Sorry I'm behind, folks. I'll try and get caught up this week. I was a little under the weather last night, so I'm going to have to watch the Saturday rerun to catch some of the cool quotes.

TSI Episode 5: No Shirts, No Brains, No Elimination

Watching this episode of TAR made me so proud to be a woman. Given the examples of, ahem, manhood participating in this Race, I have a different notion on which is the weaker sex. Yeah, yeah…I know we’ve got to claim Mirna. But the remaining TAR men (and I use the term “men” loosely) have demonstrated their own brand of pathetic behavior. Let me count the ways:

Marshall & Lance: These guys look like they prepared for a Race around the world by reaching for the remote and watching travel videos. Marshall has injured his knee by (gasp) walking. And these two can always be counted on to whine about the conditions, the people, or life in general. This week’s example is “The Russians must be the most miserable people on the planet.” I’d say the pot is calling the kettle black, but Apprentice fans will appreciate how dangerous it is to use that phrase when Omarosa’s name has been invoked.

And one thing that frustrates men is their inability to move forward with a piece of valuable information. (Example: Mr. Bebo opens the fridge, stares at a gallon of milk sitting on the shelf right in front of him, and hollers to ask me if we have any milk.) Our Doughboys notice that Mirna & Charla are not waiting at the gate with the other teams, and correctly deduce that the two have found an earlier flight. But do they do anything with this information, like try and see if they could also get on an earlier flight? No, they just sit there. They remind me of one of my nephews, who doesn’t like to tie his shoelaces in the morning because he’d just have to make the effort to untie them at night.

Colin: He showed us this week that Christie is definitely not paired up with because of his brains, after he mistakenly identified Jesus as the Prodigal Son. (It’s probably more accurate to say that Jesus is the only one of God’s children who isn’t prodigal, but since religious discussions can get messy on these forums, I’m not going to present a major thesis to try and convince everyone of this point.)

Brandon: Oh, he set himself up by anointing himself as the Chosen One in an earlier episode, but he moved into priceless territory during this episode.

Quiz time!

Question 1: You’re physically stronger than your teammate, and the Roadblock is one that requires physical prowess. Do you…
a) Confidently tell your partner that you’ll take care of this one.
b) Feel a little nervous, but tell your partner that you’ll do it.
c) Whine about being scared of crevices and make scared faces at your partner until she shames you into doing it anyway.

Question 2: You’re physically stronger than most of your competitors and the Detour is one that requires physical strength. Do you…
a) Relish the opportunity to move up in the standings.
b) Complete the challenge quietly, trying not to draw attention to your team and alienate others.
c) Ask for help from an older man.

Brandon answered C to both questions. I wonder what Nicole sees in him – certainly not a spine.

Chip: His flaw? He’s too nice. Now mind you, that has its perks in life, but it’s a definite shortcoming in a Race. And that shortcoming was exploited twice in this leg by Brandon and Nicole. Not only did Chip help them finish the Detour, but his stopping to help the twins with the map allowed B&N to get to the Pit Stop ahead of his team.

Quiz Question: Fill in the blank – Nice guys finish _________.
Yes, you do get part credit if you said “…the caviar faster than everyone else.”)

Of course, the women are not squeaky clean in all this. (After watching Mirna root around in her hair trying to be presentable for Phil, I won’t even claim that they’re even remotely clean.)

Mirna

Quiz Question: What language do they speak in Russia?
a) Russian
b) Italian

But enough with the quizzes – after all, it may be back to school season, but the littlest Bebo isn’t ready for school yet. He’s only 7 weeks old – that’s a bit advanced, even for him.

Before I proceed to the grades, I’d like to admit that I did not have advance information on the Roadblock names. Some of you may note that I offered a suggestive…well, suggestion…for a Roadblock name last episode. This week’s offered the option to Hump & Ride. Sorry, I can’t top that, won’t even try.

This Week’s Scores: (position in Race, last week’s TSI standings in parenthesis)

1. Colin & Christie (1st in Race, 1st last TSI) – Gotta award this team 2 Trumps for building a big lead via catching the earlier flight, finding an earlier connection during their layover, and using the Fast Forward. Since there are only two FF’s in the whole Race, it made sense to go ahead and use it.

Quotable Quote:
“We’re going to get some good-ass tickets.” Good ass? Insert beauty queen joke here.

This week: 2 Trumps, 10 Omarosas
Overall: 4 Trumps, 60 Omarosas

2. Chip & Kim (4th in Race, 3rd last TSI) – Chip’s biggest crime is a willingness to help people. I won’t penalize him too harshly for that, even though it did cost his team one spot in the standings. After all, they’ll bunch up soon enough.

“You’re working like a well-oiled machine, Lady Girl.”

This week: 20 Omarosas
Overall: 160 Omarosas

3. Marshall & Lance (5th in Race, T-4th last TSI) – Once again, the Doughboys take home the not-so-coveted Ugly American Award, bestowed on the team that insults the locals the most, for referring to the miserable Russians. Maybe they’re just miserable because they’re dealing with you. Meanwhile, I’m just miserable because you’re boring.

This week: 10 Omarosas (because I couldn’t care enough to pay attention and give them any more)
Overall: 170 Omarosas

4. Brandon & Nicole (3rd in Race, 2nd last TSI) – Ew, PDA on the train. And then Brandon’s noisy in the museum.

THE Quote of the Week:
“I’m scared of the crevices.” Danger! Joke overload! Must.not.comment. OK, I’ll comment. Big bad Brandon is scared and wants Nicole to do the Roadblock? Obviously, the only stones associated with these two are the ones on the Egyptian ruins.

Other Quotes:
“Chip, can you help a brother?” Brandon, you’re obviously the brother that Chip’s family tries to pretend doesn’t exist. I feel like I’m watching Steve Martin in “The Jerk”.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.” Nicole has a point. After all, she’s not scared of crevices…or alcohol…or fish eggs…or her own shadow…

This week: 50 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 180 Omarosas

5. Linda & Karen (7th in Race, T-4th last TSI) – They had to play flight catch-up because they didn’t specify that the cabbie should take them to the international airport, and they went to the domestic one instead. I’d give them more Omarosas, but I’m taking pity on them because I hate the twist where the team that finishes last in a non-elimination round loses all of their money and doesn’t get any in the next round. I have a problem with expecting these folks to beg in some of these countries. People there need to save their money for their own trivial needs, like food and shelter.

This week: 50 Omarosas
Overall: 210 Omarosas

6. Kami & Karli (6th in Race, 6th in last TSI) – I’m being generous this week and giving out another Trump, since it was a good time-saving idea to have someone walk them directly to the painting and then to a travel agency. They caught up to a number of teams ahead of them. I should take it right back, since they didn’t use the puzzle pieces with the map, choosing instead to wander aimlessly until Chip pointed them in the right direction.

“Karli and I have no plan. We have no idea where we’re going.” Obvious Award.

This week: 1 Trump, 40 Omarosas, and one 666 joke Look at the standings above. Kinda fitting, huh?
Overall: 1 Trump, 220 Omarosas

Charla & Mirna (2nd in Race, 7th last TSI) – Show of hands…who was surprised when they got lost trying to find the train station? (or, in their words, the Choo Choo Choo! Station). Still, I begrudgingly award them a Trump as well, for using the time during their long layover in Frankfurt to get an earlier connection.

Quotable Quotes:
“My hair formed icicles on the way to the train station.” And no, Phil won’t like that look either.

“Charla, do a dance for us, entertain us while we wait.” Let’s assess the situation…Charla is running this Race to prove to the world that she is capable of doing anything. Her partner thinks that her main contribution to the Race at this time is to entertain the big people while they wait in line. No, that’s not perpetuating stereotypes, is it?

“You look like a true jockey.” See sterotypes, perpetuating.

“Bellissimo!” You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means. And I don’t think it’s the language that you think it is. But hey, as long as you’re speaking a foreign language to foreigners, they’ll get it, right Mirna?

“Look at the pyramids, they’re huge!” Insert midget joke here.

“Charla, can you go faster?” How long will it take Mirna to figure out that since Charla’s legs are considerably shorter than hers, it will take Charla longer to get to a destination? Here’s a quarter, buy a clue.

“We stink, as usual.” You said it, Mirna. Looks like I need to split that Obvious Award again this week.

This week: 1 Trump, 90 Omarosas
Overall: 2 Trumps, 365 Omarosas

Have whip, will travel.