to look and see where they are and makes a comment about this leg being a foot race between them and Susan/Patrick. However, Rob isn’t aware of the fact that Debbie and Bianca are right behind Susan/Patrick’s taxi explaining a different way to the pit stop. Susan/Patrick’s taxi decides to go another direction as well just as Romber’s taxi gets stop in the middle of the street. Rob takes over and jumps out of the taxi to determine what has happened. A car has stalled. Rob yells for Amber to help him push the vehicle out of the way! I bet he misses the hired help now!

Jims: "About time. Now Rawb's working for the entire country of Peru."

As all the drama of the stalled car takes place, Debbie/Bianca slide on the mat and Phil explains that they are team number one and they have won $10,000 each for winning the first leg of the race! WOW! Great to see they are changing up on the prizes this season. I like it.

Susan/Patrick jump on the mat with all the confidence in the world. Phil tells them they are team number 2. You would have thought Phil had just said Patrick was dating Jeffrey Dahmer…Susan had the saddest face! She goes, “we thought we were first!” Susan honey, you came in second and are doing very well. Shut the hell up and move out of the way! Just be thankful you are still in the race. Phil finally tells her to stop whining because Romber is now in the church and they are team number 3! Phil becomes all chatty Cathy and recounts Romber being in the back of the pack and moving to the front. Well that has a little to do with the hired help. Let’s see if Romber can make it deeper in the game than that Big Brother bitch from a couple of seasons ago.

Jims: "Oh don't worry. Craig will come back. Mark my words."

Just as this entire leg has gone the Bros and the happy boys are neck and neck. The Bros hit the mat 4th and the happy boys click their heels 5th. Meredith and Gretchen are excited to be sixth with Ray/Deana a close 7th. Uchenna/Joyce rounds out the first 8 to cross the mat.

The final three teams reach the market place and start looking frantically. The hillbillies find the clue first and run to a taxi. Megan/Heidi finds the clue and Ron/Kelly are close behind in last place. The taxi rides are furious as Ron/Kelly’s cab passes Megan/Heidi as they look unhappy! Ryan tells Chuck to open the door and make sure Ron’s cab doesn’t pass them but I guess he didn’t take him seriously because Ron/Kelly are now in the lead! However, Megan/Heidi also passes the hillbillies. Mass confusion once the teams get out of the taxis, as none of them know where to go. They are just running around looking like the ignorant Americans they are! During all this madness Kelly says, “Ron, pull it out! What’s the name of it?” Cupcake, I am sure that he has a name for it because most men name them but now is neither the time nor the place for him to become an exhibitionist. You can see it once you find Phil…UMKAY?

Jims: "We don't want to blind Phil, do we? He would have a lot of trouble welcoming people to the mat. He'd be twacking people with his cane, and getting the teams confused... At least, he'd be able to do his groovy voiceovers still."

As Kelly begs Ron to let her see it, Meagan and Heidi step on the mat and are team 9. Phil hugs both of them! Not only can Phil Philiminate someone, he can also Philibrace them too! The leg comes down to a footrace with the Hillbillies no more than 10-15 feet behind Ron/Kelly. The Hillbillies are Philiminated and they are shown in a confessional talking about how close they are and they get choked up. I am sure their friends will be giving carp because hillbilly men aren’t suppose to cry are they?

Jims: "Ahem. It's their party and they can cry if they want to. You would cry too if it happened to you."

Vols: “Let them cry and sulk…what happens next week?”

Jims: "Forget next week. This summary is over. My snarky levels are depressingly low."

“Your snarkiness is needed to help me wrap this thing up”

“FINE *grumble*!"

Next Week on the Amazing Race

“There will be plane, trains and automobile rides!”

“Rob deceives the rest of the teams”

”The Happy Boys are not so happy”

”Yeah, happy enough to yell at some villagers over a broken scale next week.”

THE END