It's a Saturday night (7/24/04). I've come to the sad realization that my life must indeed suck if I can find nothing better to do than watch the most self-centered and delusional people on television preen, yak, b!tch, whine, snuggle, cuddle, argue, leer, grimace and belch for 60 minutes...and this episode didn't even show Julie Chen. Accepting my sucktitude is the first step toward healing, right?For those who might have missed Thursday's episode, Lori was voted out and Drew **sigh** won the HOH contest in some amazingly easy competition that involved numbers and blindfolds, I think.
This sends the houeguests into their typical frenzies...the first one being, "What will be in Drew's room?" Drew eagerly invites them in to see what his loving family has sent to make his cell in the ugliest house in California a little bit more palatable. The guests ooh and ahh over the stuff, espeically the two prized items: Drew's pillow and his blankie. Bless Drew's hot, gorgeous little heart. It's hard to be The Man when Mom sent your woobie to you on national TV. There are also the requisite pictures and food. Yawn. All the guests gush that this is by far the best HOH stuff so far. Yeah, well, they've had a whopping two others to compare it to.
Anyway, that's that. Once the gush-fest is over, it's time for the Four Whoresmen to get down to business. Who should Scott, Jase er, DREW nominate? Naturally, Scott and Jase want the girls gone. CB hates Marvin. Yada, yada, yada. I don't care how you edit this---there is no way to make it either suspenseful OR entertaining.
After the break, we see Scott b.s'ing the crowd with tales about his job and a complete lie about his birthday. He's really a freak. The headband is on waaaaay too tight.
As those of you who read these summaries may know, it's fair game to make up dialogue or situations that may or may not be 100% accurate portrayals of the players involved. Some of our esteemed writers are absolute masters at this. Me? Not so much. Thankfully, the Three Stooges provided me material so rich that it's almost not fair. It's as if they KNEW it was my turn to summarize.
Basically, Jase, Scott and Holly are all lolling outside bemoaning the fact that life is unfair to them beacuse they are soooooooooo good looking. It's really HARD to be so attractive and people just don't give you a fair shot. Dumb jocks. Bimbos. They never get a fair shake. Peole just don't take them seriously.
Holly: I don't think people would treat me the same if I had like, glasses and brown hair (okay, Holly, we all know that you HAVE brown hair. They still don't like you).
The looks on their faces are absolutely priceless. They are deadly serious. Theirs is a difficult cross to bear......at this point, I just want to pull those insipid headbands down over their mouths and tape Holly's mouth shut. No, make that glue. Or staples.
After this deep, thoughtful conversation, it's time for lockdown becuase it's FOOD COMPETITION TIME! The HG all come out and find a giant, inflatable pool filled with tomato soup-like stuff and spongey letters floating around in it. I'd say this was a cheesy competition, but it's actually better than some that MB and company have thrown together. Not that that's saying much, though.
Drew gets to read the directions. *mmmmmmm* In this scintillating race against the clock, the fearsome competitors must plunge one at a time into the sea of soup and pluck letters out to spell food items. In a particularly devious twist, all of the vowels are AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL! **gasp** The HG must delve into the murky depths of the soupy swamp and find the apprpriate vowels. Once they've spelled out the food item, then they have to muster the strength to actually speak the name of the food item and then, with whatever effort they can wring out, dump the letters back into the pool. They have only 10 minutes to secure their food items for the rest of the week. However will they make it????? The ever present threat of PB and J looms over them.
I'm not exactly sure HOW they could lose this one, but I suppose it is possible.....no, not even for them is it possible. BB must have decided that these pansy-asses whine and b!tch enough already.
The competition begins with Marvin jumping in and frantically searching for the letters for BEER. He's very, very proud of himself. Shut up, Marvin.
Next up is Cowboy. He knows what's for dinner...BEEF. He's from Oklahoma where they hum that jingle to babies in the cradle. If he'd picked any other item, he probably couldn't have gone home.
Enter Scott, king of the Four Whoresmen. Few things on television gave me greater pleasure than Scott falling on his ass into a giant pool of faux tomato soup. It was classic. He jumped up on the ladder and somehow crashed down. I hope it was painful. Then, he further entertains me by grabbing up the letters for STEAK. He is so proud. His chest actually puffed out; his posse cheers. America stares dumbly wondering if he is REALLY that stupid. STEAK is BEEF, you moron. The answer comes in a few moments.
Next is Will who pokes fun at himself and his oopsey in the last food challenge and picks EGGS. Jase gets PIZZA, Diane spells MILK, Adria finds APPLES, Holly wants roughage, but gets WINE, Karen gets COLA and Niconnifer gets PORK.
Thanks to their awesome athletic showing, there is time to go back through the line. Marvin keeps up the protein feast and chooses CHICKEN. Cowboy elicits the first female moans and squeals of pleasure in his life when he spells out LOBSTER. Then Scott's up.
Now? What could be left? Time is of the essence, so you want something easy to spell that everyone will like. Scott carefully mounts the ladder and enters the pool. He's a man on a mission, but determined not to make a complete ass of himself this time around. He scrambles around and quickly throws letters up on the easel. C S S.....wtf? Crass? Cuss, Class? What on earth is he trying to spell? He dives down looking for some vowels...E E E (look tripoli!) and hastily snatches an H. Beaming with pride, he whips around to see the glee on his fellow HG face. Scott is man. Scott wins CHEESSE. Mmmm, CHEESSE. Who doesn't love a big hunk of CHEESSE?
Yes, now we know. Scott really IS that stupid.
The HGs scream at him to fix the word and he eventually pulls down the superfluous S. What a dumbass. Time runs out and the players rejoice. Drew is very proud of them. Drew is hot.
Miscellaneous Ramblings
--sick, grouchy child here. I'll be back to finish tomorrow.
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