TSI Episode 2: I’m With Stupid
…also known as the BEST.DAMN.EPISODE.EVER.
Tuesday was a good day. I had my first glass of wine since October. Then, I got to watch the most satisfying episode of The Amazing Race. I laughed, I cried, it was a part of me.
I did get quite nervous, though. After all, two teams read out the final clue that said, “The last team MAY be eliminated.” I said a very bad word (even though I was holding my adorable 3-week-old), because I feared that Aliwhore (my nickname for her when she was on Big Brother) and Donny would finish last but be saved by an non-elimination leg. Those of you who know my history with TAR know why I fear non-elimination legs. But that just made it all the sweeter when Phil said those words that we all were thrilled to hear: “You’ve both been eliminated from the Race.”
But with the joy comes a tinge of sorrow. Aliwhore and Donny got eliminated. Don’t get me wrong, that was a delightful finish. But on the other hand, that means this is the last week that I get to mock their missteps in the Race. That means that this column will require effort in the upcoming weeks, and I won’t just be able to coast through with a few stock jokes about this Disney duo of Dopey and The Beast. (In case you’re wondering, Donny is Dopey.)
SCORING EXPLANATION…OR LACK THEREOF
This week, I won’t be offering a point-by-point recap of the scoring like I did during last week’s installment – I’ll just present the team totals and a listing of their crimes against the Race. Blame a certain three-week-old who thought it would be fun for Mommy to pull an all-nighter.
Note: Mommy didn’t think it was fun.
Another note: Mommy is particularly snarky after unplanned all-nighters.
Yet another note: Please pity Mr. Bebo for having to deal with Mommy after the unplanned all-nighter.
And another note: Have I mentioned I’m sleep-deprived?
And yet another note: I think I’ve carried this note thing way too far…don’t you?
So, where was I…
1. Colin & Christie (1st last week’s TSI, 6th in Race) – They were one of three teams that went to the wrong cemetery. They’re too much like Brandon & Nicole for me to waste effort mocking them. Perhaps in later episodes they will provide me reason to discuss them further. Then again, maybe not.
Priceless Quote: Christie – “Colin & I want to win.” Hmm, and the other teams are there because…
- This week: 20 Omarosas
- Overall: 25 Omarosas
2. Bob & Joyce (T-2nd last week’s TSI, 5th in Race) – The team loses points for going to the wrong cemetery. I’m not wasting any more space on them because they bore me.
Nauseating quote: Bob, telling Joyce to flex for the camera – “Come on, honey, show ‘em your guns.”
- This week: 20 Omarosas
- Overall: 30 Omarosas
3. Marshall & Lance (4th last week’s TSI, 7th in Race) – First, they go the wrong way after claiming they knew where they were going. Then, they become the first team to make a derogatory comment about the locals when the “useless foreigners” can’t give them directions. The official results for the pool: 12 minutes into the second episode. Please collect your winnings at the front desk. But the funniest Doughboy moment had to be when their cab ran out of gas. Anyone out there still not believe in karma?
Priceless quote: Lance (or was it Marshall? And does anyone really care?) approaching the pit stop – “I disagree with the whole running thing.” Um, then what the hell are you doing in a race???
- This week: 60 Omarosas
- Overall: 80 Omarosas
4. Brandon & Nicole (6th last week’s TSI, 1st in Race) – Nicole wins the backhanded compliment of the week award for her quote about Brandon being the type of man she’d like for a husband but not being sure that he was the right person to be her husband. That ranks right up there with “I just want to be friends” and “It’s not you, it’s me” on the list of things that you don’t want to hear from your Significant Other. It’s also the one of the few things about this team I could find to criticize this week, which is probably the reason they’re leading in the Race at this point. My other criticism? Brandon obviously wasn’t listening to Nicole – or the Lord – while in the Disco, because even though “Thou shalt not allow others to grope thy girlfriend” isn’t explicitly included in the Ten Commandments, I’m pretty sure that God doesn’t expect the “love thy neighbor” attitude to be allowed to go that far.
Priceless quote: Brandon during the Roadblock – “Oh crap oh crap oh crap.”
- This week: 25 Omarosas
- Overall: 95 Omarosas
5. Jim & Marsha (T-7th last week’s TSI, 3rd in Race) – They fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book, when they were duped by the Bowling Moms into thinking they had to stop and exchange their American money. They did get their sweet revenge though, since they figured out the truth in time to not only avoid elimination, but to get ahead of the duping Moms.
- Jim’s hope that the other teams “would be embarrassed they let a couple of gimps beat them.” I’m sure Marsha was flattered to be included in that classification.
- Jim: “I’ve never heard of a foam club before.” Show of hands…who was surprised by this? Anyone? Bueller?
- This week: 30 Omarosas
- Overall: 1 Trump, 110 Omarosas
6. Linda & Karen (T-2nd last week’s TSI, 4th in Race) – I would love to reward this team for being evil enough to dupe another team, since I enjoy evil strategies, but I refuse to award any team stupid enough to follow Donny & Alison anywhere. It should have taken them a maximum of 3 seconds to realize what a terrible idea that was. Then when they finally did the Tango, they gave the program to the wrong guy…twice.
- This week: 120 Omarosas (100 of those were for following Donny & Alison – I was kind, I think)
- Overall: 130 Omarosas
T-7. Charla & Mirna (T-7th last week’s TSI, 2nd in Race) – They started off going the wrong way, but unlike the Doughboys, they never claimed to know where they were going. After all, there weren’t random people available to underestimate Charla because of her size and offer them assistance, since people assume that she can’t do anything for herself. And call me un-PC (really, do, because I hate political correctness and will take it as a compliment), but I am going to puke if I hear one more Charla speech on what she is going to prove to the world by competing in this Race. If CanadaGirl had a rule in her TAR drinking game to take a drink every time Charla made a speech, everyone playing would die of alcohol poisoning. I want to watch a Race, not a bad imitation of a Lifetime Original Movie. And back to the Race…these two don’t do well when it comes to directions. They waste time asking a hooker for directions, and then when they finally find someone to give them directions, Mirna doesn’t bother to pay attention and misses everything. And let’s not even talk about Charla’s swimming pantomime to get the guy to think about a ferry. During the Detour, Mirna cost them time by giving the program to the wrong dancer, while Charla cost them dignity by twirling down the aisle.
And no, I am not going to award them a Trump for holding up the ferry so that they didn’t miss it. My two biggest pet peeves with TAR are bunching and teams claiming emergencies to get preferential treatment for transportation. Since this was a double-foul, hitting both of my pet peeves, I refuse to reward them. Disagree with my decision? Start your own column.
Priceless Quote: Mirna at the wheel as another team passes them – “You can’t pass me like that, you jerk.” Um, they just did…
Second best quote of the whole episode: Charla before the Roadblock – “Quick hands, you might have to stick your hand up a cow’s ass.” And what was the best quote of the episode? Duh! That honor belonged to Phil when he told Alison & Donny they were eliminated from the Race.
- This week: 60 Omarosas
- Overall: 1 Trump, 140 Omarosas
T-7. Chip & Kim (9th last week’s TSI, 8th in Race) – Upon reading the disco clue, Chip declares “Disco Daddy Domino”, which I just find too dorky. Even though they said they had to stop making mistakes, they didn’t, and ended up at the wrong cemetery. And then they had to play chicken with the twins for the taxi.
- This week: 40 Omarosas
- Overall: 140 Omarosas
9. Kami & Karli (10th last week’s TSI, 9th in Race) – They did what was billed as the potentially faster option in the Detour, but even with someone walking them to the checkpoints, they fell from 6th to 8th after the Detour. And then they end up in a stalemate with Chip & Kim over the cab. Were they expecting Chip to pull a Dennis and just let them have the cab because they’re girls?
Priceless quote: “You’re perfect, I forgot.” Think Mommy played favorites when these two were little?
- This week: 60 Omarosas
- Overall: 180 Omarosas
10. Alison & Donny (5th last week’s TSI, Eliminated from Race) – They gave us the best moment so far in the Race when they were eliminated. Donny also provided a good one during the Detour, when he tried to get Alison run over by a bus. Nice try, Donny, but no points for a failed attempt. Speaking of the Detour, whose bright idea was it to have the guy who doesn’t read maps be the one giving directions – The Brains, or The Brawn? The Brawn is the one who had the bright idea to save money by taking a bus instead of a cab, and then didn’t even bother to get on an express bus. Have fun using the savings on your trip to Hawaii.
Let’s hear it for being gracious losers, though. Alison commented that this was the healthiest that their relationship has been. (Normally I tune Alison out, but I was so excited that they were eliminated that I listened to her oh-so-fond farewell.) Donny said that he hated her. I guess Alison was right. Donny also said that since he hates her, he’s going to “rethink the relationship”. At this point, I realize that Alison’s derogatory comments on Donny had merit. After all, he’s seen her skank through Big Brother, and after Racing with her, he hates her…what’s there to rethink? Hello?
Too many priceless quotes to mention all of them, but here are a few:
- Donny – “If you weren’t blonde, you wouldn’t be so stupid.” Hey Donny, what’s your excuse?
- Donny – “You’re an embarrassment.” I’m sure she insulted him right before he said this, but I’ve been tuning her out since early in the first episode. I find the show more pleasant that way.
- Donny – “You’re psycho.” And you’re just figuring that out????
- “Shut up!” Said repeatedly by both of them. Another case where inclusion in CanadaGirl’s TAR drinking game would result in alcohol poisoning.
- My sister, stating the obvious – “It’s a shame that Hawaii trip is wasted on them, since they’d just fight the whole time.” Didn’t I say that last week? Is this thing on?
- This week: 1,000,000 Omarosas (again, I’m being generous here)
- Overall: 1,000,040 Omarosas (I’m taking away their Trump from last week…because I can.)
Next week on TAR…Fighting, fighting, and eating. Are we sure Aliwhore will be gone? Sounds like her strong suits.
Have whip, will travel.