Big Brother 5, Episode 4 Official Summary
The Big Mouth That Didn’t Roar

Previously on BB5…
Alright look, I’ve devoted enough time to Episode 3. If you don’t know the score, read this. If you don’t have time, here’s the synopsis: Mike’s dead meat.

After an all too brief respite, the most useless host in show business returns to tell us two things, initially. First, that Mike and Jennifer are nominated, which, if you’re someone who watches this show (and honestly, if you aren’t, why would you start now?), you already know. Also, that project DNA (That’s Do Not Assume, because we all know the punch line to that joke. Although it is safe to assume a couple things about Big Brother. 1) That stupid people will always, always, always make stupid decisions. 2) That this cast grows more stupid every season. 3) 1 + 2 makes me a complete moron for wasting 3 nights a week during the Summer watching this show.) has yet another twist. It seems a pair of twins have been switching every few days and the rest of the houseguests are none the wiser. This is easy to believe, because one would have to stop looking at oneself in the mirror long enough to notice other people exist, let alone whether they might have a mole one day and not the next. Anyway, tonight we learn their identity. I guess the suspense of the pending vote isn’t enough to hold BB’s audience this week. Speaking of which, it’s time for the production staff to introduce doubt as to the vote's outcome.

The 4 Horseheads are out in the yard pumping iron. Kling and Klang (that’s Jase and Scott, to the uninitiated) are spotting Drew, who is doing bench press reps. Cowboy Michael stands off to the side, like a puppy dog. Kling tells us in confessional that he has the intellect to be the puppet master in the house. He can’t manage his own hair, and we’re supposed to believe he can control 12 other people?

Meanwhile in the hot tub, Cowboy Michael and Jennifer talk strategy. Cowboy tells Jen that the game’s all mental, which pretty much eliminates him from contention. They agree for what seems to be the 3rd time in 2 days that they need to keep their biological connection on the down-low. A good start might be to stop separating yourself from the group and talking in hushed tones.

Cue Marvin (misdirection attempt #1), who says one reason to evict Jen is that she’s got a brother in the house. He reasons that it wouldn’t be fair if he had a brother in the house, forgetting for the moment that these people don’t know each other from Adam. Logic seems to escape Marvin, though. Similar to the way Osama continues to escape custody.

Cowboy then tells his tatted sis that she better be sure to trust whoever she allies herself with. To which she replies, I know because I don’t have an alliance. She then tells us in confessional that she’s really got some form of alliance with both the guys and the girls. Damn, they've known each other less than two weeks and she's already lying to him.

Will tells us that Jen is a dangerous player because of her floater status. He’d be fine with Jen going home this week. (Misdirection attempt #2) Not that he's going to vote for her, of course.

Holly and Kling
Just when I thought Kling couldn’t get any less bearable, it seems he’s taken a shine to our beloved dimwit, Holly. We see her making him lunch, and spelling his name on the plate in Cheez Wiz. In addition to serving as a nice greeting, it’s great for dipping! Next we see the 2 of them on the couch with Holly in Kling’s lap, feeding him like a bird. This? Is waiting on a VCR in Hell for me…on endless loop. The good news is that the other women in the house watch this unholy union (when it isn’t their turn to use the bathroom to vomit) in abject horror. Holly isn’t getting a sniff of that alliance, not that she would know what such a thing is in the first place.

Militia Mike is busy hammering the last few nails into his coffin, by continuing to yammer on about Kling and Klang’s dominance. Lori asks him if Kling’s new-found interest in airhead Holly is something. Mike goes Dalai Lama on her by saying “everything is something”, and asks her to snatch the pebble from his hand. He continues on about Cowboy and Dye-job being “something”, too. After all, you don’t have a sibling in the house, do you Lori? Next thing you know, Lori’s in confessional telling us she’s not “100%” on Mike being the one to leave this week. (Misdirection attempt #3) This would have some weight to it if not for the fact that Lori is a complete lemming.

Inside, Sensei Mike is giving Drew advice. 3 guesses what that advice is. After telling him that Kling and Klang must be stopped (preferably with tranquilizer darts), Drew looks confused (and I mean even more confused than he usually looks). Drew confides in us that he sees Mike as a father figure in the house (but not in the George-Michael-bold-and-naked kind of way…at least I hope to hell not). This is misdirection attempt #4, and we’re not even 15 minutes into the show. I am now utterly convinced that Militia Mike is gone…unanimously. Mike pops into confessional to tell us that he’s done all he can do. I sure hope he doesn’t bring that kind of work ethic to his commercial painting job.

Back out in the yard, Klang is bragging some more about the Horseheads. He thinks Militia Mike is gone unanimously, which just proves he is the reigning Master of the Obvious. He goes on to say that he fully expects to win HOH. If he does, this may be the last episode of this season that I watch. I don’t think I could tolerate a whole week of his armpit sniffing. Kling tells him that the Horseheads will make it to the end. And to think, I actually thought it couldn’t get any worse than a Final 2 of Ali and Jun.

Flash forward to the present, where Julie has gathered the houseguests. (Oh, wow. Jen’s hair actually matches her Hot Seat. Now that’s coordination.)

Julie: Michael, how do you feel about meeting your long-lost sister, only to possibly see her be the first one evicted?
Michael: It’s cool. We’ve got the Springer show to look forward to after this is done.

Julie: Lori, you threw the whole house under the bus with your greed. Any regrets?
Lori: Pfffft. What-ever. Who would be stupid enough to pass up 10 large?

Julie: Klang, the guys seem to be more high-maintenance. What’s up with that, you big Nancy?
Klang: Yeah, like we’re going to let the girls get all the attention.

Julie: OK, that’s it for now, gerbils. Mike? Jen? You guys can sweat it out a little longer, as I have Project DNA to pimp and Michael and Jen’s trashy story to tell.

But first, we get a scary glimpse into the minds of Klang, Lori, Holly, and Samuel L. Jackson as Marvin, the Mortician…

Klang: Militia dood’s a threat. He must go.

Lori: Mike’s a strong player…or at least that’s what everyone tells me.

Holly: I like to spell people’s names in Cheez Wiz.

Marv: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides…

Back from commercial, Julie tells us for the 16th time about how clever BB was in getting 2 siblings who never knew of each other’s existence. And, stealing a page right out the Montel Williams playbook, thought it would be cool to give us a glimpse of the patriarch of this dysfunctional clan. Guy Dedmon is a grizzled old man with a beard that hasn’t been trimmed since David Lee Roth left Van Halen. He is very thankful to Big Brother for reconnecting him to his son that he “never knew existed”. Michael’s mom is excited about this too, as she has 23 years of back child support due her. They rehash all the footage of Michael finding out, only this time through Guy’s eyes. Guy is way too mellow of a person to have fathered these 2 spazzes.

Meanwhile back in the game, Jennifer’s colorful appearance is threatening to some…

Karen: She’s getting more attention than me, just because she has tattoos and nipple piercings. This will not stand.

Adria: She is a total freak, but I mean that in the most supportive way possible.

Drew: Mike’s just like my Dad. He got kicked out, too.

Karen: Mike is so opinionated. He should really cut that out. Everyone hates people who speak their mind and don’t hold anything back. Really, he’s an asshole. Strictly my own opinion, of course.

Drew: Jen is the kind of human—she is human, right?—right. She’s the kind of human who gets cooler the more you know about her. I mean I just found out she has nipple piercings, and really, what’s cooler than that?

Kling is now in the HOH room to answer Julie’s questions. In preparation for this, he has gotten himself shitfaced. This is the first thing he’s done in this game that’s made sense.

Julie: How’d you like the spy-cam, you perv?
Kling: It was awesome.
Julie: Why did you only tell the Horseheads about it?
Kling: What? And let the women know I can see them changing? Are you that stoopid?

Julie: What do you like the most about being HOH?
Kling: Making everyone be my bitch. The only problem is that they aren’t being real about it. I want real bitches, not people just pretending to be my bitches.

Julie: Was it a good thing, being first HOH?
Kling: It was better than a kick in the head, that’s for sure.

Thus ends this segment of Julie’s Softball Questions.

Back in the Diary Room, the last voting contingent reflects on the nominees…

Michael: Mike’s a nice guy, but I’m Kling’s bitch, and you know what that means.

Will: Mike is shrewd and strategical. (“Strategical”? Looks like Militia Mike’s been spewing too much Bush-speak at you this week. Don’t misunderestimate him, now.)

Diane: Mike was the best guy I ever sold out.

Will: You wouldn’t want Mike on your bad side. He has such a potty mouth, you wouldn’t believe.

Michael: Jen’s nice and all, but my fiancée said “don’t come back unless you win”. So if I have to kick her to the curb, so be it.

We come back from commercial, and the moment has arrived. You could cut the tension with a plastic knife. It’s time for Julie to reveal the vote and send the first of these DAWs home.

By a unanimous vote, Michigan Militia Mike, The Don, is the first person evicted from the house. I’ve never in my life seen such a sucky player get so many props. I guess it’s time to start the “Best Player Ever To Be Evicted First By A Unanimous Vote” dialogue. Anyway, he makes his way through the fake hugs and goodbyes, and heads out into the sun on his way to Julie’s chamber of horrors. Then we have the obligatory flash back to the house, while Mike gets all miced-up for his interview with Julie. Those houseguests sure don’t wait very long to backbite, do they? The guy’s not even out the door 1 minute and they’re already hugging Jennifer and telling her what a great job she did as “Pawn”. Kling admits to being drunk and asks everyone if they want to go bowling. Holly gets excited, as she brought her shoes, just in case.

Finally, Mike is ready…

Julie: Why were you the first to go?
Mike: Because I suck…mightily.

Julie: It didn’t seem like you tried very hard to save yourself.
Mike: Did I mention that I’m a quitter, too?

Julie: Are you mad that you didn’t get at least one vote?
Mike: No. They’re all a bunch of chickenshits. I expected this.

Julie: Are you surprised to be here so soon?
Mike: Have you been watching this show?

Julie: Huh?
Mike: I totally suck at this game. My heart just wasn’t in it when I learned how hard it is to sit on your ass all day and gossip.

Julie: What was the best thing that happened to you in there?
Mike: This. Right now. Going home. Did I mention how much I suck at this?

Julie: Your housemates all recorded messages in the event you were the one to be evicted, not that we wasted tape recording ones for Jennifer. Hope you understand.
Mike: Totally.

Julie: Right. Well, here they are…

Holly: Goodbye Mike. I’m sorry I never got to spell your name in Cheez Wiz.

Marv: Nothing personal, but you’re a strong player, so I had to dimple your chad.

Drew: You were just like the father who left me when I was a kid.

Diane: Nice to ruin your game—I mean meet you.

Klang: You were right about me being the strongest person in the house, even if you were referring to body odor. And that’s why you had to go. Well that, and it’s what Kling told us all to do.

Julie: You gonna take that from a guy who primps more than I do?
Mike: Well, he’s right. Sort of. Well, about the BO, anyway.

Julie: You tried to warn the other houseguests. Will they listen?
Mike: Umm, no.

Julie: Why not?
Mike: Are you sure you get paid to watch this show? I spent 5 days telling these people the sky was falling, and all they could do was bitch about how they had to eat PB&J for a week.

Julie: Do you think you did a good job?
Mike: My mom doesn’t even think I did a good job.

Julie: Thanks, Mike. Don’t let the door hit you and all that…

Head of Household Competition
“Majority Rules”
Julie will ask a series of questions about the houseguests. The houseguests will have to pick A or B based on what they think the majority will say. Those in the majority stay in the game. Those in the minority are eliminated.

Question 1: Who looks at himself in the mirror more, Kling or Klang? (This is a total dead heat.)
Majority answer: Klang.
Klang, Will, Adria, and Drew eliminated.

Question 2: Who would you rather have mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from, Diane or Drew? (Well, Drew has more air in his head to donate.)
Majority answer: Drew
Diane eliminated.

Question 3: Who hates PB&J more, Marv or Jen? (And, again, Who. Cares?)
Majority answer: Marv
Karen and Jen eliminated.

Question 4: Who would you rather have babysit your kids, Klang or Holly? (Is leaving them home, alone, with sharp objects readily accessible an option? Cuz I’d take that over either A or B.)
Tie answer: 2-2

Question 5: Who is the better cook, Marv or Karen?
Majority answer: Marv
Everyone picked Marv.

Question 6: Who would write a better love poem, Will or Jen? (That depends. Which is worse, bad gay poetry or bad Goth poetry?)
Tie answer: 2-2

Tiebreaker:
How many yellow balls were collected during the food spiral game? Answer: 100.
Michael: 63, Marv: 81, Holly: 47, Lori: 40. Marv wins the HOH competition.

Now it’s time to expose Project DNA’s latest twist. (Yawn.) After much attempt at suspense in telling us that Drew and Diane both admitted to having twins and Holly talking about her twin (someone needs to inform her that holding conversations with yourself does not make you a twin), we learn that it is, in fact, Adria whose twin has been switching with her every few days. Her twin’s name is Natalie, and we are told that when one twin is in the house, the other is in seclusion. If the house is on PB&J, the twin is on PB&J. Y’know, I’d take solitary confinement and a diet of earthworms and battery acid if it meant not having to listen to Kling, Klang and Holly. Anyway, if they can make it to the half-way point without being “discovered”, then both players can enter the game individually. This would be worth it if Holly were still in the house, as I’m certain she would think Adria cloned herself.

That about wraps up this episode. Tune in next week to hear Marvin say, “What does Marcellus Wallace look like?!” Oh, and also he’ll nominate 2 people.

Fester