TSI Episode 9: Teaching Through ParablesIn the Bible, Jesus used parables to teach his disciples important lessons. Not to be outdone by a divine entity, Jerry Bruckheimer decided to employ the same approach in the latest episode of TAR. (Wouldn’t be the first time he reused material, huh, Mr. “CSI – Convenience Store Down the Street”?)
Just to be different, let’s go bottoms up on the scoring this week:
5. Kami & Karli (4th in Race, 5th last TSI *) – Their lesson? Sex sells. You don’t have to be pretty, you don’t have to be a good singer, you don’t have to be a good masseuse. You just have to be willing to sell yourself if the situation warrants. Show of hands…who was surprised when they got lost? Anyone? Bueller? **
Notable Quotables:
“I will sing to you, I will massage your shoulders. Show of hands…who would pay them NOT to sing to them?
“We are going to use whatever sexual gifts God gave us.” Hmmm, and men gave them money anyway.
“You know that I could do it better than you.” Um, if you’re so damn talented, why aren’t you the twin doing the Roadblock? Or are you the brains and she’s the brawn? Time for an Aliwhore flashback.
“It’s like cake, it’s like batter.” Choke on this batter, twin.
This week: 60 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 690 Omarosas
4. Brandon & Nicole (5th in Race, 4th last TSI) – The lesson? Patience is a virtue. Brandon was not patient when first trying to make bricks, and they ended up falling way behind the other teams. They even had to contemplate shaving their heads. Alas, they decided not to.
Notable Quotables:
“They have those church things everywhere…they’re like Starbucks.”
“Is it scary?” No Nic, that waterslide is not nearly as scary as the prospect of you and Brandon breeding someday.
“Ask, watch, do something…you can’t keep doing it wrong.” Oh, I’ll bet he can, Nic. At least he was doing something – you seem to specialize in watching Brandon do all the work and whining while if he doesn’t do it to your satisfaction. Are you sure y’all aren’t married?
“We have to perform a ritual, who knows what could happen?” Was I the only one giggling maniacally at this point?
“His hair is what sells for him.” That’s a relief – I was afraid he was trying to make it on his brains.
“I’m just being stared at in, like, every direction.” And that’s never happened to you before, has it, little miss beauty pageant winner/model?
“We weren’t expecting to have to shave our heads…that kinda ruined it for us.” No, NOT shaving your heads ruined it for US.
“We were hopeless.” What do you mean, were?
This week: 200 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 610 Omarosas
3. Linda & Karen (3rd in Race, 3rd last TSI) – Their lesson: protect what you are given. Like Chip & Kim, this team lost valuable time retracing their steps due to inattention, since they left their bag at one of the route markers. Then again, maybe the lesson should be pick your battles. After all, Linda was ready to get in trouble with the police over a whopping $15. If she had stopped to listen instead of just starting to argue, she could have saved herself quite a bit of aggravation. Oh, maybe that should be the lesson…listen more, talk less. Colin could’ve used that one last ep, huh?
Notable Quotables:
“I need rubles.” No you don’t. You already had those…in Russia. They use different money here.
“Linda, we’re going to be in trouble. You can’t be flashing that money around.” Don’t worry, Karen. After all, it’s not like you’re swimming in rubles.
“Linda has been whining and I just want her to stop.” We do too. And while you’re at it, stop whining about her whining, K?
This week: 160 Omarosas
Overall: 575 Omarosas
2. Chip & Kim (2nd in Race, 1st last TSI) – The lesson to be learned here is to carefully read directions. This team was out in front until Chip’s haste led them to a major mistake – getting into a taxi instead of driving as required by the instructions. They had to turn back and complete the task, wasting valuable time.
Notable Quotables:
“I used to be a wheel man for the mob.” Yeah, Chip, that would explain your inability to follow directions and choice to let someone else do the driving.
“I’d rather get it over with as quickly as possible.” Funny, I would have expected that to be Kim’s line.
“Colin will beat himself, but we will facilitate.” Oh, I can’t go there. I want to, but I can’t. Don’t wanna be the first moderator banned from the forums.
“Can you believe it, to make his woman do that?”
This week: 110 Omarosas
Overall: 515 Omarosas
1. Colin & Christie (1st in Race, 4th last TSI) – This is the most important lesson of all…don’t be an a****le. When Colin loses his focus and lets his Mr. Hyde side out, this team flounders. When Dr. Jekyll is in the house, they do just fine.
Notable Quotables:
“I’m packing it!” Uh, this is a PG-13 site…for my own sake, I better leave this one alone.
“I’ll drive this bitch.” Col, Christie’s over there.
This week: 30 Omarosas
Overall: 4 Trumps, 485 Omarosas
Oh, and the part where Nicole said that God wanted them to still be in the Race? I’m willing to bet that the divine one would invoke the Free Will clause here. You know the one, where people are given the ability to choose their paths in life instead of being blindly obedient.
* Trust me on this one…I have tabulated the Ep. 8 scores, I’m just delayed posting the narrative.
** Yes, I know I’ve already used that joke in a previous TSI. Think of it like seeing Mr. Exposition Hands in every episode, or Phil explaining YET AGAIN what a Detour is.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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