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"Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep 11 "The Drivel's On Diane""
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AMAI 1254 desperate attention whore postings
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09-16-04, 08:28 AM (EST)
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"Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep 11 "The Drivel's On Diane""
Previously, Diane made a stack o’ promises but only kept the one she made to Drew. Fancy that! Who’s surprised? C'mon, there must be ONE reader out here who was surprised. No?

Then Nakomis had to hawk or hog or something Karen onto the block. Maybe she said "hoch" as in hoch a loogie. Anyway, it hurt. Diane’s plan to get rid of Karen entailed assuring Karen she’d be safe. Diane wondered why Karen said “thanks for the backdoor.” Diane's not stupid but her street smarts are more like back alley smarts.

With Karen despatched, Drew won HOH. Voice-Over Dude wants us to get excited about Drew’s nominations. He’s kidding, right? Even if you don't already know, it's not like he has much choice. There are four people left in the whole game, and he can't nominate himself (more's the pity.)

After Karen Left, Cowtard’s hart leapt for joy. He knowed it wuz his hart cuz whin his stummack leeps like dat, he loozes his lunch.

Diane is turning into an Identi-Twat: she explained that Karen was NOT backdoored. She even told us that “backdoor” means "evicted without their knowledge." Diane insists, “Karen wasn’t backdoored. We just didn’t tell her everything.”

I’ve officially had it with Diane.

Nak says she was more surprised by Karen’s eviction than Karen was. That's her story and she'll stick to it until a better story comes along. I still want Nak to win.

Diane re-pleads with Nak, in color, to fool us, “Now you’re gonna hate me.” Nak reassures her with hugs. Again. And in color because there isn't enough new footage that isn't of Diane & Drew kissing. Diane says she always told Karen it would be unanimous, just omitted to inform her it would be her leaving unanimously. I can't wait for Diane's eviction. Wanna bet she'll throw a huge fit?

Nak repeats (in color) it was a good game move, on account of Karen’s pile of jury friends. Nak DRs she is still on Diane’s side. Oh well, that’s a relief. I was worried Nakomis would abandon Diane.

Nakomis also points out that Diane might be doing it for attention and maybe it’s for game strategy but Diane is really making a point of saying, “Take me to the F2 because everyone in the jury hates me.” Rest assured, everyone. It is for game strategy. Diane is far too happy about backstabbing all those jurors.

Cowfool is just happy to be here. That makes one of us. Nakomis tells him he takes it too hard every time someone leaves. He wants to believe he's really a threat and was >< this close to getting booted.

Cowfool DRs he wishes Drew had given him the HOH. I’ve officially had it with Cowblech. No more juggling nicknames for him. From now on, it's just Cowblech. Oh, and Half-Wit. Also Dumbass. I guess I never get tired of coming up with new derogatory nicknames.

Nak DRs that Drew will nominate her and Half-Wit or her and Diane. She doesn’t think there’s any chance of not being nominated. Diane doesn’t feel safe either. Foreshadowing is limp as week-old lettuce.

Drew’s Room. Diane runs through the house to go check out the latest hot picture of hot Ben, Drew’s hot twin. What game is she playing? Is she trying to piss Drew off?

Drew got a new fake plant and a Miami shirt. Woo Go Miami. Diane DRs that she should be allowed one of his 19 Miami shirts. I wonder why she’s not being given one? Hmm. Wonder, wonder. Nothing to do with those references to Ben, I'm sure.

The CD is Counting Crows. Cowblech hadn't heard of them so if you had any doubts, now you know for sure he's been living in a double-wide with AM Radio only. He complains, “Yeah, mah tap o’ mewsic, nawt. Ah wuz hopin’ fer Toby Keith.”

Nakomis suggests Drew name the plant Piedmont, in honor of a bird she rescued from the parking lot. Because Nak has a softer side and she's all about naming stuff. Drew figures what the hell, agrees, and promptly forgets about it. The editors forget about it too and we will never hear of "Piedmont" again.

Cowblech whines again in the DR about how he was hoping to receive pictures and letters from home. I report it so you can be as fed up with him as I am. That sense of entitlement because he's so useless makes me want to punch him so hard he'll see pictures of April instead of stars.

Getting Fatter. Diane hasn’t been getting enough attention lately, so she calls for everyone to notice her “gut.” She is “3 months pregnant.” Nak joins in, noting she’s “over the belt.”

Nak DRs it’s annoying to hear someone as skinny as Diane moan about putting on weight. “Right. She’s gone from a Zero to a One.” Haha.

Drew says he’s noticed the “growthage” on the front of Diane’s tummy. I’ve notice the slippage of your intelligence Drew. You’ve slid way down the chart and you weren't that high up to begin with.

Cowblech DRs he’s tired of them sayin’ they need to lose wayuht and then grabbing a bayug of chiyups. “We hayuv uh geeyum. Ett salids ‘n’ werk owut.”

Planning the Strategy. Drew, Diane and Cowblech have to waste more time discussing being in the F3 together. Drew will put Nakomis on the block because she put him up. But he put her up before that, so like, aren't they even? I mean, so what? Is Drew 10? What am I saying? Who isn't 10 here? Cowblech is working his hard-done-by status because "she" put him up and worked to get him out. Not that hard, moron, you’re still in the house, in case you hadn't noticed.

Nak is alone at the table, playing solitaire, while the other three scheme. It heightens the sense of alienation, to see her like that. BigBrother needs a soundtrack. This moment would be well served by something from Portishead or Evanescence.

Shrinking Table. Yawn. Table, huge. Table, large, Table, tiny. Another shrinking table. Drew DRs it’s a milestone. It's all a milestone when you're in the Big Brother house. Hey we finished another jar of peanut butter. It's a Milestone!

They stand around the table.

They sit at the table.

They call it the “kids’ table.”

Oh, get it? They're the kids cuz they're all 10.

Nak DRs they started out by kicking out the oldest one, and now they’re the youngest Final 4. Woo. Kids’ table.

Cowblech DRs Jase and Scott should be proud of him and Drew for making it to F4. This has nothing to do with the table, but it didn't deserve its own heading.

Shmoopy Time. Diane mentions to Drew that they’ve been dating for 2 months now. They cuddle to celebrate. Ugh. I think it's getting harder for Drew to keep up the charade.

Diane DRs she’s never been in love with anybody. She does have that look of love in her eyes every time she looks at him; however, it could be gas. Drew DRs that Diane is not his girlfriend. I mean, in case you were wondering about the chasm between them on the gamut of love. Diane tells Drew, “In RL you’d be my boyfriend.” He doesn't say anything. He never has a snappy comeback to these hints of hers, has he? Have you noticed?

Diane DRs they talk about all the things they’ll do together outside. She seems to do most of the talking. Drew wonders if their feelings will be accelerated once they’re out of the house. I guess the answer is “probably not” unless by "accelerated" he means, away from love, moving quickly towards loathing and contempt. That may happen before they get out of the house. They make some more noisy shmoopy to avoid real talking.

Cowblech Destroys Dinner. Beautiful NY Strip Sirloin steaks, nice cut of meat, who let Cowblech get within poking distance?

We "get to" watch a whole segment about it, which means watching a whole segment the focal point of which is Cowblech. He puts the steaks on at 5pm, with dinner scheduled for 7. He fiddles with the grill, he turns the heat down. Not all steak is “simmering steak,” you fool. I've gone beyond "fed up" where Cowblech is concerned. Just thinking about him tires me out and makes me want to puke. I can't believe there'll be a situation in which I'll be happy to see him around to the Final 2.

Nak likes medium rare. I don’t know why she would entrust her steak to any of these twerps. I know I wouldn’t. Cowpoke "idiot" music plays to help illustrate that Dumbass is ruining $50 worth of beef. Drew DRs Cowblech thinks he’s a great cook. Drew calls the steaks “roadkill.”

The gang finds them overly chewy, at best. I’m sure Jase would be proud.

More Pointless Chatter. Yet another segment of Diane and Drew in bed, talking about whom Drew shall nominate. This is the worst episode of the season. Thanks for the extra helping of drivel, you two.

It’s only worth a heading because the segment contains this nugget: Diane volunteered to go on the block to spare other people’s feelings. Um, I think by "other people" she means, herself and by "feelings" she means hers being impacted by carrying out the unpleasant chore of voting out her other ally, Nakomis.

Why start feeling bad about this one person? She's lied to and backstabbd everyone else.

And why waste time worrying about the nominations anyway? Who cares who goes up? It doesn’t matter who’s on the block, because it’s all about who wins the POV.

The Clothing We Hate. A bunch of DRs in which they get to point out clothing of the other HGs that they hate. Since everything they wear is non-descript I haven't developed any intense emotional responses to any of it.

But for the record, Diane hates Drew’s ugly-##### yellow Goonies shirt and the big black pants of Nakomis’ that look like bellbottoms gone wrong. (Oh yeah. I did hate those things.) Di also hates the yellow shirt Jase gave Cowblech.

Nak hates Diane’s orange fuzzy pal pants. Cowblech hates Diane’s “Good Girls Finish Last” shirt. Drew hates most of Nak’s stuff.

Luxury Competition, Part 1. This segment starts out boring and goes downhill. It goes on and on. In essence, the various pieces of clothing selected for destruction are hanging on racks, one rack per HG, in the back yard.

There is a “Wheel of Misfortune” on which are various methods of destruction: Deep Fried, Sling Shirt, Tarred and Tailored, Flaming Fashion and HG’s Choice.

Each turn is played out, boring the crap outta me. With weeks of material and all kinds of Jury House shenanigans sitting in a film can somewhere (or on new-fangled DVDs I guess), we have to watch Nak spin the spinner, see it go round, see it land on “Sling Shirt,” see her get the item wet and then see her send the item over the fence. Buh-bye Cowblech’s green shorts.

After about 7 items get the treatment, I notice a tiny sliver on the Wheel labeled “Safe.” Nobody ever makes the spinner land on “Safe” but it was there. Even a comment from Nak about deep frying a shirt "just like Mom used to make" can't rescue this extremely horrible and nearly endless chunk of pointless activity. Why can't they just bag up the rags and cart them back to the Salvation Army whence they came?

Diane takes great pleasure in destroying a shirt an ex-girlfriend gave Drew. She DR-chortles, “Sorry Vanessa I got your man and your shirt.” Drew makes a DR to apologize for “evil Diane.”

Part 2 – Shopping. After the destruction, they have the chance to take off what they’re wearing in order to add more time to the Shopping Spree. Nakomis declines because she’s wearing her Mom’s shirt and her sister’s pants. Drew DRs “That ugly shirt?” I’m officially sick of Drew.

For 3 HGs coughing up the clothes off their backs, they add an extra 45 seconds to time allowed to drape new boring clothing to replace the old boring clothing. The guys pain-stakingly sling-shoot their clothes. We watch. It’s not as exciting as it sounds. On her turn, Diane burns her stuff. Nak DRs the guys were excited about seeing Diane in her undies. Turns out she's wearing “Kentucky shorts.” Cowblech goes, “Oooh, the red bra.” My hubby is full of wonderment: "CB knew Diane has a red bra?" I’m too tired to explain about the sleeping arrangements. “Yeah.”

2:45 worth of people haphazardly grabbing items off racks makes me glad I can just sum it up in a sentence. Drew gets a shirt that says “metrosexual.” How very him, the little body hair-shaver. He tells us he had trouble getting the hangers out of the shirts. We see him struggle with hangers.

Don't wish for stuff on Big Brother. I remember wishing to see more of the Shopping Spree last time: what was I thinking? These people are dull. If Karen and Marvin were here, it would have been a hell of a lot more entertaining.

They get lots of stuff. Nakomis gets lots of stuff in black. Everyone is happy. I’m happy it’s over.

The Drivel’s On Diane. It would be a joke, except Cowblech is involved. Sleeping time, Diane gets up to pee. Cowblech is still awake and comes over to the bed to get Drew to hop out and let him hop in to play a trick on Diane.

Drew immediately agrees and hides on the floor by the far side of the bed. We all wait with bated breath to see if Diane will start kissing "Drew." She doesn't. Wow. Wasn't that almost funny? She goes to snuggle but somehow doesn’t kiss the back of “his” neck. She jumps up and the guys laugh. We laugh in spite of ourselves. She DRs it would be scary if she’d kissed him. Yeah, I bet. Cowblech struggles with his woody as he hobbles off back to his own bed.

The next day, supposedly, Drew wonders aloud if he could be related to Diane. Nak imitates Big Brother, “Diane & Drew please go to the Diary Room.” Haha. Diane wants to check on it for giggles and Drew would rather not. He's no fun at all. What does she see in him?

Nominations. Diane wants Drew to reassure her that Cowboy would keep her – for what, the F2? Oh maybe she means to get to the F3. Right, right. Just how certain is Diane that Drew will take her to F2?

Drew tells us he is closer to everyone in the house. There is that tiny dining room table, after all. He hopes they’ll be good sports. Oh right, nominations.

The whole key charade, with one key in the box, is extremely pathetic. Drew looks gormless explaining this is the final Nomination Ceremony. But then, he's always looked kind of gormless to me.

Drew removes and hands a pleased Cowblech his key, “Michael you are safe.” Drew says he put up Nakomis because she put him up. He nominated Diane to prove, somehow, that he’s keeping “personal” and “game” separate.

Nak DRs that it’s a complete cop-out. Me too. I thought it would have been much more ballsy if he'd nominated Diane and Cowblech, and explained that he couldn't choose between his two allies, so he's going to let Nakomis do it.

Diane hopes to escape without hurting Nak’s feelings. I hope Diane gets evicted this week.

Next Time we’ll see the POV competition. Spoiler: Cowblech won the POV and is stressing over whom to keep. It’s as gut-wrenching as you can imagine. If Cowblech can’t figure out that his best chance at winning some money lies in getting rid of Diane, then he’s a bigger fool than any of us thought. And you must realize how big a fool most of us think he is.

Late breaking news!! Nak has approached Cowblech and laid it all out for him. That Diane wouldn’t take him to F2, but she, Nak, would. She offered the Pinky Swear! LOL!! He even told her that he has an agreement with Drew for F2, so he can’t promise her that. She said fine. There’s more, and I expect we’ll see some of it Tuesday. Nak had a meltdown - don't miss Tuesday's ep!

This Tuesday, Sept 14, will also contain a live POV Ceremony and Eviction. The HGs don’t yet know about this special episode at 9pm est. I expect they’ll begin the Final HOH Competition right away, with the usual Part 1 of Endurance. There will be no Thursday ep due to the premier of Survivor. Tune in the following evening, Friday Sept 17, to find out who are the Final 2. A week from Tuesday, Sept 21, will be the finale. Or so I’m told. Thank god it's almost over. I've had enough.

Thanks for reading.


  Table of Contents

  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep... bdemoney 09-16-04 1
   RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep... ginger 09-16-04 2
   RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep... motormouth 09-17-04 4
 RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep... strid333 09-16-04 3
 RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep... seahorse 09-18-04 5
 RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep... AMAI 09-18-04 6

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bdemoney 745 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator"

09-16-04, 10:55 AM (EST)
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1. "RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep 11 "The Drivel's On Diane""
Thanks for a great summary, AMAI!

I especially enjoyed:
Cowtard’s hart leapt for joy. He knowed it wuz his hart cuz whin his stummack leeps like dat, he loozes his lunch.

Good impression of Cowpoke! And I have to agree with you I am glad that this season is almost over. BB has always been one of my favorite reality shows but they need to do something to make the end more interesting...


ginger 22512 desperate attention whore postings
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09-16-04, 04:23 PM (EST)
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2. "RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep 11 "The Drivel's On Diane""
I like "Cowblech." Sounds like that Seuss book -- "Bartholomew and the Cowblech."

It was actually Oobleck, I think. And that was a great summary, Amai.


motormouth 4507 desperate attention whore postings
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09-17-04, 01:16 AM (EST)
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4. "RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep 11 "The Drivel's On Diane""
Hey! That was my favorite line to! Great job AMAI!

*hey bdemoney, how ya doin?*


strid333 2928 desperate attention whore postings
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09-16-04, 06:20 PM (EST)
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3. "RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep 11 "The Drivel's On Diane""
Very good summary. I missed watching the episode and this made up for it.

Three is the perfect number.


seahorse 14337 desperate attention whore postings
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09-18-04, 01:55 AM (EST)
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5. "RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep 11 "The Drivel's On Diane""
Great summary as usual, AMAI.

©Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004


AMAI 1254 desperate attention whore postings
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09-18-04, 02:05 AM (EST)
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6. "RE: Official BB 5 Summary ep 28 Sep 11 "The Drivel's On Diane""
Thanks, everyone.

I'm used to slaughtering sheep - I'm a natural for this show!



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