The Amazing Race: Week Two
The second episode of AR begins with a rehashing of the most boring and inconsequential parts of the first episode. We are then treated to the details of the next competition. The teams are to make their way to a place called the Songwe Museum. It is a location that is no more than a ten minute walk from their current camp. Phil Keoghan performs his usual boring voice over and informs us that the clue these morons will be receiving is both “very easy” and also “tricky”. Which is kind of like saying, “This steak is very tender but also tougher than Alabama boot leather.”
The teams leave the village twelve hours from the moment they arrived so the LA Lawyers are the first to leave the village around 11:00 P.M. They decide to wait for Team Guido and The Divorced Couple for “safety”. I can only assume that the cameramen that were following them around were less intimidating than Team Guido’s matching cardigans.
Margarita says that she thinks that once in a dream she might have seen a sign that pointed to another sign which might or might not have said something about a museum or it could have been a coked out dream she had with her girlfriends at a rave in New Jersey. The three teams agree to follow this woman out of the Songwe village to find the Songwe Museum. Two hours later, a good shove or two from her ex-husband, and a promise of a “whack on the head”, Shirpa Margarita leads the team back to the village and finally to the museum.
The various teams make their way to the same place and discover that they must choose between two locations. Both locations are animal preserves where the teams are supposed to take pictures of animals. If the teams take the nearest location they must snap Polaroids of three “hard to find” animals. If they take the farthest location (a good 90 kilometers farther away) they only must snap a quick shot of an elephant.
Of course all of the teams save for one go for the nearest location. The “hard to find” animals are found wandering close enough to the road that the teams have to do little more than lean out of their SUVs to get their pictures. The most difficult part of this leg of the race is actually identifying the animals on the list. The Festers, for example, took some great shots of a goat they mistook for a Chevy Impala, and Paul tells his fiancée Amie to “get a picture of that Jack-O-Lantern too.” Apparently they celebrate Halloween year-round in Zimbabwe. Nancy, the Mother of the Mother and Daughter team snaps a close-up of a charging Rhino and as she is trampled underfoot, realizes she forgot to put film in the camera.
During the picture taking, Team Guido discusses their new alliance with The Divorcees and The LA Lawyers. They agree that Bossy Frank is too much of an animal to control, but they think that they can whip the little lawyers into shape. One of them states that those guys should be “easy to control”, adding, “before the end of the day, I’ll have that Brennan in a pair of crotchless panties and licking me in places I only save for you and Guido. High five, girlfriend!”
The only team not to go on this tourist safari are the Working Moms who opt for the “Fast Forward” path. This option can only be taken once for the entire game. The fast forward for this episode involves shooting down some rapids. The ride down the rapids was filmed from a conspicuously far distance and we only really see the moms as they are entering and exiting the boat. Some stock footage of churning water from a river in South Dakota is thrown in for “realism”. The entire scene was about as believable as the stunts scenes from any of the Naked Gun movies.
The teams take their pictures to Makunah Mitata village where they are greeted by the tribal chief. You might remember him from episode one where he also played a tribal chief. This time, the chief greets the teams in what Phil calls a “traditional tribal ceremony”. This involves drinking what could very well be horse urine from a gourd and then spitting it onto the team members. I never wanted to be a tribal chief more than at that very moment.
After the ceremonial spit take, the tribal chief gives each team their next clue: Paris, France.
A good portion of the next thirty minutes is spent watching the teams try to find a flight out of Africa and into Paris, France. They don’t have to pay for the flight but they must book it. This is about as exciting as watching people make last minute reservations from airport telephones. Oh, wait a minute, this was watching people make last minute reservations from airport telephones.
The only real treat was watching Amie get “the hand” from one of the Texas Teachers. Amie flops to the floor and pouts while Paul consoles her. Both of them seemingly forgetting that they don’t have plane tickets yet.
When they arrive in Paris, The Teachers add insult to injury by “cutting in line” at the taxi stand. Amie believes that they should have waited in line like the rest of the tourists while the Teachers believe, oddly enough, that it’s a race and they should try to get to their next stop as quickly as possible. The Teachers bribe the cabby to kick out the engaged couple who have jumped into the back of the cab they were trying to hail.
Paul tells Amie later that if it were New York, “they would have grabbed her out by her hair.” I don’t know who “they” are but he says it with such conviction that I can only assume this is as common in the Big Apple as seeing a homeless man urinating in Central Park.
Once in Paris, Team Guido runs away from their former teammates the LA Lawyers and The Divorcees. They feel they have an advantage because they lived in Paris for many years and even once had sex on the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower itself. I guess they don’t call it Gay Pairee for nothing.
The teams’ next mission is to head to the Eiffel Tower where they must spot their next pit stop, the Arc De Triomphe. The Arc is marked by a small yellow flag waving from the top. This becomes quite a feat for Lenny, one half of the Dating Couple. At first he can’t see anything and then is brow-beaten and sent back up again. He comes down a second time with the bright idea that maybe it’s Notre Dame. The couple go all the way to Notre Dame and in an emotional scene reminiscent of that old commercial where the Indian Chief cries over litter, Lenny sheds a single tear because his girlfriend is yelling at him for being an idiot. Little piece of advice, Lenny: run. You are not engaged yet. Get out now, because if she is making you cry during the courting period, your dishes are done once there is a ring on her finger.
Most of the teams find the Arc eventually. One of their problems is getting change for the telescope on a stick that most of them need to see the Arc from the Tower. Emily, the big breasted Daughter, flashes some boob to a group of men on the railing above her and coins rain down like Mardi Gras beads. With the help of the now returned Lenny, they finally see their location as well and the race continues.
The Hot Teachers From Texas get to the tower and take the unconventional approach of not looking around for the flag on the ground. Instead, they take an elevator to the top and wander around aimlessly for an hour. They finally walk back down the Tower and find the flag. Needless to say, the mistake cost them the game. They take the news surprisingly well and hug some of their comrades before departing for their hotel to take a shower together and spoon on the queen sized bed.
Ah well. Life is unfair. And so ends another episode, dear reader.
More to come…..
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