TARGAY Journal, Week Three
By Larry JohnsonBy popular request, this is my SHORT weekly column on The Amazing Race, reminiscent of my critically-lauded series entitled Gay Survivor Journal. It will be posted here every Thursday, and is a Basherboard exclusive!
FASHION CITATION
This week’s Citation goes to Gerard and Ken, unwitting participants in the River Cam Wet T-Shirt Contest. After Gerard fell in the water not once, but twice, Ken took over (when Gerard politely asked: “Get your fat ass up and work, I’m tired!") Then Ken’s ‘fat ass’ fell in the water as well. Based on the applause and laughter they received from astonished locals, I’d say they won this one hands down.
LOOK OF THE WEEK
Whiny ‘legal eagles’ Heather and Eve displayed their assets proudly (in matching peach tank tops) in their efforts to outpace the leading twins.
CULTURAL AWARENESS MOMENT OF THE WEEK
As Ian was greeted at Dunottar Castle by a traditionally-attired Scottsman, he replied: “Scottie! Beam me up!” I’m sure the Scots love it that the only thing Middle America knows about them is from a 1960’s TV show secondary character.
RUNNER UP DIVAS OF THE WEEK
“Chicken Heads” Heather and Eve display Diva behavior weekly, and this week was no exception. Eve: “Heather, I can’t really run. I have a pulled muscle. What can you carry in my bag to help me run?” No doubt Eve had a personal assistant at law school to carry her book bag. (Three steps behind her at all times, of course.)
UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY QUOTE OF THE WEEK
This quote reminded me of behind the scenes at a Twin Porn shoot:
“Drew, you’d better start making better use of that pole.”
JEALOUS QUOTE OF THE WEEK
As Aaron and Arienne caught up to the twins:
“No more advantage! They got nothing but good looks… and straight teeth.” (Of course, Arienne, that’s all Brad Pitt had and look where it got him.)
QUOTES OF THE WEEK
This week, the three funniest moments were all from Cheerleader Andrew, the gayest character on prime-time TV. You go, girl! (Jack from ‘Will and Grace’ seems butch compared to you!)
(Perky.)
“When you’re a cheerleader, you really learn that even when your team is down by 50 points, you gotta keep going no matter what. You know I’m gonna jump higher, scream louder, and keep this game going!”
(Mock sad.)
“Please help me, you see my mother’s very, very sick and I need to get home as soon as possible.”
(Cheering.)
“Dennis and Andrew are really fast! We drove that tank across a lot of grass! We’re so fast we’re gonna kick your beep!” (You’re so fast that you came in last!)
DIVA OF THE WEEK
As much as it seems that all of the teams love to hate them, this only proves to make the twins, Derek and Drew, more appealing. Beauty has made them popular their whole lives, and now it has made them outcasts, but they are unconcerned. They don’t need an alliance. (Everyone knows that a true Diva stands alone.) Biggest Diva Moment: With hours of lead time, Derek and Drew kicked back calmly in the sun at the bus stop, wearing only their matching blue cargo shorts and caps, after doffing their matching red/gray soccer shirts.
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