Yeah, I know I'm behind a week. I'll get caught up.
TSI Episode 3: Two Tickets to Elimination
Previously on TSI…Alison and Donny got what they deserved.
As I mentioned in the last TSI, this would require a lot more effort now that reality TV’s last power-couple-of-the-minute left the party. Add to it an episode where the outcome was decided before they got off the first freakin’ plane, and you can understand why I had a hard time prioritizing this over doing baby laundry. On the plus side, I don’t have to elaborate a lot in this episode, since most of the mistakes could be forgotten amidst the egregious error.
This TSI could also be called TAR 101, since we saw some flagrant violations of basic things that by the fifth installment of the Race should be obvious. I think even young Baby Bebo – at a whopping 5 weeks – could figure out some of this stuff.
On to the scores (parenthesis shows position in Race followed by ranking in last week’s TSI).
T-1. Colin & Christie (1st, 1st) – Are we supposed to be turned on by the bare-chested shots of Colin in the intro? Doesn’t work for me. 5 Omarosas for such a cheesy attempt at DAWdom. I will Trump this team, though, for Colin’s strategy of being nice to other teams early in the Race so that they’ll provide C&C Music Factory with information later. Only time will tell if the strategy works, but he gets credit for thinking ahead.
“Just stop talking, OK?” Um, Colin, that’s not the way to make your lady swoon over you.
This week:5 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 30 Omarosas
T-1. Bob & Joyce (4th, 2nd) – Were they even in this episode?
This week: Didn’t care enough to give them anything.
Overall: 1 Trump, 30 Omarosas
3. Brandon & Nicole (3rd, 4th) – Are we supposed to be turned on by the bare-chested shots of Brandon in the intro? Doesn’t work for me. 5 Omarosas for such a cheesy attempt at DAWdom. Somehow, I don’t think God wanted Brandon to tell Nicole to stop the car in the middle of the mud. Surprise, surprise, they got stuck. Surprise, surprise, I gave them Omarosas for that. And it wouldn’t be a TAR episode without a God Squad quote, this time courtesy of Nicole: “I’m just trying to trust in the Lord.”
Had to give them credit, though, for wisely using the time on their flight to get the exact directions to their next route marker from a fellow passenger. That sort of initiative earns them a Trump.
“I’ve got a bigger stomach.” Brandon, is that really why you wanted to do the chocolate roadblock, or were you worried about recreating the woman eating the forbidden food story?
This week: 1 Trump, 35 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 130 Omarosas
4. Chip & Kim (7th, T-7th) Brak brak brak bottom feeders brak brak brak twins brak brak brak Race. Yawn.
“My nickname for the twins is the bad seeds.” Wow, with friends like these…
“Look, I gotta walk bowlegged now.” Chip the Sky Cowboy. Woohoo.
“We’re such stemwads.” Um, I’m not familiar with that term. Don’t think I want an explanation, either.
This week: Not worth the effort to write anything down
Overall: 140 Omarosas
T-5. Linda & Karen (6th, 6th)
During the paragliding, it looked like Linda was going to chicken out. This could hurt the team in future legs, since Karen might reconsider doing some of the more challenging Detours out of concern that Linda wouldn’t finish.
“You forgot my middle name’s Mario Andretti!” Gee, I thought it was a Southern tradition to take middle names from auto racing.
This week: 30 Omarosas
Overall: 160 Omarosas
T-5. Marshall & Lance (3rd, 8th) – If Charla & Mirna’s gimmick is to get lost during each episode, these guys corner the market on car trouble, following up on last week’s taxi running out of gas fiasco by getting a flat tire in this episode. And even though both of them carry spare tires around their midsections, those were of little use to them in getting through the car trouble. Speaking of their spare tires, who would have thunk that they were the ones who would struggle with the chocolate challenge?
Editor’s Note: During this episode, I actually was able to tell Marshall & Lance apart. However, I still didn’t care.
Note to guys: At some point, your strategy to finish next-to-last is going to fail. After all, if you finish next-to-last in the last leg, that means you don’t win. Just sayin’.
“Marshall & I are not body builder type physiques.” Hello, Obvious Award.
“Dude, who said two fat Jewish guys can’t change a tire.”
“You’re not going to throw up, you’ll be fine.” Gee Lance, you said you don’t even like sweets, yet you’re criticizing your partner for eating what you didn’t want?
“You do know what the color white is?”
This week: 80 Omarosas
Overall: 160 Omarosas
7. Kami & Karli (5th, 9th) – They were relatively non-annoying this episode.
“I think Chip is an ass.” Takes one to know one, sugar.
This week: Who cares?
Overall: 180 Omarosas
8. Charla & Mirna (2nd, T-7th) – OK, Charla getting electrocuted by the fence didn’t hurt them in the Race, and it provided some humor to a dark, muddy situation, but it’s still worth awarding some Os. In an “I Miss Donny & Alison” moment, I wonder if Alison would have tried to trick Donny into peeing on the electric fence in an effort to remind him who had the cojones in that partnership. Hey, was anyone surprised when Charla & Mirna got lost during this episode? Since it happens every freakin’ episode, I think the bigger surprise would be them actually finding their destinations without incident.
Speaking of retreads, we once again get to hear Charla talking about how willing people are to help her. Well, gee, sure they are, if you keep lying to them and manipulating them. This time, when she was told the flight she wanted was full, she lied that she needed to go to the doctor. Rant to Charla – if you really wanted to prove your capabilities to the world, you’d stop manipulating people with lies. Personally, I’m more impressed when you do things like carry heavy objects without complaining than when you make up stories.
And yet again, we have a team that has driving issues. Um, by the fifth Race, haven’t people learned that they need to be able to drive stick? Mirna struggled. Sigh. That’s a TAR 101 lesson.
And Mirna gets to split the Obvious Award for this week: “Charla, hurry up, we’re in a Race.” Silly me, I thought I was watching a circus. Or a bad dating show.
Other Priceless Quotes:
“If you give these people a chance, they squash you like a bug.” Mirna says this after cutting in front of the Doughboys after overhearing their conversation. Hmmmm, any surprise that people don’t want to help them?
“White, white, just bite them!” Was Mirna thinking about Phil while Charla bit into the chocolates? Ooo, wish I could erase that mental picture. Sorry.
“Who was that? Someone just yelled Bitch.” That would be the audience, Mirna.
“Every time Phil sees us, we look awful.” Hate to break it to ya, Mirna, but playing with your hair for a few moments isn’t going to change that.
This week: 75 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 215 Omarosas
9. Jim & Marsha (Eliminated, 5th) – I don’t know what gets to me more, knowing who was toast before the plane rides were over or watching a team that I had enjoyed cheering for do something colossally stupid to seal their doom. This is a TAR 101 lesson: make sure you get the correct tickets while there’s still a chance to do something about it (like, when you’re at the counter talking to the ticket agent, for example). Marsha was so caught up in buying tickets for another team, and then trying to get fancy by purchasing 1 ticket for one flight even though she needed 2, that she lost sight of the overall goal. The Race isn’t won by being on an earlier flight on the third leg, but it can be lost by missing out on the flight that everyone else is taking. If she hadn’t tried to be slick and had just tried to buy two tickets on the next available flight, her team would have been right in the thick of things instead of dead before they got on a plane.
False Hope Quote:
“So, if they suck at driving, we have a chance.” Your flight was an hour and half behind the closest competitors – think of how badly they’d have to suck.
Prerequisite Sweet Mushy Farewell Quote (and it needed to be especially sweet and mushy, since Alison & Donny didn’t give us one last week…wait, Donny did when he said he hated Alison. But I digress.):
“Anything I thought I could teach her, she already knew.” That would be because she’s not the 6-year-old you thought she was, dad.
This week: 300 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 410 Omarosas
Next week…Charla and Mirna piss people off. Again.
Have whip, will travel.