LAST EDITED ON 05-17-01 AT 11:32 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 05-17-01 AT 11:28 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 05-17-01 AT 11:26 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 05-17-01 AT 11:21 PM (EST)

Before we begin with the big announcement, I want to say a few things about the casting process. 20 women tried out for the eight available spots and it was not an easy process of elimination. At least 10 minutes was spent by yours truly reviewing the applications before I made the final decision. And before I continue I just want to say to all the girls that didn’t quite make the cut.....just because you weren’t selected for Shakesvivor doesn’t mean that you failed to fit into a certain desired demographic, no no no, the reason you were not selected is simply that you were and are NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Alright, that ought to make you feel better.

Also, there was a specific question on the application that, if answered “no”, immediately removed your application from consideration no matter what qualifications you might have. That question was, of course, “Would you sleep with Shakes for a guaranteed spot in the final two?” The following people answered “no” and were therefore taken out of consideration..........Samian, Cherberrie, Kismet, Darbygrl, Shanana Banana, Spitts, and Mistofleas. I know this may seem a little harsh, but I wanted to keep this casting process as close to the real thing as possible. Welcome to Hollywood.

I will now list the lucky 8 women who will compete in the inaugural Shakesvivor followed by a brief bio and question and answer session with each woman individually..........

Vampkira
Dalton
ItzLisa
Outfrontgirl
Survivorchick
Dangerkitty
MonCherie
George Tirebiter (oh yes you are)

Vampkira is the show’s token immortal blood sucker...every show’s gotta have one. Her luxury item is a cape and she would have no problem sleeping with Shakes in exchange for a birth in the final two. And now, three questions with Vamp....

1. Do you have a strategy?

Vamp: “Yeah, I’m gonna sleep with Shakes.....I thought we already covered that in the application!”

2. Why the cape?

Vamp: “Well, I need something to protect me from the sun during the challenges. Also, in a pinch it can expand into a small tarp to be used as a shelter....pretty clever, huh?”

3. Now that you’re a full fledged media whore, do you expect to change at all?

Vamp: “No, Vampkira will always be Vampkira. Vamp is always going to be the same down to Earth, easy going Vampire that she’s always been. Oh, but one thing, from now on Vamp only eat at People magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People. Jiffy Probe, you better lock your doors.”

Dalton is the leading female litigator in the extensive SB shyster community. Dalton lists Stacey Stillman as not only the Survivor she admires most, but also the person she admires most. In fact, so much does Dalton want to emulate her hero, that she has already filed several lawsuits and injunctive actions against Shakesvivor, Inc. in anticipation of production wrong doings. Dalton’s luxury item is an authentic Cherokee Indian Peace Pipe....and a ½ ounce of Hawaiian Purple Passion. Oh yeah, one more thing...Dalton would be more than willing to sleep with Shakes for a guaranteed spot in the final two, hell, when it comes right down to it she’d sleep with him for a guaranteed spot in the Sunday brunch line at the Old Country Buffett. Now, three questions with Dalton.....

1. Dalton, you of all people....a media whore? I never thought I’d see the day.

Dalton: “Hey asshole....is that even a friggen question!?!? Amateur.”

2. Aren’t you a little worried that your luxury item could get you dis-barred?

Dalton: “The weed’s not for me....I’m gonna plant it on the other contestants and get them kicked off. See, there’s more than one way to win this game.”

3. Do you think you have it in you to be ruthless?

Dalton: “I once married a guy twice JUST so I could divorce him, the bastard. Is that ruthless enough for ya?”

ItzLisa is a frequent poster in the SB community and one of our resident “Basher Babes”. A 35 year old career criminal who lists “shoplifting” as a hobby, Lisa is actually one of the “nice guys” of the Suvivor Blows community. Lisa’s luxury item is a stapler and she also stated on her application that she would be more than willing to sleep with the aforementioned clown.

1. ItzLisa, what’s your game plan?

ItzLisa: “Well, I’m gonna kill em with kindness, and then when they’re not looking I’m gonna kill em for real.”

2. Are you too nice to play this game?

ItzLisa: “Oh, not at all. I can be quite the smart-ass when I need to be. Ya know, just cause you’re nice, doesn’t mean that you’re easy! I can be just as tou.....oh wait, I forgot, I AM easy....my bad LOL.”

3. Why the stapler?

ItzLisa: “Cause I chew on paperclips.”

Outfrontgirl is a relative newcomer to the SB community. But, with a keen eye for spoiling she immediately caught the eye of even the most hardened of veteran posters. In fact, Outfrontgirl lists spoiling as her career, which is a cuter way of saying you’re unemployed. Outfrontgirl’s luxury item is a 3-foot Graffix water bong which makes you wonder if she’ll end up on the same tribe as Dalton...hmmmm. Oh yeah, and one more thing.....Outfront would be happy to spend a night with the King of Love, the Coitus Clown, Shakes the Sexinator.

1. Outfrontgirl, you’re a relative newcomer to the community....do you think that’s gonna have a bearing on your chances to succeed?

Outfront: “Oh, I think so for sure....that’s why I need to show my tribe mates how valuable I am to the survival of the tribe. I plan to do this by using my spoiling abilities to successfully predict the results of each challenge in advance. For instance, I figured out two weeks ago that I was gonna be cast for this show, so I’m already two weeks ahead of the rest of em.”

2. Uhmm, a bong?

Outfront: “Yeah, they’re perfect for carrying water, storing ice, and in a pinch, poaching eggs. I’m surprised more people aren’t bringing one.”

3. Aliance playa or alliance hata?

Outfront: “Definitely a playa.”

Survivorchick is also a relative Newbie here at SB, however this 26 year old lesbian convenient store clerk fit perfectly with too many demographic groups to be turned down. Survivorchick’s luxury item is a blowdryer and of course, sleeping with Shakes is a lifelong fantasy of her’s.

1. First of all, I just gotta ask....why a blowdryer?

S-chick: “Well, actually that was meant as a joke, I can’t believe the asshole actually picked it. Well, I guess I could wait till everyone’s in the water and then throw it in and electrocute em all...instant winner.”

2. Are you nervous that since you’re a newbie, you’re time in the game might be brief?

S-Chick: “Is that supposed to be a hint?”

3. Any strategy?

S-Chick: “Yeah, I plan to walk around naked on EVERYONE’S Birthday.”

Dangerkitty is a 40 year old married massage therapist. A long time poster and friend to many in the SB community, Kitty was one of the very first aspiring whores to get her application in. Kitty will be bringing a massage roller as a luxury item and, you guessed it, wants desperately to sleep with Shakes.

1. How do you plan to use your career to get ahead in the game

Kitty: “Well, obviously I can give everybody massages after the challenges...hey, if it works for Scerri there’s no reason it can’t work for me. Oh yeah, I also plan to be offering “full release” massages which is really a bold career move for me because “A” I’m not Asian, and “B” I’m not 13 and working in the basement of some fleabag massage parlor in Cicero, Illinois.” {{not that I would know anything about that}}

2. Tell me about a situation where you were ruthless?

Kitty: “Well, I once ended a sentence with a preposition.....and there was this time I turned right and DIDN’T signal.”

3. What do you fear the most?

Kitty: “Guys who, in college, would take their roommate’s cat and stick it in the freezer for hours at a time......and then pull it out and use it as the ball in a drunken game of “3-Bedroom Apartment Tackle Football” where the scores were always high and the touchdown dances always came with a spike.” {not that I would know anything about that either}}

Mon Cherie is a 28 year old single case manager, and no, I don’t know what the hell a case manager is anymore than you do. But, either way, she’s 28, single, wears a thong and wants to sleep with Shakes...that’s good enough to make my show. Her luxury item is a bible....what! Great, here I am casting for the role of team slut, and I end up with Rodger in a thong.

1. How will you use your sexuality to help yourself in the game?

MonCherie: “Oh easy, the key is to have sex with all the directors and producers cause they’re the ones that control the editing....and we all know that’s the key to this game anyway, more so than the money.”

2. Its says on your application that your oral skills are amazing and that you are very crafty with your hands....care to elaborate?

MonCherie: “No I don’t....I think its quite clear what I mean. Do you think I got my job as a case manager cause of my resume??? Hell, do you even know what a case manager is?? Me neither!”

3. Could you ever be ruthless

MonCherie: “Well, I’ve thought about it in the past....in fact, my last boyfriend asked me to do it, but I just.......oh wait, you said ‘ruthless?’ I thought you said ‘toothless.’”

Believe it or not, George Tirebiter did not even apply for Shakesvivor. Or at least, that’s what she’d have all of you believe. How surprised was I to find in my private mailbox a 4 page cast application, 2 letter of reference, a resume, and a personal letter begging me to let her on the show.....all from George Tirebiter. So, after reviewing GT’s application I have decided to add her as the last female member included in this year’s Shakesvivor. GT will be bringing her soapbox as a luxury item and of course she solicited my services in the sack, just like the rest of em.

1. So GT, surprised to find yourself in the game...or is it what you always wanted anyway?

GT: “You dirty fucking clown! I hate your brilliant ass, I hate you so much that I can’t help but love you, you stupid asshole.”

2. Well, now that you’re part of the show, do you have a strategy?

GT: “Yeah, basically I just don’t give a shit what you do in your stupid asinine fantasy world....OMG<click> who am I kidding, I LOVE IT..jerk”

3. Talk about the soapbox.

GT: “I don’t talk about the soapbox, I talk ON the soapbox you moron.”

Well, there you have it.....the first 8 contestants in this summer’s Shakesvivor. Stay tuned for the names of the male contestants later this weekend as well as an announcement on the air date for the premiere.