Big Brother 6 – Episode #9: Cappy-tal Punishment

To recap where we are:

Kaysar = HOH
James & Maggie = Nominees
James = POV winner
Eric = New nominee

Cue the new BB theme music. I am humming it all day at work, which makes me hate this show even more.

Chenbot welcomes us to the show wearing a white jacket and pants with a low-cut dark top barely peaking though the jacket. I think she has put on a few pounds and looks much better then she used to. Or maybe it is just the lack of glitter and the fact that she no longer wears outfits more suited to prepubescent girls. She informs us that tonight the hamsters will find out what they already suspect – each of them came in with a partner. And by ‘suspect’, she means know as fact.

Reaction to the usage of the POV and the nomination of Eric is predictible. Eric states in the DR that he wasn’t surprised by the nomination and that he didn’t look at Kaysar and James as they “weren’t worth his eyesight”. Typically bully – doesn’t know how to react when he gets sand kicked in his face.

Eric asks Ivette if she was ‘in on it’. By ‘it’ I assume he means her performance in the POV competition. Ivette threatens to walk out (we should only be so lucky) and then states that she will now play as nasty as they are playing nasty. So, nasty would be what exactly? Not letting you and your friends win? Perhaps they should just nominate themselves. In fact, why even have the show? Let’s just award you the $500,000 right now. Actually, I would be willing to contribute to the half million if you would just shut the hell up!

Eric and Maggie discuss who they think will be staying. Maggie states in the DR that others may think she is the more strategic player and vote her out. At least that is what I think she said, it was heard to tell amongst all the bleeting. Maggie tells Eric to play like he is staying as she thinks she will be the one to go. After all she hasn’t yet been wrong in the game. I know, I know – sometimes this stuff just writes itself. She also states that she will sacrifice the $500,000 for him to stay (ok – walk out then) and that she loves him. Hmmm. Is it just me or does Maggie secretly have a little thing for her ‘friend’ Eric?

Back to Chenbot and the part of the show where she asks the hamsters stupid questions.

Chenbot: James, how has your week?
James: Great! Now that everyone know Sarah and I are a couple I’m banging her every night!

Chenbot: April, what food would you like after your week of being on PB&J?
April: Seafood! I love seafood! Any kind of seafood! Asian, middle eastern, blonde, brunette, redhead....

Chenbot: Beau, which hamsters are the most and least gay in the house?
InvisiBeau: Most – Me, of course, and Ivette. Least – Howie and Eric.
Chenbot: Which hamsters have the most and least fashion sense?
InvisiBeau: Didn’t I just answer that question?

Chebot: Howie, can you spell rhubarb?
Howie: S-H-U-T-U-P-B-I-T-C-H.

Time for the first round of voting:
Janelle: Eric
Jennifer: Maggie
Sarah: Eric
April: Maggie

Next up, we get a bit about Kaysar and Janelle and how they are so different. We even get interviews with their family members. The most shocking revelation is that Janelle is actually a brunette. Bet you didn't see that one coming! Biggest secret of the year so far. Even more shocking is that Kaysar is really a blonde! Ok – I made that part up. So to recap, Kaysar and Janelle are different because he has a penis and is from Iraq while she has a vagina and is from Minnesota. Thanks for the insight.

Chebot now interviews Kaysar who is alone in the HOH room. The usual waste of time questions and answers - Kaysar is allied with Janelle because they both lost their partners and putting up Eric and Maggie is payback for Michael being evicted. Shocking stuff here. Asking how to spell rhubarb would have made better television.

Back to the action earlier in the week, we get to see the group meeting in which everyone is expected to fess up about the partners since everyone (well, almost everyone) knows that everyone else has a partner. Ivette is shocked by the news which only goes to prove that she can't think and talk at the same time. All of them own up to it except for the pairs of April & Jennifer and Ivette & InvisiBeau. Despite constant interrogation from the others, these four still maintain that they are alone with Ivette even giving a little cry routine about being alone and awarding herself an Oscar in the DR. It was so good I am sure George Lucas wrote her speech.

April & Jennifer finally admit that they barely knew each other before entering the house so they are partners but they aren’t really partners. Insert eye roll here. Ivette then comes up with a similar story about Beau in that the producers found him for her and it was for a specific reason. This was Ivette’s way of revealing that she is a lesbian. This revelation is only slightly less shocking than that of her.

Second round of voting:
InvisiBeau: Maggie
James: Eric
Ivette: Maggie
Howie: Eric
Rachel: ?

Time to reveal the result of the eviction vote: Eric is evicted 5-4 and promptly shows his class by refusing to acknowledge the non-bleeting hamsters. After getting his mic on, Eric goes into his usual self-delusional tale of how he played with such high morals and class and his kids will be impressed with him. If that wasn’t vomit inducing enough we have to sit through Maggie’s message to Eric. ‘You are such a great friend, I’m going to miss you, I love you so much, I want to have your children, leave your wife she is a whore etc.’

I wonder if Maggie has figured out that all of her enemies voted for her to stay in the game, thinking she was a weaker player, and all of her allies voted against her as they also though she was a weaker player.

Time for the HOH competition which this week involves rolling a ball nearest the center of the target without going into one of the holes on the board. They should just draw straws as that would be equally exciting and just as random.

Janelle goes first and manages to keep her ball on the board but not very close to the target. Next up are Howie, Ivette, James, April, InvisiBeau, and Jennifer who all fail to get closer. Maggie then manages to squeeze one much closer to the center and is now in the lead. Rachel fails and so it is up to Sarah who rolls her ball right into the first hole. Nice choke job Sarah. For the second week in a row, the hamster who lost their partner has become the new HOH. Maggie is mobbed by Ivette, InvisiBeau, April and Jennifer.

Before Chenbot leaves us for another week, she teases us with another twist to be revealed next Thursday. I have no idea what it is but I am confident in predicting that it will be lame. Chenbot then announces the partners secret to the hamsters which the hamsters react to with a collective ‘No duh’! The possible supersized prizes for the final two are also announced which excites the hamsters for all of five seconds. They know and we know that no partnership will make it that far so the large prize is meaningless.

Next episode: Who will Maggie nominate? More importantly, will Kaysar give Maggie the same present that she left for him while he was HOH?

It is a known fact that history has been systematically distorted by humans ever since the first slack-jawed, cracker magnon started spitting paint onto a cave wall.