Tell Mom Not To Watch!
Last time on TAR Lori drank a goblet of warm blood, lost her mind and bit Phil on the neck at the pit-stop causing him to become a freaky, undead vampire who longed to suck the immortal soul from doe-eyed young virgins with heaving bosoms and barely pink nippleage. Which makes him just like all the other Reality TV Show hosts out there. Gus could not find a Speedo large enough to encompass his loins (even in sausage-sucking, beer-swilling HUNGARY) and was eliminated as being too fat for Prime Time TV. Unfortunately, the lovely Hera went down with him.
This week is a non-elimination round. Nothing happens except for some mindless churning. And I? am overjoyed. It’s a dream come true—because I am all about the mindless churning. I feel so free! I can say anything I want and it doesn’t matter because nothing actually happens. The morons and idiots who are here at the beginning of my tale will still be here at the end. Some battered, some bruised, some totally fvcked—but still here. Let’s churn a little…
Our crepuscular crews set out from the HUNGARY pit stop just before and after midnight. Even though they won the Fast Forward last time, Bolo and Lolo get barely an hour’s head start. Bolo reads the clue. “Teams must travel 7 miles to Budafvck and find a giant wine cask.” I can’t make up stuff this good! He said “Budafvck” right out loud, right on my TV. (What a nice giggle the TAR producers must have had when they noticed a town called Budafvck in their Frommer’s Guide to European Armpits.)
So they all jump into taxis and drive to Budafvck where we find out the Winery is closed until 10 a.m. Can we say “bunchfest?” The teams sleep on the sidewalk outside, in the order of their arrival. At 10 a.m. sharp the gates swing open. No one is hit in the head this time (too bad) and they wind up running down long, rounded tunnels with low roofs. It’s all so Freudian I can hardly stand it! Also? I have never realized what a maze of tunnels underlies Europe!
Lori and Bori get to the clue first—not because they are fast but because Bori’s head is so large that no one could pass him in the narrow tunnel. Hatin’ and Aaron are close behind. The clue says teams must fly to Corsica then drive themselves to Napoleon Bonaparte’s birthplace in a marked car. I mean to house where Napoleon Bonaparte was born, not to the marked car where he was born.
This clue sets up our weekly Airport Scramble. Jonathan and Victim stop at a travel agency and book the first tickets. Bori and Lolo race to the airport and score the only remaining set of tickets on that same flight.
Meanwhile, Kris and Hot Jon stop at a pet grooming joint and try to contact a travel agent from their telephone. Hot Jon does all the talking while Kris wanders around looking for things that are vibraty or have long, agile tongues. She settles on a large Old English Sheepdog before remembering that she is allergic to dogs. Too late!
Phil’s Bunch-a-Matic Machine has the teams on two flights. Lola & Bola along with Jonathan & Victim arrive first. Mary Adam & Rebuke-uh, Frettie & Kendra, Hatin’ & Aaron all arrive a bit later. They bunch again of course, because the house is closed until morning. I have no idea where they sleep this time.
Bright and early the next morning the bunched teams climb a set of narrow stairs into the actual room where Napoleon was actually born. Somehow, Mary Adam and Rebuke-uh have jumped to the head of the line. A fake Napoleon leers at the cameraman and hands them their next clue—which includes a Fast Forward!!! (Did you see my three exclamation points? I’m trying to generate some excitement here!!! We all saw the previews and we all know that Mary Adam and Rebuke-uh will go for the Fast Forward. They will suck at it. Sucking is the only life skill Mary Adam possesses.)
Speaking of sucking, I have decided that writing a non-elimination episode sucks after all. I am considering abandoning this effort. What’s the worse that can happen? Will Webmaster AyaK fly to the Midwest and spank me? I don’t think so! Will the beautiful Bebo whip off her blue dress and beat me senseless with it? Uh… Gee! She is pretty strict. I guess that I will keep writing…
The Fast Forward.
Jonathan & Victim decide they will try for the Fast Forward also, but arrive to see Mary Adam & Rebuke-uh already putting on the diving suits. This is Victim’s fault. Now they have to rejoin the other teams in a 100 mile drive to (?)Calvi(?) where they will find their next clue at Camp Refill, a French Foreign Legion Training Camp. Jonathan is so pissed! He yells at Victim and waves his arms wildly as they drive. Victim says “You are going to drive me to suicide—that’s what you want, isn’t it?” “Yeah!” yells Jonathan. “Suicide! It’s all your fault!” I yell at my TV, “No! Please! We need a murder/suicide here! Neither one of you deserves to live! First murder, then suicide, and I don’t care who goes first!”
Meanwhile, back at the harbor, Rebuke-uh is pushing ahead with the Fast Forward, ignoring Mary Adam’s whiney-ass misgivings. She, after all, is a certified diver. Who cares what whiney Mary Adam wants or needs?
They are dressed in diving suits from a museum. Remember the old B&W film of Jules Verne’s classic ‘20,000 Leagues Under the Sea’, and the diving suits they had on the submarine, the Nautilus? These are those same suits. Huge, bulky things with screw-on metal plates and full helmets and little glass faceplates. The boots alone must weigh a hundred pounds!
Rebuke-uh suits up, jumps in and goes for it. Poor little Mary Adam freaks out. He can’t swim, he can’t go down. He bobs around like a piece of shit that just won’t flush. I am suddenly reminded of how they used to test for Witchcraft back in the Dark Ages. In a process called “Dunking” they would tie weights to the feet of a suspected witch and throw him or (more likely) her into a pond. If they sunk they were human. If they floated they were Demon Spawn. Mary Adam’s little Hell Horns seem to work—the only part of him that does. Even when three other divers climb on top of him to help—he can’t go down.
Rebuke-uh reaches the underwater lobster trap and retrieves the clue. Mary Adam is heaved back onto the dock sobbing, in a panic. Rebuke-uh tells him in her best mommy voice to just “Go down and do it! Do it for me!” Since she uses her mommy voice, Mary Adam complies.
Now there has been all kinds of speculation around here that Mary Adam is gay. I disagree. Homosexuality is an adult behavior, and Mary Adam is not yet an adult. He’s just a baby boy who would like nothing better than to lie in bed, tightly swaddled, and suck on his mommy’s teat. I speculate that he slept in the maternal bed until about age 9 when mom finally kicked him out because of… well, you know. Which also explains why he can’t go down. Bad boy!
Meanwhile, Hatin’ & Aaron are lost. They started out trying to follow Frettie & Kendra in the so-called Snob Model Alliance. Hatin’ can’t decide whether to drive (badly) or read the map (badly). She settles on switching places with Aaron every 2 or 3 miles. They lose sight of Frettie & Kendra during one of these switches and get lost anew every time they switch. They fall way, way behind. The Bunch-a-Matic Machine is going to have to work overtime to fix this mess! Does anyone care?
Actually, the only reason I am still writing this pathetic summary is because I promised Wheezy I would use three words of her choice in the writing. See I suspected a non-elimination round and I wanted to be sure that at least one person would read this thing to the bitter end. So Wheezy? Pay attention. I will begin using your words in the next paragraph…
Two choices await the teams once they arrive at Camp Refill. These choices are “Climb Up” or “Fly Behind”. In “Climb Up” teams must clamber to the top of a 45 foot tall, rock cliff-face and find a Legionnaire who will hand them medals inscribed “Ennui. Dishabille. Stupidity.” Then they have to rappel down an even bigger 75 ft. cliff while wearing their medals. They receive their next clue at the bottom on the cliff. My personal hope is that someone’s medal will become entangled in the rappelling gear and break their neck. But, like I said at the start, this is a non-elimination round, and I know I will be disappointed..
In “Fly Behind” one team member is pulled in a bouncy rubber raft behind the speeding boat of the other team member, who has to look for specially marked buoys with clues attached. Jonathan and Victim briefly consider climbing, but then Jonathan points out that his only functioning muscle group is his mouth parts. So they decide to look for buoys. Victim will ride in the boat and do the actual looking, which is the hard part. Jonathan will ride in the wave-skimming raft and yell obscenities with his mouth parts. The boat driver goes faster & faster, trying to unseat the obnoxious Jonathan. Victim, being so far from her dominant partner, misses being yelled at and starts yelling herself.
See, I think Victim relishes being the victim. She sets up her victim experiences very well. She yells at Jonathan and calls him stupid whenever he slacks off on victimizing her. She knows exactly what buttons to push and Jonathan is loaded with buttons. It’s pathologic behavior—but it works for them, I guess. After a couple of wrong buoys they finally find one with a clue and head back.
Meanwhile the hopelessly lost Hatin’ & Aaron have finally reached Camp Refill. As they head back to shore Jonathan & Victim see them starting the climb. It’s a race for last place! Who will be eliminated <snicker>!?!.
The Roadblock: Making Wine
The clue each team receives after the Detour leads to a Roadblock. In a shameless rip-off of the Mole, who did their own shameless rip-off of Lucy Ricardo, teams have to stomp the juice out of a barrel of grapes. They must stomp long enough to express 5 bottles of grape juice, then pour out a glass of this “wine” and drink it to receive their next clue. And since it’s a Roadblock, one team member must do the task while the other team member watches, makes helpful comments, or yells imprecations and maledictions, depending upon their personality.
Frettie & Kendra arrive first. Since Frettie did the last Roadblock and this one seems pretty easy, Kendra does it. Somehow, Jonathan & Victim beat both Kris & Hot Jon and Lori & Bori to the Roadblock. But not to worry— Jonathan is doing this roadblock. True to form, just when it looks like he is going to pull Team Psycho into a close second Jonathan screws up. And it’s Victim’s fault. They yell so loud that it becomes a rhythm for the other teams to stomp to. They yell so loud that a nearby dog cringes and runs for cover. They yell and yell and yell…
Kris is a stomping machine and finishes second. Bolo, who has impressively large—almost Hobbit large—feet finishes his task quickly too. Jonathan, who I must say has very small feet chokes with half a bottle left to fill. He just can’t get any more juice from his barrel, no matter how loudly Victim berates him or how viciously they yell about losing. Hatin’ and Aaron actually catch up to them at this point!
Jonathan is all bad attitude. He also displays crassitude, ingratitude, hebetude, vicissitude and ineptitude. Dude! Get a clue!
A Race to the Mat (As If It Matters)
Mary Adam & Rebuke-uh have already arrived, and won a trip to somewhere. Frettie & Kendra arrive second. Lori & Bori arrive barely ahead of Hot Jon & Kris and manage to hold them off in a foot race to the finish.
Jonathan & Victim get stuck in traffic and yell obscenities, although no blows are exchanged within view of the camera. They are so sure all is lost that they walk to the finish mat. No, let me rephrase that—they lollygag to the finish mat. Jonathan fairly drags his ass down the path. Which allows Frettie & Kendra to almost catch up to them.
Victim spots the actors and yells (of course) at Jonathan. “Hurry up!” “They’re here!” “They’ll catch us!” “We’re gonna looooose!!!” Jonathan, clueless idiot, barely breaks into a jog. You see, he can’t see the other team yet (which is Victim’s fault). Finally he sprints a little and Team Psycho reaches a visibly pissed off Phil. But hey—at least Victim isn’t crying this time!
Hatin’ & Aaron arrive last and you know the rest. No Philimination this time.
Next week, all Hell breaks loose as Victim, while digging around in a quagmire, injures her hand. It’s her own fault of course, but it does set up a scenario wherein everyone yells at Jonathan. I can’t wait!