****Official Summary - Bachelorette Episode 2 - Top Ten Lists****

Last time on The Bachelorette: Oh, you know the drill. 25 men, 5 limousines, 3,614 cocktails, 15 roses, 1 rose left, 1 overhead champagne toast.

Let's get going . . .

Top Ten Expectations for Episode 2

1. Meredith will have a difficult time deciding who goes home.
2. The word “dramatic” will be associated with the Rose Ceremony.
3. At least one bachelor will complain about not getting any 1-on-1 time with Meredith.
4. Meredith will appear in three teasing video messages.
5. The men, being men, will high five each other at some point.
6. Dajaki will confuse Chad with Brad and Ryan R. with Ryan M.
7. Rick will find some way to promote one of his plethora of products.
8. Someone will get the first kiss.
9. The only liquids we will see anyone drink require a driver’s license to purchase.
10. Chris will remind everyone that there is one rose left.

The second episode opens with Chris the Generic Host Guy calling all the fellas into the living room of the luxurious Beverly Hills mansion in which they are residing. There is a little chitchat so that all can see how satisfied the bachelors are with the amount of money ABC is spending on them. Then Chris launches into the very important things he must tell them. First of all, The Bachelorette, in an attempt to avoid predictability, will not begin with 3 group dates. The men look around in surprise, or at least Ryan M. does. I think. I can never tell if he's surprised or if his eyebrows are permanently fixed in the upright and locked position. Meredith will go on two group dates with 7 men each, and Rick, the lucky recipient of the white rose, will get the first 1-on-1 date.

Rick graciously receives the accolades of his competitors and manages to do it while looking like a tool in a ridiculous little black hat. Rick attributes his ownership of the white rose to the infamous and oft cited "connection". "We looked into each other's eyes. I think that we could see each other's souls." You know, that line works no better on TV than it does in a Harlequin Romance. And Rick's creepiness factor goes up.

Chris (I keep typing Christ and have to edit it) introduces this group of rubes to the concept of videotape, telling them that Meredith's invitations will come in this high tech medium. He pops the first one in the VCR. Now, the invitation is full of annoying innuendo and a cheesy blown kiss, but what really bugs me is that Meredith is wearing a pink and black lace bustier. Who the heck wears a bustier for off-road riding? Does she want the men to think that this date is an odd permutation of the Bambi hoax; whoever catches the lingerie-clad girl gets her? Ick. But, once the video is over, the men, being men, pass around the high fives.

Who Needs a Luxe Spa When You Can Get a Mud Treatment this Way?

Meredith picks up the 7 men, and they head out to the airport where 2 helicopters are waiting to whisk them away. Meredith sits between Chad and Marcus for the ride out. Marcus looks as if he is going to grab a barf bag at any second, while Chad can't wait for the next time the pilot banks sharply so that Meredith will lean into him. I see that Chad gets thrilled as easily as most junior high boys do.

The party of 8 lands at Coyote Dry Lake in Paradise Valley, CA. They gear up, choose their ATVs and have a grand old time. Evidently, the dry lake ain't so dry, because Meredith & Co. find a choice mud bog in which to spin tires and spatter each other ferociously.

Meanwhile, back at the bachelors' luxurious Beverly Hills mansion, Rick's video invitation appears. Meredith, having ditched the bustier, is wearing Gwyneth Paltrow's pink Oscar evening gown that an ABC gopher found at a thrift shop on Melrose. She is also wearing a white fluffy thing around her shoulders. I won't say what it is just in case any of my friends from PETA are reading. I wouldn't want to offend them; after all, they never offend me. Meredith invites Rick to dinner at a luxurious Beverly Hills mansion (hereafter LBHM) where they'll have a ball. Okay, first of all, why dinner at an LBHM? Rick's living in one with 14 other guys. Meredith's living in one with a stockpile of roses. Do they really need to eat dinner at another one? And another thing, how many LBHMs does this production have access to? I've been to Beverly Hills. No one is standing on street corners just handing out door keys to these things! Anyway, Rick is so thrilled at the prospect of going on a date with girl and having a ball that he has to put his awful black hat in his lap.

Returning to the most fun of the 3 dates - After all the mud-encrusted DAWs have cleaned up in the designated Bachelorette RV, the men have opportunities for individual wooing at a fabricated "oasis" a short distance away from the RV. It's really rather cute in a Wal-Martian sort of way; two potted palms, a blow up swimming pool, a large mat, and several throw pillows left over from the annual white sale. Ryan M. is the first to take advantage of the setting, followed by a brief parade of other men. Soon it's time for Meredith and the 7 dwarves to return to the city. The ride back is filled with merry moments involving liquor in Styrofoam cups and a scary minor league hockey player in baby-making mode.

Top Ten Highlights of ATV Date
1. Ryan M. discovers that Reality TV is real yet insists on describing it as surreal.
2. Matthew plucks globs of mud from Meredith’s face – and it’s a sexy moment!
3. Harold, in an odd interpretation of Emma Thompson’s performance in Peter’s Friends, begs Meredith to let him fill her with his babies.
4. Brad mistakes his alone time with Meredith for an audition on The Apprentice.
5. The pool at the oasis has a rubber ducky floating in it.
6. Ryan M. really expects his 30s to be the greatest stage of his life.
7. The plastic set-decorating flamingos are, mercifully, left in the desert.
8. ATV discrimination abounds as all the men get green ATVs while Meredith is stuck with an orange one.
9. Brad’s missing Speedo story, aired at the end of the episode, which we all know he invents on the spot just to get Meredith to start thinking about his bare bum.
10. Meredith’s whole-hearted fun, ripping through the mud on the ATV. You know Trista wouldn’t have done that!

Not Since the Santa Ana Winds Has So Much Hot Air Blown Through California . . .

Before the date with Rick, Meredith explains that he got the white rose because she felt a little spark with him. If she had checked, I'm sure she would have attributed that spark to the fact that he was wearing a pair of his hideous slippers and rubbing his feet repeatedly on the carpet before shaking her hand.

Meredith arrives to pick him up wearing a beautiful beaded dress in the Art Deco style. Unfortunately, a gray tweed coat in the Drizzly London Day style covers it. Rick is carrying a dozen white roses. That is a nice touch. They arrive at the LBHM, which Meredith describes as a fairy tale for a girl. It would be a fairy tale for a guy if it were the Playboy Mansion.

A butler serves cocktails in the study prior to dinner. Meredith starts to realize what we've known all along - Rick is really funny. It's true that he doesn't mean to be funny. He means to be sophisticated, urbane, suave even. Alas, watching Rick's attempts at refinement may be the most amusing offering of this series. His foibles include (1) describing himself as a metrosexual. Now, I don't know anyone who would describe himself as a metrosexual, but I bet that people who do use this term need to identify with a group of like individuals who are desired neither by the heterosexual female population nor by the homosexual male population. Foible (2) is asking the butler for California Oak Chardonnay. This is wrong for a few reasons. First of all, it's cocktail time and Rick just finished a martini. Don't mix drinks if dinner is coming very soon. Secondly, the only reason he orders so specifically is to impress Meredith, kind of like Sarah Kozer on JM1 asking for red wine that wasn't "grapey" from a French sommelier. Thirdly, he let slip to Meredith, per her confessional, that he doesn't like red wine. A sophisticate would not admit that and would, in fact, pursue an education in red wine to learn to appreciate it. Foible (3) is picking at his basil, mozzarella and tomato salad because he doesn't like basil. Rick, eat a bit of the darn salad. No one needs to see you behaving like a 7-year-old because you didn't get a green salad with Ranch dressing.

Sometime during this date, the viewers are brought back the LBHM housing the remaining bachelors. The last video invitation arrives and all sit down to watch. No need to describe this video. The gist of it is that the next 007 date is to a ranch. Woo hoo. I think the only person who's even halfway excited about it is Lanny.

After dinner, Meredith and Rick take the elevator, which is identical to the one at Dajaki's house, down to the twin bowling lanes. Rick brags about what a fantastic bowler he is, extracts a promise from Meredith to give him a rose should he win, and then promptly loses. I love Rick. He's always good for a laugh.

The date ends in the limo, where Meredith bestows the first kiss. I think it's kind of icky, but this show is about her, not about me. When they arrive back at the bachelors' LBHM, Rick gets out, notices that all the other men are watching out the window, then leans in for a goodnight kiss. He had to establish his dominance to the other men. Again, icky.

Top Ten Things Dajaki Would Have Liked to See on Rick’s Date
1. The ABC censors bleeping Rick’s “F**k that!”
2. Meredith swings back the bowling ball, lets it go, and hits Rick in the groin.
3. Rick being a little more pretentious.
4. Less of Meredith’s coat (blah), more of Meredith’s dress (Yowza!).
5. Meredith’s bowling score – 300; Rick’s bowling score – 64.
6. Rick’s defense of his self-description as adventurous but not at all outdoorsy. I’ll bet he plays Scrabble with half the vowel tiles removed!
7. Meredith compares Rick’s complexion with the genuine cow hide boots she’s going to wear on her next date.
8. Meredith blows Rick’s slipper business out of the water by describing them as ugly and pinchy.
9. Meredith tells Rick that anyone who feels comfortable using the term metrosexual on national television is a pompous ass.
10. The butler, upon being requested California Oak Chardonnay by Rick, responds, “As opposed to Chardonnay from Kansas that is aged in plastic buckets?”

Do Reins Really Go "Jingle, jangle, jingle"?

The next morning, Meredith, in ponytails and a folksy knit shawl, arrives to escort her brood to the ranch. All of the men are forced to wear western shirts donated by the Walker, Texas Ranger Museum; all of them except Lanny, of course, who wears his own shirt.

Upon the group's arrival, Meredith instructs her suitors to select their own mounts. She must clarify that she means horses when three of the men make a beeline for her. Meredith, who has already confessed her fear of horses, looks askance at the four-legged beasts. Lanny comes to her rescue and gives her a few tips that will ensure that she survives the date.

The urban cowboys make their way to the arena where they are given a challenge. Among a small herd of brown steers is a white steer. The man who can pen the critter the quickest wins some 1-on-1 time with Meredith. I was fairly impressed with the performances of all the men. I was sure they would rack up the minutes, but no one is shown who exceeds 60 seconds. Todd wins the day when he manages to steer the steer in 20.5 seconds.

Todd and Meredith escape to a barn and have their heart-to-heart while sitting on bales of hay. Todd attributes his success to his frightening black and red shirt. You know, that's as good a reason as any.

Later, everyone gathers around a campfire for a photo op. Lanny convinces Meredith to step aside for some private discussion. Afterwards, he determines that Meredith is certainly worth pursuing since she seems genuinely interested in him, his job and his family. Ah, Lanny has watched all previous Bachelor/ette installments and expected Meredith to be as self-absorbed as Alex, Aaron, Trista, Andrew and Bob are. What a pleasant surprise our Miss Meredith is.

Top Ten Highlights of Rodeo Date
1. Meredith playfully sprinkles hay on Todd’s big black cowboy hat.
2. Todd’s big black cowboy hat; and Todd, like Tim McGraw, should leave the hat on!
3. Meredith looks terrified that somehow a horse will be able to reach her head with its hoof from 20 feet away.
4. Lanny the horse breeder can’t beat a brew-pub owner at a rodeo event.
5. Elliot is to horse as VW Bug is to Tacoma Narrows Bridge.
6. The drinking of the omnipresent alcohol from mason jars.
7. Kumbayah moments
8. Limited viewing of any men playing the guitar; guess ABC doesn’t want a repeat of Blob Guiney’s budding musical career on their dime.
9. Lanny describes how he helps mares birth foals on straw just like the straw he and Meredith are sitting on. That's Texas romance for you.
10. Black shirt, red appliqué – the choice of urban cowboys and metrosexuals.

And Then There Were Ten . . .

The cocktail party prior to the Rose Ceremony doesn't offer up too many revelations. Most of the bachelors get an opportunity to plead their cases one last time. Ian charms, Harold frightens, Matthew promises homemade tortillas and Marcus begs but is kindly rejected when Meredith calls him "sweetie". Kiss of death.

Chris gathers Meredith to his side and brings her up to the deliberation room. They briefly discuss the merits of the men downstairs who are sliding into drunkenness before Meredith is left alone to view their video messages. Okay, I know that these messages are edited for time and we viewers only get to see a small snippet of each one, but how much work would it have been to avoid hearing nearly everyone say "Meredith, I had a great time on our date." So boring.

When Meredith descends from the heavens and parts the jacketed sea, she offers up the same lame speech that every past contestant did. Amazing dates, blah, blah, 15 men, blah, blah, only 10 roses, blah, guy for me, blah, blah. I did like how she finished with "I've enjoyed each and every one of you." Hmmm. Makes one wonder how much of each date was edited out.

Top Ten Men Meredith Chooses to Continue the “Journey”

1. Rick - Said it before will say it again, Rick is the King of Regular Self-Promotion, or KRS-P, which is, coincidentally, what his skin will become if he can't get over his tanning bed addiction.
2. Todd - If you had told me before the show aired that Todd would be in the 3rd round, I would have laughed, laughed, laughed. Now I like him, I really like him.
3. Chad - Huge, gorgeous eyes, but still a little weird.
4. Brad - Not that bad, yet not that great.
5. Sean - I have no idea who this man is.
6. Lanny - Yee Haw! This cowboy kicks the ass of Brook from Bachelorette Uno.
7. Ryan R. - He said he would hang on for a rose. I think he's barely hanging onto his sanity.
8. Matt - My choice for the winner.
9. Ian - Ehh.
10. Ryan M. - You know, you can get those things waxed.

The rejects file out, each expressing sorrow that Meredith didn't see how perfect each of them could be for her. Marcus, who has yet to change his facial expression, even declares that he is an emotional wreck. O-kay.

Top Ten Expectations for Episode 3

1. Chad will repeat his Speedo story, this time describing his bottom as muscular, sleek and glistening.
2. Ian will answer every question with "I do."
3. Ryan M. will pluck his eyebrows into pencil thin lines.
4. Sean will show up.
5. Rick will find some way to promote one of his plethora of products.
6. Todd will reassure us that he is not going for Donald Trump's comb-over.
7. Brad will steal Harold's strategy of begging for children.
8. Ryan R., per the previews, will stop taking his meds and go off the deep end.
9. Lanny will start calling Meredith his little buckaroo.
10. Matt will deliver on the homemade tortillas and be recruited by Wolfgang Puck to open a Mexican restaurant.

Thank you, and good night!