OMH...I don't know what got me to the Mr Personality website in the first place, but I was reading the recap of the last episode of and I just had to share LOL

Episode #4 (a.k.a. “The Widowmaker”)
5/12/03

We open with a bang: a tight, crystal-clear shot of a statue’s ass. Foreshadowing? Only time will tell, dear friends!

Hayley’s lounging around in bed when Fraser the Butler brings her a “video message.” Sadly, it’s not delivered via a cutting-edge picture-phone, and it’s not Little Richard “sassin’ it up” at a bowling alley. Instead, it’s Chris (Dark Green) wishing her a good morning. Note to readers: we haven’t seen an early-morning grab for Hayley’s affection this strong since Peyton (Orange) took it up a notch with his now legendary plate of waffles.

The other guys are becoming less and less fond of Chris (or “Hypnosis McGee” if you’re a close friend), and we start to see why: he’s wearing a rodeo outfit over an American-flag-enhanced Superman logo t-shirt. We find out that he’ll be riding horses with Hayley. Ah, well at least that explains the Superman shirt (sass!).

The sight of Chris riding a horse causes us to have P.O.W.-style flashbacks of Billy Zane in The Phantom, but we press on. Hayley’s decked out in a cowboy hat, and we know we’re in for a rootin’-tootin’ Old West adventure because we’re listening to a dynamic new “country” version of the Mr. Personality date music. This stuff’s made in New York City?!?

A “hawk” flies overhead, and Chris takes this opportunity to educate Hayley about Native American hawk mythology, and how this bodes well for their future together.

(Insert sound of us meekly tapping Chris on the shoulder and telling him that it’s a VULTURE and not a HAWK)

The look on Chris’ face is something akin to the faces of the crowd at the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance after hearing Marty McFly’s wild “future” rock and roll. Somebody call Chuck Berry! This kid’s on to something! After some backpedaling, all parties agree that the vulture isn’t going to be named Mr. Personality’s state bird.

At “Lookout Point,” Chris tells us that he LOVES calling Hayley “Princess Valentine,” and he attempts to really seal the deal by busting out a Disney storybook. Hayley’s not into it. Chris tells us that females really dig that kinda stuff. Hayley tells us that they don’t. Then it starts to rain. We haven’t seen a bad omen like this since the vulture incident a few minutes back.

Hayley tells us that there was definitely no magic today, while we learn an important lesson: hypnotic powers are rendered useless by water! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

It’s time for Will’s (Silver) date, and once again he opens the door in his underwear! Did we learn NOTHING from last week?!? We find out that he and Hayley are going fishing on a…NOOOOOOOOOO! MORE UNDERWEAR SHOTS! WILL IT EVER END?

Ok, he’s clothed again (for now, but we’ll stay vigilant). He tells us that he’s starting to get a little jealous, and that he’s definitely going to have to make the first move.

After a short plane ride, they arrive on the island and meet their fishing instructor, who doles out somewhat-dirty-sounding advice like “drop your rod tip,” and such.

PEYTON UPDATE: Peyton is sunning himself on a balcony. He thinks Will’s moving too fast. Take a breather, Will! Listen to the P-Dog!

On the beach, Will tells Hayley that he NEVER opens up to women, so this is a HUGE thing for him. Blah, blah, blah…

KISS! A Baywatch-style opening piano riff creeps in as we watch the Willinator lay down his moves. Hayley thinks it’s magical, but wonders whether it will last if the mask comes off. Meanwhile, the FOX ad promo guys are giving each other high-fives. “YES! She used our ‘mask comes off’ promo line! BLEEP yeah! Synergy, baby, synergy!!!”

Peyton’s (Orange) up next. He and Hayley are going golfing, or “hitting the links” as the pros have been known to say. In a bit of wicked-brilliant cross-cutting, we watch the other suitors talk trash about Peyton, while Peyton…get this…hits golf balls that are colored to MATCH THE MASK COLORS OF HIS OPPONENTS!

“Sorry Will.” (Thwack)

“Chris, you didn’t do me right, brotha.” (Thwack)

“Let’s have a little Jim here.” (Thwack)

(Editor’s Note: We don’t know if we’ll ever be ready for “a little Jim”)

“Not too bad, Jim.”

We’re faced with two big disappointments:

1) Hayley isn’t going to play the LPGA Tour in her lifetime.

2) Peyton doesn’t pull the old “let me teach you to swing by grabbing your hips from behind” move.

“Aren’t we having fun?” asks Peyton. “We’re SO having fun,” says Hayley. “We are too, guys!” we yell out. Let’s start a secret clubhouse! We can even have a “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign (except for Hayley of course!!!). It’ll be SO MUCH FUN!!!

WOOOOOSH! (Insert sound of owls hooting and armored knights battling for their honor in far-away fields)

A fell wind blows over the land as Will (Silver) addresses us:

“20 years…searching the globe…looking for a girl that I want to call my wife.”

(Insert lightning crash, sound of a dragon breathing its last breath)

“I find her in a Malibu mansion, hanging out with other guys, right after she hangs out with me. Probably kissing other guys.”

(Insert sound of galloping horses and Ring-Wraiths approaching)

“I don’t know what’s going on out there. I don’t want to know.”

We’re back! It’s time for…Dinner with Peyton (coming this fall to a theatre near you, it’s a fish out of water story…with a twist)! Much to our surprise, Peyton is a huge Miss Saigon fan! BOOM. That’s enough to score a kiss (how could it not be, what with such hits as “Bui Doi” and “The Heat is on in Saigon”) from Hayley. Peyton tells us that he’s on Cloud Nine, but doesn’t take this opportunity to express himself with a song (our loss).

Will tells us that Peyton has a “weird, smirky smile” on his face, and we get to witness quite the little masked spat:

“What are you doing?” says Will.

“My coat still smells like Hayley,” says Peyton.

“Oh dude, that’s sick,” groans Will. “You smell like Hayley?”

“This jacket smells like Hayley,” replies Peyton.

Will is visibly crushed. Peyton tells him not to take it personally, and tries to liven up the mood by giving Will a nipple twister. Bad idea, Orange Julius.

At long last, it’s time for Jim’s (Purple) date. He and Hayley go to a Mission-style courtyard, where they’re met by some Salsa dancers. It’s lesson time! Hayley complains that she felt Jim’s “walls” while dancing with him (and yes, we said “walls,” sicko).

Jim moves in for a kiss, and Hayley thinks it’s a little inappropriate (Jiiiim…not with the Salsa dancers in the room!). Jim’s very nervous at dinner, and he tells Hayley that the mask is stifling his ability to express himself. But (as always) that’s nothing a little booze can’t fix!

It’s party time once again at the mansion, and Jim’s “expressing himself” just fine (as are the rest of our gallant crew). Shots are being pounded, bottles are being emptied and sage-like wisdom is being shared. Here’s one such chestnut re: doing shots, courtesy of Will (Silver): “ You wanna be cool, right?”

Tonight’s Hayley’s last chance to take someone down to the dark room. As she steps into the nest of vipers (or “the living room”), she finds the following scene (best expressed in written-out sound effects):

SLAM (SHOT GLASS HITTING TABLE)! SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE (MARACAS)! BANG (TAMBOURINE)! STRUM (COMPROMISED GUITAR/UKELELE OR SOMETHING)! BAD SPEEDY GONZALES IMPRESSION!

Peyton (Orange) is going a little bit crazy, and even goes as far as to briefly perform “the robot.” NOBODY, however, can touch Chris (Green), who’s rompin’, stompin’, dancin’ and gettin’ his ass slapped by Will (Silver). While Chris tries to attract Hayley by grinding his crotch into her face, Will picks up a pair of Bongos and uses them as oversized (and thus, funny!) binoculars.

Hayley’s getting more and more uncomfortable, and she reaches her breaking point when she’s forced to be “the meat” in a Chris and Jim dance sandwich.

Despite his role in the man-to-man ass-slapping, Hayley decides to take Will (Silver) down to the dark room. Chris (Green) tells Will to “get some for me!”

“You have no idea how much I hate you,” Will responds.

(Awkward beat)

Anyhooooo, things quickly get hot and heavy down in the dark room, while the other guys tell us “there’s nothin’ going on downstairs.” HA! THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG! And we’ve got the clever cross-cutting to prove it! Things have progressed “horizontally” (if ya know what I mean!), and while Hayley’s diggin’ our man in Silver (resisting a “Silver Bullet” joke with every fiber of our beings), she wonders if Will’s emotions are true.

Monica alert! It’s voyeur-vision time for the gal pals, and today’s selection is Will’s (Silver, or “The Millionaire”) dramatic monologue. Hayley’s more than a little freaked out by his jealousy. Editor’s Note: we’re a little disappointed that Monica didn’t show Hayley the scene where Will swims in his private swimming pool of gold coins a la Scrooge McDuck.

Jim (Purple) gets a callback so that Hayley can “see his blue eyes,” while Chris (Green) calls HIMSELF back to tell Hayley that he wants to let his heart go. Hayley wonders if Chris is just telling her what she wants to hear. What sass!

We’re back at the Gazebo of Doom. Two must go, two must stay. Yadda, yadda. Hayley picks Will (Silver) and Chris (Green) to stay. Wait a minute! Those two guys HATE each other!!! Woah!!! Sparks are gonna fly!!! I better tune in!!!

Peyton steps up sans waffles and unmasks. No waffles? Ha! Boom. Gone. Jim steps up and unmasks. Hayley essentially melts in the face of his handsomeness, and nearly calls the show to a halt (“BLEEP personality, this guy’s effin HOT!).

Will and Chris tell us that they’re falling in love with Hayley. The kind of love that only a millionaire and a hypnotist can feel.

Next week’s the season finale! We’re told that it’s “Will vs. Chris in a bitter battle for Hayley’s heart,” and that Hayley must choose between the “love of Will’s tender touch” and the “lust-filled spell of Chris and his mindgames.” And to top it all off, folks, there’s and ending that we won’t believe!

Keep those campfires burnin’. And…we’re spent.