Can you provide near-instant mini-summaries of typical Week #1 performances that hedge on the border of nightmare? Are you capable of not only identifying, but sensibly running in terror from crazy bears in the woods? Do you have it in you not to be instantly and terminally offended by cheerful atheism, female contestants who don't take a Size -1, and Police Academy flashback? When confronted with an incomprehensible choice of camera angles which leaves you looking at the floor -- your own -- do you yawn? Then you may be qualified to segcap this series! Please provide multiple written samples of your work tonight when the episode starts, and don't worry about it being perfect on the first try. Samantha's had about a hundred tries by now and none of them have even been remotely passable, so why should you care?

Or just comment along as desired, 'cause segcapping isn't for everyone. (It's been known to cause twitches in laboratory rats.)

New season. New contestants. New trainers. New heights of verbal ejaculation from Bruno. And new depths reached in the eternal competition between Ms. Harris and Ms. Abdul to see which one can be the least comprehensible.

We're live, on -- Dancing With The DAWS: Round Six!

And no sigpics. Penn will just make them disappear.