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"Superman's Cornertime with Kismet"
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Kismet 802 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Fitness Correspondent"

11-30-01, 08:42 AM (EST)
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"Superman's Cornertime with Kismet"
LAST EDITED ON 11-30-01 AT 08:46 AM (EST)

Prologue

The day was growing darker as the thick gray clouds rolled across the horizon, threatening to extinguish the only ray of sun he had seen all day. He leans back against the concrete wall and smiles. It would only be a matter of time now.

A swirling of air and a rustling of feathers pulls him from his reverie. He turns to see a large hawk fluttering to land on the railing near the edge of the rooftop. Before he can speak, the Hawk squawks, “She’s here.”

His smile broadens. “Thank you Hawkeye,” he says. He pulls a dead rat from his pocket and tosses it to the ground in front of the hawk before turning and entering the door into the building. The hawk looks disgusted and turns away.

“Who do I look like?” Hawkeye says to the wintry sky, “Gervase?”

The man walks down the back stairs and enters the door leading into the office. Good timing, too. She is already inside the darkened room, a flashlight gripped firmly in her teeth. She is staring down into a filing cabinet, rummaging through old files. When she hears the door, she looks up startled.

“Who’s there?” she whispers.

“You have been avoiding me, Kismet,” he says, flicking on the light switch next to the door.

“Superman?” she says, “what the hell are you doing here?”

“I want my Cornertime,” he says.

“I think the glue is finally affecting your brain, Superwienie,” Kismet says, turning back to the filing cabinet, “I’m not doing interviews anymore, I have bigger fish to fry.”

“Then what are you doing back in your old studio?”

“Aha!” she yells triumphantly and pulls a file from the back of the cabinet. She holds up the manila envelope and smiles, before stuffing it into her jacket. “Nude pictures of AyaK,” she explains.

“Why?” Superman asks, “Are you blackmailing him?”

“No,” Kismet says immediately, “They’re for me…I mean…yes, I am…blackmailing him I mean. Yeah”

“You are doing the Cornertime. Now.” Superman crosses his arms across his red ‘S’ and glares.

“Nope,” Kismet says, heading for the door, “and there’s not a thing you can do to make me, Superfreak. Maybe next time you won’t play hard to get when people want interviews.”

Frustrated, Superman grabs her arm and pulls her back into the room. Kismet gasps, and slaps him across the face, wincing at the pain that immediately rises on the palm of her hand.

“Please listen,” Superman begs, letting go of her arm.

“You think you can push me around, Superwuss?” Kismet spits, “Maybe I need to call a certain large Dragon…hmmm?”

Superman laughs so hard that his face turns red. “Pendragon?” Chortles the man of steel, “He’s easy enough to bypass. Take a peek out the window.”

Kismet walks to the window and lifts the blinds, peering into the parking lot behind the EITS Building. Pendragon is lying on his back in the middle of the parking lot. Sitting nearby is an industrial sized bottle marked Dragon Oil. But Pen is not alone. Rubbing the oil into his scales are none other than True, Mon Cherie, and Ronnet. MistOFleas is rubbing the bottoms of his huge paws. Rio has mounted a stepladder and is whispering into his ear. Aymelek dances nearby while Jizzy beats merrily on a tambourine.

“Damn his ego,” Kismet snarls, turning from the window. “How much did you have to pay them for that?”

“Forty bucks each,” Superman says, “except for Rio. She volunteered.”

Kismet growls. “I’m not doing it. And you can’t make me.” Suddenly she bolts for the opposite door. She throws it open and stops. A looming female vampire is standing behind the door, a smile playing across her blood stained lips.

“Just do the interview,” VampKira says, “Who knows, you may like it. It may be just the thing to bring you back to us.”

“You wish sweetfangs!” Kismet snarls, “Remember the evil plots and schemes I had in motion around here? Well, that’s small potatoes compared to what I’m involved in now. I simply don’t have time for any more interviews!” She turns on Superman, her voice more cajoling now. “Why don’t you just have one of my apprentices do it? I mean, they are doing them all quite nicely now. You could do it from the Fortress of Solitude or something. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“I want a Cornertime with Kismet.”

“Look, I’m not the interview person anymore. They have even cut off my royalty checks the greedy bastiges. Please just let me go, I really don’t want this to get any nastier than it already has been.”

“We have been friends for too long, Kis. Either you do it, or…”

“Or what?”

“Okay, I didn’t want to do this,” Superman says, looking embarrassed, “Either you do it or I write a new Top Ten List: Top Ten Reasons Why Kismet’s Breasts Are Not Perky

Kismet looks shocked and crosses her arms protectively over her chest. “You wouldn’t…”

“X-Ray vision has its perks,” Superman says, “pardon the pun. Okay…let’s see…

Number Ten: Gravity”

“No…don’t.”

“Number Nine: Motherhood.”

“Please stop!”

“Number Eight: Areola the size of dinner plates.”

“OKAY! I’LL DO IT!”

Superman smiles knowingly. “I thought you would... Let’s go.”

Kismet glares for a moment, walks over to the desk and opens a drawer. She pulls out an old notebook and holds it up triumphantly. “At least I still have this!” She looks at Supe and says; “Now we can go. Follow me.” She turns toward the wall and a secret panel opens. Superman, looking noticeably paler, follows Kismet into the secret passage. Vamp’s laughter echoes in the room behind them.

After making their way through several dark passageways, they come to a tiny door. Kismet enters a code and it opens with a creak. She flicks on the lights and we see the Cornertime stage. Completely empty and eerily quiet, the stage looks more like a crypt. Dust covers everything and huge cobwebs are practically dripping from the ceiling. In each cobweb are huge spiders, and we see the remnants of several butterflies on the ground. “Buggy’s larvae must’ve hatched,” says Kismet with a small but evil smile. “Good thing I ordered the Wolf spiders after all.” She motions for Superman to head over to the corner, and he does so using his supersonic speed to clear a path for them. As he begins pulling the dustcovers down from the main corner; Kismet heads over to a closet and pulls out the remote control and a small bag. Once Supe is sitting on the stool, she pulls out her notebook and looks into the Camera.

Superman’s Cornertime

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen of SB. Thank you for joining us for an old fashioned Cornertime. Today’s interviewee is Superman. He is quite well known to the denizens of SB, and definitely a key player on these boards. He is also a very good friend to have and I think that each of you should take the time to get to know him. I will help you to do that. Let’s begin..

<Kismet sets the timer to read 88:88:88. She whispers conspiratorially to the camera. “Just so we don’t have any prying Vampire eyes…” She turns to Supe.>

I would thank you for agreeing to be interviewed, but that’s kinda pointless huh? Let’s start with the basics shall we? How did you find SB?

Well, one day while jogging down the road, I started to feel a bit ill. I stopped, threw up and tried to keep going. But I just couldn't. My legs were wobbly and my temples were throbbing. I guess I passed out. When I was revived by the local EMT, they asked what happened and I told them that I just didn't know. They asked how long I'd had the scar on my stomach. I looked down and just as I did an alien burst through my stomach all, hissing through his venom, "SSSSSSSurvivorBlowssssssss."

So after I got better I logged on and that was that.

<Kismet rolls her eyes.>

You are a flaming idiot. And I don’t mean Mistoflea’s husband either.

If I'd gave the whole SurvivorSucks spiel again, do you really think anyone would read it?

No. But I really thought you would come up with something better than that. Let’s see if you can get creative with this one. Why did you choose the name Superman?

Hellllo? The cape, the tights? Sheesh.

Pssst.. they know.

They do? Ok. I have had a grand total of two nicknames in my life. The first was "El Diablo" when I was a kid. This spanish kid called me that because my "eyes are black like the devil." I thought about that one, but it's not really the way I wanted to come on the board, y'know? So, I chose the second one. I moved to N.C. about four years ago and went to work for a boat factory. One of my duties was to help move the boats. They were
anywhere from 18 to 30 footers sitting on rusty old four wheeled dollies. Usually we used a machine, but there wasn't always one available, so four people would push it by hand. A group of guys decided to play a joke on me one day and told me to help them move a 26 foot catamaran to the other side of the plant. They said that they would take the front and I should take the back. So, I started pushing and pushing and eventually ended up on the other side of the building, but when I stood up there were about 30 people standing behind me including the guys who were supposed to be helping me. Their mouths were hanging open. I was 150 lbs at the time and the boat was around 2 tons. After that, when people would see me with my safety glasses on, I was "Clark Kent" without them I was "Superman."

You seem to be gone a lot. Why are you only sometimes here?

I usually post from work and I try to stay off the internet at home. My schedule is pretty harsh, seven days straight 12 hour shifts. So when I'm home, I'm home... y'know?

Besides, I tend to enjoy this place a bit too much. So, going away is my version of self-deprivation. I take away what's good to me so that it will be better when I come back to it. I'll stop eating for a week just to make sure I can. Stop smoking for a couple of days, it just makes the first one you light up that much sweeter. *shrugs* Ok, I'm weird and yeah it has it's down-sides, but try it in small doses.

Oh you’re a freak all right, but that’s not necessarily a surprise. How do you fight the addiction while you are at home?

I'm pretty busy while I'm home. I've got the kids and the gym and lots of other stuff to do. Not to mention all the crack I smoke makes me forget about you guys.

Yes, and I am sure we are all completely forgettable. <Kismet whispers conspiratorially at the camera.> Wanna see something funny.. watch this segue—‘Hey didn't you die at some point?’

Did I? Oh yes...I remember it well. See... with my schedule, I'm gone every other week. Don't ask why, just accept it. Over the course of last season the board seemed to be infested with trolls. Evil, evil people who just couldn't get along with anyone else.

I instigated them. Hey. It's what I do. I mocked them and poked fun. *waves at Tamia* Someone *ahem* paid a bit more attention to my schedule than anyone else had. She logged in as supermanssister and posted that I had been killed in a car accident. I was off, I had no idea.

When I did come back, there we're posts upon posts, e-mails upon e-mails....from my friends. Tributes on the board, a vigil in chat. It was all very surreal. So, if you wanted an answer for the "why did you stay?" portion of the first question, you can edit this in.

So you have a lot of fans, big whup.. What we want to know is who do you admire the most? <Kismet grins evilly.> Don’t you like that? A new way of asking the favorite posters question. It was getting kinda boring, asking the same questions, the same old way every time. What’s wrong?

Welllll.. <scratching his head and looking rather sheepish> They don't ask that question anymore...

Yes, I know. My apprentices just aren't quite as evil as myself. You can't blame them for not wanting to step on toes by asking the tough questions. However, I am still the Evil Overlord, so answer the effing question!!

Ummm Ok let’s see. In no particular order: 12345678 13Deb 14badtz 1HarleyRider 1luvsurv1v0r ACPS65 Acooperfan AdGal Adadada Adam Agile1 AliOneL Alia Aliana Alimole All Knowing AlmightyPrincess AlycaMe Amanda Amber_is_hot AmiKino Amroth AmyMeyer Anderson2639 Andyman14 Ang Angelia AnnaGator Annadad AresMars Arod Art Vandelay AsilH Asskicker AthenaDax AtlantaFatMike Auditor AvaJ46 Avogadro AyaK AyatollahKhomeini a saving
grace a1a2ana3 aSevie abouttime ad3160 adasdada adoz19 agallegos agent 99 aim akabuca al91206 alabamaqueen ….

Woah there!! You’re just reading from the member profile list!

<Supe looks up rather guiltily.>

Well, you see, I admire everyone here.

<Kismet tries the good cop shtick.>

Supe.. this is your big chance to tell everyone you really like how you feel. Do you really want to waste that golden suck-up opportunity? Look at it like a good deed. A chance to make others feel good and special..

I’m more of a dark hero.

Well good. You see a long time ago, back when I made the renovations to this studio, I was actually planning for this very moment.

<Kismet activates the green checks.>

Oh yeah the green checks. They don’t really bother me all that much. My eyes have a natural shielding. Now where were we.. Ahh yes.. aldair alexisriley alfpena all hail hitler altoz amaryllis amchess amelia earhart amzee ana128 andrew_shultz anikiniki anjeli annadad2 annie1975 anotherdoyle anotherkim anteater aphextwin arg1499 art ashcheeks ask4 asplunddan

<Kismet smiles. She presses a special green button on the remote control. Suddenly the checks begin glowing a brilliant neon green color. Superman gasps and croaks “Damn you.. sneaky.. aaarrrgghh .. turn it offfff..” Kismet laughs maniacally and presses the button again. Slowly the wall returns to normal.>

Lead plates hold the Kryptonite so you would never suspect. Sometimes I even amaze myself with my evilness. So who are those favorite posters again?

Fine! If I have too... but there will be hell to pay if I forget someone, missy! Hell I say!

My faves.. in no particular order:

Vamps - She's the glue who holds us all together 'round here.(no pun intended) And a very, very good friend to me.

SherpaDave, Sami, Lee, and Vamps(again) - my fellow Criminals. I can't thank these peeps enough for actually agreeing on this project. It means a ton to me.

Kismet & Pen - My buddy ..and my forbidden love. *sigh* Oh, how I miss them both. *sobs uncontrollably*

I would give you a tissue but I normally only need them for the girls interviews.

BadAs & Leif- Yeah...I paired them together on purpose. The banter between these two is priceless. I wish BA would drop in for a visit.

ItzLisa - One of the nicest people to ever grace the board. She's a sweetie.

AyaK - Is there anything this man doesn't know? Methinks not.

sleeeve & IceCat - These guys are brilliant with the vidcaps and analysis. And they are a hell of alot of fun when they venture into OT.

Buggy - She's cool, she drives the welcome wagon, and she digs Nascar. What's not to love?

Rio & Roni - I loves me some twins...Rowrrr.

Survivorerist - It's amazing to me that a guy so young can be so intelligent. His quick wit is second to none.

Monkeyboy & Peter Torque - I love me some twins....Rowrrr.

shakes - The guy is a riot. Although I should be offended at myself for finding him funny...hmmmm..

Frau Hexe & Nightscribe - Both these chickies add alot of interesting stuff on the board. I like 'em even if I can't pronounce "Frau Hexe". And....is it just me...or does anyone else find lesbians incredibly hot?

Misto - I miss you dammit!

SurvivinDawg

<Kismet snickers>

Shut up! I'm serious. The guy is a good spoiler and his antics provided some much needed comic relief over the break. Geez..is it so hard to believe that I enjoy funin' with him?

*sigh* Kismet? Do I really have to think of something nice to say about all these people?

No, I only asked for names dumbass.

Oh...really? Ok. Here's the rest then: ayms, Tink, dabs, ICB, Jizzy, dangerkitty, Lady T, JV, Koko, LisaPooh, MIS, Merrick, Mon Cherie, moonbaby, northernlights, Pepe, RR, rameses, Webby, supermansister, VolMel, tag, Dakota, OFG, true, boomer, Skyraider, MandyM, etc, etc, etc...

And my favorite poster of all? Well, that would have to be Superman. And seriously, if I left someone out, I'm kicking your ass.

I take full responsibility. ‘Cause I am so very scared of you of course. What is your real version of kryptonite anyway.?

Tsk, tsk... You really don't expect me to reveal that do you?

No, well not in public anyway.. but this interview will be over soon. That was fun. Let’s move on to something more innocuous. What’s up with the TTL’s? How did you decide to start doing those?

BadAs started a contest a loooooong time ago. Back when the board consisted of only a handful of us. It was suggested that we, as a board, write a TopTen Dave-style list on why SurvivorBlows is the best or something to that nature.

Well, I posted an entire ten, complete with banter and everybody was all "Yay! Superman!" So, I was hooked.

<Supe turns toward camera>

You see, kids. Last thing you wanna do is fuel my ego. Because when you do, shy guys like me turn into ranting, raving lunatics.

I had a TopTen competition with BA and with shakes and those are fun. I just hope Survivorerist never challenges me, because I know he could whip my ass.

Yes, Eristo would certainly give you a run for your money. You are also famous for Who's Still Awake 1 and 2. How did that get the reputation for soft porn that it has now?

Well..because it was soft porn sans' pictures. Nothing wrong with that. The first WSA, methinks was the night I came back from the dead. It was probably one of the funniest things I've seen here. Vamp and I flirted on that thread all night *snicker*

Well, my favorite would be WSA3, but that is because it was all about me. Just like these interviews. But lets go temporarily back to your thoughts. <Kismet snickers>Is there anyone here that you would ditch Vamp for?

Vamps is the greatest. No, I wouldn't hurt her for the world. Not saying that I'd rule out a three-way or anything..but...y'know..

Don’t make me activate those checks again. While we are on the subject though.. What is the funniest thing you have seen on this board?

Funny-ha ha or funny-queer?

Funny ha ha.

I don't know. Shakes makes me laugh quite a bit. And the Who's Still Awake threads still crack me up. I guess it would probably have to be something Pendragon said once. I don't know what thread it was or why it struck me like it did. Survivorerist had something about liking Pendragon and Pendragon replied with "I like you too. Hold me Surv."

I bet he put you up to that, didn’t he? Let’s get serious for a minute. Tell us more about you…

Me? You wanna know about me?

<Superman blushes>

Ok, I'm 27, married, three kids (two seven year old girls and one boy who will be 1 on Dec. 5th.). I'm insane as deemed by the American Medical Association. The green bugs in my TV have more knowledge in their pinky fingers than all the great minds ever dreamed of having. I think the two major foodgroups are nicotine and caffeine. And I, much like yourself, am a member of the secret underground right wing movement.

Shhhh… I really do enjoy your writing. It is both very good and very dark.. Do you have a background in writing?

Thank you and no. I'd never attempted anything like what I'm doing now. It started when I came on the board after my week off and saw all these posts with "SSC" in front of them. I started reading and soaking it all in. Then I came across a few of Sherp's posts. It was like...like reading something I had in the back of my mind, yet had never been able to express. The pure beauty in his phrases along with the insanity of the intent. His stuff inspired me to try my hand and I'm glad it did. The Criminal's project is really important to me. I appreciate Dave's willingness to play along with me, and Sami and Vamp too.

<Kismet flips through her notebook.>

Hmmm wow.. I forgot all about this one. Tell me, how do you differ from your BV persona? Do you like the way you were portrayed?

My what?

B-l-o-w-s-v-i-v-o-r?

I have no knowledge of this "blowsvivor." Sounds silly and childish to me, let's move on, shall we?

Well, that’s all I had. What else do you want us to know?

I think you should all know what you mean to me, but I'm not gonna tell you. You wouldn't be able to fathom it. I also want you to know that one day soon, after Mark Burnett finally wises up and puts me on the show...and I win, you'll all be getting an invitation from me in the mail along with a plane ticket. And we're all going to have the biggest party the world has ever known. Imagine it for a minute. The musical stylings of Vampkira, stand-up comedy from Pendragon, an ItzLisa art show, real life belly dancing
lessons from Ayms, a live body art show and tell, even shakes signing autographs... ALL the talent that's taken us over a year to discover here.. packed in one room for one night. Can you imagine being there and looking over to actually find a kid drinking orange milk through a bendy straw? Somehow, it'll happen. One day.

Well Supe, that’s all we need for the interview. Most people stopped watching an hour or so ago anyway. Thank you for, umm forcing me into this. It was quite a nice little stroll down memory lane.

It was for your own good actually.

See? It’s the infernal cockiness that gets you in trouble every time. You just ruined all of those touchy-feely mushy feelings the viewers were experiencing. Thank you.

<Kismet turns to the Camera.>

Thank you for joining us for this special ‘retro’ edition of Cornertime with Kismet. If you actually watched the entire show, you have a much longer attention span than I ever gave you credit for.

<Kismet picks up the remote control and presses the green button again. Superman begins writhing on the floor. >

I will send for VampKira. I am sure she is BRBing so it could be awhile.

<Kismet leans in close to Superman looking him in the eyes.>

Never ever threaten me again. This is minor compared to what I will do to you the next time.

<Kismet stands up and dusts herself off as Superman slumps to the floor moaning. She walks to the hidden door and we see a brief flash of an evil grin as she exits. A few minutes later, Vampkira rushes in with the remote. She hits the green button and scoops Superman into a tight embrace. The two begin kissing immediately. The stage goes dark and we hear Kismet say to the camera. “Right like I would let it end with a sex scene!>

This concludes the episode of Cornertime with Kismet.

*edited because I am rusty at this thing. Gimme a break will ya?


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Table of Contents
  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 Superman's Cornertime with Kismet   Kismet     11-30-01       
   Holy Sheet!!   VampKira     11-30-01     1  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   Tinkerbell     11-30-01     2  
   BRAVISSIMO!!!!!!   ItzLisa     11-30-01     3  
     RE: BRAVISSIMO!!!!!!   Leif Eriksen     11-30-01     5  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   PepeLePew13     11-30-01     4  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   Riordan     11-30-01     6  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   mistofleas     11-30-01     7  
     RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   Tinkerbell     11-30-01     8  
     RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   Mon Cherie     11-30-01     15  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   ItzLisa     11-30-01     9  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   LadyT     11-30-01     10  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   northernlights     11-30-01     11  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   HawkEye     11-30-01     12  
     I'M VERKLEMPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   VampKira     11-30-01     13  
   Classic!   Mon Cherie     11-30-01     14  
   Well, well, well   MakeItStop     11-30-01     16  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   Ronnet     11-30-01     17  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   aymelek     11-30-01     18  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   NightScribe     11-30-01     19  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   Lisapooh     11-30-01     20  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   Jizzy     11-30-01     21  
     RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   aymelek     11-30-01     24  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   SherpaDave     11-30-01     22  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   Drive My Car     11-30-01     23  
   A Most Extensive Interview, Indeed....   IceCat     11-30-01     25  
   Thanks!   Kismet     11-30-01     26  
     WOW!   dabo     12-01-01     29  
         RE: WOW!   Jizzy     12-01-01     30  
             RE: WOW!   dabo     12-01-01     31  
                 RE: WOW!   LadyT     12-01-01     32  
                     RE: WOW!   dabo     12-01-01     34  
                         RE: WOW!   LadyT     12-01-01     35  
     RE: Thanks!   northernlights     12-02-01     38  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   MandyM     11-30-01     27  
   THANKS!!!!!!!!!   sleeeve     11-30-01     28  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   true     12-01-01     33  
   Well... Well... Well........   Lady_Electra     12-01-01     36  
     RE: Well... Well... Well........   Jizzy     12-01-01     37  
   WOO-dee-freakin-HOOOO!   moonbaby     12-02-01     39  
     RE: WOO-dee-freakin-HOOOO!   VampKira     12-03-01     40  
   RE: Superman's Cornertime with Kism...   Frau Hexe     12-03-01     41  
   Wunderbar!   AyaK     12-04-01     42  
   Why I Love Superman (the heterosexu...   Pendragon     12-04-01     43  
     RE: Why I Love Superman (the hetero...   Drive My Car     12-05-01     44  
   Wow!   Superman     12-07-01     45  

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