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"Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
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TODDLJ 421 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-04, 07:46 PM (EST)
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"Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
1. Jon Peter Lewis
JPL wins Diva of the Week for the first time. Say what you will about his voice, but Jon’s image and attitude had ‘star quality’ written all over it. In an ultra-stylish brown leather coat with visible tan stitching, matching brown shoes, baggy-sexy jeans, and a wordy brown T that could easily have come from Ryan Seacrest’s closet, Jon clearly got the best stylist of the bunch. Add on top of that his playful performance, his wavy golden locks, and his ‘thanks for the advice, but I don’t really care so much’ attitude to the judges, and we have all the makings of a scruffy pop idol along the lines of John Mayer or Rob Thomas. (And, to be fair I must admit, I think Mormon boys are hot. It’s sort of a ‘forbidden fruit’ thing. But that’s another column.)

2. LaToya London
Let’s start with the good: Her silky cream slip-dress, with lace trim, was about as sexy as she could get away with at 8pm on Fox. Her understated, smooth vocals were impressive and easy on the ears. And her glossy brown lipstick made her freakishly-white teeth look even whiter. So, why wasn’t this critic’s darling awarded Diva of the Week? Well, I’m afraid, it was the hair. As Simon pointed out, it resembled a dead cat perched uncomfortably on her head. (Note to readers: never hire your taxidermist to do your coif.) We liked your sexy Halle-Berry short do, LaToya, don’t sell out on us with those tacky calico extensions! Rip those tracks out and burn them (or melt them, since polyester won’t burn.) Then you’ll be back at the top of this list, where you belong.

3. Jasmine Trias
Jasmine is, without question, a beautiful girl. And this week’s vocals were night-and-day better than the ‘Breathe’ debacle that was last week. I also thought her outfit was pretty cute; the black strappy top, black satin multi-zippered ¾ cargo pants, and subtle silver accessories were sexy yet age appropriate. Perhaps best of all this week, her makeup was appropriately severe and Diva fierce. My only quibble is with her ubiquitous trademark… yes, folks, I’m thinking the flower-behind-the-ear thing is played out. I understand the need for a gimmick to set her apart from the other cute Hawaiian girl (other than the fact that Jasmine can sing and Camille can’t.) Perhaps once Camille is mercifully booted, Jasmine can start to break out as her own person?

4. Jennifer Hudson
Jennifer’s ensemble this week was, in a word, ‘mediocre.’ So, you ask, why is she all the way up at fourth on my list? Well, it was a disastrous week, fashion-wise, and mediocre was better than I can say for the rest of these victims. In a matching denim ensemble, with a white cotton blouse, Jennifer had a put-together look that was perhaps a bit too casual for my taste, but otherwise difficult to find fault with. True, her manic, aggressive, and somewhat severe performance was a little desperate (and a true Diva never lets you see her sweat.) Nonetheless, at least I always know she is giving it her all. And girlfriend definitely has the pipes… she was one of the few this week who had no trouble competing with the too-loud Funk Brothers. She’s definitely a Diva… albeit more of a ‘Diva in the rough’ at this point.

5. George Huff
Okay, I admit George’s performance this week was completely Diva-worthy. He took a song that was clearly perfect for him, and sold it out of every pore. I’ll give him that. My question… who dressed him? What’s with all the layers, it’s hardly winter? In a brown suede coat, bright orange shirt, and brown T, it’s no wonder he needed a sweat towel! And while I’m at it, what was up with the sweat towel? And why on Earth did he toss it into the audience? (And what self-respecting person would happily catch George’s sweat-covered towel?) I’m sorry, but there were simply too many unanswered questions this week for me to rank George higher.

6. Diana Degarmo
Poor little Diana just can’t win for losing with me. Her huge, clear voice is impressive, no doubt. And her performance was a bit less cutesy (and a little more ballsy) this week, which I appreciated. But her outfit was simply waaaay too ‘costumey’ for my taste. With her little cropped denim jacket (with a sequined star appliqué!) white blouse, and a huge red circle-skirt, she looked like she was ready to go on as Frenchie in Grease. (The only thing missing was the pink poodle on the skirt.) And what was up with those huge diamond-shaped earrings? And I’m not even going to mention her J-Lo reject hairdo. (Note to the AI style team: I know she’s 16, but can’t we find something a little bit more sophisticated for her?)

7. Fantasia Burrino
Okay, readers, here’s where it starts to get bad. Off go the sirens, it’s time for a Fashion Citation. (And this one, I’m thinking, is a Felony.) Sure, her performance was fierce. But what in the name of Patty LaBelle was Fantasia wearing this week? Her crescent shaped cream cable-knit sweater looked like a giant Ruffles Potato Chip (with ridges.) Her too-short patchwork denim skirt looked like something you might pick up at the Tulsa Wal-Mart (on sale.) And her thigh-high black boots had two-dollar-ho written all over them. Girlfriend, if this was ‘Ghetto Idol’ you’d win hands down. (But it ain’t.)

8. Amy Adams
Is anyone else sick and tired of Amy’s multi-colored hair? The length and colors, and the way the colors are blocked around the sides of her face, are totally unflattering. She’s not the most beautiful girl to begin with (though calling her Jay Leno was below the belt, Simon) and so she needs all the help she can get. Might I suggest a choppy pixie cut in a nice warm auburn? And, though there is not much I can say about her plain black slacks, her black asymmetrical crepe top (with the sequined appliqué ‘musical note’ on the strap) was simply hideous.

9. Camille Velasco
After last week’s debacle, I really thought Camille had nowhere to go but up. Wow, was I mistaken. I’ve learned never to underestimate Camille’s ability to disappoint. It was a performance fraught with a laundry list of failures. Let me list the first 10 that come to mind:

1. Her too-high curly pony-tail.
2. Her hood-ornament earrings.
3. Her asymmetrical lime T-shirt (what is this thing she has for lime green?)
4. Her visible white brastrap.
5. Her ubiquitous rainbow sweatband that looked like a souvenir I might buy at the Tennis event in the Gay Olympics (but never actually wear.)
6. Her low-rise blasted jeans that revealed her not-so-tight belly.
7. The crocheted rainbow throw rug she wrapped around her hips.
8. Her lame attempts at dancing.
9. The frenzied, hysterical way she flailed her arms as the ‘sang.’
10. Her sense of ‘pitch.’

Camille needs to be put out of her misery, and fast. Actually, Camille needs to be put out of OUR misery.

10. John Stephens
John, in a word, sucked. He sucked harder than Camille. He sucked harder than a $600 vacuum cleaner. He sucked harder than the vortex of a black hole. He sucked harder than my boyfriend on X. Am I making myself clear? HE SUCKED! When will America wise up and boot this pasty, boring, cheap-suit wearing, tone-deaf, crooning redheaded stepchild?

There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Idol Finalists. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned a$$.

Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary from a gay point of view. Please check out his website, http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com/

Cumulative Rankings:
1. LaToya London 1.7 (2, 1, 2)
2. Jasmine Trias 2.7 (1, 4, 3)
3. Jennifer Hudson 3.3 (4, 2, 4)
4. George Huff 3.7 (3, 3, 5)
5. Jon Peter Lewis 4.3 (6, 6, 1)
6. Fantasia Burrino 5.7 (5, 5, 7)
7. Diana Degarmo 7.7 (9, 8, 6)
8. John Stephens 8.7 (7, 9, 10)
9. Camille Velasco 10.3 (11, 11, 9)

R.I.P.:
10. Amy Adams 8.3 (10, 7, 8)
11. Matt Rogers 11 (12,10)
12. Leah LaBelle 8 (8)

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  Table of Contents

  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... tig_ger 04-01-04 1
   RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... popcorn_with_sam 04-01-04 6
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... Chrissy gal 04-01-04 2
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... Mysterious Jedi 04-01-04 3
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... dangerkitty 04-01-04 4
 wooohoo Breezy 04-01-04 5
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... TeamJoisey 04-01-04 7
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... mahjonger 04-02-04 8
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... jplluvr 04-02-04 9
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... frisky 04-02-04 10
   RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals... ginger 04-02-04 11
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... nailbone 04-02-04 12
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... Sagebrush Dan 04-02-04 13
 RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week ... So_Opinionated 04-04-04 14

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tig_ger 2098 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-04, 08:03 PM (EST)
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1. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
(*wipes tears from eyes*)

THIS is why I watch the show. Thank you!!!!


A Kyngsladye Original

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popcorn_with_sam 154 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-04, 11:05 PM (EST)
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6. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
Me, too....thanks Larry! Your take on the show is worth putting up with the pain of watching some of the performances. Wish you were writing about Survivor this time, too.

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Chrissy gal 1413 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-04, 08:26 PM (EST)
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2. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
I didn't watch the show, but your journal made me feel like I was there! Best analysis - Fantasia and Camille! Hilarious!!

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Mysterious Jedi 1043 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-04, 08:27 PM (EST)
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3. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
Spot on perfect!

You are good, my friend. You are good.


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dangerkitty 1913 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-04, 08:35 PM (EST)
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4. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
Thank heavens for you, Larry. You managed to make the agony of watching this week's show worth it!

SImply fabulous.

dangerkitty

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Breezy 18380 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-04, 09:01 PM (EST)
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5. "wooohoo"
Great job Larry!!! Loved it, all of it.


Just say no to trolls.


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TeamJoisey 3558 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-04, 11:26 PM (EST)
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7. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
Larry...

Earlier in this forum I suggested Fantasia was wearing a taco.
Still in the snack/chip family.
But I stand corrected.

Ruffles have rrrridges!


You, sir, really, really make me laugh.

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mahjonger 25 desperate attention whore postings
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04-02-04, 02:36 AM (EST)
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8. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
I must have entered this forum four or five times today looking for your journal. Fabulous as always. Your take on Fantasia's outfit is priceless.
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jplluvr 1 desperate attention whore postings
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04-02-04, 04:10 PM (EST)
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9. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
Thank you for raniking JPL as "Diva of the Week" it sounds weird but he did have very sexy jeans and plus I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!! He is so adorbable.
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frisky 11695 desperate attention whore postings
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04-02-04, 04:45 PM (EST)
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10. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
Love ya love ya love ya love ya love ya!!

*self-consciously lowers ponytail*


Card-carrying RBBRTFHLA/Sugar Ho Division
Non-Embezzling GAWKUR Treasurer

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ginger 22512 desperate attention whore postings
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04-02-04, 05:02 PM (EST)
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11. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
Can I nominate you as a guest judge?


"Any government that would deny a gay man bridal registry is fascist." Margaret Cho

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nailbone 27263 desperate attention whore postings
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04-02-04, 05:43 PM (EST)
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12. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
GIJ is worth the price of admission alone.


Cool new sig courtesy of Jslice o-


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Sagebrush Dan 10002 desperate attention whore postings
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04-02-04, 11:45 PM (EST)
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13. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
Good job, Larry. Glad to see you back.

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So_Opinionated 177 desperate attention whore postings
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04-04-04, 00:21 AM (EST)
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14. "RE: Gay Idol Journal – Finals Week Three"
Larry , you are too good.

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