LAST EDITED ON 02-02-04 AT 05:47 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 02-02-04 AT 06:12 AM (EST)

Well, I'm back...and I have good news and bad news.

Good news: Survivor Insider is FREE. Just go to the CBS Survivor web site and watch away.

Bad news: If you are on a MAC, sorry, you probably can't watch them. If you are on a slow connection, sorry. It also didn't play on my friend's PC at all (in Windows Media Player), but worked fine on my laptop in RealOnePlayer.

Good news No. 2: Due to overwhelming response...I will still do transcriptions filled with hilarious commentary and sick jokes about Michael Jackson, the Olsen Twins and corny stuff only Survivor fans would get.

Bad news No. 2: The videos have advertisements (NOTHING is free, kids), and rewinding caused problems on my computer. I did find a way to fast forward through the commercials, but let's not tell CBS so they go changing things!

How the transcripts will work: Every night when I get home from work (usually at 1:30 a.m. on Thursday nights), I will transcribe away. At this time, I don't need any help, because I like to endure the wonderful transcriptions. The angrier I get, the better my commentary is, right? I will post a running transcript for each video as I type them (for all you late-night internet people who like to click reload).

Archives: Larry Londy has graciously offered his web space to put my Survivor ramblings. www.londyscreations.com/survivornetwork/

NOW....ONTO THE TRANSCRIPTS

------------------------------
TRIBAL COUNCIL VOTES
------------------------------

Ethan (votes Jenna!): (SMILING) Jenna, Jenna, Jenna. You love this little power position you're in. And your mouth just keeps going and going and going. But you better be careful, because it might bite you in that big old butt of yours. So, we'll see.

Jenna L (votes Tina): You could turn out to be an amazing player against me. You’re strong competition. And that's why I love you. It's not personal. It's a game.

Rupert (votes Tina): Tina, I'm sorry. My alliance picked you and I'm standing strong with those three. We four are going all the way. We're going all the way.

Jerri (votes Tina): (takes a deep breath) I'm not going to lie, this definitely has, figures to do with revenge from the first time around. But, like you said earlier to me today. You understand and you would do the same thing if you were in my shoes. And (breath), I'm glad you let me know that you know the difference between life and the game. And I'm still hoping that after this is all over, we can go have a beer together, because we never did the first time around. I'm only jealous a little bit because you're going to have a hot meal and some dry clothes. But other than that, I'll see ya later Tina.

Markopolo's note: Jerri almost seems "nice" in this vote. If I didn't know her from before, I would say she is the nicest person out there. Scary, but this single vote has made her attractive to me again, proving to all the women out there that personality does have a place in the male mind.

Now....where were those Playboy photos again?

Rudy (votes Tina): (Note: Rudy doesn't hold his vote up. he talks after the vote is put into the vase.) Like they said out there. She already won a million.

Tina (votes Jenna with frown face): I know you told me to vote for Rudy, but I've never been good at what I was told. Go Rupert! And don't trust em!

Markopolo's note: It's obvious that Tina knows she's going based on the votes. Apparently, Jenna must've asked Tina to give Rudy a vote for possible ties? Wow, Jenna L actually playing the game!

------------------------------
JERRI SPEAKS
------------------------------

Clip description: Watch Jerri become frustrated with her new Saboga tribe. Does she want to be the leader?

Markopolo's note: By far the best clip of episode 1. The comments about Rudy are hilarious. Jerri actually thinks she knows more about building shelters than everyone else. Is she nuts? She starred on a WB sitcom. Oh wait, don't those shows get worse ratings than Ronco PastaMaker infomercials? Seriously, I would rather watch Tony Little than Reba. I had heard about the rule that WB cast members have to build the sets. And here, I thought it was just an ugly rumor. Hey, it's not so bad. At UPN, they can't even get Survivor losers to star in their shows.

Jerri (confessional): Umm. Day 1 is not looking so hot. FUNNY, BUT ISN'T THAT WHAT MOST PEOPLE THOUGHT OF YOUR PLAYBOY SPREAD?

We've been unable to build fire and we can't seem to get together about our shelter. We finally were able to figure out where it's going to go, but lots of unorganization. Everyone is afraid to take the reins and take charge because they don't want to put their head on the chopping block. So we have a bunch of people looking for someone to lead them and no one wanting to lead. It's interesting (LAUGHS).

CUT

It's not really my personality to keep my mouth shut, but it didn't work for me last time (LAUGHS).

So this time, I'm trying to just be patient and let someone else say something and take charge. It's not easy. I'm incredibly frustrated and I'm getting more and more irritated by the second. (LAUGHS)

Cuz I know a great way to build the shelter, but I am keeping my mouth shut. And on some levels I don't know if that's necessarily a smart thing to do. But, ya know what, let someone else try. And if it falls down, we'll fix it.

CUT

Well, there's a way to take a piece of bamboo and divoting out the top part so you can literally set like Lincoln logs, a piece of bamboo on top of another piece. You don't need rope. You can use vines or whatever. And the more sloped the top is, the more waterproof it's going to be. If it's not pitched at a strong enough angle, we're going to get wet and then, what's the point. And plus, now it's been moved from a very shady, cool spot into where the sun is going to hit it 90 percent of the day. WOW, THE SUN IS OUT FOR 22 HOURS...I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

It's going to be hot. The whole reason you have a shelter is to get out of the sun. We're already getting scorched. I am totally sunburned already. It's very frustrating. But I am going to try this new strategy of mine and that's just to keep my mouth shut. See if it works for me. It's very hard, but I king of feel that a few other people are feeling the same way I am. Rupert has said to me that he's not going to take that role. I said, I'm not taking that either. And that's when I realize that other people might be feeling the same way.

No one wants to be the leader. The leader always gets his head chopped off at one point. So, we're a bunch of ants with no queen. (LAUGHS) And notice I said queen and not king (LAUGHS).

CUT

I was real excited when I saw who I was going to be out here with. Thank god there's some alpha males. Finally. Because that's what was missing last time. There was no alpha male.

:::WE INTERRUPT THIS CLIP TRANSCRIPTION TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE COMPUTERS OF OGAKOR MALE MEMBERS KEITH, COLBY, MITCHELL AND KEL, WHO ARE WATCHING THIS CLIP:::

Kel (throws Jerky at computer screen): "That b**ch!"

Mitchell (still in the closet): "That b**ch!"

Keith (still perfecting rice recipe): "That b**ch!"

Colby (throws Schick razor at computer screen): "Mommy, Jerri hurt my feelings. Will you give me a back rub?"

:::BACK TO THE TRANSCRIPT:::

Jerri (confessional): Now we have alpha males who don't want to take charge. Rudy is trying, but his choices are questionable. Like I'm wondering if we're safe just following Rudy's Navy SEAL lead. I don't necessarily think we are. IT'S SAFE TO SAY THAT YOU ARE A B**CH!

CUT

Well Rudy wanted to put us almost on the opposite end of the island. If high tide came in, we would be trapped on a little chuck of land. It was a great spot as far as the spot, the growth of the land and everything. But we're so far away from our water source and from the beach and we nixed that idea. But now he's heading up the construction of the shelter and I think, what it looks like right now, we're going to be two inches from the roof. (LAUGHS)

I'm frightened. Honestly. I am getting very worried and I feel a little bit afraid.

WHATEVER I SAID ABOVE ABOUT LIKING JERRI....I TAKE IT ALL BACK.

------------------------------
MOGO MOGO'S FIRST NIGHT
------------------------------

Clip description: With no fire or shelter, the tribe made their way down to the water's edge and slept under the stars. Watch as the tribemates get to know each other.

Markopolo's note: The second-best clip of episode one. This whole clip is watching the mogo mogo's try to sleep. They chatter a lot and it's hard to tell who is talking. Shii and Jenna kind of sound the same. A FUN clip to watch!

(TRIBE SLEEPING ON BEACH)

Kathy (to group): There are more banks out here than on Marquesas. WELL OF COURSE, WHO’S GOING TO CASH ALL YOUR CHECKS?

(Tribe): Bank! Bank! Bank! SORRY KIDS, WE ALREADY HAD THE SURVIVOR EPISODE ON THE WEAKEST LINK.

SPEAKING OF LINK, WHO'S THE BIGGER B**CH? THAT BLACK-LEATHER OLD CHICK OR JERRI?

HEY SNEWSER, THERE'S YOUR NEXT POLL!

Lex (to Richard): Are you going to come snuggle Sugar Bear?

(RANDOM CHATTER)

Richard (to group): The log works. I'm going to sleep there.

Lex: Why don't you hang out for a while?

Kathy: You can sleep on a log?

Richard: It's a sugar bear-sized bed. (LAUGHTER). It's pretty big. It's got a kind of roundness to it. ARE WE SURE HE'S TALKING ABOUT HIS BED? It kind of cradles you.

:::SO RICHARD WANTS TO BE ALONE. WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'S DOING!? TOP TEN GUESSES:::

10) Wondering if he should've been on the Apprentice.
9) Teaching Big Tom how to read.
8) Playing out that Detroit Lions-San Diego Chargers Super Bowl in his mind.
7) Upset that he doesn't get peanut butter for going naked.
6) Telling himself, "I can do whatever I want; no one will be watching...it's the last season of friends."
5) Popping viagra so he can get to the finish line quicker at challenges. He'll win by an outstretched "nose."
4) Counting on his fingers how many dollars Jeff Probst's movie made.
3) Dreaming of Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett and himself in threesome.
2) Debating whether or not he would rather be on top of the immunity idol or the bottom.
1) Telling Sleek28 how to post on EZBoard.

Richard: So what's happening?

Kathy: You name it; they were doing spongebob imitations (RICHARD LOVES SPONGEBOB).

Jenna M: Talking about (Kathy's) psychic. Madame insano.

Kathy: She says if you want to shake someone out of your life that's bugging you, if it's between the 8th and 10th you have to write them a letter and ... I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.

Lex: Check out the sky.

Kathy??: It's gorgeous.

Kathy: I need to put more bug juice on.

Jenna??: It's behind the wall.

Richard: Ahhh sharing.

Someone: Sharing is good.

Richard: Integrity.

(LAUGHTER)

(KATHY AND RICHARD DISCUSS THE WORD FRIENDSHIP)

Kathy: Trust. Loyalty and respect.

Shii Ann: We call it the shovel crew. Do you know what that is? (NO!) It’s when you get a call at 2 o'clock in the morning and someone says, hey, get a shovel and meet me in Central Park. There's no question they show up at 2 a.m. with a shovel.

Lex: People that help you bury the dead.

Shii: There's no question. That's the shovel crew. They make me happy.

Lex: What makes me happy? Hearing someone say I love you. When they mean it. (NO, RICHARD DOESN'T MEAN IT, LEX).

Women: AWWWWW!

Lex: Especially a friend. Cuz those moments aren't so frequent. And when you get them, it hits you like a hammer, I love it.

Kathy: It's kind of physical too. Like after this baseball series. Just really good, American baseball (AS OPPOSED TO THE EUROPEAN BASEBALL CRICKET). It's fun. It made me happy.

Shii: You mean the Marlins?

Kathy: No, the Red Sox. I went to the Red Sox game with my kid and had a hot dog. UHH KATHY, THE RED SOX CHOKED.

Colby (interrupts): I'm not trying to subtract myself from the conversation.

Jenna??: You should probably drink more water. You're probably dehydrated.

Colby: No I'm OK. I don't usually get headaches. It'll be gone by the morning.

Kathy: Way too much jibber jabber.

(LAUGHTER)

(MORE CHATTER).

Jenna (to Shii and Kathy?): Are you guys snuggling?

Shii and Kathy: We're going to.

Richard (to tribe): What makes you cry?

Tribe: AWWW, Richard!

Kathy??: This place.

DISCUSSION OF CRYING
SHOT OF COLBY PISSED THAT THE TRIBE CONTINUES TO TALK

Lex: I haven't cried once in a decade. The last time I cried was when my dog died (YOUR WIFE DIED, LEX? I'M SO SORRY).

CHATTER EVERYWHERE

Richard: The human condition makes me said.

Jenna: What do you mean?

Richard: What we do to each other on our planet. The way we live. (BUT ANYTHING WE DO TO EACH OTHER IN THIS GAME IS A-OK!)

Jenna: I'm a spooner, it makes me happy. (HUH????)

Jenna: Colby where are you?

Colby (annoyed): Back here.

------------------------------
LEX TAKES STOCK
------------------------------

Clip description: After being deserted on an island for a day, Lex of the Mogo Mogo tribe assesses his camp's deprived situation.

Markopolo's note: What is it with CBS? Don't they understand that we don't care about the conditions? We don't care about the shelter and how much food they have. If Rob and Amber are getting in on INSIDE the shelter, THEN WE WANT TO KNOW. We want to hear about the badmouthing and arguing, NOT Lex talking about the hardships of being a Survivor. Yeah, we know, life sucks. Get on with the backstabbing! At least Lex starts to talk about Richard later, but it's not much.

Lex (confessional): (TALKS ABOUT POT AND MACHETE). The island has building materials for us to use as far as bamboo and palm fronds and whatnot. (OH, SO YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT HOME DEPOT OVER THERE? I HEAR THEY TAKE VISA AND SELL SIERRA MIST).

But as far as tools, the next best technological thing we have is our tree mailbox. But I mean I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the pot was made out of metal. (YES WE DO REMEMBER YOU BREAKING ALL THOSE POTS IN AFRICA).

If we drop it from a foot it's not going to break.

I'm not complaining about the gear. Once we have fire, we'll have all the gear we pretty much need.

The only two things that I would love to see is just I'd like to see us make fire, and I'd like some sort of diving mask. (AND MAYBE THE ANSWERS TO THE FALLEN COMRADES CHALLENGE -- DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY PIERCINGS?)

I think after that, we have everything we need.

CUT

Our shelter is almost completely finished. We had most of our shelter done Day 1. The only thing we didn't have done was our floor. And none of us were too comfortable sleeping on the jungle floor. We've seen all the activity down there and we didn't want to lay down on the dirt, so we slept on the beach last night.

I found it perfectly pleasant. Honestly I'll give the shelter a shot once we can sleep above ground. I'll see how comfortable it is and how many insect bites I get.

But honestly, if I get as many insect bites in the shelter as the beach, because I got bit a lot last night, but if it's the same, I'll probably sleep on the beach. Unless it's raining. I look at the shelter as good refuge from the rain.

I like sleeping on the sand. I like sleeping on the beach.

CUT

Richard has definitely been kind of obviously separate. In fact right now, I can see him where I sit; he's by himself, just floating in the water. (SHARKS LIKE TO STAY WITH THEIR OWN KIND, LEX).

And even last night when we all went down to sleep, which is a time when you do a lot of bonding whether it's because it's cold and you all huddle together for warmth, or just conversation. That's when you have nothing to do except for talk. That's when as I see it, in my own strategy, that's when I am building relationships. That's when I am making myself harder to vote out. When I'm getting closer to my people, that I am making it harder for them to write my name on a piece of paper.

Richard, whether it’s because he doesn’t feel connected, whether it's because he feels like an outsider, or maybe it's his own arrogant way of saying "I don't need you guys and I can do all this completely on my own -- I don't know what it is, but he has been conspicuously apart from all of us.

------------------------------
ROUGH NIGHT
------------------------------

Clip description: With torrential downpours and cold nights, the tribes burrowed in for one of their most uncomfortable nights ever. Is it just the weather they are concerned about, or is something else keeping them awake?

Rupert (with Saboga tribe at night): My head is pounding. I'm nauseous. I'm not good. At this point, I don't know what the hell would help me. A bullet in the brain maybe. (HOW ABOUT JOHNNY FAIRPLAY'S HEAD ON A STICK FOR A CHALLENGE PROP? LORD-OF-THE-FLIES STYLE?)

Rupert (confessional): The night was brutal. I'm shaky. My head's pounding. I'm dying of thirst.

Rupert (back during the night): I've got to tell myself to get stronger. I cannot give up.

Ethan (confessional): My first night sucked. I didn't sleep one wink. I didn't even get to the point where I could almost fall asleep (28 MILLION PEOPLE ALMOST FELL ASLEEP WHENEVER YOU TALKED IN THIS EPISODE...TRY LISTENING TO YOURSELF...IT MIGHT HELP).

I got up, I walked around. Got in the fetal position (AKA COLBY'S NORMAL SLEEPING POSITION), got on my back (AMBER'S NORMAL ... ERRR SLEEPING POSITION). I did everything, it just didn't work. It was the longest night ever.

Ethan (to Jenna L as he lies next to her): I'm going to look like a hamburger tomorrow.

Jenna (to Ethan): What?

Ethan: Those grill marks (JENNA LAUGHS).

STUPID SURVIVOR MISTAKE NO. 1: ETHAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID, BURGER KING FLAME-BROILED HAMBURGER GRILL MARKS. NEVER MISS OUT ON ENDORSEMENT DOLLARS...MB NEVER DOES...COUGH DORITOS...COUGH… VISA...COUGH….SIERRA MIST.

Ethan (confessional): The way we make our shelters, we split bamboo in half. You raise it off the land and you lie bamboo along the lines. It's almost like the convenience store hot dog rollers (AGAIN, WHY AREN'T YOU MENTIONING 7-ELEVEN, OR AT LEAST THE QUIKIE MART!) Here we are all these little hot dogs on these bamboo logs. Just turning and turning and turning. No one's getting any sleep. No one's getting any rest at all.

(JERRI TELLS TRIBE.."OH MY GOD"..AND STARTS TO GET B**CHY)

Jerri (confessional): I can't believe how brutal this place is. I didn't sleep for the first three nights in Australia and I don't think I am going to sleep for 39 days out here (NOTICE SHE SAID SLEEP AND NOT "SLEEP WITH")

There are so many bugs here and you can't see them. And they constantly bite you. It's hell. This place is hell (AND GHANDIA ISN'T EVEN HERE!)

Rupert: The bugs are already insane (shots of bugs everywhere, crawling on Rupert, crawling out of Jerri's shorts). The sand bugs the horse flies. Spiders, flying ants, little ants, red ants black ants. Everything bites ya.

Tina (to tribe): This is so much more comfortable than I ever thought it could be.

(RUPERT WONDERS WHY HE'S HERE)

Jenna (to tribe): And you know we were really excited. (LAUGHING). We were really excited. Oh my god this is great.

Rupert: I get a second chance. (LAUGHTER)

Jerri (confessional): It was miserable and I didn't sleep at all. And Rudy was laying in the sand snoring.

Rudy (confessional): I just layed down that bamboo and the sand was more comfortable.

Rupert (in the morning): We made it through the first night. 37 more nights to go.

------------------------------
TINA, THE DAY AFTER
------------------------------

Markopolo's note: Tina complains and whines so much for a past winner. It's almost as annoying as Christa and Tijuana (THANK GOD THEY AREN'T AROUND!).

Tina (day-after interview): I had to come back and do Survivor. It's one of those things that the real, loss would be to not come back and play. So even though I knew I wouldn't stand much of a chance, there's no way that I would not come back and play this game.

CUT

I had played it out in my mind that it was going to be this horrible, awful thing. They would try to kill us. (OH, HOW WE WISH THAT COULD HAPPEN). I envisioned us parachuting into the jungle. And spending the night by ourselves and trying to get from point A to point B. So in my mind, if I can make it the absolute worst, then, when I actually get out here and play, it can't be as bad as I've made it to be out in my mind. And so I was prepared for the very worst. So, you know, I'm just that type of person. Throw it at me and I'll deal with it. So yeah, I'll come and play. I don't care what the situation is.

CUT

That's the one thing about the show itself that I don't think anybody has yet to capture. How hard the conditions are out here and how hard it is to live in Survivor. Whenever you don't have food or water, especially initially, the elements are just brutal. You've got 20 hours a day to fill up, and you're used to having a routine. Just the simple task of trying to fill 20 hours up a day is difficult. (THIS IS WHY BIG BROTHER ONLINE NEVER WORKED). You leave your friends and family behind with absolutely no word from them or them from you for 32, 42 days however long the game is. (WHO KNOWS, A GRANDMOTHER MIGHT DIE! OK, LAST DEAD FAMILY MEMBER JOKE...I PROMISE!). And you just can't capture it. Sleeping on the bamboo in the most uncomfortable worst conditions ever. I think the three days I was there I had two hours of sleep. You're freezing cold. We had shorts and T-shirts, so you don't have anything to wrap up in. Miserably cold. And I know right now these guys have had tons and tons of rain, so they're not only cold, their wet and cold.

And for this one in particular, we didn't have water. And that was the first time I had ever experienced going an extended time without any water (UNLESS YOU LIVE IN MEXICO).

Forget about hunger. I don't care. Don't give me anything to eat. Just give me something to drink. And how your body responds to different kinds of deprivation. The first one, we had water, so you're body immediately starts craving food. But water definitely takes precedence over food. Every little thing becomes so valuable out here. If you find a sock out here, that sock, you could find your hands in it as a mitten. WOW, I WONDER IF SLEEK28 LEFT HIS SOCKS OUT THERE AS A CLUE!

It's something you can't really explain to anybody. It's something that those of us that experience know.

CUT

I think going without water, you begin to realize how valuable water is to your system. ......... Very easily it shuts your body down. You almost have to quit the game if you become dehydrated. For me, I was just scared to death that point was going to come. So I was thinking, what would you be willing to do so you don't dehydrate? Would you be willing to drink the well water without boiling it and risk getting parasites? Everything becomes a weighing issue. For me personally, I was willing to drink the well water if I was going to be out there longer. The first sign of a headache, I was going to the well. You do what you have to do.

------------------------------
TINA'S FINAL WORDS
------------------------------

So this is what a confessional looks like! (sarcastic) Not too good, actually. But I want to leave you guys with a verse; it's very appropriate for this situation: Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly, you are wasting away physically, inwardly, you are being renewed, day by day, by the spirit. So do look at what is not seen, for it is eternal; do not look at what is seen, for it is temporary. I think you might see me again. Bye, guys, I'll be praying for you guys.

CUT

No one wants to be the first person voted off, and especially me, being a competitor. But at the same time, I knew that if we did not win the challenge that I would be the first one voted off. So I kind of expected it, but it doesn't make it any easier.

CUT

This experience has been different for me the first three days, because I went in on an equal playing ground the first time. We were all level; everybody went in equal. This time, I knew going in that I was a target. And you know, you make those choices: whether you go and play knowing that you're probably going to be one of the first ones voted off if you have to go to tribal council, or you just not play at all? Of course, for me, it's about the experience of coming out here.

------------------------------
TINA THE DAY AFTER PART II
------------------------------

Tina (more day-after): I definitely knew as soon as I saw my tribe, that was my first thought was that oh goodness, there are only two of us winners and they are going to pick us off. And seeing that I was there with Ethan, I knew they'd keep Ethan the stronger one. So I knew that immunity challenges were key to make me stay in this game.

If I had to do it over again, there's really nothing I would do in this game. I thought I did everything I could. It was inevitable. Nothing I could do would have changed it. So it helps. It's one of those things that I have no regrets whatsoever. My analogy is that it's like being at the U.S. Open and hearing my name over the loudspeaker "Tina Wesson would you come down to center court." And I get down there, and I get the opportunity to play in an exhibition match. Unfortunately, it's with Serena Williams. I BET ALICIA WOULD WHOOP SERENA'S ASS.

So I know I'm going to get clobbered. But the real loss is me not playing the game. And do that was my whole attitude coming in here. You're probably going to get clobbered, but what a mistake not coming and playing the game. So that's why I came back. It's been a blast.

TINA IS FULL OF BULL. SHE GOT $25,000 FOR THREE DAYS! SHE DID IT FOR THE MONEY, THAT WITCH!

CUT

Being that I've gone through 42 days the first time, and getting the full experience of lasting that long, it's a wonderful experience that I will treasure and always have with me.

And because I've already had that, I've only made it three days, but I see what my tribe has to endure right now, I feel so sorry for them.

CUT

I see what they are enduring and there's a little side of me that's like, I'm kinda glad I have my nice, warm bed. (LAUGHS). And I'm dry and I'm not freezing to death. Because I've already done it. Maybe if I hadn't had that experience, I would be more resentful. But because I had it, knock yourself out. Because I am telling you, the last on that island in 39 days will be very deserving of a million bucks.