My recap from last week. I write them for a group of friends; we've been playing our own Survivor game for many, many seasons. Sorry it's late; just thought I'd post it here in case anyone can't get enough Survivor.

Previously on...Survivor!

Eighteen brand new desperate attention whores descended upon Cagayan. Actually, only the 6 so-called "Brains" actually descended - in a helicopter - while the other 12 either bumped in in a beat up truck ("Brawn") or swooped in on a speedboat ("Beauty"),

Morgan was a bit full of herself, so to speak. I'm as surprised as you are, but she managed to tell us twice that she didn't "want to sound conceited, but...", and then proceeded to sound really conceited. She can get guys to do what she wants, because of her looks. Check. She is obviously on the Beauty tribe. Check.

Spencer is a "Diabolical genius". We'll see.

Jefra boasted of placing second three years in a row at the Miss Kentucky pageant. Not exactly a winner's quote,

Sarah loves MMA because she gets paid to punch people in the face. Who says cops are jerks by nature?

Tribes were forced to choose leaders; LJ for Beauty, because he was tall and had more of a spark of intelligence behind his eyes than Jeremiah, I suppose. Sarah was tabbed by Brawn; she actually sort of volunteered. And David freakin' Samson for the "Brains", because he was wearing a blazer, don't call it a suit, dammit.

Leaders were then forced to pick someone on their tribe as the weakest member. Ouch. Some may say it's unfair for production to create labels like this, but I don't mind - it forces the action. Except when someone I like gets screwed. Then it's not so great. But, hey, remember last season when Rupert marginalized himself right out of the game, right out of the gate? That was sweet.

LJ picked Morgan, because he doesn't trust "hot" chicks. Sound thinking, LJ. You jerk. Leave Morgan alone! Sarah picked Trish, because she had to pick someone, I suppose; there weren't any obvious weak links. I would have picked Lindsey, just because she is younger and may not bring as much to the table, in terms of life experience and savvy. For his weakest tribemate, David picked....Adonis. No, wait. He picked, Garrett, who only thinks he is Adonis. Clearly the strongest person on the tribe, and David named him the weakest. Moe. Ron. Not only did he choose to alienate the strongest person on the team (in a game where the other teams are clearly stronger), but, when Probst asked "why?", David made it worse by stating he was already looking at the last two-thirds of the game.

This was our first indication that the "Brains" tribe was sorely mislabeled.

It's stupid enough to tick off your strongest player (especially on a small tribe), and to show no compunction in doing so, but it's even worse to hit the ground and immediately let everyone know you are playing HARD. Hey, David, here's a baseball metaphor for you: You can't win the pennant in April, but you can lose it in April. But as president of the Miami Marlins, that is not a revelation, for you, is it? And I guess we shouldn't be surprised that Mr. Marlin chose to get rid of his best player at the first opportunity. Right, Hanley Ramirez? Right, Jose Reyes? Right, Josh Johnson? Hey, David, don't you think Giancarlo Stanton is a little too pricey for Miami? Send him to KC!

The "weakest" players were sent ahead to their camps to choose between a HII clue or an extra bag of rice for their tribe. Garrett immediately chose the clue, and immediately found the HII. Too easy. I don't care that it was hidden under water. So now Garrett has an ace up his sleeve (I apologize, I couldn't resist the poker pun and, as we know, we have to get all of the poker and baseball jokes out of the way this week).

For her tribe, Trish opted for rice. Because she is nice. No, that can't be it; I seem to remember her wanting to tear Lindsey a new one later in the show. I don't know why she took the rice. I wouldn't have. Even though I am nice.

Morgan took the HII clue over the rice. This had the added bonus of having her strip down to her underthings and heading out into the shallows to idol search. I wonder if there's any bonus footage of this scene on the CBS site. Ahem. Beautiful rather than brainy, Morgan didn't have as much luck as Garrett in finding the idol, and her tribe got to camp before she could find it. "There are so many different crevasses and nooks and crannies," she noted. Yes, there are, Morgan. Such delicious nooks...wait. Where was I? But there is a glimmer of cerebral activity in Morgan. Climbing out of the water, feeling totally busted by her tribe for HII hunting, Morgan spun a lie on the fly: "Do you like what I picked?". Claiming she had been inspecting tide pools for crustaceans, she showed them the shelter-building equipment, the rice and other supplies that all three camps received and told them she picked those items over "comfort" items, whatever those were supposed to be. Her tribe seemed to buy it, except for LJ, who thought Morgan seemed a little too composed for someone who had just been sent off from their tribe. LJ even surmised that she may have an idol or a clue to one. So far, the Beauties have played much smarter than the Brains.

Sarah straight out nailed Tony as a police officer, but he wouldn't cop to it. Sarah told us that he had that "cop look" and if he wasn't a cop he should go be one. Tony then told Sarah that he knew, like, "50 cops". Weirdly specific, there, Tony. But I'm sure most construction workers have at least 50 cops as friends. Not. Tony told us he didn't want people knowing he was a cop because people think cops are "strategical" and "sharp on (their) toes". Of all the thoughts I've ever had about cops, those two things were never among them. Meanwhile, Sarah, is still pretty darn convinced he's a cop, so, either way, she doesn't trust him. Good call, Sarah. Now there's a cop who's sharp on her toes. Hey, Tony, you're a cop. Maybe you should realize another cop might be able to figure that out.

Over at Brains R Us, J'Tia is engineering a shelter project. You know, because she's a nuclear engineer - what could be a better fit? Actually, after watching her for two hours, I'm pretty sure J'Tia is a nucular engineer. J'Tia's plan seemed to consist of bossing people around and then telling them they're doing things wrong. David told us that J'Tia is the kind of player who gets to bat and then can't produce. So David didn't miss anything being away from the Marlins last summer. And, really, did anyone make more errors on the first episode than David? Nope.

The IC/RC was a multi-part beast, and the Brains were crushed. Mmmm....crushed brains... For all their composite IQ, they couldn't figure out how to put a rectangular chest through a rectangular hole. Or how to keep their puzzle pieces in the chests. Or how to keep their cart together. Probst tried to encourage them: "Whatever brains they had have clearly evaporated 72 hours into this game!"

Kass made the rookie mistake of telling J'Tia she was going to vote her out. J'Tia cried a little. But Tasha and Garrett saved her day when they told her they wanted David out, because he was such a blazered weasel.

At TC, (after a Garrett freak-out over a spider) Probst tried to suss out the David/Garrett rivalry, but David assured Probst it was all okay, and that he was sure Garrett wasn't going anywhere that night. Finally, David had gotten something right. David Samson's torch was snuffed, setting off festive celebrations in Montreal and Miami. As for David, he just stormed off with a pissy "unbelievable!". Heh. He was terrible at Survivor. No one in Miami is surprised.

The second hour began with a colicky baby. The baby's name is Garrett: "This is not fun for me," he mewled. "Manual labor isn't fun. Starving isn't fun. At poker tournaments they bring me chicken and vegetables. It's not like a cool adventure for me. I want to play Survivor to outlast and outplay people. I don't want to play Survivor just to survive in the wilderness." The guy is insufferable.

Brice decided to use his purple pants to get in Morgan's good graces. That's what he said. He also said that all of Jefra's "crayons in the crayon box aren't bright."

Morgan said she thought Jeremiah was hot for her. Jeez, Morgan, that sounded so conceited. Brice and Morgan and Jeremiah seemed to make a pact, with Morgan noting she was from the Silicon Valley. Could've fooled me.

Woo outed Uncle Cliffy as a former NBA'er: "Yeah, I have a few of your cards." I like Woo's style; we'll see if he has game, as well. Cliff said: "Batman has Robin, Jordan had Pippen, and Cliff has Woo." Aw, what a cute couple. Then they dumped the boat.

Trish, returning to camp with an armload of wood, kindly informed Lindsey that there was more where that came from. Lindsey resented the implication that she wasn't doing her share. Hey, someone has to stand around the campsite and keep the conversation going. After a couple of acrimonious comments, Trish went back to work and Lindsey began mocking her, calling her "Malnu-Trish" and making "Trish faces". It was ugly, and it pushed Lindsey way down on my list of players I'd want to see win this season. But no sooner had I commented on her ugliness when Trish reurned the favor, mock for mock. Although slightly less nasty, Trish's comments were a little more frightening, as she let us know Lindsey didn't know who she was messing with, or Lindsey would still be crying. From the look on Trish's face, I'm inclined to believe her.

Tony then filled us in. While he was building the shelter, he was installing a little cubbyhole on the side which he called his spyshack. Hashtag spyshack on the screen! Heh. What a maroon. Tony, you really would have loved Phillip Shepard. Or he would have loved you. Stealth R Us! While the rest of his tribe likes and seems to admire Cliff, Tony said he had to kill the head lion of the pride to take over. And then kill the cubs. What the heck?! This guy owns guns, right? Unless I'm wrong, if he kills the lions and the cubs, he's alone on his tribe. And a mass murderer. "I have more brain than brawn. Little do they know," Tony said. Very little, Tony.

During the second IC/RC, Brains actually took a lead, despite the fact that J'Tia was dead weight in the water. But not as dead as she was at the puzzle portion of the challenge. Our nucular engineer got smoked by Beauty and Brawn, despite a large lead. J'Tia panicked and never came close to solving the puzzle, even though she said she was usually good at puzzles. Just a horrendous performance. So Brains would be going back to TC. I'm seeing an image of a fried egg right now.

Digging into the Reward basket, Tony searched for a clue to the HII, and danged if he didn't find one. Apparently, the clue was as obvious as can be, because Tony had the idol in mere moments of screen time. This finding of the idol was accompanied by strange, disturbing ecstatic noises and repeated crows of "I'm king of the jungle!". Then I retched.

Garrett decided the "Brains" would have an open forum to decide who would get the boot. Great idea, Garrett. What's your IQ, again? Furthermore, he asked Kass to go first, putting her on the spot first. Kass pointed out J'Tia's many shortcomings, and Spencer and Garrett agreed, but Tasha wasn't happy with the situation, especially as Garrett insisted they all remain together and that there would be no side conversations. Garrett, you are a terrible, terrible player. I hope those thousands of hours you put into preparing for the game were worth it. Although I think you might have been studying an old D & D manual or something.

Tasha is irate over Garrett's tactics, telling us he should play the game or go home...just managing not to swear while doing so.

Spencer agrees that Garrett sucks, calling him "a first class, grade A moron." Yup.

Kass and Tasha manage to make their way to the beach where Tasha immediately tries to sway Kass to vote out Garrett. She pointed out that Garrett and Spencer were always going to be one and two in their alliance, whereas if Kass came with Tasha now, they could be a two person alliance and ditch J'Tia's crazy backside whenever they chose.

Naturally, Garrett's paranoia gets the best of him and he and Spencer come to check on Kass and Tasha...leaving J'Tia alone in camp. And naturally, insane J'Tia, channeling Brandon Hantz, dumps the tribe's rice in the fire. Of course. Because...she wants to go home? Because she wants to stay and starve? Kass admitted she has been considering Tasha's proposal but that this incident had pretty much put the nail in J'Tia's coffin. Pretty much.

The worst part of this whole mess, believe it or not, was Garrett's whining.First, he blamed Kass that he "wanted everyone to stay together" in camp, in the most annoying, whiny manner possible. Poor thing. It was bad enough before, but now he is at "rock bottom". Good. Lord. Someone needs his diaper changed.

After learning of the rice fiasco, Probst tried to explain how Survivor works to the Numbskull Tribe: Blindsides are good because they work and, bonus!, you can limit the craziness factor. Tasha said that's why she wanted to talk in private, because "this one (J'Tia) is volatile."

Even J'Tia admitted she was a "mental patient" at one point. That might be true.

Garrett continued his amazing run of horrible Survivor gameplay, outing his own alliance, and then denying his own words. Probst wouldn't let it slide, though, and even Spencer backed Probst up, shaking his head in disbelief at his tribemate.

Kass, given the option between a lunatic and an imbecile, went with the loony alliance and voted Garrett out. Hilarious. The dude didn't even bring his HII with him. Ha! He sure can read a table.

So, the "Brains", in one episode, managed to:

Choose a horrible leader (see the final 2013 MLB standings).

Alienate their strongest player by calling him weak, and also, apparently, evoking all of that person's worst traits in the process.

Create a rivalry between their "leader" and strongest player that destroyed them both.

Lose two challenges in humiliating fashion.

Lose all of their food.

Fail at shelter-building and fire-making.

Openly told targets their status.

Tried to strongarm a vote, only to fail magnificently with huge ramifications (food supply).

Kept the person who destroyed their food supply.

Failed to bring a HII to TC.

That's a pretty solid start, right there. I'm sure I forgot some examples of their stupidity, but it was hard to keep up.

As Kass noted: "How did we come up with the criteria for the Brains tribe? I'd like to see that data."

Spencer, voting for J'Tia: "The fact that you are a nuclear engineer is genuinely, genuinely scary."

After the vote, Spencer remarked, "Who wants to welcome me to the bottom?" Kass: "Eh, it's not so bad."

All said and done, i'm actually quite pleased that David and Garrett are gone. Two horrible players gone, et's move on.

Next time on...Survivor! Apparently Tony will fess up to Sarah. And Jefra is in a Survivor nightmare.

Boot pick! Simply based on her "Survivor nightmare" quote, I'm going with Jefra for boot. But it will be interesting to see if the entire Brains tribe dies of hunger.