Episode 4 Diary
Air Date: 04/28/2004
I felt very confused while I waited for the women to arrive tonight. I kept trying to think of questions I needed to ask and signs I needed to look for. It's difficult going into a Rose Ceremony not knowing how it's going to end, but what made tonight particularly difficult was that the roses meant I was going to meet families. The stakes were higher — a mistake would be costly.
The environment in the house was so different from the past Rose Ceremonies. It seems like yesterday when there were 25 women downstairs, and it was like a big party. Tonight there were six women left and I felt the anxiety all around the house. Before the party started, I had already given out two roses in my head — the other two were up for grabs. In the end, I cut Karen and Suzie.
Karen and I just didn't have enough time — I felt like I was taking too great a leap of blind faith. Meeting families is too important to me, and if I meet someone else's family, I'd at least like to have a pretty good feeling for who they are and where they come from. With Karen it was just too uncertain.
The time I spent with Suzie tonight was just like every other time we've had together. We get along so well and we're so compatible in so many ways. Suzie easily possesses the qualities I look for in a woman. It was a very difficult decision, but I had to go with my gut.
I have to admit now I'm wondering if I made a mistake by not giving Suzie a rose. It's hard because this is my decision, but it makes me wonder when I get such strong reactions from these other ladies. When I called Trish's name to give her my third rose, she accepted and as she walked back, I looked at Tara. Tara had this look on her face like, "What are you doing?" And I look at Jessica B., and she couldn't even look at me. She looked at the ground, and then at Tara as if saying, "Are you serious?"
Based on what I saw, I wondered again if there's something I'm missing. But this is my decision, and I gave Trish a rose because it's what I believe. There are a lot of things the other women know about Trish that I don't, but there are also a lot of things that I know about Trish that the women don't. I wanted Trish to know that I don't judge people by things they've done in the past. As long as they feel like they've learned from their mistakes, I think they ultimately become better people. But I know the other girls don't like Trish. Obviously she's done or said something in that house that is pretty powerful. My biggest fear for tonight was I would maybe send the right girl home and keep the wrong girl. And I'm second-guessing myself right now. Sometimes you have to realize a poor investment and cut your losses; I can't decide if this is one of those times.
I never thought being the Bachelor would take this kind of emotional toll. I was way more confident going in than I should have been. There have been times where I've felt great but, to be honest, I didn't think I'd feel like I do tonight. I don't feel so good. I should be really excited, and in a lot of ways I am, but I'm also confused.
Looking forward, I'm so excited to meet the families of these four unbelievable women. I'm really hoping it'll clear some things up for me. It's also a little stressful; there's a good chance that the next time I see one of these parents, I'll be engaged to their daughter. And as exciting as that is, it's also a bit eye opening for me. It's kind of a shock, but that's what makes this week so special.
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