Average Joe – Episode 2 Summary

It’s Joe night, and all I can say is I’m glad Joe Schmo is over; otherwise it would just be too hard to keep track of what’s what. Anyway, after a two episode Joe Millionaire mini-marathon, it’s time for the second installment of Average Joe, the reality dating show that seeks to answer the question of whether beauty queen Melana Scantlin can find the man of her dreams within the nightmare of flesh and bone that awaits her. I’m here to give you a male point of view on the Average Joe concept, and as an Average Joe myself, I’m more than qualified to reflect on this subject.

First, I want you to understand my take on this show. I don’t buy the basic premise, which seems to be that Melana can’t have it all, she must choose between strikingly handsome and good personality because men with both qualities don’t exist. You only have to look as far back as NBC’s For Love or Money 2 to find evidence to the contrary. How would either Wade or Vic compare to any of these men? From what I saw last week, Melana would be smart to leave this desert wasteland, find either one of these two men, and stalk them until she has a ring on her finger.

My theory is that people judge potential mates on a sliding scale that I’ve narrowed down to five categories – looks, personality, wealth or prospects for wealth, intelligence, and intangibles. Most people match up with someone who’s in their “looks” category. Sometimes, there is a 2-3 point swing, but other qualities must make up the difference.

As the episode begins, last week’s bootees say goodbye. John is broken up because its like his best friends (of two days) are leaving. Unlike most manly men, John has no problem showing his sensitive side, as we are going to see more than once this episode.

Life must go on, and the Joes are showing off and recreating with each other for a while until Tony Gonzalez, a football player for the Kansas City Chiefs walks in. He’s there to shape the guys up, and maybe let them display their athletic ability. Tony says that overall it’s an “interesting” group, as we see shots of Adam dumping food on his head (I can’t tell if it’s the main course or a dessert); Joe treading water in the pool while guzzling adult beverages straight from the pitcher; Craig cannonballing into the swimming pool (why don’t heavy guys ever DIVE into a pool?), and Brad doing a standing quadruple spin. Actually, this is pretty impressive. Have you ever tried to do this? One spin is hard enough; four spins means he’s done this before. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was a figure skater, dancer, or gymnast in a previous life. It would explain a LOT of things actually.

Tony alerts them that Melana is coming over, and recommends they tidy up the house, which has turned into quite a pigsty. Apparently our Average Joe’s are below average housekeepers. Next, they head to the lawn. Melana bounces onto the lawn ready for football, complete with her crop-top style KC Chiefs jersey. I’m pretty sure the guys are all thinking how they’d love to play a game of touch (football, of course). The guys show off their blocking skills and their touchdown dances, then have a friendly scrimmage. All I see is a pile of bodies, with the ball holder at the bottom. Is that Craig or Joe diving on to the top of the pile? Ouch! When I was a kid, they used to call this game “Smear the Queer”. I wonder what they call it now? The football game is over and it’s time for Tony to leave. Melana gives him a goodbye hug. Is it my imagination, or does Melana whisper that Tony should call her later for some full-contact activity?

John is talking about his high school football days, which is an invitation for Zach to pick on him. They exchange words and John asks Zach to leave the show like Zach kept threatening to do before the first elimination ceremony. Zach isn’t intimidated. Dennis pulls John away and they go into the kitchen to discuss things. John is quite distraught and is crying for the second time this episode, and we’re only 10 minutes in! The scene cuts to a Zack confessional where Zach says “it’s a myth to me why John is still here.” Okay, that sounded really intelligent. Did you mean it’s a mystery, or were you lisping? As John and Dennis are talking in the kitchen, I notice a few things. First, the slogan on John’s T-shirt is “Question Reality”. Wow, he’s on a reality show wearing a T-shirt that commands viewers to question reality. After looking at the “which ones are actors” thread on this forum, I begin to wonder if there is a hidden meaning in John’s textile message. Second, several product logos are blurred out so they can’t be identified. A few clicks of my TiVO remote and I’ve figured out that these are a six-pack of C*rona beer, and 12-paks of C*ca-C*la and M*untain Dew. Since M*untain Dew and C*ke are competing brand names, it looks to me like they couldn’t get a beverage sponsor at all. However, I also notice that the Dixie cups are NOT blurred out. Should Dixie be insulted, or did the Dixie company fork over some product placement cash?

The men gather by the pool, and the lovely, funny Kathy Griffin makes her first appearance this episode, explaining that Melana will take the guys on three group dates. At the end of each, she’ll pick one guy from the group to share dinner with that evening. She wishes the men good luck and makes her exit while all the men applaud – except for Tareq– he IS a PhD, and clapping is beneath him!

Group Date 1 – Two Bunch Palms Spa

We are first treated to slow-motion footage of Melana disrobing. It’s from the back of course, but it’s expertly filmed to the point where I feel the need to adjust my sitting position slightly. Ahem.

Melana lays (lies?) face down on the massage table, and apparently, the men will take turns massaging Melana’s naked back for 10-15 minutes. First up is Tareq, and he impresses her with his intellectual psycho babble. Next comes the diminutive Marc and his opening line is “ how you doin’ down there?”; a line I’m sure he’s received quite often. This is when I first notice the camera mounted on the floor below Melana, which catches her facial expressions perfectly. I’m guessing these are the same expressions she used on Meet My Folks when her suitor’s Dirty Little Secrets were revealed. Her reactions to Marc reveal that he will NOT be getting the dinner date tonight. She asks Marc what he thinks about Zach and Marc tells her Zach is a bully and a womanizer. Melana’s reaction is “Ewww”.

Joe comes in next and at first I can’t see him, as his outfit blends in perfectly with the background. I can’t figure out what it is he’s wearing, but it’s not the best look. Another strike against Joe, which is going to make things tough since we know he has to be nearly perfect to overcome his considerable girth.

Brad is the last man in and is taken aback by the sight of Melana on the massage table. They are conversing, and he proclaims that touch is important to him and he’s a cuddler. The next sentence, he’s telling Melana that he’s had sex “with very, very, very few people”. At first, it sounds inappropriate to make this huge jump from talking of cuddling to citing his sexual history, but a replay shows that this scene was edited and there was a break between these two statements. Still, all of America is wondering what he means by very few people. Could he have been more specific by saying very few women, or if that’s not quite accurate, then maybe very few females? Brad, you’ve got some ‘splainin to do!

Massage is over, and it’s time for the men to get their mud baths. Tareq and Marc immerse themselves in the mud. Joe sticks his feet in and announces he wants someone to trim his toenails because he can’t reach them! I’m confused. Does he want a spa attendant to trim his toenails, or is he listing qualities he desires in a mate? Brad removes ALL his clothing to join Tareq in a mud bath. He calls it strategy – all the guys will be talking about HIM. He covers his bits and pieces as he climbs in, but, sadly, one hand provides sufficient coverage. Brad – jumping naked into a mudbath with another guy is NOT helping you create a macho image, especially after that last scene. You better hope Melana doesn’t come in and notice.

Melana enters the room and chooses Tareq to accompany her to dinner. She wants to continue their earlier conversation. Brad notices that Melana is looking at him the whole time she is explaining her decision to dine with Tareq. And here is where Brad uses the dreaded “C” word, telling us that Melana has chosen to dine with Tareq because Melana and Brad have a connection. Okay.

Malena and Tareq dine and take in the “breathtaking” view of the mountains outside Palm Springs and the bank of industrial windmills which were once a popular tax sheltered investment in California, but now just litter the hillsides. After just getting a double dose of Joe Millionaire in scenic Italy, the idea that these views are breathtaking is almost comical. We learn from Tareq that he’s studying some combination of Artificial Intellegence, philosophy, and computer science. He is 21 going on 56. They are deep in conversation on the couch when we come to one of the most impressive bits of editing in this episode. Tareq is complimenting Melana on her impressive ability to understand AI Philosophy while the camera zooms in on her even more impressive cleavage. Heh! In a shocking twist, Tareq smiles! I don’t think this is the shocking twist they’ve been previewing, but it’s nice to learn he has a set of teeth. Finally, Tareq reveals to viewers that it is the simplicity of her complexity that is the catalyst of his infatuation. Tareq, with a banjo and an acoustic guitar, you could turn that one line into a hit country single! Tareq is falling for Melana.

Group Date 2 – Rock Climbing at Joshua Tree

A new day dawns, and Melana is going rock climbing with Jerry, Dennis, Adam, and Zach. Melana confesses that she is scared. Dennis confesses that he too is scared. Adam confesses that Melana has a great ass. Melana goes first and gets about halfway up the hill before coming down. To give the guys an incentive, she proclaims that the man who gets the farthest up the hill (or makes it to the top the fastest) will accompany her on the solo dinner date. Dennis is first. We learn that he has a hearing loss in both ears and wears hearing aids. In school, he was always the last picked for sports. He’s intimately familiar with the rejection experience. Dennis attacks the hill with determination. He’s clearly frightened and loses his footing twice, but finally makes it all the way to the top. The others are impressed and cheer his effort.

Adam is next and finds the climb is harder than it looks. He doesn’t get very far. Jerry goes third and makes it look pretty easy. He’s at the top! Hey Melana, look at me, I made it! But Melana doesn’t notice. She’s slipped away for a private conversation with Zach. It goes something like this:

Melana: Hey, are you really a jerk like everyone says you are?
Zach: No way!
Melana: Are you a womanizer?
Zach: No way!
Melana: Good because I’m attracted to you. You’re the only cute guy here. You are the King of the Geeks.

Zach is next and he climbs up the hill with the fastest time. He and Melana are both thrilled. They share a picnic, and everything is about him. What does she want to know about him. What did she think when she met him. They end up in the spa, and Zach mentions he wants to kiss her, but she’s uncomfortable with kissing on the first date. Besides, they don’t want to fall into the cliché reality show hot tub scene kiss. But Zach is relentless despite Melana’s attempts to push him away, and eventually she caves. Apparently, they spend the next couple of hours kissing nonstop, despite Zach’s “smoker’s breath”. No Zach, you’re not a womanizer! Finally, Zach suns things up nicely by saying “I think she’d be lucky to end up with me”.

Group Date 3 – Water Chair Skiing in Lake Havasu, AZ

We’re on a boat with the four remaining Joes – John, Craig, D-Lo (David), and Jay. The activity is something I’ve never seen before. It looks like water skiing in a chair; like maybe the wheelchair version of water skiing. It’s not too interesting, so we’ll skip this part. The real action is at the back of the boat where Melana talks privately with the guys one at a time.

First up is John. He’s apparently been paying attention to what pushes her buttons, and has a plan. He’s going to ask her about her religious beliefs in the hopes the topic will earn him the solo date at the end of the day. All in all, it’s pretty sneaky.

Jay is next. He comes in cracking some weak jokes that just aren’t funny, and Melana busts up laughing. It’s strange, and made even stranger by the long pauses between Jay’s comments and her laughter. Something tells me this does not bode well for Jay.

It’s Craig’s turn now, and he doesn’t look like he’s been in the water, so I don’t think he tried the ski chair thing. Craig confides to Melana that he’s not the most beautiful guy, but Melana reminds him that beauty comes from within. Privately, Melana says she’s surprised by the fact that Craig is a sweetheart. Heh. It sounded like a good thing when she said it! Privately, Craig tells us that he has a lot to bring to the table. If she doesn’t realize that, it’s her loss. I’m sorry Craig, but while it’s evident you’ve TAKEN plenty from the table, we’ve seen NOTHING of what you bring to it. Get a real job, find your direction in life, and start a fitness regimen. Maybe then, you’ll find your Melana.

D-Lo is unhappy being the 12th and final guy to spend time with Melana. He’s perturbed because she isn’t listening to what he’s saying. Overall, I get the impression he’s not having much fun. Melana chooses John for the solo date, so his strategy worked. D-Lo isn’t surprised because she seems fidgety and so is John. Wow, with insight like that, I’m surprised she didn’t choose you! Melana and John end up on the beach with a campfire, and John thinks it’s the right time for him to break out into song. It’s a very strange Vienna Boys Choir-esque song, and he doesn’t know all the words. Melana is mortified and embarrassed for him because it was sooo dorky. John thinks it went really well. Melana gives John a short peck of a kiss, and it sends John reeling! He thinks he’s in love! Melana thinks he’s crazy.

Elimination Ceremony –

Time for elimination and Melana comes out to spend a little time with the guys beforehand. John talks to her and is confident he’s staying. Also he uses the “C” word, connection. To me this looks like some serious foreshadowing, and I think he’s going home tonight. Next, Dennis takes Melana aside, and we have a new reality dating show first. Dennis reveals to Melana that HE is a virgin waiting for that special someone. Is Dennis the first male bachelor to reveal his virginhood on a reality dating game? Chuck (of Millie and Chuck) from Amazing Race 4 doesn’t count because that wasn’t a reality dating show.

Anyway, Kathy comes down and has the best line of the night as she says “Sorry to break up the party, but six of you freaks have to get the axe.” I love it!

Melana returns for eliminations and she looks stunning tonight. Her breasts are so perky and spectacular, I’m wondering if the scientists at Victoria’s Secret have developed some amazing new hardware that is making it’s public debut under Melana’s blouse. (My dream job – head of R&D for Victoria’s Secret)

It’s time to boot the bad guys, and the first four are no surprise – Marc, Craig, Jay, and Joe. Joe plays the fat discrimination card noting that everyone who weighs over 200 lbs is on his way home. Of course, he ignores the fact that they all made it to week 2. He also ignores her height discrimination, as everyone under 5’5” tall is also gone. The next boot is D-LO, again, no surprise. It’s time to bid adieu to one more, and that guy is ………..Dennis! Everyone is shocked because they have come to really care for Dennis. It’s a touching moment as Melana says some nice things about Dennis. She has put a lot of thought and sincerity into her goodbye to Dennis. She says privately that Dennis makes everyone think about the person they want to be, and he has made Zach more of a man. Zach is visibly shaken by Dennis’ departure and says that Dennis is someone he would have passed by without even noticing, but now thinks Dennis is the best person he’s ever met. Dennis makes a classy exit. He’s going out a winner. Good for you Dennis. You are my favorite, and I’m sorry to see you go. I would love to see Dennis as the star of a dating show with 16 average looking women!

So that’s the end of episode two, except for the final words of Marc confessing that he dunked Zach’s toothbrush in the toilet as retaliation for the egg incident in week 1. Also, I notice that the disclaimers this week are more descriptive. I’m guessing NBC took a lot of heat for its disclaimers in week 1 and felt the need to clarify. I won’t go into detail, but search the forum. I’m sure there’s a thread on this subject. If not, I’ll start one.

Thanks for taking the time to read my summary, it's my first time. Was it good for you too? Anyway, comments are appreciated, and be sure to tune in next week for AVERAGE JOE!