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"Gay Idol Journal - Week 6 (Barry Manilow)"
TODDLJ 421 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Daytime Soap Guest Star"
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04-27-04, 02:35 PM (EST)
 
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"Gay Idol Journal - Week 6 (Barry Manilow)" |
With all due respect to sodiumswirl, who made a noble effort to replace me this week, I have decided to continue my column despite my palpable outrage over the untimely boot of Jennifer Hudson. A warning, though, the anger I feel over the situation has caused me to been even bitchier than usual. Don’t be surprised if I take out this anger in an unusually cruel manner on the numerous fashion errors of this week. Last week, Spring appeared to have sprung all over the stage of American Idol, and based on the general color scheme of the contestants, the Easter Bunny apparently projectile vomited on them. Let’s get one thing clear, I hate Spring. Spring sickens me. I think there should only be two seasons, bitter Winter and steamy Summer, with a few weeks of recovery Fall between. With my current love life in the toilet, and with no looming prospects, I am still in the middle of bitter Winter. So don’t give me your f’ing Spring pastel crap. I ain’t havin’ none of it. 1. Jennifer Hudson
Jennifer will be my exception today, I refuse to savage her any more than the voters have already done by booting her unjustly about 4 weeks too early. She earns ‘Diva of the Week’ looking classy and elegant (and bucking the sickening Spring trend) in black and white. With a white fitted jacket over a black bustier and black ¾ slacks, she looked appealingly retro. Her black and white checkered choker and matching black and white interlaced hoop earrings were effective and unusual. And her wavy hair was soft and approachably sophisticated. (I wasn’t digging on the low-slung silver chain belt that accentuated her hips, but I’m quibbling.) Most of all, though, Jennifer gave a heart-felt, impassioned, and full-throated rendition of ‘Weekend in New England’ that stands with the best performances of any season of American Idol. Her unique spirit and intense commitment to each song are the mark of a true Diva. You are better than this dog-and-pony competition, Jennifer. Find somewhere they can truly appreciate you. 2. Jasmine Trias
Jasmine ranks so high this week because despite the crap they put her in, she is undeniably lovely, and her sleek new hairstyle, new French manicure, and smoky-eyed makeup were unquestionably stunning this week. Also, she appears to have finally taken my advice and lost the silly flower-behind-the-ear gimmick. And, performance-wise, she stepped away from the microphone and let go a little bit, pulling away from her typically stilted Stepford-Idol shtick. So, there is a lot of good stuff going on. But what the heck was she wearing? Fist of all, the baby-pink (Springy!) crepe layered scarf-skirt was ultra-feminine but just too oddly constructed for my taste. And we know your navel is lovely, Jasmine, but must you display it for us every week? The belly-baring garb simply points up your youth in a way which isn’t helping you at all. And a dark denim jacket over a cropped white silk camisole tank? Again, your tendency to dress much too casually is really hurting your image. If you want us to think you are an adult, try dressing like one for a change! 3. LaToya London
I loves me some LaToya, no question. But last week, Girl let me down! Somehow, she managed to find jeans that made her teeny-tiny frame look pear-shaped, which I would have though was impossible. The rise on them was simply too high, and the taper on the leg was unfortunate as well. Her lemon yellow (Springy!) cowl-neck top was a bit more of a success, especially when paired with lovely bronze-toned accessories and bright metallic-yellow eyeshadow. But the whole thing was simply not exciting enough, not powerful enough, not memorable enough. If you want to win this thing girl, which I think you can, you need to start dressing like a winner EVERY WEEK. This week, you dressed like a bottom three contestant, and low-and-behold, that’s where you landed. 4. Fantasia Burrino
Again, like LaToya, Fantasia failed to impress me this week. Another unfortunate pair of jeans is to blame, I’m afraid. If I were Fantasia, I’d try to hide my body-shape issues with a darker, dressier jean, which has a crisper fabric. I didn’t mind her black boots so much, but her dusty rose (Springy!) suede shirt-jacket, layered over a white tank, was completely unflattering. And she’s back to the hard-edged bangs I hated so much three weeks ago. In the homestretch, Fantasia, why are you slipping backwards into too-casual attire, too-tight jeans, and too-ghetto hair? It’s time to crank this up a notch, fashion-wise, before it’s too late! 5. John Stephens
The only thing more dull this week than John’s milquetoast rendition of ‘Mandy’ was his risk-free grey suit and slate blue shirt. His bland, colorless vocals, severely limited range, and complete lack of dynamics make him one of the least entertaining human beings I know. And his inability to take any risks whatsoever with his look only adds to my intense, violent, and burning disinterest for him. This man is about as exciting as page 347 of the DeMoines white pages. He has all the charisma of a bump on a log. (Not the primary bump, mind you, but a secondary little pimple which is lower and to the left of the bump on the log.) And, all things considered, he’s not even cute. How someone like him can garner more votes than Jennifer is absolutely, positively unfathomable to me. HE MUST GO NOW!!! 6. George Huff
Poor George was lead astray by his stylist this week. In a silly yolk-collared peach/cream vertical striped pajama shirt and matchy-matchy cream slacks, he looked like he was about to serve ice cream out of a little truck that plays an annoying little tune as it drives through residential Alabama. Is it just me, or does George seem to get less and less interesting every week? 7. Diana Degarmo
Sadly, little Diana finds herself at the bottom of my list of shame. In a boxy boy-cut baby blue suit and a lemon-yellow camisole top, she looked like a freaking Easter egg. I realize Diana is not fat, so it galls me that somehow she manages to find things every week that simply aren’t flattering for her figure. I do like her newly sleek blonde hairdo, but I wasn’t vibing on the long strands and silver hearts that she chose for earrings. This girl needs to find a unique sense of personal style, and go with it, STAT, or her days are numbered. There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Idol Finalists. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned a$$. Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary from a gay point of view. Please check out his website, http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com/
Cumulative Rankings:
1. LaToya London 2.0 (2, 1, 2, 2, 2, 3)
2. Jasmine Trias 3.5 (1, 4, 3, 6, 5, 2)
3. Fantasia Burrino 4.5 (5, 5, 7, 5, 1, 4)
4. George Huff 4.7 (3, 3, 5, 4, 7, 6)
5. Diana Degarmo 6.8 (9, 8, 6, 7, 4, 7)
6. John Stephens 7.7 (7, 9, 10, 9, 6, 5) R.I.P.:
7. Jennifer Hudson 2.5 (4, 2, 4, 1, 3, 1)
8. Jon Peter Lewis 4.5 (6, 6, 1, 3, 8)
9. Camille Velasco 8.9 (11, 11, 9, 8)
10. Amy Adams 8.3 (10, 7, 8)
11. Matt Rogers 11 (12,10)
12. Leah LaBelle 8 (8)
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stormysatan 90 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Hollywood Squares Square"
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04-27-04, 03:17 PM (EST)
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7. "RE: Gay Idol Journal - Week 6 (Barry Manilow)" |
That was great, TODD!
I jush wish you had put Jasmine over Jennifer.
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archon 178 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Blistex Spokesperson"
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04-28-04, 09:33 AM (EST)
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10. "RE: Gay Idol Journal - Week 6 (Barry Manilow)" |
Larry...Thanks for overcoming the your outrage and funneling it into a great journal! "This man is about as exciting as page 347 of the DeMoines white pages." Now, is that a comment on Jon only, or does that include everyone on page 347? Archon
Relieved to find himself on on page 437!
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TeamJoisey 3558 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Thong Contest Judge"
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04-28-04, 09:50 AM (EST)
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11. "Thank you!" |
Larry, glad to see you return. If you didn't show up soon I was going to post my own critique of week seven, sort of a "Queer Eye by a Straight Guy" spoof of your column. Please find the words to describe the shredded tomato look we saw on Diana. I'm feeling your pain over Jennifer. I thought she had a good shot to win it all. Now is the winter of our discontent.
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stormysatan 90 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Hollywood Squares Square"
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04-30-04, 03:07 PM (EST)
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14. "RE: Gay Idol Journal - Week 6 (Barry Manilow)" |
Jennifer is as good as last week's news now. She doesn't interest the public anymore.
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butthunder 25 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beauty Pageant Celebrity Judge"
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04-30-04, 03:38 PM (EST)
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15. "RE: Gay Idol Journal - Week 6 (Barry Manilow)" |
Great job Todd!!!!!!!!!
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