LAST EDITED ON 09-26-04 AT 10:23 PM (EST)Sorry this is a teeny bit late. I've had a busy week, coupled with a TAR5 Casino Game to conclude. To whoever sees this, enjoy! This is the best I can do in this limited time frame.
By the way, "Nevermore" seems to be a good name for a finale, huh?
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Official Big Brother 5 Series Finale: "Nevermore"
This season, on Big Brother 5:
-14 houseguests moved into the Big Brother house.
-Big Brother messes with their minds.
-Drew and Diane smooch.
-Some Project DNA twists happen.
-Mike, Lori, Holly, Scott, Jase, Will, Natalie, Adria, Marvin, Karen, and Nakomis are evicted.
-Drew and Diane smooch some more.
-Drew votes out Diane in the Final 3.
-No more smooching for Drew.
The end. I hope you enjoyed this season of Big Brother 5.
What do you mean, it's not over yet? We still have to declare a winner? Can't we just declare them all bitter and go home?
...Fine, you win. But I'm still going to interrupt this summary as much as possible.
Here comes the opening credits! It's kind of nice to see all the pictures back up with the names. Even Natalie's in there. I'm still trying to figure out who that "Mike" guy is though.
Julie Chen introduces herself and repeats that opening recap. We're down to the Final Two. It's come down to Drew, the pseudo-intellectual fratboy from Ohio, versus Michael, the not-even-pseudo-intellectual cowboy from Oklahoma. Julie goes on to tell us about the jury consisting of Will, Natalie, Adria, Marvin, Karen, Nakomis, and Diane. Thanks to The Danielle Clause (BB3), the jury is allowed to re-watch only public events (ceremonies) from the Big Brother house.
Let's see what those loveable jury members are up to!
And since I'm feeling poetic tonight...
1. Limerick
There once was a jury on Big Brother.
Who missed speaking to Mother.
They wanted to know
the last loser to go.
So they bickered and fought with each other.
2. Dramatic Poetry
Once upon a midnight dreary, as the jury pondered weak and weary,
Over quaint and curious gossip of Big Brother lore,
While they argued, nearly snapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
as of some loser gently rapping, rapping at the cobbled floor.
`'Tis some visitor,' they muttered, `tapping at our cobbled floor -
Only this, and nothing more.'
3. Haiku
The six members wait
for the seventh to join them.
Suddenly, they see...
...A big scary monster!
What's that, you say? Fine. They saw Diane. A monster would've been way cooler though.
Diane enters the room and everyone seems extremely surprised. Even Diane's a little confused. She remarks how being evicted can be shocking, like a punch in the stomach. She also notes that it was a good move by Drew too. Marvin agrees. However, he adds that Drew played her like a spade.
Huh? Marvin's played a few too many games of internet gin rummy if you ask me. Either that, or Marvin thinks Drew has gardening spades fetish. It's your call.
The jury folk argue for a few more minutes.
-Nakomis says that blood is thicker than water, but the blood between she and Cowboy is more like vinaigrette. Which is still thicker than water, I guess. And it makes a dandy salad dressing too.
-Will thinks that it is possible to win the game without lying to anyone.
-Karen would rather keep her morals intact, even if it means losing the game. That’s what all under-the-radar middle boots say.
-The general consensus is that Cowboy just kind of slid through the game, and that Drew used a better, albeit dishonest, game plan.
After the commercial break, we have the Jury Questions. This part wasn’t that great, mostly because Drew and Cowboy are quite possibly the least articulate beings on the planet. Drew, uh, spends most, uh, of his time, uh, saying the word, uh, strategy. Cowboy usually replies with a corny comment about being himself, which might not be the best strategy for a guy like him.
Will, Natalie, Adria, and Nakomis each ask Cowboy questions about his brilliant game play. Diane, on the other hand, has bigger fish to fry. She’s still hung up on that lame, mumbling goodbye message she got. Drew, uh, says that he’s sorry that it came off that way, and, uh, he really looks forward to seeing her outside the house. If Drew wins, they'll hook up. Say goodbye to $250,000, pal.
Marvin’s questions are the most interesting. First, he recounts a story from the beginning of the game, and how Drew called Diane “trailer trash.” Drew, channeling the spirit of Bill Clinton, skillfully denies this statement. Marvin then asks Cowboy about all the votes he cast.
Marvin: “Are you a lying racist or a racist liar?”
Ah, the race card... Marvin must like playing that one like a spade, huh?
Cowboy surprisingly gives a logical answer. I mean, these two were never alligned. Heck, if Marvin had been a skinny white girl from Los Angeles, he still would've gotten those four votes from Cowboy. It's a done deal. If anything, Cowboy is best described as "everybody-but-twins-and-horsemen-ist." But racist? Nope.
Anyhoo, after that, the houseguests give their Happy Final Thoughts. Cowboy says something about being himself. Drew, uh, mumbles something about playing the game to the best of his ability.
Flashbacks over, we finally return to the safety of the studio, where Julie interrogates the hapless houseguests for the final time. Drew notices that the jury questions were really rough this year. Cowboy tells us that he was most surprised to hear the jury say that he didn't do anything to reach the Final Two.
I mean, look at his stats. He won one competition, out of thirty-something. He alligned with Jase and Scott, who were evicted. Then he alligned with Adria and Natalie, who were later evicted. This guy's got the Midas Touch, dude.
Meanwhile, as I ponder this, Julie welcomes back the jury from Mexico. It's time for the final votes. Each of the jury members have two keys in a bag. One at a time, they will approach the voting box, make a final statement, and cast their vote for the winner.
The speeches were pretty boring. Most of them were of the typical "this is a hard decision" type. Marvin's was confusing as always. He told them that his vote is nothing personal, and that he likes both of them. Even "lying racists," I guess. Now that's redemption.
Adria, Natalie, Karen, Marvin, Diane, Nakomis, and Will slip their keys into the box.
Hey, we've discussed the jury enough, haven't we? It's time to talk to the non-jury members: Mike, Lori, Holly, Scott, and Jase.
I'm going to keep this part brief though. I'm sure you guys are getting tired of reading by now.
-Jase talks about his relationship with Holly. He felt sorry for Marvin, stuck in the house without him. I felt bad for Marvin too. Dreaming about the fun times with Jase is clearly a sign of dementia.
-Scott and Jase aren't speaking to each other. Scott doesn't understand why. Jase is still stuck on the Holly issue. Look, Jase, the game is over. You lose. The only thing you've won is public ridicule by yours truly, poopyface.
-Holly still feels that Diane wasn't genuine to her. So? I think Holly should have been a little *less* genuine. It would have been much less annoying.
-Mike says something about Karen backstabbing everyone. Give me a break. I'm starting to realize why these guys didn't make the jury. They were watching the show, and they still didn't know what was going on! Karen had an alliance with Nakomis and Diane. She kept that alliance until her butt went out the door.
-Scott talks about the Four Horsemen; says Marvin was just a pawn. I just gotta say this. He made the same mistake everyone else makes on reality TV. The other chess player isn't out to take your pawns, Scott. And they ain't going anywhere near your bishop either ifyaknowwhatimean.
-Lori mentions that Marvin lied about her financial status. She's $10,000 richer, but still living off of Ramen Noodles.
-Mike says that Diane was probably the best player in the house. Diane smiles evilly.
After one more commercial break, Julie informs us that it's time to reveal the votes. Julie will pull out the keys one by one and reveal the votes. In prior years, the voters actually got to reveal their votes themselves. You fools. The theme of this year is "Do Not Assume." Do not assume you will have any part of this exciting finale. There will be none of that. This is Julie's show, dang it, and she's revealing the votes.
Here's how the votes went down:
Adria: Cowboy
Natalie: Cowboy
Individuals, huh?
Karen: Drew
Marvin: Drew
Diane: Drew
Nakomis: Cowboy
I guess vinaigrette *is* thicker than water...
And the final vote:
Will: Drew
Drew wins 4-3.
Cowboy and Drew head out the door to greet their families. Julie congratulates them, plugs Disneyland, and concludes the series.
*cue happy Big Brother music*
And, boys and girls, that puts another season of Big Brother in the books. We saw the destruction of Jase's sanity, the rise of the Pinky Swear alliance, and the Six Finger Plan. We watched Project DNA unfold. We saw one Adria vote turn into two Adria votes, only one was called "Natalie." We witnessed numerous Veto and HOH competitions. We witnessed Cowboy losing numerous Veto and HOH competitions. And we have a new $500,000 winner named Drew Daniel.
So, Big Brother 5 is finally completed. You know what that means!
Time for the Amazing Race Finale!
Fin.