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"Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can’t W..."
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RollDdice 5864 desperate attention whore postings
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03-08-12, 03:02 AM (EST)
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"Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can’t W..."
LAST EDITED ON 03-09-12 AT 05:49 PM (EST)

Jiffy’s Official Jaw Drop Door Stop (now available at the Survivor Store) said it best when his eyes spun around like the reels on a coconut slot machine and he intoned, “Twenty four seasons. Some 400 Tribal Councils, and we’ve never had a tribe arrive at Tribal Council after winning immunity.”

How did we get here? Well, I’m going to finish my Lemon Drop Martini and my barely legal native girl. Then when I’m better rested we can discuss the misadventures of the Manifest Density tribe and the Salon Ninnies. For those of you who thought this season was going to be boring, we are on the verge of some monumental stupidity. Enjoy.

Only in the DC Comics Bizarro World - The Manifest Density tribe returns from their first Tribal Council after they had autographed Matt’s “Justices of the Supreme Court” lunch box and reassigned his case to the Ponderosa “No Justice” Building. But Michael is cranky and labels one of the factions of his tribe the Misfit Alliance, made up of Tarzan, Troyzan, Colton, Leif and Jonas. In other words, two chest thumpers, a rump humper, a tree stump and a filet-er o’ fish. It should also be noted that Colton believes that he’s only a member of the Misfit Alliance because his member won’t fit, but that’s a whole other Oprah and one that we’ll examine later … until your eyes bleed. The other half of Manifest Density is made up of the remaining members of The Muscle Alliance; Michael, Jay, Bill, or as they’ll appear in the Survivor Comic book. . . The Bum Puzzler, Helium Boy and The Dark “Open Mic” Knight.

Tarzan tries to position TC as a good thing, saying, “It was good for us that we had to go to Tribal Council, because I truly felt that the five of us were solid.” He sounded a bit like Martha Stewart discussing her federal prison sentence and how dodging a shank in the communal prison shower was an enriching and positive experience.

Speaking of role reversals, the women of Salon Ninnies have ordered a self-help book called “How to Survive in the Amazon” from Amazon, and while it’s not exactly geographically accurate, they are still using the recipe chapters to prepare a mollusk medley consisting of coconut, snails and rice. They’re eating their snails when the puppy dog tails named Troyzan and Jonas walk up to see if they can borrow the fishing net in exchange for some of the net profits. Jonas explains that he’s from Hawaii and he knows “when to lay it, where to lay it and exactly how long to lay it.” I’ve often used the same line after a few dozen Mai Tai’s and the Elvis “Blue Hawaii” show at the Ka’anapali Beach Hotel, but it turns out that Jonas was talking about fishing.

Monica remarks that the women of Salon Ninnies are not starving and that they could go another thirty one days without any hardship. She looks knowingly at the camera and tells us, “It’s mind over matter.” Not to put down their delusional enthusiasm, but my twenty three previous seasons of Survivor have shown me that soon it won’t be “mind over matter” so much as “implants over muscle mass” for any of the females (and some of the male bodybuilders) who are on the Survivor diet.

At this point in time I should also explain a Policy change that will help illuminate the Salon Ninnies tribe name. A couple of years ago, the “See-the-profits-decline” BS execs came to me in tears. They whined that American audiences can’t stand the sight of female body hair, particularly under the arms and in the “tropical jungle” region. “And it’s in High Definition…!,” they sobbed. I finally agreed to permit CBS to parachute their patented Hair And Makeup SEAL teams onto the island. Apparently, the goal of the elite HAM SEAL stylists is to eliminate female beards and turn mono brows into two precisely trimmed eyebrows, each positioned over the appropriate eye. I hope this explains the flawless makeup and hair on women who are allegedly fighting for their lives in the cruel jungles of Samoa. *sigh*

Reward Challenge: “Tic-Tac-Oh” - After that previous expensive and frivolous “Jenga” lawsuit, I’ve decided to go back to the public domain Tic Tac Toe type challenges. Enter Khaki Cowboy Jiffy on the beach, bragging about the “massive” wall of targets and how you have to use your slingshot and coconuts to bust out five panels in either horizontal, vertical or diagonal rows to win. Reward is a choice of “comfort”, “shelter” or “luxury”.

After we explain the word “diagonal” to Kat, we’re ready to go.

Tarzan from Manifest Density is credited for the first broken target, but the Salon Ninnies even things up. Kat scores one for her team. Alicia and Kim are all too familiar with launching big ball-shaped items away from themselves violently, so they’re quick to pick up some points. Finally Monica brings home the win for the Salon Ninnies and they choose the tarp as their reward.

Tarzan indulges in psycho warfare by chanting “Woo woo woo,” and calling the women “lucky”. He seems blissfully unaware that he’s spent the afternoon cheering on his teammate “Jason” instead of calling him by his correct name… “Jonas”. Maybe it wouldn’t have been such a bad idea for Jonas to bring along his Benihana name tag as a luxury item.

“Loose Leifs Sink Sheep” – After the loss, Leif and Bill go to sit on the beach and commiserate. Leif tells Bill that he appreciates Bill’s friendship and the fact that they see eye to thigh on so many issues. They are so buddy-buddy that Leif turns to Bill and remarks, “When Colton said to vote for you (at the last Tribal Council), I didn’t want that.” Bill: “Say what, now?”

In confessional, Bill admits that he’s been “wowed”. First, he discovers that the Salon Ninnies can win physical challenges. Then it’s revealed that the Twink from Sugar Cane Mountain isn’t interested in the United Colors of Benetton.

While the wheels are turning in Bill’s brain, Leif realizes that he has just made a huge mistake. He’s blue and he feels like he’s about two feet tall. So, basically he’s a Smurf. Things only get worse when peeping Michael tells Colton that he saw Leif and Bill in an intense conversation.

“Off With Their Heads! Bring Me My Pig!” – You don’t need to have a Sony Pictures Imageworks employee ID clipped to your belt in order to visualize Colton lounging on a pile of silk pillows, stroking his Hidden Immunity Idol Fell Into His Lap Idol and being fanned by a couple of shirtless Las Vegas showboys. In fact, that’s how Colton sees his current status. When Michael tells him about the Leif and Bill confab, Colton replies, “That little Munchkin is about to get knocked back to Oz. Where is he? Call Leif over here.” Michael, bows and backs away Gollum-like to do Colton’s bidding, all the while muttering “Yes, my Precious.”

When Leif arrives, Colton plays the Red Queen to the hilt and interrogates Leif, who’s pulverizing the Irony Meter by standing there, and well… shaking like a Leif. The Puny Phlebotomist realizes that his only advantage is that his short stature puts him closer to the ground, and this may give him an aerodynamic advantage against the blasts of hot air coming from Colton’s cakehole.

Here’s a Whitman Sampler:
Colton: Did you tell Bill that he’s next?
Leif: Well, I didn’t straight up tell…
Colton: I’m giving you a chance right now. If you told him, tell me and I’ll try to do what I can. If you lie to me again… What did you tell him?

I’ll spare you the intimate details, but Colton verbally replicated a procedure that is usually done in a hospital with a tiny video camera on a flexible wand. Under anesthesia.

Leif later confessionalized that “Today I put the biggest foot in my mouth”, but it’s more likely that the Dr. Scholl’s Arch Support he was tasting came from Colton’s size 10’s, planted south of Leif’s Mason-Dixon line.

Colton also burned through more than his fair share of Munchkin, Oompa Loompa and Little Person jokes. I call on the power of Moe De’Info to punish Colton for that. Perhaps with a Hantz grenade.

“Not The Brightest Star In The Universe” – Back at the Salon Ninnies camp (which is only fifteen feet away from the Manifest Density camp, by the way), the women have received Tree Mail which holds a poetic clue about the upcoming Immunity Challenge. The last line reads, “So today, you’ll just have to be smart.” Smash cut to Kat, who looks worried.

Kat admits that she isn’t the best at puzzles. Alicia tells her that she will partner up with Kat again. Kat searches her feeble memory and asks, “You’re not that good at puzzles, are you?” In a later confessional, Alicia Roshomons the conversation so that Kat comes off as confrontational and Alicia has to “check her”.

In a quiet moment Sabrina tells the camera that Kat is “not the brightest star in the universe when it comes to puzzles,” and “we know we’re already a hot mess when it comes to communication, but Alicia’s such a firecracker…That’s just stuff that we don’t need right now.”

“That Barely Qualifies As A Challenge” - The Immunity Challenge involves pairs of handcuffed tribe mates running out to solve a puzzle. Once the puzzle is solved, the pair can run back with the key and the next pair runs out. Solve all three puzzles, unlock three locks. Raise the flag. Win any stuffed animal from the top shelf.

The Men are all over this one, while Chelsea and Alicia go into brain vapor lock at the first puzzle. Kim is yelling at the two women to just copy the Men’s puzzle. Tarzan is screaming “Cheaters!” One of the women is shouting “Kiss my ass!” back at Tarzan. I suddenly realize that this is the video footage they show to the Taliban in order to bring in new recruits. Five minutes of this and any terrorist would ask for a tailor and a Simplicity pattern for an IED sweater vest.

When it’s all said and done, Jiffy says, “Well, that was a blowout.” At the word “blowout,” the elite CBS HAM SEAL stylists suddenly drop from the trees and push each of the women into a makeup chair. This is followed by the faint noise of combat-ready, sound-suppressed hair dryers starting up. After a moment Jiffy clears the area of HAMs and awards the Immunity Idol to the Manifest Density tribe.

When Jiffy asks Alicia why she and Chelsea couldn’t even solve the first puzzle, she laughs and waves it off. This elicits nervous glances from the rest of her tribe mates. Both Christina and Sabrina seem to be sizing Alicia up for an early departure.

“Please Sir, May We Have Another?” - Post Challenge, there’s still an undercurrent of discontent that Colton is whipping up into a frothy frenzy. Driven by his hatred for Bill, The Red Queen whispers in the ears of The March Hare (Jonas) and The Mad Hatter (Troyzan), trying to push the guys into going to Tribal Council. Colton’s argument is that going to TC now will get rid of the evil Leif and restore order. In confession, Jonas scratches his head and muses, “Here we just won Immunity and Colton’s saying that we should give it away. And I’m thinking … whut?”

Having planted his evil seed, The Red Queen steps back to let Tarzan and Troyzan water it. Faster than you can say “bitch slap”, Tarzan is waving his finger in Leif’s face and talking down to him; both physically and intellectually. “What you did was egregious,” he says to Leif. Tarzan speaks very slowly when he scolds Leif with, “That was bad. Really bad.” All we’re lacking is a missed wee-wee pad and a rolled up newspaper.

Remarkably, everyone is afraid that Colton will use the power of HII to vote them out, when in fact, this would be the perfect opportunity to blindside The Red Queen. *sigh*

“Guess Who’s Coming To Council,” – We try to milk it for all the suspense it’s worth, but it’s pretty obvious that it’s Manifest Density strolling up the garden path. Despite our 47 production meetings, Jiffy flashes his Emmy-award-winning “shocked” face and tries to look surprised that the men are sitting in front of him. Troyzan explains that they were going to vote out Bill, but Leif told him and therefore Leif “broke the cardinal sin.”

Jiffy then asks, “What are the chances that this will go down as the dumbest move ever in this game?”
When Troyzan tries to explain the stupidity by saying that it was a team decision, Jiffy points out that morons often work in groups.

Under Jiffy Pop’s astute questioning Colton reveals that he doesn’t like the {air quotes} “struggling comedian” Bill, who he thinks should get a real job. The irony is that Colton is a {air quotes} “student” who doesn’t have a real job either, unless you count starring in a real-life version of “The Help” a job.

Basically, Jeff Probst orders up the Colton Shish Kabob, and reveals that the stick up Colton’s ass holds of a cube of meat, a cube of self-righteousness, a cube of racism and a cube of class arrogance. Even if you double down on the baklava, you’ve still got yourself one bitter meal.

When it gets down to the voting, the beef with Leif miraculously turns into five votes for Bill and the 28-year-old comedian from Venice, California sees the red light flash and knows it’s time to get off the stage.

Mark "She's like a paid member of my family" Burnett
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Table of Contents
  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can’t W...   RollDdice     03-08-12       
   RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   qwertypie     03-08-12     1  
   RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   Scarlett O Hara     03-08-12     2  
     RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   jbug     03-08-12     3  
     RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   suzzee     03-08-12     5  
   RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   suzzee     03-08-12     4  
   RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   suzzee     03-08-12     6  
   Now that's a great title.   suzzee     03-08-12     7  
   RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   agman     03-08-12     8  
     RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   mindy23     03-08-12     9  
         RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   SOAR64     03-08-12     10  
             RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   agman     03-08-12     12  
   RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   kingfish     03-08-12     11  
     RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   suzzee     03-09-12     19  
   RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   agman     03-08-12     13  
   RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   iltarion     03-08-12     14  
     RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   agman     03-08-12     15  
     RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   Aruba     03-10-12     23  
   RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   michel     03-08-12     16  
     RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   RollDdice     03-08-12     17  
         RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   RollDdice     03-13-12     32  
     RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   Aruba     03-09-12     21  
         RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   michel     03-10-12     24  
             RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   Aruba     03-10-12     25  
             RE: Be The Survivor: S24 Ep04: “Can...   MissMyth     03-14-12     33  
   The only thing to be said is   Molaholic     03-08-12     18  
     RE: The only thing to be said is   RollDdice     03-09-12     20  
         RE: The only thing to be said is   caseymagoo     03-09-12     22  
             RE: The only thing to be said is   RollDdice     03-12-12     27  
   To Fling the Feces, or not to Fling...   kingfish     03-11-12     26  
     RE: To Fling the Feces, or not to F...   caseymagoo     03-12-12     28  
     RE: To Fling the Feces, or not to F...   caseymagoo     03-12-12     29  
     RE: To Fling the Feces, or not to F...   suzzee     03-12-12     30  
     RE: To Fling the Feces, or not to F...   suzzee     03-12-12     31  

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