LAST EDITED ON 04-06-04 AT 03:43 AM (EST)
First, let me say this. Good job Adam. You went with your instincts, and I can't fault you for that. I for one, am not disappointed in you. Why? Because your human.
Everyone on this board, and including yourself, had this very naive idea that a person, when given a choice between someone who is by relative definitions "attractive" versus someone who is not as "attractive", but by some obscure definition "a more genuine person", the person doing the chosing would pick the latter.
First of all, these two categories are not mutually exclusive. Meaning, an "attractive" person will posses some qualities that are "genuine", and a "geniune" person will have qualities that are "attractive". But I haven't revealed anything that most adults don't already know. I believe this crossover causes a person to chose a mate they find more "attractive" in the hopes that the more "attractive" person will continue to develop qualities he or she considers more "genuine".
Second, social desireability forces us say that we are in favor of substance over appearances. Yet when the moment arrives for US to make a choice between the two, we generally chose appearances. In reality, very rarely are we put in situations where we are confronted with this choice. Relationships normally occur in succession, not simultaneously. And unless the person who is "attractive" happens to be a total jerk, we'll tend to give them the benefit of the doubt, at least for a time. This is a natural occurrence in any relationship. But when juxtaposed with a relationship in which the other person isn't as "attractive", the decision may seem cruel or unbeleiveable.
Finally, as the saying in coaching circles goes, "you can't teach height or speed," neither can you teach passion. It is more realistic to presume that we can help a person we find physically desireable to become a better person on the inside, than we can help a person we find to be a great human being be more physically attractive on the outside. What we see is basically what we're gonna get.
We must be careful not be hypocritcal in our indictment of Adam. His decision making process and ultimately his final choice was not unnatural, in fact just the opposite. It was a decision that, if given the opportunity, the majority of us would've made. Yet nearly unanimously, all of us are pointing our fingers at him and saying, "That's the bad guy!"
"Why don't you try pointing that high-powered microscope at yourself and tell me what you see, or maybe you're afraid to?" - Clarice Starling