To the tune of “Can’t Help Lovin’ That Man of Mine”…

Reichen:
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly
Chip starts to drive, I’m scared that I’ll die
Can’t help loving that TAR man of mine.

Kelly:
When Jon got naked, he had to show
It took a small dot to hide…well, you know…
Can’t help loving that TAR man of mine.

Dave (or was it Jeff? Don’t know, don’t care.)
He calls me Dude, and I call him Bro
Time to eat eyeballs, I stopped, “Whoa, no”
Can’t help…wait a minute, we’re at the wrong song parody! Dude, we got lost again. Dude…

What can I say? I couldn’t get through a whole season without at least one song parody. It’s in my blood.

TSI, the Finale: Triumph of the Crash Test Dummies

What did y’all do for the TSI Finale? We had a TAR party, complete with Australian cheese, Spanish mackerel, and French wine. We had invited a whole bunch of people, but no one else showed up. OK, we thought about inviting a whole bunch of people, but then we realized there would be more for us if we didn’t, so we didn’t.

Let’s take a look at this week’s results, before moving on the final wrap-up.

Reichen & Chip – Chip drove. Need I say more? I was too busy laughing my ass off to catch most of what happened during the rest of the episode. Hands raised…who was surprised when Chip went off the road? Shame on you, go to the back of the class. Reichen showed the heart of a basher as he commented on his partner’s lack of skill.

Before Chip flipped the van… “It makes me completely terrified when I’m in the back and Chip is driving.”

After Chip flipped the van… “You can’t do that again.” (At this point, I was laughing too hard to yell, but I was thinking “Wanna bet?”)

Before skydiving… “I’d rather be doing this than sitting in the back of the car when Chip is driving.”

Before the roadblock (after being “being the biggest loser who has ever driven a car”)… “You can go as fast as you want, just promise me you’ll slow down before we turn.”

At the Roadblock (you know, the one with the Brady Bunch tiki set), the boys gave us loads of misplaced quote basher material as Reichen admired his partner’s attempts to hammer his spike. He was the only one who found the efforts noteworthy. (Shame on y’all for going there, BTW.)

Reichen: When I feel Chip getting frustrated I fight the urge to take over.
Chip: Break open you son of a bitch.

But Reichen, Reichen, Reichen. Just when we thought we were finally done with your pronunciation butchering since you had returned to the States, you got confused between the name of a city (Hilo) and the name of a poker game (high-low). Sigh. Just stand there and look good – that’s your strongest quality.

But these guys also earned the final Dicque to be awarded during this season, because of their airport behavior. (Shame on y’all for going there again, BTW.) Every minute counted, so what did these boys do to prepare for their final flight? First of all, they got seats in the bulkhead row (first row of coach), and not because they wanted the extra legroom. They knew it would give them a few extra minutes getting off the plane. That four row difference was also the difference between first and first runner-up, and we North Carolinians know how ugly things can get between the two. Then the boys spent their layover finding out exactly how to get to their next route marker, complete with an address to give to their driver.

Mr. Bebo: But Kelly & Jon are going to follow them.
Me: So what? The important thing is that they would be following. The important thing for the boys is to be winning.
Chip: It’s going to come down to racing out of the airport like animals…crazed animals.

(Shame on y’all for going there yet again, BTW.)

I was glad the guys were able to keep their lead in the Stadium, because using sports references with gay guys is unfair. At least, that’s what Will told Grace in the rerun that I watched right before TAR.

Mr. Bebo showed that he too is a Basher at heart during the emotional ending, when Reichen said, “I can feel safe and happy and trusted with him.” Without missing a beat, Mr. Bebo aded, “Except when he’s driving.” I was so proud. He also picked the episode title. He is such a Basher Boy – that’s why I love him so.

This week: 150 Ryans, 1 Dicque

Kelly & Jon – Show of hands…who yelled in agreement at the TV when Kelly said, “I think we don’t deserve to be here because we’re so stupid.”? I know it wasn’t just me, people.

And what was Jon’s fascinating with bodily functions? First, he’s commenting on Kelly after the skydive, “We might want to check her pants, she might have taken a leak.” Nice going, Jon, point out in front of millions (OK, thousands) of people that your lady love wet her pants. Then his show of sour grapes when they didn’t get on the flight with the boys had him “hoping they’re going to get a severe case of diarrhea on the plane”. But when he gets to the roadblock, is his main concern getting the task done as quickly as possible? No, he’s afraid of getting his Superman underoos wet. So to the dismay of Kelly, Jon decides to expose the world to his little white dot. The best part of this wasn’t the gratuitous nudity (girls, nod with me on this one), but Kelly’s comments. Like her or not, she once again showed true basher spirit:

“It’s a full moon baby!”
“Be careful, baby, don’t damage the merchandise.”
“Look at that big…ROCK.”
“You’ve got to use your tools.”
“You want to put your panties back on?”

(Panties, Kel? Were the underoos an attempt on Jon’s part to impress the TV audience? Does he normally root through your drawers?)

Another word for Kelly. Dictionary. “Knowing it’s the end is so…stressable.” Um, it’s so “stressable” that you can’t even remember English? If Kelly and Reichen had been a team, they’d be hopelessly lost trying to complete the second leg of the race at this point, given their (ahem) command of languages.

This week: 250 Ryans

Dave & Jeff

Hm, the finale. Were they even in this episode? How fitting that they ended the season the same way they began it – pathetically lost behind the other teams. I knew they were in for an ominous end as Dave (or was it Jeff? Don’t know, don’t care) couldn’t shut the back doors of the car as one of them narrated about how they’d made the least mistakes. By this point, you would think that they would have learned not to just take the first flight out without having a complete flight plan to your final destination. But by this point, you also would think that I could tell them apart. But why bother? They finished third. When the guys were stuck in Sydney, one of them said, “That was the first dagger…doesn’t quite kill you.” Um, Dude (or was it Bro?), one dagger may not kill you…unless you let the wound bleed for an entire day.

TSI Trivia: That fatal blunder that put them an entire day behind the other two teams earned 1,000 Ryans, the worst individual penalty bestowed the entire season.

This week: 1,025 Ryans

THE FINAL RESULTS

The TSI staff (OK, that’s just me) is eagerly standing at the finish line, waiting to see which team will emerge victorious in the TSI. I totaled the results for the final episode, and then I added them to the cumulative totals to see the final overall standings.

Wait a minute…I see two people running hand in hand…here they come! It’s…

CHIP & REICHEN

Yup, the winners of TAR also are the winners of TSI, with 882 Ryans and 4 Dicques. I had to double-check the results, because I could not believe that these guys actually finished first. Sure, they blundered their way through the Race, but didn’t all of the teams? They never made a huge fatal mistake (like the Clowns or Dude & Bro), and were able to minimize mistakes in the crucial final leg. Congratulations, guys. I don’t have any trips or money to offer you (Webby, can I actually have a budget next season if there is one?), so I’ll send you to the victory mat with an INSTAPOLL!

Poll question: How should Reichen & Chip spend their money?
a) Chip should hire a lawyer and sue his Driver's Ed instructor.
b) Reichen should hire a hot chauffeur.
c) Reichen should buy a lot of dictionaries (it’s OK if they have lots of pictures).
d) All of the above.

While the guys accept congratulations from the three other people I bribed to be at the finish line (I told them there would be free snacks. I lied.), we await the arrival of team number 2…

KELLY & JON

They commented on their stupidity a number of times, and there was one episode where they only avoided elimination through the colossal blundering of one other team. With 1,285 Ryans and 1 Dicque, they ended up in the first loser, I mean, first runner-up position yet again.

And somewhere lost in the wilderness, we’ll find our third place team…

DAVE & JEFF

The guys were winning TSI by a comfortable margin going into the last leg. But like the Clowns, they learned it only takes one huge blunder to ruin all of the previously solid efforts. Who cares that they finished first in so many legs? They were a day behind when it counted, even after major bunching efforts. Their final total was 1,416 Ryans and 1 Dicque.

Final Thoughts

So, which is more important to Amazing Race success? Is it more important to run a mistake-free race from start to finish, or is it enough to barely hang on, get penalties for illiteracy, almost kill yourself behind the wheel? That’s the million dollar question.

But from the TSI standpoint, the most important factors are…boneheaded behavior to mock and quotes to twist out of context. And from that standpoint, the true winners are…the viewers, of course!

Bebo, Queen of the Backwoods and your American Idol PTTE co-champ