LAST EDITED ON 12-15-03 AT 07:41 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 12-15-03 AT 07:38 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 12-15-03 AT 09:39 AM (EST)

The.Wedding. Of.The.Decade. Aka The Pepto Bismol Event.Of..The.Decade

Caution: Before reading this summary dear reader, you may need to take some of this:

Buckeyegirl to Greeneyes: There’s so much pink I don’t think I can watch anymore of this.

Greeneyes: What do you mean? It hasn’t even started yet, it’s only the previews! Don’t you want to see Bob and Estella pretend to be together, and see Jamie again?

Buckeyegirl: (perks up at the mention of Jamie) Jamie’s going to be on? It’ll make the whole thing worth while, and it will be fun to laugh at Bob….I wonder if Greg from the Bachelorette is out of jail yet? Do you think he’ll be on?

Greeneyes: <sighs> Yes, Jamie will be on…but if you want to see if the jailbird Greg is on, you’re just going to have to watch the show and find out what happens. Besides, don’t you want see the most expensive pair of wedding shoes ever made?

Buckeyegirl: I do want to see how many diamonds are on those shoes….

Greeneyes: I think I hear Chris’s voice, gotta go…

Part one: “They.Were.Meant.To.Be.Together” written by Buckeyegirl

How it all began
Chris seems to be telling us that this is the most anticipated wedding since Charles and Di’s,(Um, maybe that’s not the best analogy in the world to use-look what happened to their marriage, but then again with all the bachelor breakups of late, maybe it’s the perfect analogy.) however, I can’t see him over the sea of pink chairs have engulfed him. Ah, I have finally located him among all the pink, and he tells us that the wedding will take place at Lodge at Rancho Mirage. (Insert your own joke here) He continues to tell us what we already know: It’s fitting that the wedding take place in front of the cameras, because 30 million people watched that memorable moment when Ryan proposed to her. All of a sudden I have this sinking feeling that we’re about to be assaulted with recrap footage. Faster then you can say “Pink” we’re shown the.most.beautiful.marriage.proposal.ever.seen.by.America. Then we’re back to the Rancho where there are people working round the clock to make sure that everything is pink, pink and more pink. Now it’s back to more recraps: Nyc, Maui, Trista trying on wedding gowns, and well, to get the full nauseated version of what happened there read Bebo and Amai’s excellent summaries: Bebo>

Amai
If I tap my shoes together three times and say “pink, pink, pink” will it take me away from these recraps? Somebody must’ve heard me, because all of a sudden we’re out of recraps and are being shown how real (one million dollars worth real) their love for each other is. Arggh! The tapping of the shoes backfired, because now for what seems like an eternity Trista & Ryan are holding each other and saying again: “How.They.Were.Meant.To.Be.Together. and that they knew from the first day that they saw each other that loved each other, and yadda, yadda, yadda. Finally, we are put out of our misery when I hear Chris somewhere in the background saying: “Next up: “The.Wedding.Of.The.Decade.” We’re back from commercials, and Chris is saying something, but again, it’s hard to find him among all of the pink roses that are surrounding him. I’m getting excited now, because we’re again being shown the chairs that are all set up for the wedding, but, wait, what’s this? This picture of Trista and Ryan looks awfully familiar-that’s because, no, I must be seeing things, because it looks like the episode of the Bachelorette that I wrote my first real summary for and before I know what’s happened the whole bag of popcorn I’m holding is being throw at the tv - because it is an episode from the Bachlorette!!! It is the group date when Ryan and Trista saw 50,000 thousand weddings in progress (ok, slight exaggeration) and they.knew.it.was.fate. To read how they fell in love that day read this summary: Official Ep.2 Bachelorette Summary

We’re told by Trista: “My life has turned into a fairy tale. I never thought my life would turn out this way.
Mirage of Bachelorette scenes: Sea world, Seattle, meeting Trista’s parents, Trista telling Ryan that she chose him, Ryan asking her to marry him, tears, tears, and more tears.
I’ve been clicking my heals together really hard for the last half an hour, and it finally worked because Shazam! Chris is telling us how for months now, people have been working really hard to make this wedding be as pink as it can possibly be-and we get to see how it all happened!-we even get to meet the people who put it all together! We get to see so much and meet so many people in fact, that it would be impossible for Chris to do it all from his Royal perch-so he has a little help from, no, I must still have butter in my eyes from throwing the popcorn across the room, because it looks like Prince Slick (better known as Charlie) Search for Prince Charming wait, it is Prince Slick from the Bachlorette and some media-whore wannabe producer named Stephanie who have the honors of showing us how this is no ordinary wedding.
As soon as the first question to Prince Slick leaves Chris’s mouth, I begin to realize why Prince Slick has been asked to be a co-host. It is to show the viewers how Ryan.was.meant.to.be.for.Trista.
Chris: How weird is it for you? It could’ve been you?
Prince Slick: I don’t mind Chris, because: They.were.meant.to.be.together. I’m just honored to be apart of the.wedding.of.the.decade.
Chris: Why don’t you go check on Ryan?
Prince Slick: Whatever you say, oh wise one.
Prince Slick to Ryan: You’re so relaxed....you don’t even have your tux on. Aren’t you nervous?
Ryan: No, I’m not nervous, because Trista and I.were.meant.to.be.together.
Chris to Prince Slick: Ryan doesn’t look all that relaxed to me, Ryan looks like he has the Deer in Headlights look. Oh.My.Heck! This is proof that the powers that be at ABC must read our board, because I’m sure that both Bebo and Amai coined that term for Ryan long before tonight.
When Chris introduces the other co-host Stephanie, (known from here on out as DAW wannabe) he tries to convince us that they became friends while she was the producer of the Bachelorette. (If you believe that I have some swamp land in Florida to sell you.)
Chris to Daw wannabe: Do you believe it’s real?
Daw wannabe: “I had my doubts, but I was there from the very first Rose Ceremony, and it’s obvious they.were.meant.to.be.together.

Chris: What’s going on in the bridal suite?
Daw wannabe: Everything’s ready to go…Trista’s in her gown, bossing people around, waiting for the helicopters to arrive, you know the usual stuff that brides do before weddings.
Finally, commercial time! I have never in my life been so excited to see commercials, well that is, until I realize that they are all wedding related… The commercials end and Chris tells us that Trista and Ryan wanted to share this special day with close friends and family. cut to pictures of family arriving Roving reporter Chris is sent to interview Trista’s family, because as Chris reminds us: “He got to meet them on his date with Trista. “ As Prince Slick enters the room, there are gasps of surprise at seeing Prince Slick again. His question to all of Trista’s family and Ryan’s parents is: “How areyaallholdingupareyounervousIam?” Everyone’s response: We’re not worried, because they.were.meant.to.be.together.

Now it’s time to see what the Bridesmaids think of the wedding, and there must’ve been a memo of some kind, because all but one are wearing shades of pink. There comments can be summed up as: “It’s simply amazing. It’s a dream come true wedding.”
Next up are the groomsmen, and Prince Slick tries to interview them, but really all you need to know about them is that they were already celebrating the wedding.of.the.decade.

After meeting the families and the wedding party, it looks like we’re about to meet some real guests of the wedding, because a van is pulling up at the lodge. Alas, it’s Ryan and Trista friends from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. And, of course the DAW wannabe producer is there to interview everybody. There was some pushing and shoving to see who got to the microphone first, but of course to no one’s surprise, Bob won the fight and was first to be interviewed, with Estella in tow. (what was up with that god-awful outfit Estella was wearing?)
DAW wannabe to Bob & Estella: You both look very happy and in love. How does it feel to be here?
(with forced smiles on their faces)
Bob: We’re elated to be here.
Estella: Whatever he said. I’m only here because it’s in my contract.
Next up are Russ (or as we called him Punka) and I must really need glasses because standing next to him looks like it’s Shallow Man Brook. It is Brook! I’m in such shock over seeing him here that I really don’t catch what Russ says, but not to worry, it was only a recap of him giving Trista that gift on night one….However, I am giggling when the DAW wannabe producer/co-host asks Brook how his horses are, and we get to see him fight with Trista again on why she dumped his sorry ass. To no one’s surprise, we discover that he’s still single. Last but not least, is Jamie. He’s still single, and we get to see what’s gotta be one of his most humiliating moments ever-when he tries to kiss Trista and she turns him down flat. (Her loss)
We’re through with the Bachelors and we’re on to the Bachelorette’s-Shannon and Angelique and Amy, Trista’s roommate. All they said was: It’s a dream come true wedding, we don’t have boyfriends, but plan on finding some here.
As the pictures are being taken for the wedding, the paid-for-by-ABC-helicopters are flying over head. Chris tells us he’s counted at least 4 of them! Only 4 for the.wedding.of.the.decade? Shouldn’t there be photographers trying to crash the party as well-obviously ABC couldn’t afford that in the budget.

Marriage Counseling 101
Reverand to Ryan: What is it about Trista you like?

Ryan: um, um, wait a minute I’ll think of something…oh yes-she does everything, I don’t have to do any work at all.

Reverand to Trista: What is about Ryan that you like?

Trista: He’s giving me my fairytale wedding, and oh yea, he makes me happy.

Reverand: Any fights?

Trista: No way, are you kidding? This is a dream come true wedding.

Ryan: I hate the color pink, so yea, there’s been a few fights…

Wedding Rehearsal
Ok. I get it. Trista likes pink. Seeing the bridesmaids and Trista wearing matching pink tank tops was almost enough to make me leave the room and never come back until I knew there would be no more pink on my television screen.
Wedding Planner(who bravely wore purple) Now Trista, this is what...
Trista (interrupting): Everyone do as I say and it’ll go fine. Dad, if you step on my dress on national television, I’ll never speak to you again. Cameramen, if you show me tripping down the stairs, you’ll never work in tv again. Got it? Great, rehearsals over, lets get back to preparing for MY fairytale wedding.

Making Dreams Come True
As we break from the wedding rehearsal and go to commercials Chris says, coming up next: “the.wedding.of.the.decade” I foolishly believe him. After all, Prince Slick is trying unsuccessfully to tie Ryan’s tie in a knot, his parents are dressed and ready to go. However, when Chris starts mumbling about how this event is unique because it’s the first wedding in reality tv history, and that it’s only fitting that we get to see how it came to life, a realization hits me: We are no where close to seeing the ceremony yet-we still have to see interviews from the truck drivers, busboys, chefs, maintenance crew and be told yet again that Trista’s shoes are the most expensive shoes ever made for a wedding.

Chris to the wedding planner:You planned the weddings for Jessica Simpson and Adam Sandler, but were those weddings anything like this?

Wedding Planner: This is the BIGGEST wedding I’ve ever done. And the pinkest wedding I’ve ever done. I’m through with pink after this wedding.

Chris: What role did Ryan have in planning the wedding?

Wedding planner: Ryan who? Oh, you mean the guy who didn’t want a pink tie.

2,000 pieces of China
5300 silverware
3,000 wine glasses
8-carrot diamond wedding shoes
4 diamond necklaces
pink couches by the pool
$100,000 wedding dress
$155,000 for Food & Drink
$15,000 wedding cake
$500,000 of pink roses
$105.00 for live music
$30,000 for gift bags
$83,000 for invitations
$750,000 for location
$63,000 for linens

PRICELESS!! Absolutely priceless!

How to become a princess
Becoming a princess bride isn’t as easy as it looks like it would be. First, there is there is the make up stylist to call in, the hair designer to stars to roll your hair up, but before all of that, a little relaxation is in order to cover up all those stress lines from worrying about how much more pink should be added to the wedding. Trista treats herself and her bridesmaids to a day at the spa, where they all get matching robes. (Three guesses as to what color the robes were?) After the robes were given, the bridesmaids get another surprise: Make up bags! Yep, you guessed it-in the color pink. There were pictures representing their friendship inside, and to much to my surprise there were no pink frames! (I guess she had to cut down the cost on something!) Once the gifts were dispersed it was off for massages, pink pedicures and the like.

How to become a Prince
While Trista was becoming a princess, Ryan was also getting ready for the big day. How did Ryan gave out his gifts-mountain backpack, and some skiing passes so they would come and rescue him from Trista every once and while. Were the guys getting massages like the girls? Nope, it was a game of basketball…thank goodness Trista didn’t see all roughhousing going on here or I have a feeling that a tirade would’ve happened….

Wisdom
As the ceremony draws closer, Ryan’s dad gives him some words of wisdom, as Prince Slick was listening in we were able to hear these very personal words: “Be true to yourself, trust and believe in Trista, and trust and believe in the love that you have for each other. It’s as simple as that.” What was Ryan’s response to heartfelt speech? “That’s the advice you gave me when I started, and look where it got me! Let’s go find mom so I can stop seeing pink everywhere.”

And finally the moment we’d.all.been.waiting.for The.Wedding.of.the.Decade
by Greeneyes

We got to see Ryan’s parents and grandparents come down the aisle. Then Trista’s relatives got their turn. The only real comment that I have on this part of the ceremony is: Where were Joan and Melissa Rivers when we needed them? Someone needed to call the Fashion Police on Trista’s grandmother who arrived at this formal evening wedding wearing an ordinary red blazer and everyday black pants. I guess someone forgot to tell her to dress up. As for the guests, they kept showing glimpses of Jamie and Brook from the Bachelorette (How did he get an invitation? Did he bring one of his horses as a date? I guess ABC paid Trista and Ryan enough that they didn’t care who was invited.) Also some of the girls who were in the Bachelor with Trista: Angelique, Shannon and Amy (Who had a great seat right beside Jamie. I guess maybe she did find a man at the wedding, after all.) They also had the obligatory shots of Bachelor Blob and Estella. (Talk about looking miserable. Neither looked liked they could have cared less if they were there. And again, Fashion Police time, what was with Estella’s dress. I think she was showing more skin that night than most women show when they are wearing a bikini.)

Then the groomsmen and Ryan came to stand at the altar and await the final processional. The bridesmaids started down the aisle.(Chris did the soft golf tournament style announcements of each of their names, but are they really important? I know 5 minutes later I could only remember 2 of the 5 names.) Anyway, as each bridesmaid walked down the aisle, she carried a bouquet of nothing other than pink roses, and, of course, wore a pink dress. Each of the girls wore the same color, but each dress was a different style, and I swear each style got uglier as each girl came out. The best part of this segment was the flower girls, they were in pink (I know, surprise, surprise, surprise) with a god-awful set of two pink flowers at the butt (Side note: Why do all brides insist on making the bridesmaids or flower girls wear such things? I mean, why a bow or flower at the butt line? I still have not forgiven my sister-in-law for making me wear that monstrosity with a two tone bow for her wedding. But I digress …) The flower girls were adorable, and the matron of honor son’s was the ring bearer. The older flower girl pulled him down the aisle in a tiny fire engine, to represent Ryan’s firefighting career, while the younger girl walked behind to scatter the flowers on the ground. I felt sorry for the one pulling the fire engine wagon, she was struggling, let's just hope it wasn't against child labor laws.

When we return to the.wedding.of.the.decade: the.moment.we.have.all.been.waiting.for.

The bridal march music began, and we saw Trista at the top of the stairs. She walked down the stairs in her oh so expensive high heeled shoes. (Which frankly did nothing for me, I’ve seen much cuter shoes at Payless Shoesource.) Sorry to those who wanted her to fall as she went down the steps, it did not happen. Once she reached the bottom of the stairs her dad joined her. The first thing out of her mouth when she saw him was to mention the helicopters that were flying overhead. (I should say the helicopters that ABC probably hired for this.) But I think Trista was more excited about the helicopters than getting to see Ryan. So much for the rehearsal the previous night, Trista and her father just could not get it straight as to how they wanted their arms to be as they were walking. But then again, I think she was still too turned on by the helicopters flying overhead to concentrate. (Not that she is a total DAW or anything

The minister started the ceremony (What a cheesy guy. Where did they dig him up? During the entire wedding, he kept cracking jokes to Trista and Ryan, and smiling to the camera. I swear he was trying to imitate Charlie.) Ryan and Trista took turns reciting verses of Elizabeth Barett Browning’s “How do I love thee?” The next part was definitely something that I had not seen before. Instead of doing a unity candle (like everyone else does) they took turns pouring regular sand, pink sand, and blue sand into a glass container to signify the joining of the two lives in to one. (I guess they decided not to do the candle thing because there just wasn’t enough money left, so they took the cheap route and went out into the desert and dug up some sand and got some food coloring for this part of the ceremony.)

The rest of the ceremony was fairly typical. I consider myself to be a hopeless romantic, and I get sappy easily, but not this time. It would have been a lot more touching and easier to enjoy, but honestly the helicopters kind of destroyed any of the romantic tone of it, because you could hardly hear any of them speaking over the noise of the helicopters. One nice point was that they did write letters to each other to share during the wedding.of.the.decade. Ryan’s was very sweet. Trista’s was, ummm, interesting. I only remember one line, and I’m not sure I would have wanted to use the words “you are my personal space heater” during my wedding ceremony, but that’s just me. I have to admit, I loved the two times when the minister let Ryan go first with the letters and the vows, it may be the last time that Ryan ever gets to do that in his life with Trista around.

And at long last, the ceremony concluded with the cheese-ball minister pronouncing them man and wife, and told Ryan to “please kiss your bride.” And instead of just a sweet romantic kiss, Trista decided to try out a move from her Miami Heat dancing days, and leaped into Ryan’s arms.

The reception coverage was very short. Golf-commentator Chris, announced them as they came into the reception. Trista had changed into her second dress, which was a sheath style with beads all over the bodice and a v-neckline, with wide shoulder straps, and some pink thread woven in to it, very pretty. Ryan announced that he had a surprise for Trista and that he hoped she wouldn’t be mad at him for changing their first song. (I think the look on her face proved she was not happy about it.) But nonetheless, he continued, “Since Trista was so instrumental in planning the wedding; it was hard to slip in a surprise for her.” (Translation: I was just along for the ride, no matter what I said, it didn’t matter anyway. So I just sat back, and let her do it all. As long as it wasn’t looking like Strawberry Shortcake, I didn’t really care.) He also talked about when they first met, he had written her a poem, and that he had gotten someone to put it to music. I now want to bring out a good friend of ours, and one of our favorite singers.” (I thought for sure I was going to be getting sick to my stomach, and that the singer was going to be Bachelor Blob. Raise your hand if you had the same thought.) But no, it was country singer Brad Paisley!

(One of my very favorites also Sorry girls, no this was not the introduction for who is starring in the next Bachelor. I wish it was though, I would be signing up for that. Sorry to my DB.) For those who don’t know, Brad had a big hit over the summer called “Celebrity.” In the song he picks on all of the reality shows from Fear Factor to Bachelorette. And Trista was in the video for it.)

While Brad sang, they shared their first dance. Throughout this entire two hour thing, this was to me the sweetest moment, when they were just on the floor dancing together. But I do have to say, Trista, you were still at the reception. Quit trying to grope Ryan and grab his butt. Save that for the hotel room later, please.

The show ended when Ryan and Trista were shown cutting the cake. (I’m still trying to get over the price of the cake -- $15,000 for that ugly thing?????) The cake was half chocolate (for Ryan) and half white for Trista. But guess which portion was cut for them to feed to each other? And if you guessed the chocolate, what dream world are you living in? It, of course, was the white part.

The End to the coverage of the wedding.of.the.decade

Just one final comment, and I have to go back to Brad Paisley for a second. Let’s just hope that the line from “Celebrity” is not an omen for Trista & Ryan.
“I can fall in and out of love, have marriages that barely last a month, when they go down the drain, I’ll blame it on the fame and say it’s just so tough being a celebrity.”
Edited to fix Amai's name and to add the link to Bebo's summary.