LAST EDITED ON 03-27-02 AT 12:02 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 03-27-02 AT 06:23 AM (EST)

Oh boy, yet another exciting edition of Combat Missions! Yeah, about as exciting as watching fresh paint dry. The routine is starting to set in, and it shows in the quality of play. Would anyone rather read an Iron Chef summary?

Evolution 9 – Bravo (4-0) vs. Alpha (1-3)

The squads fall in, and I notice that they are all wearing Tilley Hats! They are wearing the wide brimmed hats not only to protect them from the hot desert sun, but to shield their faces as much as possible from the cameras.

Col. Rudy tells us that Spicer is the new Alpha squad leader. The new guy, Sirker, is introduced. He has had the job of being Yasser Arafat’s bodyguard in the past, and they show a picture of them together. In view of the present political climate in the Middle East, not to mention the state of war the United States is presently in, Sirker may be the only guy out there who is actually better off being here at Combat Missions.

Time for MB’s theme! Col. Rudy in a confessional: “Alpha squad is a good squad. All the men are Navy SEALs except Jackson.” To emphasize the point, Jackson is called into the colonel’s office and asked how he feels about being the only SWAT in a squad full of SEALs. Jackson most wisely tells the Navy SEAL veteran Col. Rudy that being with SEALs is the greatest thing since Heather the Medic Babe came to camp! Col. Rudy beams and dismisses Jackson. This of course begs the question “Why is Jackson on this show?” He’s way too smart to be here…

In Bravo, Sirker is put in “Jody’s World”, and we get a boring recap of Jody being there. Fletcher shows Sirker some of his (Fletcher’s) buff photos. Sirker: “When one man shows another man pictures like these, it’s disturbing.” Nuff said. Sirker, would you care to write these summaries? Please? Pretty please?

Alpha’s Johnson is saying how Bravo’s perfect record is just luck. Spicer warns him not to underestimate Bravo. I’m figuring out that MB shows us this inane dialog to make the missons more exciting. Hell, watching some Georgia Tech geek try to ask out a UGA sorority babe would be less painful than this stuff. But I digress.

Sgt. Maj. Voiceover, who speaks in voiceovers no matter if he’s on camera or not, cannot conceal his contempt for the injured-and-dismissed Jody as he (the SGM) tells what an asset to the squad Sirker would be. Meanwhile, Col. Rudy tells Sirker that if Bravo fails, everyone will blame Sirker, just because. MB foreshadowing? MB? Really? You make the call.

First challenge – a rope climb with a 40 lb. rucksack, then fire a weapon (no particular target, just fire the thing). Sure enough, all of Bravo struggles, but guess who they emphasize having trouble climbing? If you said Sirker, you may graduate to a better reality show (if one exists!). If you missed, those UGA Sorority Babes are looking at you as if you’re a Georgia Tech geek.

By the way, Alpha annihilated Bravo 5-0 on targets to win all of 25 big points. Same stuff, different day.

More interlude: A shot of Col. Rudy as a young sailor in the Navy, followed by Jackson telling how great it is to be around SEALs, telling what SEALs do, etc. The other squad members wax eloquent on the SEAL philosophy not to leave a man behind.

No SEAL has ever been left behind, alive or dead. After this show, however, that policy is being reconsidered.

A shot of the Camp Brainstorm fence with a big “KEEP OUT” sign fills the TV screen, causing me to ask “Just who in the hell wants to get IN there?” Then again, maybe the sign faces inward, telling the participants to keep out of the real world.

Second challenge, the infamous “Double Pit Cross.” Okay, I said “infamous” to make it sound like there is a shred of excitement in there somewhere. The Lady Major (Major Myers is her name), doesn’t have her BDU jacket on (BDU = Battle Dress Uniform, the camoflage field uniform they’re wearing). With just her T-Shirt on, the Lady Major is attempting to show us that she’s got bOObs.

Sarah, you’ve nothing to worry about.

The contestants run over obstacles to traverse one pit of water, then swim through the lake, put on backpacks, then do the whole course again. It’s Bravo in a pre-mission competition. Who loses?

If you said “Bravo”, you get to watch Sarah. If you didn’t, you get the Lady Major. 50 points for Alpha.

New scenery: Heather trying to give Jackson a haircut. Spicer has had enough and takes the shears away from Heather and finishes Jackson’s haircut. Heather is not pleased that her air time has been cut, so MB gives her a confessional to make up for it. What did she say? Don’t worry, it didn’t matter.

MISSION BRIEFING!!

If you want to look good,
We suggest you leave now,
But if you want to shed blood,
We’ll gladly show you how.

You’re going to rappel,
And destroy satellite dishes,
And if you do really well,
You stay despite your wishes.

Okay, the mission involves terrorists with MISSILES inside a HANGAR. Can you guess the name of the mission, boys and girls? If you said “MISSILE HANGER”, you can name a Survivor episode! If you didn’t, take MB 101 with the Georgia Tech geeks.

The mission involves getting a computer missile guidance system from the hangar, cutting the satellite and wiring it with explosives, rappelling into the hangar, and killing the enemy while the helicopter lands to pick you up at the front door.

Cut to a scene of Camp Brainstorm. There is a guard in the watch tower. I’ll bet this CM gig is just the highlight of his life.

Interlude: Alpha revels in being 75 points up. Bravo moans about it. I wonder who’ll win? (Don’t peek! Wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise!)

Sgt. Major Voiceover tells us: “Bravo, you’ll go first. Alpha will run the mission later!” Well, DUH! Geez, the things MB teaches us! Even the Georgia Tech geeks stand a chance to learn something… naah, never mind.

They land on the roof. I guess the terrorists are all deaf, since they don’t hear a LOUD helicopter land RIGHT ON THE ROOF! But I digress. Bravo then learns that there is an ATF agent in the building. His name is Todd Nelson, 5’10”, receding hairline, moustache, wearing glasses. In a related story, the OPFOR Shadow Squad members are the Nelson Quintuplets. They all have receding hairlines, glasses, moustaches, etc.

Not that it’s going to matter. Bravo rappels down, charges the bad guys, and promptly kills the ATF agent along with everyone else. Bravo loses three guys, but get the guidance system, and get on the helicopter to ride home. Oh, and they bring the wrong bad guy out, thinking he’s the ATF agent. Nice try, guys. On the way, they blow up the satellite dish. No practical value, but spectacular to get on camera. Hmmm, is MB a cable guy, perchance?

As promised, Alpha goes next. Zundel, “The German”, rappels down and winds up with a bloody face. Seems his weapon hit him on the way down. That’s the story anyway, although the truth may be that the Basher Babes got to him as he tried to defend Sarah.

After all the shooting, the ATF agent has run away (smart guy!), Johnson, Jackson, Spicer and the German are all “dead.” I’ll bet this is going to be detrimental to their mission success, and I know this because the sad bugle music plays as Oates, the only man left alive, secures the guidance system and runs to the chopper.

Both tribes… er, squads, think they may have lost. In a moment that certainly cannot be foreshadowing, Jackson confesses that he might be out, since he’s the only SWAT and the other guys are SEALs.

Mission results: Bravo 760, Alpha 720. Col. Rudy gives Alpha 10 minutes to pack, but his watch is NOT run by the Energizer Bunny, so 10 minutes is at least 1 hour. Col. Rudy suggests that Jackson is out because the SEALs are so loyal to one another. At that point I know Jackson is safe because Col. Rudy is always wrong in his predictions (see earlier episodes regarding Potter, etc.) Col. Rudy is not going to score well on the SB Tribe voting.

Spicer wants the original Alphas to stay. Johnson, the non-original guy, asks if his leaving would be more detrimental than someone else going, clearly implying Jackson. Spicer brutally breaks him down, telling him that his leaving is no worse than anyone else. OUCH! But finally! Something resembling FUN on this show!

More sad bugle music in the discharge room. Why is the camera focusing on the “NAVY SEAL” and “SWAT” nametags on the uniforms? I sure wish they’d focus on the Lady Major’s chest that way.

Johnson is waxed. As he leaves, he foregoes the normal hugging that they normally do. No, that’s NOT a complaint! Perhaps Johnson can get together with Hunter and commiserate. The rest of the 4 Alphas remaining go straight to the Snake Pit as the other squads run off.

Evolution 10 – Charlie v. Delta.

No, I won’t even put their records up. You know that Team Upchuck is winless. You don’t know? Is your name “Rob”?

As they fall in, Bravo runs right up. Everyone else sorta lollygags and shuffles on up. I wonder which tribe is winning all the challenges?

Col. Rudy makes his introductory remarks, then mentions that one Delta is trying to make things personal. I wonder who would do that? Who could it be? Hmmm… could it be… HELVENSTON!?!?!

And Cade “Pierre” Courtley is in Scottie’s sights.

Cade’s only remark is that he apologizes to the viewers and trusts that they will realize that one man does not represent the SEAL community. Thanks to Sean on Survivor IV, I know know what “represent” means. And Helvenston, that big ol’ Delta male, is definitely “represented” here.

First exercise is the Obstacle Course. Helvenston: “I usually don’t talk trash before an event…” Did this man just come from Oz? And speaking of “Oz”….

Helvenston says that being in pentathalons makes him a good obstacle course runner, and true to his word, he’s in the lead. So are the rest of the Deltas. Mostly because “Oz” Crenshaw is holding up Charlie. The old man struggles to keep up, to climb the rope and the wall.

Oops, Estadt is hurt on the “cheese grater” net that got Jody last time! Bad ankle sprain. No worries, mate. Delta carries him to the finish line, easily in time to beat hapless Team Upchuck. In a memorable line, the Lady Major asks Estadt “You need a medic?” Duh! “NO! I’m writhing in pain on the ground for fun!” cries Estadt. Although he can’t walk, much less run, Estadt gets a paddywagon ride home, with the doors securely locked to keep him from escaping. MB! His name is “Estadt”, not “Houdini”!!

Charlie is frustrated. Cade: “I’m not blaming Oz.” That makes one of us, Cade. Oz, meanwhile, is more truthful. “I felt like I let the team down.” Yeah, I guess being the reason your team lost would tend to let them down, Oz.

Exercise: “Transition Drill”. Actually it’s a range firing exercise. MB takes pity on Charlie. Helvenston tries to talk trash, but Charlie has a secret surprise: Their targets have little Helvenston faces on them! Delta’s are blank. Charlie wins going away. 25 points for the Old Guys. Helvenston finally shuts up as he realizes that he just lost to CHARLIE squad. Oh, the humanity!

Helvenston: “He (Cade) is an example of why I got out (of the military).” Or maybe it was the death threats you were getting, Scottie?

Estadt gets to call home and we get to see the warm family scene. “My daughter might not get on the phone.” he says. Smart little girl, she knows better than to get on this show, despite Daddy’s bad example.

After the mission briefing, the focus is on Oz Crenshaw as a SWAT and how he’ll shine in this mission. Do I even NEED to ask the question, boys and girls?

Meanwhile, Heather is giving Nutter a mohawk haircut, something she apparently can handle. Nutter jokes that “If I can make a few more people laugh, then my job here is done.” Well, he’s not doing the job on the missions—oh, that’s right, Nutter, you’re making people laugh…

Delta goes first on the mission. Sgt. Maj. Voiceover says that time is important, and Estadt might slow them down. Not to worry. As they rappel down, one guy smacks into the floor! Oh, no he didn’t, that was just wishful thinking on my part. Sorry about that. The Deltas scope out the bogeys, then charge in and start shooting! Ciganik is dead, Estadt is dead, baz is dead. Helvenston and Winn get the guidance system, then play “eeny-meeny-miney-moe” to guess which quintuplet is the ATF agent… and guess right!

Cut to Oz Crenshaw, who tells us that ‘We have to have a winning attitude.” It’d be better to have some actual WINS, Oz, but who’s counting, right?

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.” says Cade as they pause at the pod bay doors. Oops, the OPFOR see the Charlies and the firefight is on! Sad bugle music plays as the OPFOR come up behind the Charlies and kill them off. Soon the Upchucks are all sitting alone amidst the hum of MILES gear as the OPFOR secure the building then leave with the guiadance system. It’s Total Mission Failure for Team Upchuck. To emphasize the point, the helicopter lands out front, then radios that there are no survivors and takes off again.

Afterward, the Sergeant Major shows them a sand table of the building and how they could use the pallets to hide behind. It would have been nice if the Sgt. Major had done this BEFORE the mission, as he did with the rest of the squads, but MB wouldn't weight the game, would he? MB?

Cade starts making excuses… FLASHBACK!

“CADET SURVIVINDAWG! WHAT IS THE MAXIMUM EFFECTIVE RANGE OF AN EXCUSE?”

“ZERO METERS, SIR!” replies Dawg.

“CORRECT! CADE COURTLEY! WHAT IS THE MAXIMUM EFFECTIVE RANGE OF AN EXCUSE?”

“Awww, this was a mission impossible!” whines Courtley. I thought Jody left last week. I guess Cade is “Whine Boy” now. The Sgt. Major toys with him. “Oh no, not impossible… “ I guess the fact that the other three squads succeeded isn’t going to keep Cade from a good whine.

Mission Results: Delta 835, Charlie Total Mission Failure and a big fat ZERO points.

Charlie talks about who to vote out. Cade as leader takes responsibility. Oz FINALLY speaks up and says that he’s the weakest link and should go.

As if there is any drama, in the Discharge Room, Crenshaw is waxed. Charlie is down to 4 men. Outside, Crenshaw hugs everyone goodbye. Col. Rudy gives Crenshaw the salute of death and points him to the gate. Oz follows the Yellow Brick Road to the product placement Chevy Avalanche as his voiceover tells us how old he’s getting.

As they are dismissed, Alpha and Charlie commiserate their misfortune together. Together, they have enough to make a full squad!

Col. Rudy tells us that Round 2 is over, and from now on the whole squad that loses is dismissed!

Thank God.

*** Contradictions don't exist. If you are faced with a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong. -- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged