LAST EDITED ON 06-25-01 AT 05:55 PM (EST)
LAST EDITED ON 06-25-01 AT 02:59 AM (EST)
Previously, on Blowing the Band:
We see the groupie wannabes shopping.
VolMel: Does this top show off my perky breasts to their best advantage?
Samiam: You don't think this skirt shows too much thigh, do you?
Lady_T: OMG! I LOVE red velvet cake!
Oops. Sorry, wrong show.
Ahem. Previously, on Blowsvivor:
Dalton: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! The Dalton says this; You will EAT or Drink or Swallow whatever is laid before you! The Dalton doesn't care if it is Sleeeve's penis, you will do with it what you're told.
VampKira: Surv.... Mon Cherie......a Vampire NEVER forgets!!!! Capise?? When you least expect it..... EXPECT IT!
RudyRules: I'm not Canadian!
The producer treats us to one of those stupid foreshadowing shots of a supposedly relevant animal. In this case, we get to stare at a cave full of bats sleeping. Whoopee.
Finally, the scene cuts to the BB camp. Hey, wasn't BB like the second guy to get booted on S1? No wonder this tribe sucks!
Superman is sitting on a log, making horrible whistling and moaning sounds. Upon closer examination, we can see that his face is almost entirely covered with glue. Upon closer, closer examination, we can see that his lips are glued shut and his nostrils are sealed, except for one tiny hole in his right nostril.
Superman: Mmmmmmm *whistle* mmmm *whistle whistle*.
He suddenly sits bolt upright and we hear VampKira's voice in his head.
VampKira: Oh, my poor, poor Superman. I know you didn't mean it, LOL. Don't worry about me. I've taken care of everything.
The rest of the camp is exceptionally still. The contestants are just starting to wake up.
GT: Ohhhh, my head. I don't remember going to BA's last night, but I've got the worst hang-over of my life.
The other members of the tribe look equally bad, if not worse, particularly Mon Cherie, who really looks like death warmed over. As each of them wake up, they scramble for pairs of Ray-Bans, which have mysteriously appeared during the night. They all shuffle around like zombies for a while. Every now and then, the sharp eye notices flecks of blood here and there. Interesting. Or not.
Meanwhile, over in the AA camp, OFG is cooking breakfast as Dalton comes out of the tent.
OFG: Mornin', Dalton. Want some rice?
Dalton: Let me have my morning peace pipe first.
OFG: Actually, I'm glad we've got some time alone... I've been wanting to talk to you.
Dalton doesn't say anything, but she notices a cloud in the sky, points at it a little bit, and it disappears.
OFG: I know what you're up to. I want in.
Dalton: Dalton doesn't know what you're talking about.
OFG: Your little alliance. Promise to take me to the final three, and I won't tell anyone.
Dalton: Dalton doesn't know what you're talking about.
Dalton leaves hastily, and points at the sky, causing a black cloud to form over OFG's head. It starts pouring on her.
OFG: I knew it. I'm getting better at this spoiling stuff all the time. Now if I can just figure out who Hawkeye is...
Back at BB camp, everyone is still in the tent, wearing heavy clothing and staying out of the sun. The camera pans to some tree-mail and back to the tent several times. Clearly, nobody's up for getting tree-mail.
Back to AA camp again, sleeeve comes back to the camp from trying to spoil the location of the next RC. He's picked up the tree-mail:
Lily, Lily, Lily
Get your pork chops here.
Milli and Vanilli
Greased her from tail to ear.
If you can catch
This wonderful sow
You can be eating
Some bacon right now.
Everyone is so damned excited, they leave for RC right that second. They get to the beach, which looks suspiciously like the set from Gilligan's Island. Is that the professor over there with a coconut radio? Oops, no. It's just AyaProbe, wondering where the hell the BB's are. Just as he's about to blow a gasket, Supes comes flying in with the rest of his tribe wrapped up in the tent. He dumps it on the ground, and wheezes through his tiny whistle-hole. The BB's manage to stumble out from under the tent. They still look terrible.
AyaK: All right, the tree-mail today didn't really keep anything a secret, did it? Blame the writers' strike. We've brought a great big sow on the set and greased her up. No, not Tamia. Whichever tribe can catch her first gets to keep her.
Just as the challenge is about to start, the sound of military choppers is heard, growing louder and louder. We can also hear strains of Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries." The choppers are clearly coming to the beach, and everyone ducks for as much cover as they can find. The choppers land and a familiar figure steps out, wearing a cowboy hat.
GW (sniffing hand): I love the smell of my palm in the morning!
Dalton: Holy crap.
GW: I've come with a mandrake from the American people to dissolve the ostrich dissertation.
Dalton: Holy crap.
GW spots AyaK and orders his men to fire. Bullets start flying and Supes jumps into the line of fire, deflecting bullets that would surely kill the Ayatollah. Dalton starts yelling, louder each time to be heard over the bullets.
Dalton: Dubya! Dubya! Dubya!
IceCat: Dot 1avenue dot com slash blowsvivor! Click on the shiny button!
GW: Hold your fiber! (Everyone stops shooting.) Hey, that's my old speechwriter! How are you, Dalton?
Dalton: I'm fine, Dubya. But we're not hostages. There is no situation to resolve.
GT: And you don't have a mandate, either.
Dalton: Shut up, you. You voted for Buchanan.
GT: Yeah, but I meant to vote for Gore. The ballot was just so confusing.
GW: You're not ostriches?
GW: And there's no dissertation to dissolve?
GW: All right, men. Missive accomplices. (mutters) Damn, how am I going to get my ratings up now?
GW and his men get back in their choppers and fly away.
AyaK: Okay, then... the challenge. BB's, I'm going to need you to strip down to something a little more revealing. Dubya's not the only one with ratings to worry about.
The BB's all strip down. And promptly burst into flames in the midday sun.
VampKira (swooping in and through the set): Revenge is mine! Ahahahahahahahaha!
Superman starts laughing so hard that the glue is dislodged from his nostrils and mouth, flying with incredible force straight into AyaK's ass.
sleeeve: So can we do the challenge now? I've got plans for that pig.
AyaK: No. Apparently, VolMel called her over to the "Blowing the Band" set during the gunfire.
OFG: So we win, right? Supes is the only one BB still alive.
AyaK: No. I declare the BB's the winners.
AyaK: I can't have an entire tribe pulling a Skupin. And declaring them the winners is the only excuse I can think of to bring them back to life.
sleeeve: The spoilers all point to you having Superman reverse time.
Superman: What's in it for me?
AyaK: To keep VampKira from biting everyone again, you'll have to have sex with her every night until you're booted off the show.
Superman: I'm on it.
And, of course, because sooner or later a writer was going to be desperate enough for a plot device to use the obvious Superman-reversing-time thing, it happens. Fortunately, we don't have to re-watch everything up to this ridiculously illogical point.
Well, we're up to the boring middle day. I'll skip all the tedious camp crap. Suffice it to say Supes looks like he's about screwed out and the rest of the BB's just look relieved to be alive and say OMG a lot. There a couple of brief incidents they show over that are ever so slightly more interesting, so I'll report those and then we'll get to the interviews.
A couple of black and white tails are seen bouncing above some bushes and we hear Pepe trying to track down DK.
SChick: Jeez, enough with the hormonal skunk already.
She stalks off into the bushes and pulls Pepe out, and then does her best Alicia impersonation, waving her finger in his face.
SChick: Hey, Odor-Eater! Didn't you ever hear that no means no? You gonna make us hold a candlelight march through camp? Put your willie back in its furry little sheath, or I swear I'm gonna cut it off!
Pepe backs down and SChick storms off.
Pepe: Does anyone else find it tres ironic that the one named Schick has the hairiest legs in the camp?
And over in the BB camp, GT is trying to talk to Svist.
GT: Hey, Svist.
Svist (staring at his finger): Svist isn't here, Mrs. Tirebiter.
GT: Okay, whatever.
And the interviews...
SnoopySucks: Originally, I just came along to keep RR company, and maybe hump a few legs. But I've realized something. These people are complete idiots! Is there anything in the rules that says a luxury item can't win? Because I can outsmart all of these people. Oh, yeah. Just you wait. RudyRules and SnoopySucks. Final two. You can bet the farm on it.
IceCat: Left bracket table frame equals quote box quote align equals quote left quote border equals quote three quote cellpadding equals quote ten quote frame equals quote void quote width equals quote ninety percent quote background equals slash slash community dot survivorblows dot com slash boards slash user underscore files slash 3b2f0af240419f81 dot jay peg quote right bracket. Left bracket tr right bracket. Left bracket td colspan equals two right bracket. Left bracket font size equals quote plus zero quote face equals quote arial quote right bracket. We're all feeling a little bit drained today. Left bracket slash font right bracket. Left bracket slash td right bracket. Left bracket slash table right bracket.
Superman doesn't say anything in his interview. He just keeps sniffing his fingers and sighing contentedly.
Survivorerist: If I had a little bunny, I'd hold it and keep it and pet it and call it George.
GT: Svist has been looking at me kinda funny today. I hope he's not going to turn into another stalker.
Back in the AA's tent, DK is thanking SChick by giving her a massage with the roller. SChick starts making clucking noises that sound suspiciously like, "Gotta get laid! Gotta get laid!" She rolls over and grabs DK, who furiously tries to get away. She is completely unsuccessful until a certain skunk comes into the tent and pulls the writhing DK off the furiously clucking SChick.
DK: Ooooohhhh, I never noticed what a big, strong skunk you were before.
Bowm-chicka-bow-wow. Insert cheesy 70's porn music here. And, just when things are starting to look interesting, the stupid-ass producer cuts to a commercial.
When we come back from commercial, it is night. The world is seen through that wacky lens that makes all of the contestants look like albinos with shiny red eyes. We see the leaves of some bushes rustling and hear some voices, both female, one an AA, one a BB.
BB: You were magnificent on the beach today. I was so proud.
AA: Do you think anyone suspects?
BB: That we're lesbian lovers?
AA: No. About our alliance.
BB: Of course not, my tribe is far too worried about all the challenges we're losing.
AA: Good. I can't wait for the merge. I'm sick of always being the tough guy.
BB: What say we do a little merging of our own, my Audrey Hepburn-Natalie Wood hybrid?
AA: You read my mind.
The camera zooms in and we're able to see the coupling of the two. Yes! Lesbian porn! Oh, man, wtf? They've put those stupid censor bars over all the naughty bits. Come ON! If I wanted to watch this crap, I'd squint through the wavy lines on the Playboy Channel! Screw this, I'm changing the channel!
Dabo: All right, Aymelek. Are you ready?
Aymelek: Yes, Dabo.
Dabo: Then let's play... Who Wants to Blow a Millionaire!
Aymelek belly dances.
Dabo: Is that your final contortion?
Monkeyboy (singing at Central Perk): Pirate cat, pirate cat, what are they feeding you?
Volmel: My brother-in-law once touched Dolly Parton's boob, so he's given me lots of pointers on how I can get closer to the band. Ah'm gonna win this thang, buhhh-dee.
Okay, looks like the censor's done. The worst episode ever has moved on to the next day.
Finally... with an hour of writing time to spare, we get to the final day. Absolutely nothing of interest happens, aside from IC and TC, so we'll cut right to the chase. Oh, you want tree-mail? Fine:
For immunity tonight,
Answer questions today.
Get too many wrong,
And one of you goes away.
You asked for it. And you wondered why SherpaDave has no entries in the SSC(PY) category? Guess that answered that question, huh?
On to the IC.
AyaK: All right. I'm going to ask questions and you're going to write the answers on those pads that were supplied by Target. First tribe to answer three questions correctly wins.
Superman and RudyRules go first.
AyaK: What company publishes the Superman series?
Supes writes "DC." RR writes "I dunno." 1-0 BB
Next up are GT and Pepe.
AyaK: What number am I thinking of right now?
Both write "7."
AyaK: The correct answer is seven without the French line through the middle of it. Stupid Canadian.
Next up are Svist and Schick.
AyaK: What is your favorite color?
Schick answers "Blue" (thanks for posting the psych quiz, Kismet). Svist answers "Redrum."
AyaK: The answer we were looking for is red. Close enough, Svist. The Bores win 3-0.
Dalton: Dalton says this is totally unfair.
AyaK: And do you have any other ideas how we can get to the merge with reasonably even numbers? I thought not. Aussies, I'll see you tonight.
Allrighty then. Finally, we get to hear some thoughts on how people might vote tonight. Basically, we see two quick scenes:
Dalton, SChick, RR, and Pepe are meeting.
Dalton: So, we're all agreed on the Texas-Canada alliance?
RudyRules: I'm not Canadian.
Dalton, sleeeve, OFG, and DK are meeting.
Dalton: So, we're all agreed on the American alliance?
And then they trudge along to TC. The cloud that Dalton created over OFG earlier is back and bigger and is raining on all of them throughout the walk and during TC.
AyaK: Well, it looks like being inside the studio doesn't guarantee that you can stay out of the rain.
AyaK: Dalton. Are you at all worried that your secret alliance with a member of the other tribe will hurt your chances before the merge?
Dalton: Dalton doesn't know what you're talking about.
AyaK: SChick, are you at all worried about your situation? You really f*cked up the IC.
SChick: Well, I knew I should have picked a different color, but I think I'll be okay.
AyaK: Kitty, are you at all concerned about your lack of face time this episode? Isn't it ridiculous that Sherpa didn't give you more sex scenes?
DK: Well, at first I was really annoyed. But I figure my storyline still needs fleshing out, so I'm safe.
AyaK: All right, let's vote.
Dalton: OFG, you're getting a little too close to figuring out my plan. You've gotta go.
DK: SChick, I'm sorry. I'm just not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
sleeeve: I should really vote with my alliance. But Dalton's had way more face time than anyone else, and that's the best spoiler information I have this week.
AyaK brings out the votes.
AyaK: First vote is for Dalton. Second vote is for SChick. Third vote is for SChick. Two votes for SChick, one vote for Dalton. Fourth vote is for OFG. Fifth vote is for Dalton. Two votes for SChick, two votes for Dalton, one vote for OFG. Sixth vote is for Dalton. Three votes for Dalton.
Finally, he pulls out the last vote. Is the suspense killing you?
AyayK: And we have a tie. No, we don't. I'm just kidding. Last vote is for Dalton. Dalton, bring me your head shot. The tribe has spoken.
Dalton storms up to AyaK and nearly beheads him with her 8x10.
Dalton: Dalton can't believe this! Dalton TOLD SherpaDave that she was in the Final Two! Dalton told all the writers she was in the Final Two! Dalton's going to kill a certain Sherpa!
She storms offstage, and we hear the sounds of SherpaDave being brutalized.
Votes shown during credits:
OFG: Dalton, you should have taken my offer. We could have gone all the way to the Final Three with GT.
Pepe: SChick, you need to stay away from my woman.
RudyRules: I am not Canadian! I am Quebecois! Stupid Dalton, trying to unify the independent sovereignty of Quebec with the hated Canadiens!
SChick: Dalton, I smelled someone on your breath today. And if SChick's not getting any, Dalton's not getting any.
Final voice heard as the credits end:
Dalton: Hey, VolMel. Does Lily like Sherpa testicles? Because I've got some fresh ones I could toss in her trough...