1. Using his demonstrated Tribal Council public relations skills, quote an exert from any rallying speech Brad ever made with his team down twenty points at halftime.

I got nothing. I assume it probably involves blaming the WAGs for the deficit.

2. Why would you give two idol clues to someone if you didn't want them to be voted out?

I'd say that your loved one has Russell Hantz's idol-finding skills, but he found clues without an idol, so...because you're a moron, I guess.

3. Communication between game-active members of tribes at No Such Thing As Redemption Arena is becoming a problem. Suggest a solution.

Jerry Springer's security team to keep them apart?

4. On a scale of 0 to NBA Lottery, how rigged were the random challenge matchup draws?

Big Brother 14.

5. Imagine Colton has just made F3. Who has to be sitting next to him before he gets your vote?

Purple Kelly and Bryan from my fictional TAR series.

6. Vytas believes in going for the cheap shot while being offered game courtesy. What does that make him?

Dreamz with less gameplay.

7. Just for the fun of it, let's pretend this requit was Jeff's fault for bringing a quitter back in the first place. Do what Jeff himself will never manage in a million years and write his apology.

Dear viewers,

I, Jeff Probst, accept full responsibility for Colton. And for the Hantz clan - two seasons of Russell aren't worth this crap. And for Purple Kelly. And for the Outcasts. And for the missing cheese Danish off of Mark's desk. And for the Spanish-American War. And for the dinosaurs dying off. And for Rupert never winning.

8. What's the real reason Colton was allowed to keep his buff?

Because burning it would have released the stench of Colton failure into Redemption Island, and no amount of Febreze is getting that out.

9. How would you describe a group of men who only keep women around as long as they cook and clean for the males?

Frat boys with Peter Pan syndrome?

10. Name a negative aspect to Colton's departure.

He won't be kidnapped by spider monkeys and have plums thrown at his face for our amusement? I dunno...