15 minutes to show time.

Assistant: Sir we have a problem.
Arnold Shapiro: And that would be?
Asst: Well we’ve still got too many Houseguests.
AS: I though they assured me that by now given the cast we have and the torture we designed someone was certain to have quit by now so we wouldn’t run over on our allotted weeks.
Asst: Well Ashlea did leave sequester…
AS: She was already evicted. They assured me that our continual rigging of the game against certain players would force a quit.
Asst: It appears by banding together they are more resilient than we thought.
AS: They assured me that Latina one would crack. What about Janelle winning the phone call.
Asst: That was brilliant sir.
AS: Wait, are you sure {counts for a minute} there are the two guys left and four girls {checks calendar} why are we even having this conversation?
Asst: You forgot Beau.
AS: Beau who?
Asst: The guy we cast to let Marcelles know he was replaceable as a host for Housecalls.
AS: He is still there? Are you sure?
Asst: Yep.
AS: Darn, then we need to get rid of an extra Houseguest, but how?
Asst: We still have the Double Elimination Program we can download into the ChenBot.
AS: I know! We will just use the Double Elimination Program we downloaded in the ChenBot a few weeks ago. Ahhhhh yesssss, that will do nicely. The cameramen need some time off to get those twitches and hysterical deafness problems treated anyway.
Asst: Brilliant sir! Two birds with one stone.

And so we begin.

Recrap: April wins HOH so the Fiendsheep dominate two weeks in a row. April explains the process for backdooring someone. She completes step one by nominating Janelle and Howie. When James is not chosen for competing in the POV his remaining neurons connect the dots that he is going to be backdoored. All the houseguests but James root in the mud for keys to compete for the Power of Veto which April wins {now we know why she had that nose job, to get rid of the pig snout}. Ivette tries to convince them to evict Janelle and save James from the plan with the same level of success she has had in every competition so far and Janelle is saved and James is nominated for eviction. Who will be evicted Howie or James, stay tuned while See-BS tries to mislead you for the next 35-40 minutes.

Theme music and opening sequence.

Chenbot comes on wearing a black top with enough white trim on it one could use it as a signaling device to attract attention of military helicopters when you need to be evacuated from the roof of a building. She goes over the whole recrap in case anyone didn’t understand it the first time around.

And the Double Eviction Program Initiates. Same set up as last time.

But before the live vote lets see if James tries to continue his streak to be the first houseguest so eviction proof they have to cast him for the next series. After all some stunts are just too lame for any reality series to use.

Through the use of videotape they once again remind us of how one generally, and April specifically goes about backdooring someone {what is the fascination in the editing with April and backdoors?} James explains they should have put him up against Janelle because it was bad for the Fiendsheep for him to be up against Howie. Yeah James, Janelle wouldn’t have anything resembling the same ideas that Howie does about evicting people.. He admits to Ivette that against Janelle he’d have a chance to save himself, but not against Howie.

James and Ivette hug like people who might never see each other again in this lifetime. Maggie notices that they seem to have an emotional connection. Maggie says it is strategically bad for Ivette to hang onto him. Or is that it would be strategically better for Maggie if Ivette just played her role as pawn like a good girl and didn’t think about what might be best for her. After all dragging James to the end would probably get her more votes than being there with any of the Fiendsheep.

James works Ivette to try to save himself. He asks who made the decision to get rid of Janelle to figure out who to pull to his side and seems to wonder why Ivette would stay loyal to an alliance that holds the majority {lets see, um it is a numbers game and you stay where the numbers help you?} Ivette works Maggie to make her vote to keep James, but ruining this bit of misdirection in the diary room Maggie says she just told Ivette what she wanted to hear. Seems she is tired of repeating the same negative stories over and over and over. Be careful sistah, talk like that will get you thrown out of the Fiendsheep as the rest of your little group just lives for that.

James and Howie start the whole you really should evict the other guy campaign. In the process Howie wakes Ivette up from her afternoon nappy time. So now James decides to go after Janelle to add to the Beau and Ivette pair to save his butt for another week. And in the misdirection editing cut number two Janelle wonders in the diary room if maybe she would have a better chance with James since he does better in the competitions than Howie who has been slacking in that area. James lies to Ivette about Janelle pinkie swearing, because he would lie about a dead Grandmother if that hadn’t been done already to get another week in the game. James tells Ivette that if she just does this one thing she will own the game. James, only if you can win the HOH for her like you won the power of veto for Sarah.

The Chenbot is back and going to talk to the houseguests in the living room.

She starts by talking to Janelle about winning America’s Choice and getting a phone call from Michael. Janelle is so happy that Michael hasn’t found someone else to bang while she is stuck in the house and it meant so much that Big Brother America chose her.

Now for the most inane fan questions they could pull out of the mailbag.

Maggie you look great, what are you doing to lose weight?
Between the running and working out every day and being around these wonderful…

Gag. Twitch. What! I can’t hear anything! Twitch. I’ve gone deaf!! What’s happening to me!!! Oh yeah right, just Fiendsheep overload. Take a deep breath. Turn the tape back on…ACK volume down volume down…

Ivette in the increasingly unlikely event we can manage to devise a competition we can rig so you can win HOH, what do you want to find in your room?
Ah, how sweet. A picture of your girlfriend. Aw. Maybe you could win America’s Choice for HOH with that sweet sentiment…

Ouch Ouch I sprained my sarcasm muscle. Ice pack!! ICE PACK!!! Ahhhh…

A Question for Beau’s Hat, which houseguest would be the worst permanent roommate?
Howie because his stuff is all over the place {are we talking about the stuff from the live feeds because that is just gross} no wait it is Janelle’s stuff is what is really all over the house and that would get on my nerves. Who knew hat’s had nerves? Who knew a hat couldn’t tell the difference between Howie stuff and Janelle stuff?

After the break we get to find out if April’s family has been allowed to watch the live feeds unfiltered by See-BS.

AS: is Operation Redemption in place.
Asst: Yep Sorority sisters have had false memories implanted, the Husband’s live feed
Access was all replaced with skits done by the actors that did the Michael Jackson Trial.
AS. Thank goodness that actor with the funny nose was available and willing to go blond.
Asst: Another Brilliant Choice! Sir, we did have some problems with the dog. Apparently it wouldn’t cooperate even with the drugs, so the ChenBot engineers put a dogbot together for the show.
AS: Good, very good.

Wow they programmed the ChenBot to say April is a powerful player in the game without shorting out. April saying the same brak over and over again, with clips inserted of friends and family back home. Her pledge sisters say she is bright and graduated
Magna Cum Laude. They do note that sometimes she does talk too much. Now cut to April’s husband Matt. {setting off the gaydar I see the whole April backdoor thing in a new light. Off to change my selection on which houseguest will be revealed as a transsexual in the RTW pool} He thought Howie was a goof at first but doesn’t like how he treated his wife. Matt, honey, child, big-boned is what your parents call you when they want to spare your feelings when you are a kid. Matt comforts the wiener dog wait what do you mean it isn’t a wiener dog Miniature Schnauzer Pepperoni about Howie not wanting to eat him. Matt enjoys seeing April grubbing around in the mud, and seems to think she could win this thing.

AS: Why is the dog a Schnauzer? Everyone knows Pepperoni is a name for a wiener dog.
Asst: I’m sure the robot engineers did the best they could, sir.

The Chenbot now interviews April in the HOH bedroom.

Some of your fellow houseguests thought you were a weak competitor. Was losing every competition your way of staying under the radar, because you couldn’t accomplish that by shutting up now could you?
It absolutely was. Then goes on and on about the whole just here to make friends have a vacation. but since they took out Jennifer I knew I needed to step it up to save my bony behind so I started actually trying to play the game.

Is Maggie your new partner?
Yes but we won’t tell anyone because we can’t imagine they would ever figure it out on their own.

Ivette is part of your alliance, but recently she has given you every reason to believe she is a mentally unstable backstabber who has thrown her lot in with James?
I really believe her loyalty is with me because we are so much alike. We just keep feeding her the Kool-Aid and we know that no matter what un-natural attachments she makes she will stay loyal to Cappy, I mean us.

After the break. Have Jennifer and Rachel killed each other in the jury house yet.

Chenbot repeats the speech from the last double eviction about letting the houseguests know at the last minute, but first, to the jury house. How did Jennifer react to Rachel showing up? Jennifer really likes the sequester house and how relaxing it is not being in the game. Balloons spelling out, “J-Blo so good to see you go,” float peacefully over the house. Jennifer wants someone from the other group to show up but fears that it will be Rachel who will kill her with the ever-so-lethal death ray of boredom.

Since she is the one Jennifer wants to see the least, she runs up to her and hugs all over her like her long lost pledge sister. Jennifer gives Rachel and us a tour of the house. Look a handy deck railing and you can toss you enemies over it into a pond, with fish . These Big Brother people put in all the amenities don’t they? Rachel pulls out the tape of clips to see what had happened in the house since Jennifer left. However, it won’t have any of the really juicy stuff. Jennifer looks over and gives Rachel her patent pending smug smirk of evil when the nomination scene is played. Jennifer rolls her eyes while Rachel says something about how badly April was doing the POV competition and Jennifer just can’t believe they zoomed in on Kaysar’s picture. The voices in her head are telling her how loved she is by America for stirring things up like that. When the clip of James not using the POV comes up Jennifer just squeals out how much she wuvs her group. Once Rachel stops puking long enough to talk she hopes Jennifer gets some friends in the jury house real soon.

After the break the four houseguests who can cast votes will so do live After all just like every other vote this season the nominated people and the HOH do not vote. But first what they said about the nominees in the diary room.

Maggie: They are both equal threats either one could knock me people out of the game.
Beau: It is good that James is close to Ivette because he can protect me from having to listen to her talk all the time.
Ivette: James is our savior, there are 101 reasons to keep him.
Janelle: James would help me stay in the game until he needed to sell me out. But it would hurt Howie if I voted for him.
Beau: I like when Howie flirts with me.
Ivette: Howie gets along with people even though he is annoying when he does so.
Janelle: Lately Howie hasn’t won any competitions, but I still think we can beat the Nerd-herd
Maggie: If James stays and Howie goes home I am in big trouble.

Chenbot reminds us of who is up for eviction, again, in case we forgot. The votes will be cast live but first lets make the process more painful and drawn out by talking to the nominee’s first.

Howie pleads his case with: I’m useless for anything except making April catch fire and win competitions.
James pleads his case with: Thanks to my family and thanks to the houseguests for being so pathetic winning every POV was a cakewalk, just joking. If I leave tonight I know my eviction was strategic.

Chenbot tries to convince us each person will vote to evict Howie.

Maggie votes to evict James
Beau votes to evict James
Ivette votes to evict James
Janelle votes to evict James

Hugs all around and James is sent off to say hi to Jennifer and Rachel. Janelle jokes she only voted for James as Howie cleaned the bathroom for her. James thinks the others were all a bit crazy, and they just wanted him out real bad. He knows it was strategy. James is asked if he would have stayed loyal if not nominated by Howie. He says he would have.
Once everyone was after him he just wanted to take out as many people as he could. He also says that his friendship with Ivette was real and he will keep in touch with her after the game.

Now for the taped goodbye messages.

Ivette: I didn’t give you the sympathy vote. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.
Janelle: I couldn’t pick you over Howie.
Howie: FIVE POV’s
April: You play too well so you have to go like all good players
Beau: Took five weeks to get you out of here.
Maggie: I really am an ER nurse

James says Maggie and him have become close in a combative way. When we return the HOH competition.

Playing it Straight is the name of the game. They roll the bowling ball down a beam and where it falls off determines how many points they get.

Maggie gets 2 points first roll and 5 points for the second roll for a total of 7
Beau gets 5 points first roll and 6 points for the second roll for a total of 11
Ivette gets 5 points first roll and 4 points for the second roll for a total of 9
Janelle gets 6 points first roll and 2 points for the second roll for a total of 8
Howie gets 6 points first roll and 6 points for the second roll for a total of 12

Howie is the new HOH. April hands over the key, Howie bows to receive it. After the break they find out it is a double eviction week and Howie will nominate two people.

Howie thanks April for motivating him like he did for her. Chenbot has more inane fan questions. Howie, so what are you looking for in a woman?
You just have to wait and when it is right it will happen.

For Beau’s hat: What would you do with the million?
Give some to charity, some to my family and travel.

For April: What do you wish you had brought into the house from the outside world?
My Pepperoni dog. Chenbot asks. “not your husband?” and she replies with oh yeah, him too.

Chenbot asks Howie if he is thinking about nominations. He asks if this is another double eviction week. DING DING we have a winner. He nominates Ivette and then Beau.

How will the Veto effect the nominations? Who will be evicted? And what special guest will they toss in to give us a very special episode of Big Brother on Saturday? They end the show with a shout out for all the people effected by Katrina and information on contributions can be found at their website.