Yes, yes, I know the weekend’s over and I’m just now getting this up, but since a good portion of the US hasn’t made it to work, it’s still the weekend somewhere. I’ll tell you what, let’s just jump right in. Recap from last week: Mary Adam does his best imitation of the Michelin Man and a couple of pretty pretty people lose all their money. Humor abounds. Or something like that. Cue opening credits. I forgot half these morons were even on the show. Avi & Joe? Who are they? Meredith & Maria? Lena & Kristy? Wow, some of these people got less airtime than Brook Geraghty.
Phil’s turtleneck and manoobies welcome us to La Pietra, the Pit Stop from the last leg of the race, which translated means: The Peter. Those crazy French. Mary Adam and Rebecca get a 2 hour head start thanks to that Fast Forward (Hee, I almost wrote “Fart Forward”). Well crap, that means they can get way ahea… oh wait. They have to wait for a ferry to take them to Nice, France (as helpfully explained in Phil-o-vision, who zips us right to the site of the next clue, which is located at a statue of Prince Albert I in a can). Well that’s no big deal right? It’s just after midnight, I bet there’s plenty of ferries still going around for all the late night partiers. So Mary Adam and Rebecca head to a hotel, just to check when the next ferry will be leaving. Shouldn’t be too long, right?
Nu-uh.
The first ferry leaves at 11:30 the next morning. Congratulations! You just got another Pit Stop. But this time, YOU have to pay for it! Yay! Oh, the privileges of coming in first. Thankfully, this means that all the other teams will catch up! Huzzah! We get the requisite clips of the other teams following the exact same steps as the first team (including Bolo saying Nice like “rice” instead of like “niece”. Bolo smart.) and all ending up at the same crap-ass motel. Even Hayden and Aaron, who have no money. So they wake up nice and early and go a-begging. There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing pretty pretty people having to beg for money. “Begging isn’t fun” says Hayden. I’m shocked. I thought that the crazy guy who always bugs me for gas money despite the fact that he has no car and constantly spews prophecies of a great plague was doing that JUST FOR FUN! They manage to scrape together enough for the ferry and despite editing making it appear that it’s a nailbiter, make it on board in plenty of time.
Once we’re off the ferry (with Hayden & Aaron begging on the ferry, having blown their wad just getting on the damn thing), it’s BONZO GONZO~! as everyone makes a mad dash for taxis. Somehow in the ensuing chaos, Kris & Jon manage to get left taxiless. Sometimes life doesn’t work out for the pretty pretty people. Unfortunately, Ass & Hat are our first teams to the clue. Ass tells us that they’ve worked out a system, Hat takes care of the ground while he takes care of the air. Of course, Hat also thinks that speaking to the driver with a crappy French accent will help him understand her better. Mmm hmm, sure. At least it’s better than Mary Adam, who tells the driver “rapido”, obviously thinking they’re in Mexico or my downstairs neighbor’s apartment. Phil-O-Vision helpfully gives us a quick rundown of the next “task”: go to the airport, fly to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia (which Bolo cannot pronounce either), then sign up for one of two charter flights designed solely for the purpose of forcing 3 teams to be kept together just that much longer. They then take the charters to Middle of Nowhere, where they will find their next clue under the windshield of a van which will take them to the next clue. Remember all that? Good, because it won’t actually come into play for another 20 minutes or so.
Everyone gets their clue and it’s mad dash time to the airport with the huge Rockman in front of it. Geez, I knew the French were kinda stupid with that whole Jerry Lewis thing, but an airport, a Nice airport mind you, with a big pile of rocks that vaguely resembles a human being? I can see why Bill O’Reilly wants us to boycott them. Ass & Hat make a stop at a travel agent and get nowhere thanks to Ass’s ranting and raving. Good job. I think it was the blue hair that put her off, but that’s just me. Hey, Ass, if you dye your hair, you’re supposed to do the whole thing, not just the back part. That’s just laziness. Bolo & Lori get to the airport first and find out that the earliest they can get out of there is 6:30 that night, but won’t even be able to get to Ethiopia until the next day. Yay! More bunching! There is much more whining and airport nonsense that threatens to put everyone in the audience to sleep, with everyone getting various flights, all of which except for Team Tough Enough don’t leave until the next morning. Lori & Bolo get on a plane to Rome, but not before Bolo manages to kill one of his last two remaining brain cells by whacking his head on the airplane doorway on his way in. Bolo smart. Bolo pretend Bolo Imperial Stormtrooper. Ass gives Hat the opportunity to get tickets for them all by herself, and surprisingly, without Ass screaming in her ear, she performs the feat flawlessly. She’s a big girl now, and Ass is very proud of her.
Yep, they’re toast.
Meanwhile, it wouldn’t be TAR without some Mary Adam and Rebecca whining. Mary Adam gives us an impromptu confessional whining about Rebecca giving one of the pretty pretty people a little assistance in the airport. We then see Mary Adam and Rebecca having a Very Special Moment in the airport seating area. Rebecca can’t handle being with Mary Adam, the queen of passive-aggressivity, anymore. He tries to scootch into her lap but she’s having none of it. She wants nothing to do with him once the Race is over. To emphasize her point, she sulks quietly in her seat, pulling her hood up on her sweatshirt. Mary Adam, in an attempt to show her “see, I can be hip too”, pulls his hood up too, covering his antennae and ruining his reception from the aliens. It’s ok, Mary Adam. If Rebecca dumps you, I still think you’re cute. Just don’t speak in my presence and everything will be fine. Interestingly enough, if you look in the background, you can almost make out Peggy and Claire sleeping on an airport bench. Nice to see the Grannies finally making their way home. Mary Adam tells Rebecca that he loves her, he wishes he didn’t but he does. Aww. Rebecca and half of America and Canada promptly vomit. Morning comes none too soon and FINALLY 3 more teams get the hell out of France and on a flight to Rome, where they run into, surprise, surprise, Lori and Bolo! Yeah, getting that flight out of Nice early REALLY helped, didn’t it. On the plus side, the got a night away from Ass & Hat and Mary Adam & Rebecca. I’m sure they spent the evening giving each other head
locks. They bunch up and ALL get on the same flight (along with Team Invisible, Kris & Jon), arriving in Addis Ababa at 10 pm. Meanwhile, the Model Alliance (gods, that sounds like a wrestling tag team featuring Rick Martel) leaves a bit late, but won’t arrive until 3 am.
Let’s take a quick look at the timeline for today’s episode. Let’s just say for the sake of argument that Mary Adam and Rebecca left at about 12 midnight Monday morning. They don’t get to leave The Peter until 11:30 am. They go to the airport and all the teams except Lori & Bolo don’t get to leave until Tuesday morning. The final teams arrive at 3 am Wednesday morning. Congrats to the producers for giving us a more meaningless 51 hours than Britney Spears’ first marriage.
Anyways, back to the Race. Flight one arrives and it’s MAD-DASH time again to the charter desk. Somehow Mary Adam & Rebecca get to the charter desk first. Then, despite having JUST scolded Rebecca about helping out Kris & Jon, saying “She can’t keep her mouth shut to save her life”, he points Bolo in the right direction, getting him (along with Ass & Hat) on the first charter flight, leaving all the pretty pretty people on the next charter. The next morning at 8 am (let’s add another 5 useless hours), the non-pretty pretty teams fly out to Middle of Nowhere. Remember those vans Phil-O-Vision told us about 20 excruciating minutes ago? We finally see them. Speaking of Phil-O-Vision, it’s time for another MTV-edited quick look at the next task, which basically is go to Lowe’s Home Improvement Village or something like that. Ass & Hat wander around the parking lot looking for a young black man to exploit guide, taking so long that the second charter, full of pretty pretty people, arrives. Ass & Hat give up and just start going. They do however manage to finally conscript their “guide”, despite the fact that he thinks the color of the sky is “sun”. Oh well, close enough. The drivers actually take them to the Middle of The Middle of Nowhere, where the clue is just sitting out there in the middle of a giant field. Mary Adam & Rebecca and Lori & Bolo arrive simultaneously and it’s a foot race. At least it is until Karma decides to kick in and get Bolo back for pretending to be A Very Special Amazing Racer way back at the beginning, making him trip over his own feet. I love comedy.
Phil-O-Vision helpfully explains the concept of the detour, which is a choice between two tasks: one slow but fairly easy, the other fast but actually requiring some effort. In this case, the first one is Mud The Hut, the other is Raise The Roof. In Mud The Hut, you get down and dirty and throw mud at the side of a house. In Raise The Roof, you, along with 7 strapping young Ethiopians, will carry a thatched roof 2/3 of a mile, then place it on top of a house and put a pot on the top. For once, Mary Adam & Rebecca make a smart choice and go for “Raise The Roof”, while Bolo & Lori and Ass & Hat both choose Mud the Hut. Lori of course, being a professional wrestler has plenty of experience in mud, while Ass & Hat just think that “Mud The Hut” is something much more naughty. He had to think that, because he promptly strips down to his ass-ugly red boxer briefs.
Meanwhile, the other teams are arriving at the clue now, with Kendra giving us the observation that “these people are poor too, but it’s a different kind of poor, they choose to be poor and I respect that” or something like that. This from the same woman who bitched and moaned earlier about going to another third world country. If you can’t handle seeing different cultures, maybe you shouldn’t have come on this show. Kris & Jon and Hayden & Aaron opt to Raise The Roof as well, while Freddy & Kendra choose to Mud the Hut, because Freddy just wants to see Kendra all dirty and stuff.
Not surprisingly, the Roofing teams easily pass the Mudding teams. And finish quickly, getting their clue to go to the next task. Phil-O-Vision tells us that their job is to haul ass. Literally. They have to take their asses to a farmer who will give them their next clue. We then head back to the Mudders for ewww moment #1 as Freddy manages to slice his finger on some mud apparently. Icky. Freddy, of course, being a REAL MAN sucks it up and plays through the pain while Kendra whines and fawns and says “baby” and “honey” a lot. Lori and Bolo finish the job and get out of there just in time. I’m not entirely sure what happened next. All I know is that my ears started bleeding. Hat suddenly begins screaming and running around like the proverbial chicken with its head cut off. Ass, completely clueless to the fact that his Botox beauty is injured, continues working while Kendra tells him to help her. But he’s FOCUSED DAMMIT! He’s a SUPERHERO!
We rejoin the Roofing teams as they are arriving to get their asses moving. Mary Adam & Rebecca get there first and slowly pull their asses out of the holding area. It takes them a long time, so much so, that their asses get lapped by 3 teams, going from 1st to 4th in no time flat. They end up falling WAY behind everyone else’s asses. Eventually, F&K finish along with Ass & Hat, fighting through Mud, Blood, Sweat, and Tears. I realize that somehow that task wasn’t nearly as erotic as I was hoping for. Ass & Hat end up taking the long way around to find their asses with both hands, but no clothes in Ass’s case. Hat begs with Ass for her shoes. Finally everyone has gotten their asses in gear. Or have we? The SLOW MOTION OF IMPENDING PERIL shows us that Ass & Hat only have gotten one of their asses in gear.
DUN DUN DUN!
At St. Jub Jub’s church, which looks like a buried cross, our teams meet the farmer, who promptly gets his asses handed to him by the other teams. He then points each team in turn to… THE YIELD! Phil-O-Vision explains the concept of the Yield, in which you get placed on hold by another team. Of course, if you yield a team, you have to put your picture up so that they know EXACTLY who to “thank” later on. Aaron & Hayden arrive first and after making a token appearance at the Yield move on to the next clue. ROADBLOCK! Phil-O-Vision returns to explain the Roadblock concept for the 2 people watching for the first time, then tells them that their task is to go down into St. Jub Jub’s, see the priest, receive a pendant, and then check the worshippers who are RIGHT OUTSIDE the doors for one wearing a matching pendant. Sounds like the kind of task my wife would excel at. At any rate, Hayden finds the pendant easily and receives the next clue. Phil-O-Vision tells us where they are headed and warns us that the last team to arrive MAY be eliminated, thus sending everyone on the spoiler threads into a tizzy thinking that there might be two non-elimination legs in a row.
Lori & Bolo arrive next, followed by Kris & Jon. Lori becomes the first to become very confused and leave the church area, letting Kris get first crack at checking out the worshippers. Lori at least figures out her mistake quickly, but proves that her observation skills are less than stellar when she actually passes the correct worshipper a couple of times before finally making the match, but not before Kris has made her match and headed out of the hole in the ground. Mary Adam & Rebecca and Freddy & Kendra arrive next (sidelined momentarily by Kendra’s asthma-attack-but-not-really) and hand their asses over. Ass & Hat get there next, and to their dismay realize that they were complete dumbasses and have to go back and get their other ass moving. A giant Nelson-like “HA-ha” erupts from everyone watching. Ass decides it’s gonna take some actual strategy to stay in this race, and shouts to Mary Adam to yield Freddy and Kendra. And for some reason, Mary Adam does it. I guess he’s hoping that Hat will leave Ass and his way will be clear. He’ll gladly be someone’s b!tch. They move on to the roadblock just in time for Freddy & Kendra to see that they’ve been yielded. Freddy channels Ass briefly, blaming Kendra for their being Yielded, despite the fact that she had absolutely nothing to do with it. Oh well.
Mary Adam goes down into the church to receive the pendant, and of course, being the mental giant that he is, not only ignores the large group of pendant wearing worshippers, but actually begins walking AWAY from the church. Rebecca tries to shout at him to stop, only to realize that they’re on holy ground and she probably shouldn’t shout. So instead she grouses about sending a woman to do a man’s job. Amen sista. Freddy & Kendra are finally un-yielded and Freddy heads down into St. Jub Jub’s, thus negating the whole Yield. Good job Mary Adam. You wasted your Yield and pissed off another team. You’re the winner on this week’s episode of You’re A Dumbass!
We then shift to Ali Baba’s Lookout, where Phil’s Manoobies are waiting along with Representative Local #526 for our first team to arrive, Aaron and Hayden, who win a trip to Mexico that they can take after the Race. You know just once I’d like to see a team say “Thanks Phil, but I think we’re gonna say screw the rest of the race and take our trip now.” I think that would be funny. Since the only reason they started giving trips on EVERY leg instead of only on certain legs so Racers would actually have *some * reason to come in first as opposed to just trying to not be last. Lori & Bolo come in second and Team Invisible come in third as Mary Adam finally makes his way back down into the church. He shows up just in time to see Freddy finishing the task, then finishes himself. Ass & Hat finally get their ass back to the farmer, and begin making their way to St. Jub Jub’s, with Hat borrowing a shirt from a local so she doesn’t have to go into the church wearing just her sports bra. For some reason, she has to look for a different pendant than everybody else. But she finds it as Freddy and Kendra and Passive and Aggressive make it to the finish line.
And now for the heart wrenching finale of our show. Ass leads a group of young Africans on a march to the pit stop, their fists held high. Cripes, he thinks he’s in Amistad. I get a giggle out of the fact that on the day after celebrating the life of a great African-American in Dr. Martin Luther King Jr I’m watching the most annoying white man on earth pretending to do the Black Power salute. Even Phil can’t keep a straight face. Ass and Hat jump onto the mat together (well, Ass jumps, Hat just kind of steps onto the mat), and Phil tells them that they’re the last team to arrive. After just enough of a wait to make the viewers worry that it might be a non-elimination leg, he releases the choirs of angels to sing the Hallelujah chorus, as Ass and Hat have been ELIMINATED!!!
I have to be honest here. When watching this live, I had no idea what happened after this. I was too busy jumping up and down with glee (which, for a fat man is NOT a pretty sight) for the next half hour. Luckily I was rolling tape, so later I was able to see Ass and Hat hugging and Ass actually crying. Hat might have been crying too, but the Botox has so paralyzed her face that it can’t show any emotion anymore.
Next week… Oh, who cares! ASS AND HAT ARE GONE! HUZZAH! BRING OUT THE MEAD AND WENCHES! WE’RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT’S 999!
Is this the record for the most times ass has appeared in a summary?
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Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004
