LAST EDITED ON 05-13-13 AT 04:11 PM (EST)

Spoilers: At the final TC and Reunion:

1. Phil will continue to be Full Of It. And in a cruel twist, Twitter will egg him on. The monkeys in the jungle and the VFTW'ers need their comedy fixes, I guess.

2. Warning: Hide your children and elders with weak hearts: Dawn will display her road teeth. And for a moment at final TC Brenda will get to bend her over the Pommel Horse and ride her like the donkey she is (only metaphorically, darn it!).

3. Brenda’s baby is due any minute. Unseen in her video broadcast was the scaffolding they installed to keep Brenda from pitching over forward. Dat baby is big! And dat Mama is skinny.

4. Malcolm will achieve stardom with an acting turn. A stomach turning acting turn. Still, he will be deemed an incarnation of Apollo by all the 12YO girls in Twitterdom. And their Moms. And their sisters, aunts, and, well, by the whole dam viewing audience. (I'm not jealous mind you, even though most of the Really Really Raunchy girls also seem to be diverted by him. OK, I am jealous. I hate him, I mean, is there such a thing as TOO handsome? I think there is.).

5. In a rare display of public decency, EPMB declines to invite Brandon or any other example of the species “Hantz” to the Final. They were afraid that Brandon and Russell would whup-up on Phil’s shin bones. Or that one would climb up on the other’s shoulders and hit him in the nuts. Also, hot air produced by a bellowing Hantz is said to cause ex-Federal Wanna-Be (Yeah, right!) Agents to curl up in a ball and whimper. Can’t have that on an EPMB production.

6. Rudy Boesch will demonstrate his total PC awareness by, once again, referring to Richard Hatch as a Queer. Repeatedly. And pitching his “Hatch is my friend, but not in a Homosexual Way” tee shirts.

Doth he protest-ith too much? (Hey Rudy, You've been thinking about this a lot, haven't you!)

(An aside - Seriously, folks, would you rather get that Tee, or one of my “Raunchy Girl School” Tee’s? No contest, I think.)

7. Speaking of Richard Hatch, he will once again display his well pixilated genitals, Repeatedly.

Note to EPMB: After 13 years of pixilating his yanker you should just go ahead and show it. Is it all that it is pixilated up to be? Or is it just much-ado-about-very-little? Only Rudy, Hatch's homophobic but apparently still considering his own sexuality, friend, knows the truth.

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