LAST EDITED ON 03-31-12 AT 06:21 PM (EST)

Moe here, Mo deInfo. Reporting from the red carpet of the annual award show, the Beardies.

All the Raunchy Girls are here too, creating their own show. They are wearing the gauziest sheerest see thru fashions by the French designer, "le Edible", and of course, their "beards" have been trimmed with utmost care using the finest Brazilian wax available, and believe me, they are mighty proud of their little designs, usually little maps to their nethers. This is a proud tradition of Raunchy Girls everywhere.

It was a bit of a spectacle when they arrived on their fancy chopped Vespas. With the slow dignified dismount not being their way, they came slamming up screeching to a smoke filled and unmuffled stop, hopped off their hogs, and did their pantyless splits eight in front of the cameras. Quite a show, I gotta say, but the stars of the show, the Survivor cast members are such duds that, well, someone had to put on a show. They make me so proud. I don't often weep for joy, but this night was an exception.

Anyway, the show. The Beardies. Where the secret votes taken by the Monkey Press are sealed up in an envelope, hidden in a palm tree hole, then brought to this ceremony to be revealed to you the viewer. The Beardie is awarded to the survivors who, in the opinion of the Monkey Press, has had the finest beard grown in the current season of Survivor.

Here are the contestants!!!

For the Women:

Since the women (except for Kim) don't have chin beards, we have to judge the "other" beard".

Alicia wins in the women's category. You would not believe the bush on that girl! Here she is attempting to trim the hedge, but to no avail, she just dulls the blade on that machete as well as getting Chelsea to puke again.

One would think that Sabrina would be the choice here because with that 'fro on top, surely she must have something pretty dense below too. But no, Alicia gots the shaggiest shag in the women's category.

Disclaimer: There are no monetary prizes for the contestants, just what ever we can raise with our porn magazine, our web site, and our tweets, and of course, we have to keep that to pay our overhead.

For the Men:

Since the men do have face hair, and since we get tired of making Chelsea puke, we judge men by the hair of their chinny chin chins.

Troy takes home the grand prize with this very tasteful and well colored chin coif. Dense growth, nice formation, and a tasteful graying pattern which could have come straight from a Spanish Don, or "The Most Interesting Guy In The World" commercial.

This year there was a fine group of candidates, and there were several who could have won in other years.

A close second goes to Jay, whose beard shows great promise but the lack of color variation shows it to be a bit immature right now. An up and comer for sure.

Also, with a fine well patterned growth achieved in a remarkably short time, Mike:

And, although it doesn't look so good from above, when one gets down with him one can see that little Leif also has a very well established growth and his beard is a credit to the little people everywhere. Not to be condescending, but one does have to descend to talk to Leif and properly view his beard, so can't be helped. He does deserve a great deal of credit for his chin hairs.

Before we get to the really awful end of the pack, I think it is fitting that we should award an honorable mention to Kim for her exceptional effort. She didn't get much more that a faint moustache, but she did give it her all, and unless that's actually the result of brown nosing Chelsea, that is indeed a worthy effort. Actually even if...well, never-mind. Fantasyland can wait.

The worst beard award, the "One Big Mess", goes to Tarzan, the picture tells the story;

Finally, in the Girly Boy Beard Category, we have Jonas, who takes this award with very little competition. Outside of the actual women of course. Yeah, I know, he's Asian or something, we should give him a break because of genetics. But we don't do that around here, just wouldn't be the thing.

NEXT WEEK

We will have the Crazy eyes competition, and so far, Kat is leading the pack. Bitch be Crazy, man!

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