The following series is not Survivor.

It may have a faint resemblance to that show. There may be certain common elements, such as the host, the repeat-repeat-repeat-repeat location, and the stupidity. Especially the stupidity. But it is not in any way, shape, or form that series. Given the sheer number of Stupid Twists involved, some may suspect this is actually Big Brother on an island and given the presence of the never-before-seen autumn hamster, that might seem to have some validity to it. The presence of blatantly open (and eventually denied) racism doesn't hurt with that either. But it is not Big Brother on an island because that series generally doles out its Stupid Twists one at a time and there just aren't enough racists.

This is -- something. It is a thing where contestants get voted out. Unless they don't because someone took their place. And that player still isn't voted out because they go somewhere that they might be able to get back in the game. Unless they don't. With an idol. Which they could leave with. Or not. But at least they actually got to play the game. Unless they were voted out before it started. Which they could be. Because this is -- something. And the name of that something is 'Stupid'.

There is only one thing we can count on with this latest proof that with poor duplication equipment, each successive copy of a copy gets progressively more blurry than the original until it can no longer be read at all. And that is simply this: the host will declare it to be one of the Best Seasons Ever. Because he thought up all of it, at least to whatever degree thought was actually involved. And every opinion he listens to insists that statement is true, especially since the only one he hears belongs to him.

He's right, you know. It will be one of the Best Seasons Ever. In fact, it'll be the best there ever was. And how can I say that? Because this is the first season of something new, something strange, something that might sort of have trends connecting it to the original but not really, and therefore it is the best simply because there is nothing else to compare itself to for its own run, trip, and fall.

Put against the former real show, however... it's gonna pretty much svck. And blow. At the same time.

Do you know what you should do about it? Go watch Total Drama All-Stars. That host just spent a year in prison for destroying his filming site. Don't you wish something would happen to ours where he at least has to spend some time being broken out of his This Is All Perfect trance by raw force?

But you're watching this, aren't you?

Welcome to Bloody Hell. Abandoning all hope is mandatory.

Put it together with the burning of the hamster cage and we could be looking at the worst three hours on CBS ever. Fear.