Alrighty folks, let’s get right down to it…Last month on The Amazing Race:
-Jon yells at Gus for screwing up their chances of winning (yells at Gus, not Victoria? Is that right… huh, guess he’s an equal opportunity verbal abuser).
-Everyone drove tiny clown cars.
-Lori and Bolo had clown car trouble and ended up stuck at a train station alone with no trains leaving until the next morning.
-We got a bizarre “To be Continued…” and we’ve been waiting ever since!
So, here we go. We begin this episode as everyone waits to get into an internet club to check their Philmail. It opens at 10 pm and they start piling in, team after team to view some AOL product placement in the form of an email telling them to go to a Rail museum and ride a tiny train car. (Hmmm, tiny clown cars, tiny train cars, Jonathan’s tiny brain… bit of a theme going here.)
Teams burst out onto the street to find cabs. Evil Jon (not to be confused with Hot Jon) yells at Victoria that they are “In a race! R.A.C.E, Victoria”. While he’s yelling at her, he misses getting a cab, which leads his yelling “What part of ‘hold a cab’ don’t you understand? That’s why women don’t rule the world!” Oh my god, Jon, you are so right. I never realized it was our inability to hold cabs that was holding us back. Ok ladies, you heard the bastard, start holding those cabs… world domination, here we come!!!
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Back in Lori and Bolo’s night of living train hell, Bolo asks someone else if there are any trains and discovers that there is one coming that they can catch. Lori, who looks like someone hit her with a truck, doesn’t seem to care. They catch the train at 2am, make it to the internet club to grab their clue, bad attitude intact, and end up first in line, sleeping on a bench, for the next morning’s tiny train ride
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Next morning everyone arrives and all line upat the gate in sort of a bunching fashion (that’s right, TAR producers, I’m lookin’ at you!) to race for clues. All bunched together, they run under the gate, but Freddy and Hera get clocked by the gate as it comes back down. Hera obviously bears the brunt of the hit, but Little Baby Freddy starts whining like a five year old at a supermarket checkout.
There’s a mad grab for the placement numbers for the tiny train ride. Lori and Bolo get the first one. Freddy gets the second last one and goes nuts, yelling “When I find who pulled the gate down, it’s someone’s #####!” and “One of you, I will break in half” (apparently starting with their ##### for some reason).
Lori and Bolo take the tiny train ride with Lori and her new found pissy attitude yip yapping away. “Don’t mean we’re ahead.” she says as they ride away, ahead of everyone. They get the clue, which includes… the first of two Fast Forwards. They decide to take it (duh) and off they go, complaining about finding a cab.
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Back in Tiny Trainville, Kris and Jon hop on. Kris comments that “Oooooo, it’s very vibraty!”. The camera then cuts away to a roaring fire and a bear skin rug… what? Oh… wait, that’s MY fantasy with Hot Jon… focus girl, you’re writing a summary here. Whew.
Rebecca and Adam go next and actually seem to be enjoying something together for the first time since Adam’s happy sausage stuffing event. (Snicker) Other teams ride uneventfully, except Freddy, who is still moaning “My face, my beautiful face!”, and Evil Jon who reminds Victoria they are in a race. Sigh, if she could only forget.
They all head for cabs, going to a small island on the Danube. Freddy gets into a cab and says “We need to get to the Danube!” Hee hee, note the centre of the map of Europe. Idiot.
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Detour!: Swim (fast) or Paddle (slow)
Teams must score a goal against a top Hungarian Water Polo goalie or inflate and paddle a raft across the Danube. Everyone except Gus and Hera go for the Water Polo, which is lucky for them, as the top Hungarian Water Polo goalies apparently suck big time and teams are done in mere seconds (according to the faultless TAR editing department). Gus and Hera go for the raft, with is lucky for us, as we miss the sight of Gus in a speedo (whew!) but puts them WAY behind.
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Fast Forward!: Drink Pig’s Blood as a Tribute to People Who Drink Blood
Lori and Bolo arrive and meet up with a production assistant in a robe who tells them they “BOTH MUST DRINK!!!”. Ooooooo! They chug back those glasses of blood like they’re both wrestlers who would do that in the ring to impress a crowd. Wow! They get the FF and zip off to the Pit Stop. A first place finish, the win a trip to Europe “to enjoy after the race.” Bet they’re going to come back for more blood.
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Roadblock!: Eat a 24 Ounce Bowl of Spicy Hot Soup
Hot Jon digs in first, as the peppy (read: irritating) band starts up a nice (read: painful) tune to keep the racers eating. Evil Jon and Victoria join them and Victoria starts eating while Evil Jon yells at the band. Then realizes he’s yelling at someone other than Vic and starts in on her. Vic threatens to stop until Jon shuts up. (Flash to Phil “I’m sorry to tell you all the other teams are at the pit stop, apparently Jon just can’t shut up.” Wishful thinking…)
Hot Jon finishes his soup without much difficulty, although he leaves looking rough. Aaron and Rebecca join the table, while Hayden joins the “harass your partner” area and Adam unexpectedly joins the “Support your partner” area.
Victoria is the first to (shudder) break the seal, as it were, and hurls. Aaron follows her lead, aaaaaaand they’re off! Back and forth, Victoria hurls, Evil Jon tells her she’s a drama queen. Aaron hurls, Hayden tells him to eat faster. This is the grossest race I’ve ever seen.
While Freddy runs in to join Hurlfest, 2004, Rebecca heads out. She, being the best hot soup eater of the lot, saves the puking for the bushes outside the restaurant then heads for a cab. Yay Rebecca, you’ve gained respect points from Adam (not that you’ll ever wanna cash them in) and us (might help you in All-Star TAR auditions.) Way to eat some soup, girl!
Victoria and Aaron finally finish their soup and leave. Thank God, any more of this constant puking and I’m going to sue CBS. We can do that now, right? Freddy looks to have broken the curse and sets a good pace with the soup. Until his ever supportive partner Kendra points out how well he is doing by showing him the puke the others left on the floor. He pukes in his own soup, shows Kendra and the camera. Then (shudder) eats the rest of the soup. Kendra cries, I cry, you probably are crying too at this point. Class action law suit anyone?
Gus arrives and starts on his soup alone, with no problems. Someone get that man a gigantic beer!
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Pit Stop
It’s a race to the pit stop for second place: Hot Jon vs. Evil Jon. Now we all know how this is going to go.
EJ: “Come ON Victoria, we’re going to lose!”
HJ: “Good job, Babe, keep running”
EJ: “Stop crying, Drama Queen”
HJ: “Keep it up, we’re almost there!”
Hot Jon and Kris make it there first, wow. Positive support wins over evil yelling, who knew! Happy dance for the happy couple. Victoria and Evil Jon make it there for third. Phil’s distaste for Jon is written all over his face, and I love it.
Rebecca and Adam versus Hayden and Aaron next. H&A outrun R&A for fourth place.
Freddy and Kendra arrive, with Freddy still nursing his invisible head wound. Then, somehow Gus and Hera arrive. Weren’t they like, an hour behind? Guess not, how could I doubt the Tar editing department and their spot on portrayal of arrival times?
Anyway, there’s yet another exciting (read: fake) race to the finish and… gasp, Freddy and Kendra come out ahead (by an hour)!
Nice sweet “My dad rocks” and “My kid is great” blurbs from Gus and Hera. Too bad, but one bad decision too many. See you at Octoberfest, Gus!
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Next Week on The Amazing Race
-Shocking development! Aaron realizes that Hayden is a b!tch. And Hayden doesn’t think she is. Oh god, how will I last a week waiting for that???
-Adam loves his mommy and can’t seem to go down in a deep sea diving suit. He needs three guys in wet t-shirts to help. Hey, I’m only reporting the facts here.
-TAR editing department enchants us with further "exciting" races and "no" bunching. Woooo, can't wait!
Disco ball in the oven
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