LAST EDITED ON 03-03-12 AT 03:13 AM (EST)

The Women are freezing and the Men aren’t pleasing.

New battles between the sexes rage on and poor communication leaves castaways scrambling at a frustration-filled Immunity Challenge.

So says CBS and I'll stick with the official story until this hangover wears off.

(More when I recover...)
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Welcome one and all to Survivor “One World: Please Turn Up The Thermostat”. Before I truly begin, I’d like to thank Scarlett O Hara and suzzee for stepping up to the plate while I was away. I’d also like to thank kingfish, in his persona of Moe De’Info for his general Spoilage, abuse of my good name and Raunchy Girl updates. I’d like to thank him, but I know I couldn’t keep him away from BTS with barb wire, hand grenades and a red hot poker. I know that, because I’ve tried. Besides, that particular package is listed on the Raunchy Girls Menu of Activities as “a slow Saturday night”.

Enough delay, I feel like I’ve been swinging two bats (and a Bat Girl) in the on-deck circle, so let’s get it on:

Previously on “Survivor: One World Is Not Enough”, See the BS© finally upped my budget a little and I was able to convince Jiffy to stand on the landing skid of the helicopter and deliver his opening spiel. Imagine his surprise as I had secretly instructed the pilot to bank hard to the right. For those of you who are playing the trivia game, that’s 10 takes with the helicopter, 47 air sickness bags (not including those needed by the audience) and a 12 foot tower of Dramamine, fashioned into an anti-nausea salt-lick for the entire production team to enjoy as needed.

Jiffy announces the two teams, the Mammaries?No tribe consisting of the men and the Yes,We Have No Salami tribe of testosterone-ly challenged. However, even this simple XX/XY gender divide isn’t so cut and dried. There are two candidates who are straddling the border. Alicia seems aggressive enough to be sporting some lady wood, and on the opposite side of the spectrum is Colton, who seems to float over the terrain, looking for his missing croquet mallet.

Let’s skip over the Mammaries?No tribe “stealing” the Axe, thinking it was body wash and the Yes,We Have No Salami tribe featuring a woman named Kourtney Moon wearing a penguin shaped knit cap; she’ll be gone soon. We’ll also pass on the two chickens and why Colton would cross the road.

In the second episode, I premiere the “DIY Challenge” which saves me a fortune in Jiffy Probst fees, but gives him entirely too much free time to browse the Colby Donaldson fan pages and “would you strip naked for chocolate” porn websites. Did I provide too much bandwidth? Who can say? I will tell you that our Jiffy is more complex than a Sushi restaurant in Utah.

Sabrina turns out to be a rational adult, which is always bad for ratings, but the quick-to-anger Alicia, the ditzy “Kitty” Kat and the saggy Tarzan help carry the entertainment baggage. Between the challenge losses, the lack of fire and the lack of communication, the women of Yes,We Have No Salami are feeling the pain. Attorney Matt bemoans the fact that due to her injuries and elimination from the game Kourtney won’t be able to give him a “handy”, which gives us all the opportunity to turn our heads to the side like a Cocker Spaniel and take a moment to wonder what could have been… Simply in terms of entertainment value of course.

Colton snags the Hidden Immunity Idol gift basket, the women lose the “Hug it out b1tch” Challenge and they find themselves with their usual floor seats at Tribal Council, far away from Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee. After the (independent and completely unbiased) vote, Nina Acosta gets the heave-ho. Based on her S.W.A.T. experience with L.A.P.D., I’m putting the CBS attorneys on full tactical alert.

”They’ve Got Fire and We’ve Got Rain” As they say, the third Ep’s the charm. The women of Yes,We Have No Salami are still cold, tired and still unable to find the room service menu. They stole fire from the men, had it awarded to them as torches and flint and still can’t keep the hut fires burning. Some of the women from the Soggy Bottom camp go over to warm their hands at the men’s fire which raises Matt’s ire. After all, there isn’t a chicken in every pot.

”Thanks For The Memory” Reward Challenge Jiffy brings both tribes in and does his “Worth playing for…?” shtick which makes me nostalgic for the DIY Challenge. I guess I’ll have to settle for the No Host Bar in the EPMB Gentleman’s Club here at the Ponderosa.

We show both teams a series of items: skull, rock, bottle, shell, coke vial, porn mag, empty bottle of Viagra. Oops, it seems that the Challenge Design Team didn’t clean up very well last night.

The women may be water-logged, but their brains are still working. They are running away with the challenge until we get to the Troyzan/Kat match up. This pair looks at the items a total of seven… count ‘em… seven times before Kat removes her Medulla Oblongata from her Descending Colon and matches correctly. And those, my friends, are worse odds than you’d get from CougarLife.com.
Finally, mercifully, Christina beats Bill and the Yes,We Have No Salami tribe is awarded fishing gear and a canoe.

Still A Mooch. Still A Mooch. Can you dance the Fandango? Thunderbolts and lightning are very, very frightening as the Yes,We Have No Salami tribe returns to camp. They are celebrating their victory and mocking the men. But when Monica and Kat can’t start the fire, they return to the Mammaries?No camp to ask the guys for some embers from their fire. Jay asks if they can borrow the keys to the canoe sometime. When Monica and Kat don’t commit, Jay reminds them that his tribe has already loaned the women a cup of sugar, the lawn mower, a low-interest home loan, half a tank of Jay’s helium and the TV remote.

Bill tells the two women that “One World is out the window” and demands that the Yes,We Have No Salami tribe provide timeshare arrangements for the boat. Alicia and Chelsea communicate this to their tribe, but it doesn’t gain any traction with the rest of the women.

By day eight the sun is back up and the women have had some success fishing. Boat rentals and chicken dinners are put back on hold.

“Bump and Run” Immunity Challenge One caller and the other six tribe members are blindfolded into pairs. Caller will scream their team through wooden obstacles to a water tower which will release… you guessed it… a bag of puzzle pieces. Come back to the mat, and the Caller puts together the tree puzzle to win Immunity for his/her tribe.

With Bill as the Caller for the Mammaries?No and Sabrina as the Yes,We Have No Salami Caller, the expected chaos ensues. The men get off to an enormous lead, but the women keep at it. Bill has four of pieces in place before Sabrina even begins, but she stays calm and finishes the puzzle to win the Challenge for her tribe.

A Manly Scramble With Tribal Council on the Day Planner, the Mammaries?No tribe is wheeling and dealing. Colton confessionalizes, “I’m so excited to vote someone out. I dislike so many of these people.” With Colton holding the only HII he’s starting to resemble RussHell, with Troyzan, Leif, Tarzan and Jonas acting as the loyal handmaidens. It’s starting to look quite desperate for CBS’s newest hit show, “Eight and a Half Men”.

In the other faction, Matt pulls Troyzan aside and makes a strange (but mouth-watering) analogy about “roosters” and “chickens”. Troyzan nods conspiratorially until Matt gets to his “filet o fish” strategy. Then Troyzan heads for the drive thru and away from Matt. Troyzan confessionalizes that “It ain’t Survivor unless you’re lying”, which will probably invalidate his run for Congress, but at least it proves he’s seen the show before. Many whispered conversations and promises of a Blue Boy magazine subscription later, Colton switches up his intended vote from Bill to Matt.

Tribal Council “Light your torches. Fire represents lost sponsors in this game and they are going to drop like flies if you guys don’t kick up the drama soon.” So drones Jeff Probst and under his masterful questioning we learn that Colton spends too much time at the women’s camp and that there are a lot of alliances. Blah, blah, blah. Votes cast. Colton hangs on to his HII.

Votes are read. Colton catches one. Bill gets one vote. Matt gets five. Even I can do this kind of math. Matt’s torch is snuffed and he heads… not to Retirement Village, but to the Exit Door. We’re all done. Back to camp for story time and curfew.

But wait. There’s a questioning hand up. “You don’t have to ask permission,” says Jiffy. “You can pee on any rock you like on your way back to camp.” But that's not it. Tarzan looks more like Cheetah. “Uhh, Jeff? Can you read the other two votes?” asks Tarzan.

Instead of answering, Jiffy shakes his head in disgust and turns to catch the eye of a Production Assistant. He mumbles, “Hey, Gina. Can you send that new batch of Donaldson swimsuit photos and the Lesbian chocolate syrup wrestling videos over to my tent now? It’s going to be a long night.”

Matt Quinlan, the 33-year-old attorney and freelance dimwit drops his briefs at the Ponderosa.

P.S. – Matt never made that comment about the “handy”. It’s called a “parody”, people. Besides, I got the word “handy” in three times and threw in a Cocker Spaniel for good measure.

Mark "I'm baaaack!" Burnett