Previously on the Bachelor:
The spy Jenny was revealed to the viewing audience, her role is to learn all about the women so that she can tell Jesse about it. Jesse narrows the field to 16 but seems to have an eye for Julie and Mandy Jaye. Trish gets a private date to the opera, meanwhile she has no friends back at the house. 10 women are left, but there are only 6 roses…Who will stay?

The show opens with Jenny and Trish sitting at the kitchen table talking. Trish says: “Everyone is like asking me are you all excited about your date? I’m not going to get all excited over ONE date (we learn why later). Yes, I had a fabulous time, yes, it’s going to be something I’ll remember. (Oh really? So will Jesse be #31 or #36, hmmmmmm?) Do I like him? Yes, but at the end of the day I could be packing my bags and going home.” (Yeah right, and aliens could swoop down from outer space and take you to their leader)

Jenny confesses to the camera that she wishes Jesse could see what she sees and hear what she hears. She will tell him everything that is important. To Trish she says “True love starts with friendship first”.

Trish responds, “I get bored” and laughs. (Wow, what an outlook this woman has, I am impressed already)

The first date box arrives, it’s for Suzie! (OMH, those screeches have got to stop, now I see what you mean Doc.) The box is full of film things and the card on it reads “Join me for dinner and a movie, love Jesse” (More crazy screaming, gawd I need to turn the volume down and just pick up the words via closed captioning.)

Jenny tells the camera that she is ecstatic for Jesse to be able to spend some one on one time with Suzie. (Wait, I thought Jesse played football…?)

Evening comes and we see Jesse talking about his impending date, he is very excited and looking forward to some quality time. This is a very important week. There are 9 girls left and he needs to decide which one he is going to spend the rest of his life with. (Does anybody have a barf bag, my stomach doesn’t feel so good all of a sudden.)

Confessional: Trish “I think I’m on a different level than Suzie is. Jesse is here looking for a woman to fit into life. I am elegant, professional, sophisticated, and NOT a blabbering idiot.” (Um, can anybody fill me in as to the reason Trish is so delusional? Did she take some heavy drugs last week? I don’t remember reading that in Doc’s summary…oh well.)

The limo arrives at the theater and on the marquee it says “Welcome Jesse and Suzie”. Suzie is thrilled to see her name in lights and to be on the arm of such a shallow hunk of a man. (OK, I added the word shallow, she didn’t really say that, but seriously, isn’t he?)

Jesse tells Suzie that the tests show that they are the most compatible of the whole group. He wasn’t surprised when he read that either. (Wait, they mixed up the test results. Jesse is really most compatible with Lillian Morris of Survivor Pearl Islands, she has a scout troop and will take really good care of Jesse for the rest of his life. Somebody call the producer please.)

Meanwhile back at the house we have some good stuff heating up with the girls. They are all sitting around the living room playing a drinking game. The game is called “I’ve never” and the rules are quite simple. One girl makes a statement “I’ve never done such and such” and if you have done it, you drink. Sound simple? Good, let’s play.

I never drank before I was 21 (I assume she means alcoholic beverages, or else someone was a very dehydrated child. Could explain the anorexia.)

Several people tip their glasses and drink, including Trish.

I never had sex while I was in college.

Trish drinks.

I’ve never cheated on my boyfriend.

Trish drinks. Karen makes a face.

(You see the pattern forming here? Trish had better watch it or she will end up plastered like Rupert was on Survivor the other night)

I’ve never had a 1 night stand with a man that I never talked to the guy again.

Trish drinks. (Several oh’s and ah’s from the virgins sitting around her.)

Trish finally speaks, laughing she says “By the end of the night yall are not going to like me very much.” (Maybe not, but men now know who to call for a good time)

I’ve never had sex with more then one person in a day.

Trish gulps a few swigs of her grog, a few jaws drop.

I’ve never had sex on a bathroom counter before.
Trish’ drinking must be getting hold of her hearing, she asks for clarification “wait, ON a bathroom counter, any counter?” “Yes”

Trish drinks. Someone pipes in “kitchen counter maybe” and chuckles. Another comments “Trish is going to get drunk, she hasn’t lowered her glass in like 3 minutes”

I’ve never had sex with more people then I can count on one hand.

Trish drinks. Karen asks “Trish did you just drink?” Trish nods and grins.

Both hands?

Trish drinks.

Two hands and a foot?

Trish shouts “You guys I have 7 extra years on most of you!”

“Wait, wait, answer the question, more then 2 hands and 2 feet?” (See the whole game is down the tubs – oops I mean tubes, nobody is playing now they are just asking Trish the questions and watching her chug.)

“So how many?”

Trish: “It’s not that I lost track or anything, it’s just that…”

“You lost track.” Jessica B finishes the sentence for her. (My what a whole room full of Neleh Dennis type girls, poor Trish, I feel bad for her the way they are going on and on and prying into her sex life like that)

Ok, so on it goes. They find out that in the whole list of play things she has had at least one indiscretion with a married man. The whole time this part of the conversation is taking place, all you see is a drunk Trish with the fire in the fireplace directly behind her which conjures images of her burning in hell.

Jessica B confesses: “I was offended. I mean how could you ever sleep with somebody else’ husband? It’s just not right. It really isn’t, it’s just not frickin’ right. And she is PROUD of it, it’s sick.” (Does Jessica know Eminem? Maybe she dated him because he was the lead singer in the band? In any case he is rubbing off on her, so she better frickin’ stop like talking to him or listening to him, you know?)

Jenny is equally disgusted: “Everything that Trish said made me feel disgusted. I happen to be a wife and I know marriages fall apart constantly. (Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity, it’s just a symptom that something else is wrong. Sorry, I blatantly stole that line from my favorite movie “When Harry Met Sally” If you haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend that you buy or rent it. In fact, it is similar to the bachelor in some ways, without all the girls screaming.) And I know that there are people that wreck marriages without even thinking about it. I see her as one of those people. She’s here and she wants to get married to my best friend? Just the ugliness that that is, makes me sick”.

Meanwhile back at the date…who is Jesse on a date with? Oh yes, it is Suzie and they are watching the tail end of some old home videos of her as a naked baby.

She protests “Oh, I didn’t want to see videos of me as a naked baby.”

Jesse counters: “Well I like seeing your naked baby pictures” and he suavely leans in for a lip-lock. (Is he related to Michael Jackson by any chance?)

The next date box arrives, this one is for the odd couple Mandy Jaye and Trish. “Lets share a pint and top it off with the royal treatment. Cheers, Jesse”

Mandy confesses that Trish gets on her nerves and that this date ought to have a lot of drama. A picture of Trish in a Miss America type crown on her head flashes on the screen, the others looked on, annoyed.

Back to Jesse and Suzie, now they are kissing in the limo. “This was the best date ever” Suzie is all excited.

The next morning Suzie and Jenny are chatting in the bedroom. Suzie had such a good time with Jesse, blah, blah, blah. (If Trish plays the role of Rizzo in the movie Grease, ie: trashy and loose, then Suzie fits the role of Sandra D: pure and idealistic. In the words of Rizzo “Miss goody two shoes makes me sick”)

Jesse in confessional states: “I had an amazing time with Suzie last night. That makes this next date with Mandy and Trish even more important.” He doesn’t think that Mandy and Trish will get along together very well. (Um, no comment)

He meets his dates at the front door and says goodbye to all the others. Immediately the two compete for his attention, Trish claims “How hot is my date?” “Mine too” Mandy pipes in.

Mandy tells us that she feels at a disadvantage because Trish has already done Jesse, oops I meant dated him. She has to try her best to attract Jesse today.

They take the bus to a local bar. Jesse is trying to figure out what about Trish that Jenny doesn’t like. They sit in a booth and privately discuss their first date and how Trish told the other girls that they had made out, because well duh, that’s what you are supposed to do! Jesse tells her that really he has never made out on a first date before, but that Trish was the exception. (And of course she doesn’t tell him that he was her first…) She does however say that she is probably the craziest one in the house, Jesse is shocked and doesn’t quite believe it. “You think so?” “Oh yeah” Trish replies.

Back at the house the girls use Trish being gone as a reason to dish her to Suzie. They fill her in on all that was said the night before. Suzie has a hand to her mouth in total and utter disbelief “She didn’t say all that, did she?” (Have you have seen the musical “The Music Man”? This whole scene reminded me of the old biddies singing: “Pick a little talk a little, pick a little talk a little, cheap cheap cheap, talk a lot pick a little more”) The women discuss whether or not they should tell Jesse that Trish is “a gold digging skank”.

Back to the bar and guess what? Jesse is now lip-locked with Trish. Trish makes sure he understands that “I make no apologies for the way I live.”

Jesse agrees with her, “Yeah, you seem easy”. (Just make sure to bring your raincoat man.)

Next the threesome shoot a game of pool, the two ladies (and for one I use the term loosely) vs Jesse. Following the billiards is a rousing game of darts. Trish really sucks, she can’t hit the board. But she suggests they all quit this and go shopping, at least there she is a self proclaimed professional.

The alone date box arrives, it is for Tara. “It’s you and me kid, so come as you are. Bring the shoes and we’ll dance the night away. Love Jesse.” (How sweet! Humphrey Bogart is probably turning in his grave. Oh wait, is he dead or alive? I better go check that OT thread that has the game, it will know for sure…)

Jess has a heart wrenching confessional: “I knew I wasn’t going to get an alone date, he doesn’t know me at all. I just know that I am not going to get a rose.” (Tissues anyone?)

Back to the date, they bus to the spa for a nice massage. Jesse is on the middle table and he brings up the subject of charity work. Mandy Jaye bonds immediately and he keeps his head turned away from Trish for the duration. Privately Trish tells us that she knew she was sunk when they started talking about charity work, she doesn’t give anything away for free. (That’s right, she has pointed out twice that she is a professional).

A little later, Jesse pulls Mandy aside and into the sauna to make things hot and steamy. “The more I know you, the more I like what I see” He says, and then presses his lips softly against a willing Mandy Jaye. (Now see, I know why he signed up for this gig. He has a bet with his football team, how many girls he can kiss on national TV.) They show a shot of Trish all alone in the pool looking jealous.

The three sit in the hot-tub together. Mandy toasts “Here’s to being single, seeing double, and dating triple.” They click glasses and drink.

Cut to the date with Tara, he picks her up in an old fashioned Rolls Royce. He is a little skeptical about Tara, she needs to loosen up a little with him. She confides that she needs to be back by 10:30pm, and he agrees.

She gets a surprise as in a Pretty Womanesque way he presents her with the choice of any of the dresses displayed before her. He leaves her alone to try them on, and will meet her in the lobby. She chooses a nice black dress with white flowers that contrasts nicely with her long blond hair. (Now SHE is elegant, Trish can take notes here.)

The group date box arrives, it is a sexy tool box! “Katie, Jess, Jenny, Julie, Jessica B, and Karen” (Translation- all the other losers who didn’t get to go on the private dates) “Today we are building something that will last. Can’t wait to see you. Love Jesse” The girls go crazy over the goggles and tool belts.

Tara looks very lovely for her date, but back at the house the cats, I mean girls are cooking dinner and ready to dish Trish again. They pry some more info out of her, like that she not only kissed but slept with a man 3 days before coming on the show. They also discovered that men aren’t the only persuasion that Trish has had relations with. “So you sleep with married women too” Karen inquires. Karen in confessional says that Trish makes her so sick, she wanted to harm her.

Tara and Jesse are close, he kisses her, but she pulls back after a short time. “I told you I didn’t want you to do that.” “Well, I stole a kiss from you” Tara confesses that it really did feel good, she got butterflies. (I suppose she could have gotten something a LOT worse) they danced and Jesse commented how nice Tara felt, how natural.

The group date is going to LA to help build a house for the Habitat for Humanity. Now this is a good idea, you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she swings a hammer. Jesse playfully splashes each girl with paint, and then later slips outside to talk to his spy-girl Jenny.

Jenny spills the beans on Trish. “I love you, but if you ever marry a woman like that, I can’t be your friend any more. She is not a mother, she doesn’t even like kids.”

After the work, the group goes to a barbeque dinner and out-door hot-tub. Inside on the couch, he is sitting near Jessica B, sure enough he kisses her too. (See I think he and Trish would be a perfect match, he is a slut too.)

Jess also gets some private time with Jesse, but alas, she creeps him out. She touches him all over and he yaps about being cold and that he can take it, he is after all from Canada, eh. She really wants to kiss him, finally we meet someone that Jesse doesn’t want to kiss!

Here comes the rose ceremony, I am so excited and nervous, will I get a rose? (Um, no Katie, you will not get a rose, you are not on the Bachelor, you are just writing the summary. Oh, I’m sorry, I felt so much a part of it after all this writing, you sure I can’t get a rose? Yes, now get finished here, will ya?)

There are 6 roses lying on the stand, and 10 beautiful women. Oh it is so not fair, somebody has to go home!

Jesse sneaks away for a last chat with Trish. Then he talks to Jenny who tells him in answer to his question that Karen “Is a diamond in the rough.” Fair enough.

Jesse is nervous, feeling the weight of the momentous decision, he doesn’t want to make a mistake and let his future wife out the door. (What happened to “If you love something set it free and if it comes back to you, it’s yours” Was that all a hoax?)

To the women Jesse says “I want you all to know that this past week has been incredible and so important. From this point forward it’s no longer about first impressions. It’s about me following my true feelings.”

Rose 1- Mandy Jaye
Rose 2- Suzie
Rose 3- Tara
Rose 4- Jessica B
Rose 5- Karen
Rose 6- Trish

No roses for Julie, Jenny, Jesse (who is crying and heartbroken even though she knew she wasn’t going to get one), or Katie (No, not me Katie, the one that's actually on the show).

Jesse confesses that he gave Trish a rose because he thought it wouldn’t be fair to judge her only on what Jenny had told him.

They have a toast “To 6 amazing women.”

Next time on the Bachelor-
Jenny returns to reveal her identity.
Things get ugly when the others find out she was a spy.
Trish realizes that Jesse probably knows all about everything.
Jesse is falling for some of the women, and they for him.
6 women are left, but only 4 roses. Who will stay?

Thanks for reading this, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!