LAST EDITED ON 09-15-17 AT 08:43 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 09-15-17 AT 08:22 PM (EST)

Ahoy Castaway Bashers!!!

Another “real” season of Survivor is upon us. Let’s hope CBS doesn’t take a page out of BB and have a slimy scum-of-the-earth returnee like a Paul Abramson “jack-in-the box” his way into the game on the season premier.

Before I get into the individual bashings, a few general observations:

Not a fan of the three-tribe beginning. I enjoy the concept of the cut and dry concept of either being victorious in the team IC and earning your safety, or having to grab your torch and take the walk to TC. With three tribes you don’t have to be on a solid tribe as much as having good ‘ole dumb ass luck to possibility be able to escape TC until merge. *COUGH* Michele Fitzgerald *COUGH* *COUGH*
But I do enjoy the “Heroes, Healers, Hustlers” theme, so I guess you can’t have it both ways.

Collectively, we have the following Pet Peeves among this season’s cast—Four hate laziness, four despise complainers, among others who also note fake people and liars as dislikes that annoy them. Have any of these players even watched one episode of Survivor? Maybe we’ll have some Earl’s or Ami’s who swear to have never seen the show before they embarked on the game… *SNORT*

Anyway, here’s my initial bash of this season’s cast in alphabetical order based on their bios:

ALAN – One may feel a former NFL player is as good as dead in this game, but I don’t think any castaway will recognize Alan as a former 7th round pick who played in the NFL. If he doesn’t have the need to feed his ego with former gridiron exploits, he should be able to maintain his anonymity.
His “scratch and claw” competitiveness should make him a beast in comps, yet he goes on to say we will not see gameplay like his? Sorry Alan; scores have played the game by being challenge studs…but thanks to Production’s orgasm with the weak and inept, most have been victimized by the ADS.
So Good Luck.

ALI – She comments that “periods” are not featured on Survivor. Like Duh…I wonder why? Maybe for the same reason we don’t see castaways dealing with bowel movements without any toilet paper or wipes? Probst reluctance to shake players hands might provide a clue. Or the horny toads casted to live among scantly-dressed tribemates, yet no hint or suggestion of any “self-satisfaction” for 39 days?

ASHLEY – No bash from her bio. I’m actually digging her as a player and hope she advances in the game. If she does possess the social skills with both genders as she suggests, it will be a big feather in her cap. I think she’ll hold her own in challenges as well.

BEN – He’s jacked up to be on Survivor for the opportunity to “live with nothing.” Much to Ben’s chagrin, that hasn’t happened since S4. With the generous amount of luxury and food rewards thrown the castaways way on a weekly basis, some select former players actually looked better on Day 30 than when they appeared on the season premier. Yes, sadly the game has evolved to a non-Survivor like ambience.

CHRISSY – As the oldest castaway this season, she’ll be up against the greatest divide in Reality TV—Age. Although with three tribes, if her team can escape last place finishes and she gets past that early season hump, her possible ineptness could punch her ticket to the end game.

COLE – Female castaways will drool over his 2% body fat physique. The weak and inept castaways will anti-darwin his ass out of the game.

DESI – HUBBA, HUBBA! If she gets voted off during the Premier, I may consider packing it in for the season. Well, maybe not…but it would be a huge loss for the eyes of every heterosexual male viewer.

DEVON – By his own admission he will own every challenge, yet will win in the end because everyone will “love” him. Another delusional Survivor. I will burst his bubble with three words: Anti Darwin Syndrome.

JESSICA – She should be in decent shape so long as her tribe doesn’t win a can opener as a reward item. What would be hysterical is blowing her $500 at the Survivor Auction and winning a—Can opener. Of course, I would then be spending the rest of the season beating off the conspiracy theorists like ants at a picnic.

JOE – He’s a NY cop with no hair. Will others immediately make a Tony Vlachos connection? If he’s genuinely a decent guy, that could end up being a cruel and unfortunate fate for Joe.

JP – He appears to be very grounded and focused to play. Only concern—he describes himself as a “romantic.” Hope he doesn’t get sidetracked by some sappy showmance.

KATRINA – She lists her occupation as “Olympian.” She competed in the 1988 Olympic Games. So first grade math suggests she probably hasn’t held a real job for almost 30 years; unless she rattles off a list of unique and exceptional occupations, i.e. Debbie. If so, she has “Cat Lady” written all over her.

LAUREN – How did she get past the casting crew who selects 95% of the female players after tripping over their tongues?? I want to say she probably slipped through the cracks, but given her size/frame that “crack” would have to be the Grand Canyon. She is a fisherman. She better catch tons of fish for her tribe otherwise I do not see her long for this game.

MIKE – A germaphobe and he applied for the show? Apparently not a super fan; and if he is then he must have skipped S32.

PATRICK – He tells us how running a new business is stressful; yet he also tells us he’ll attack his Survivor experience like a “business trip.” Any takers on how many days it will take before his head explodes?

ROARKE – She says everything peeves her. Know what peeves me? Not knowing what the hell she’s talking about listing her hobbies as “falling into Bachelor social media black holes” and “listening to the Uhh Yeah Dude podcast.” Oh, it gets better…
Her inspiration in life is the five-year old offspring (Blue Ivy) of an Ex-Con Thug (Jay-Z) and a woman who prances on stage dressed like a street walker (Beyonce.) Speaking of offspring, she goes on to say she could be the product of former Survivors Sophie Clarke and Courtney Yates. She has the makings to be the most polarized castaway in Survivor history…and we’ve had some doozies. I’m feeling bad for her tribemates; I’ll give them 60 seconds tops before they’ll want to ring this whack-a-doodle’s neck.

RYAN – A geeky “fish out of the water” dweeb who is hoping to be the next David Wright (S33.)

SIMONE – Getting full paid scholarships to Columbia, Harvard, and Tufts! Beyond impressive!!! So with that scholastic resume how did she end up as a—Diversity Advocate? Not that there’s anything wrong with that profession, but getting free rides to Columbia, Harvard, and Tufts, you’d think she’d have found a cure for cancer, or (Like Shirin) working on her second million before 30.
She lists “complaining” as one of her hobbies. With four other castaways listing complaining or whinning as a pet peeve, this does not bode well for our sweet Asian doll.